Friday, September 30, 2005
I remember writing these phrases in my own diary about 3 years ago...saw it, and thought I should share it -
"don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others; it is because we are different that each of us is special.
don't set your goals by what others deem important; only you know what's best for you.
don't take for granted the things closest to your heart; cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.
don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or the future; by living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
don't give up when you still have something to give; nothing is really over...until the moment you stop trying.
don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect; it is a fragile thread that binds us to each other."
some of that is really so true...the others? well, guess it depends on your own beliefs.
i found the blog i've always been trying to find. it was incidentally though. linked around and found it. i dunno if i'm happy to have found it, or whether i would be better off without it. Maybe it hurts a little to read all that, but all i need to do is to read what i wrote 3 years ago and i'll realise how silly i am. Whatever was written, was from the past. it no longer matters cos it's the past! i've gotta start learning how to live for the present moment and forget about everything in the past...regardless of whose past it is. Plus, i shan't undermine my own worth by comparing myself with others. it's unfair to everyone. i believe i'm special and unique in my own way.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't wanna live without you
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I miss you so much...haven't heard from you since early today. I guess you're enjoying yourself...that's good...i'll be waiting for your good night. however late that may be.
I love you.
'fallen_angel'
1:13 PM
There's so much in me I wanna let go of... but I know it'll take time.
There's so much I wanna say... but each time, I get tongue-tied.
There's so much I wanna do... but so little time, so little resources, not enough motivation.
I'm in a blank mood today. Dunno whether to cry, laugh, smile or stone. Who can understand how I feel? I really wonder. I'm lousy at communicating my emotions, feelings and thoughts. That's exactly why I have a diary and now, this blog. All my life, no-one has understood me fully. I expect no-one to see anything anytime soon.
I've always been one who believes in love. Regardless of how much I've been hurt by it before, I still believe that true love exists in this world. I refuse to let a few bad experiences spoil it all for me. Many might not understand the meaning of true love...maybe even I don't really comprehend. But here's my interpretation -
It's simple. It doesn't need flowery language or pampering gifts. Two beings in love don't have to spend every single minute together to feel the love they share. Similar likes and hobbies need not be a necessity. All it takes is understanding, compromising and loving the entire package. To convince me that you truly love me, all it takes is your word that you'll be there for me when I'm down, to share my happiness with me and that you'll not try to change me from the way I am. I love you and I'll do everything within my means to meet your expectations of a good lover. I'll always be there whenever you're down, whenever you're bored and I'll still be there even when you don't need me. Everything I do will ultimately lead my thoughts back to you. No, my life doesn't have to revolve around you but my heart and my mind does. Don't ask me why, for you'll get the simplest of answers:" I love you". If it takes my whole life to convince you that I'll be loving you, I'll do it. If ever you think you want out, just tell me straight, and you'll get out. You can stop loving me, but you cannot stop me from loving you. When it comes to love, it's between 2 beings. I don't really care what others think or what others say. What matters most is what you think and what you say.
It took me a hell lot of courage to say I love you. And it'll take me a lifetime to prove what I say is true. It's probably too early for words of promise but I'll say what I wanna say. We may not be the best of match cos of differing interests, hobbies and even lifestyles. But I'll do all I can to make it work simply because my heart says so. Things might be difficult, and things might seem scary. The road ahead will seem daunting but as long as you keep saying you love me, I'll smoothen it all out as much as I can. I'm leaving the past behind. Because I'm working on building a future based on the present. Presently, I have you. I'm wishing with all my heart that my future has you too. They say life is a journey to a common destination known as Death. To me, what matters most is how I travel the path. I wanna walk it with you if you'll walk it with me. I dunno if you know who you are, but it's okay...cos my heart has a clear idea who it wants. I miss you so much and though you might be sick of hearing it, I love you...with all my heart and all my soul. Enjoy your day...you deserve it.
'fallen_angel'
5:02 AM
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Today was generally a happy day. So why am I so down? Sigh. Let's see...
Morning, met him at his place at 10 am to eat prata. We went all the way to Pasir Panjang to eat prata for breakfast and it was sumptious! It's been a really long time since I last tasted freshly made and light/fluffy prata. Ate 2 and couldn't eat anymore cos I'm having my freaking period and the cramps destroyed my appetite entirely. Sad. Anyway, what I enjoyed the most was the bus rides. The kisses we shared and those moments when he looked into my eyes and said "I love you". They'll remain in my heart for a long time to come. After prata, we took bus no. 10 to Harbourfront to wait for 1 pm which is when we'll be meeting the rest of them to go bowling. Still early so we decided to chill at Starbucks first while waiting and I thoroughly enjoyed my mango/raspberry frappucino blended tea. Then whatever happened next, I have no wish to elaborate...let's just say it set me off on a lousy foot. But my insecurity just betrayed me when I heard HER name. I know it's silly of me and I truly trust my baby. But it's just natural for me it seems. Sigh. Settled and I love him, he loves me. =D
Went bowling at Mount Faber SAFRA and I must say the SAFRA there is like so damn freaking new. Like literally spick-and-span clean, big, spacious and the lanes are just wonderful to bowl on. I was distracted so I couldn't concentrate on the game and didn't bowl well but oh well. Expected lar. Anyway, bowling was fun. Scores didn't matter cos I had the company of really sweet friends and of cos my darling. We had a good laugh about the lousy techno songs that were playing in the alley...super gross sia.
Then came salsa class in TAS. As usual, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Salsa's so super duper fun lar...And I finally know why they say salsa can tone your ass, thighs and waist. Tiring man. Looking forward to the next lesson next week. Only bad thing, partners have to be rotated. Sigh. I was mood went down at a point in time but I decided that I'm not gonna let others dictate my emotions. They don't matter...I do. But somehow, I was already a little moody for the rest of the night. Maybe just tired lar. Most probably...Definitely. Until at Mac's, he got so super annoyed that I was hurt by the way he treated me...so cold...so distant...so heartbreaking. I told myself that it's just him and I will get used to it...I think I'm already getting used to it but I just need some time to not be affected by it. Point was that he was already pissed so I didn't wanna piss him off anymore than he already was so I didn't really make a big fuss out of it.
What really is nagging at me right now, is the fact that I'm not a good talker. As in, I've always been an excellent listener to all my friends and that's probably because they love to talk. I don't know if I'm juz being really silly, or am I too sensitive for my own good... I knew all along that he is disturbed by the fact that we seem to have nothing to talk about and it has troubled me too. What troubled me wasn't that we had nothing to talk about. It was more because he was affected and as always, it hurts me to see him down or upset or frustrated in any way. I tried, but obviously it madde things worse. I feel stupid. Now, I've decided to leave it be...no point trying so hard for this insignificant issue anyway. It's demoralising no doubt but not the end of the world. Now I just dunno how to call him at night...Even though I might have nothing to talk about, all I really want is to hear his voice, listen to him say good night, sweet dreams and I love you in that voice of his. Is that too little for him? Or too much to ask for? Sigh. I'm at a loss now. How? I really love him and I don't wanna let small stuff like that affect our blooming relationship. I guess I'll just have to think of another way lar. Sigh.
Late at night now...I wanna go sleep. Hopefully it won;t be another sleepless night for me. Sweet dreams Cleo...and may the angels bless my baby while he sleeps soundly tonight. I love you, dear. Truly, I do...
'fallen_angel'
12:51 PM
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Class outing for EPPS Primary 6F '99. Amazingly, it was a rather good turnout and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It's still rather unbelievable how people can remain the same friends they were from 6 years ago. Furthermore, enemies became friends too. The ones I truly treasure - Wan Ting, Jane, Chin Leng, Leonard, Matthew, Yong Yang and many many more. Memories form a part of our growing up lives...but I'm pretty sure these people will not just be memories. We'll remain life-long friends.
As 'sisters', Wan Ting and I share a special relationship no-one can spoil. I still have to urge to take care of her like a little sister always and now, I just hope she's truly happy with her life and everything goes well. The other sister would be Jane. We've drifted apart, no doubt. But memories will always remain. With the strong bond we have forged and still share, we'll remain sisters for as long as it takes...I wish her best of luck for her upcoming A levels. Can someone tell her that I miss her like crazy??!! Hmm. I'll do it myself. One day.
Chin Leng, Leonard and Matthew, I'll always remember as buddies who would stay back in the school library with me after school and chat. Chat about nothing much in particular and everything under the sun. We clicked after years of squabbling and bitching and remain fast friends till now. It doesn't seem to matter that we ardly talk to each other or see each other more than once or twice a year cos when we do, it was as if no time was ever lost. I love these guys to the core and really hope we'll remain such wonderful friends forever.
YY will remain a steadfast memory. Those who knew us in primary school would know why so I shan't elaborate. The point is, we were all young and stupid...naive maybe...but they were still sweet memories to keep. I wish him all the happiness in the world...from the bottom of my heart.
The rest of 6F will remain close to my heart for as long as memory doesn't fail me cos they all represent the most happiest time of my childhood. I might not remember every single one of you 20 years down the road but believe me, I want to. If possible, I wanna see everyone in 10 years time and I'll know who's made it big, who's married with twins, who's still the same person they are now and who still remembers me! That'll be so cool.
Anyway, back to today. Matt organised the outing but he was the last to turn up and we went to Tampines Mall for movie - One More Chance. A very meaningful and touching movie, hilarious nonetheless and not forgetting the corny ending. Catch it before it closes but trust me, brush up on your hokkien first. Or you'll be left scratching your head when everyone else laughs their asses off. I spent most of the 2 hours in the cinema freezing my ass off in that Levi's miniskirt and wishing that he was right next to me. That's the purpose of a boyfriend ain't it? To keep me warm when I'm freezing my cute little butt off! Hmm. Baby, if you ever read this, I'm kidding. Really! =P
Spent most of our time reminiscing our past in EPPS and we all found out that Esther has an astonishingly short-term memory! But it's okay cos once the 2nd Dec chalet comes around, we're so gonna dig up everything from primary school and remind her of them one by one. Haha...that'll be classic. Someone remind me to bring my camera! I'm so looking forward to the 2nd of December now that it's occurred to me that it's likely to be the last chalet that so many 6F people can turn up. Next year, the guys will be off to NS, the girls would either be in Uni or working. The few of us in Poly would be on attachment...where the hell can we find a time to gather all of us once again? That's why I say, I'll really treasure that day at the chalet once it comes. I juz pray for a good turnout. I miss everyone! We'll all go bowling, play dai di and bridge then finally after the bbq or whatever there is for dinner, truth or dare and ghost stories. It's the same thing every year but still something I'm looking forward to...
Okay okay. Enough of my babbling about 6F though they rock. Tomorrow got salsa class in TAS! yay! Can't wait...though I sincerely wish we had more guys! then we can have a single partner to dance with...no need to keep rotating. And the point is, I wanna dance with him. Hmph. And I wanna concentrate on the gal's part. Annoys me to keep switching...then after a while I got no idea whose framework I'm doing already. Oh well. I'm in HTM. No choice. Guys are just so not service-oriented.
My first entry here and I've blabbered so much. Time to stop. I'll be back soon...
'fallen_angel'
12:47 PM
