Monday, October 31, 2005
seems like it's obvious what the next step should be right?
but i can't seem to bring myself to do it.
what the heck am i so freaking afraid of?
truth is, i'm afraid of everything.
i'm afraid of consequences and even more afraid of being the cause to the consequences.
maybe he's right...there's nothing i should be afraid of...i should start thinking for myself and not for others anymore cos in the end, i'll not be happy and it's just not worth it.
says the problem with me is that i think too much about others and how they feel, how they think. i'm not doing enough for myself.
i don't know why this is happening? might be that i'm expecting 'that' much from us but it's unattainable? it's just not within his league...
before, i was spoilt like a brat...now? i can't seem to settle for anything less.
it sucks. but it's not totally a bad thing probably.
i need a sign...somehow...i need to know i have the courage and the strength.
~fallen angel, disillusioned soul~
'fallen_angel'
12:53 PM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Mummy sent me this erm....personality analysis thingy and it seems as though it's at least 80% accurate wor...
====================
Is your birthday day 12 of the month? Your LifeYou are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.
Your LoveYou are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.
'fallen_angel'
2:54 PM
i'm supposed to feel better...
but why is it all not going the way it was supposed to?
i've got no idea what's lying in store for us.
i've got no idea what the hell's gonna happen.
am i too idealistic?
am i too much of an analyst?
am i asking too much?
am i expecting too much?
i always thought all i wanted was so simple, so easily attainable.
now it seems, i'm so wrong.
i've never been further away from what is.
is it just me?
is it just me being ridiculous?
is it me who's making the wrong choices and taking the wrong steps over and over again?
what should i do now?
maybe you're right.
i never seem to be sure of what i want and i jump from one to another like flipping my palm.
my past plagues me like a nasty virus but maybe you're right.
it would never be there if i didn't allow it.
everything's my fault.
ever since...whenever.
but is it still my fault?
still my fault that i've chosen to change the life i've been leading?
still my fault that i no longer wanna experience all that i have before?
life's a bitch...'cos she screws us all inside out.
i know it can get annoying at times when i'm not such fun...
when i seem matured.
but however i try, it just doesn't get away from me, the fact that that's just who i am.
the way i grew up during my maturing years, the way i have to live now?
those are the circumstances that make me who i am.
i don't wanna expect you to understand that...but...sigh.
this sucks
all of it.
i'm gonna spend some time thinking things through and reflecting tonight.
i'll be at the beach...my fav spot.
watching the moon rise from my right, the tide rise at my feet and finally give way to the sun on my left.
'fallen_angel'
1:49 PM
Friday, October 28, 2005
It's a happy happy day!
Went cycling and blading at East Coast today.
finally...
with val, joo, cal and him...edith joined us later.
had lotsa fun but was damn exhausted man...
we bladed like super super far and i felt like my legs were gonna give way anytime.
luckily he was there to pull me along when i had no more energy left.
thank goodness.
and he was in a good mood today so...yay!
it started raining around 6 so we left...walked all the way from the park to eat Katong laksa.
but i felt a little queasy in my stomach...decided not to eat the laksa so i ate hokkien mee instead.
wasted sia. sigh.
tomorrow got family portrait to take.
sigh.
kinda looking forward to it but i dunno what to wear.
sigh
how?
somemore later in the evening got dinner at NYDC with the gang...
then we're gonna watch Legend of Zorro!
hmm...luckily they said they wanna watch.
or not, i'll never get to watch it.
not that i'm interested...i just admire Antonio Banderas.
yum yum..haha...the perfect specimen of a man.
now i'm hungry.
and the weather's so sucky.
cold and wet.
ugh.
and it's the most hated time for me now.
annoyingly annoying.
tomorrow's Saturday...
the finals the Elite Model Look Singapore 2005 contest will be held at Zouk.
I so wanna go! Renee and Stacey will be in the finals...i wanna go support them.
Knew them from Glamour Quest 2005 and though we don't really know each other, i wish them all the best.
Stacey's hot, gorgeous and has that elusive X-factor, and Renee's popular and really has the potential.
Let's see if they win anything...i'll be praying.
Seems like quite a few from GQ'05 are making it big now...what's up with me man.
sigh
One won New Paper New Face earlier this month, another's in Star Idol contest, those two i mentioned above...another one in a TV ad and the rest in all sorts or advertisements.
me? hopeless lar.
i dun wanna go around and let people say i'm not good enough, i'm not tall enough, my boobs are not big enough, i'm not pretty enough....so sick and tired of all that.
so, i'm taking the loser's way out and quitting modelling. for now at least.
no-one knows what might happen in future lar...so....we'll see =D
gonna go remove my ugly nail polish and get something to eat now...
ta-ta! *muackz muackz*
'fallen_angel'
10:11 PM
Thursday, October 27, 2005
One song i find really meaningful and touching...
++++++++++++++++++++
If You're Not The One (Daniel Bedingfield)If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you're not the one then why does your heart return my call?
If you're not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it
I don't understand if I'm not made for you
Then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my life with
I hope I love you all my life.
I don't wanna run away but I can't take it
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cos I miss your body & soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart
And I pray for the strength to stand today
Cos I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
++++++++++++++++++++
'fallen_angel'
6:44 PM
rainy day, gloomy day, sleepy day.
it has been raining around my area since early this morning. till now. it's already 5 pm.
and the rain made me a sleepyhead.
i woke up only at 4 pm.
it was great...to sleep ever so peacefully like that.
Next week's the last week of holidays and i'm definitely looking forward to school starting.
and thank god, Lilian says I don't have to do this promotion at John Little.
Though it's a little sad that I don't get to earn the money but I really hate to work just before school starts.
I'd rather spend my time slacking at home and chilling with friends.
So guys, if Tuesday's KTV is still on, I'm on!haha.
and i so wanna get some exercise done before term starts and we'll all be too busy.
cycling anybody?*winkz*
i've tried advising my friends with this phrase and i think it's rather true at times -
" Nothing seems to last forever, so just enjoy it while it lasts. At least there'll be memories to hold on too when it's no longer there."
sigh.
i was talking to an ex-classmate and it occurred to me that i'm not the only one feeling the way i'm feeling so it's not that i'm weird or anything. it's just circumstances that make things turn out the way they do or will. it just gets more and more difficult.
i believe i am strong enough and determined enough to see it through. but is everyone else like me? will it be easier for them to give up and look for something simpler? i surely hope not.
there are times when everything seems so innocent and harmless...just pure fun and joy. but there are other times when things just seems out of place. like everything's so forced and not natural. it's as if it's not meant to be but it's being forced to be. i don't really know what i'm muttering here and certainly, it's not meant to be taken seriously.
Ah ma has gone to M'sia Sarawak with Aunt for cataract operation and to get away from her life here under the tyranny of my uncle. he's such a bastard and i'm ashamed that he shares the same surname as me. ugh. but his sons are the best thing that could have happened to me. they grew up with me and cared endlessly for me when i was young and even till today.
i'm so worried...hope everything goes smoothly.
she'll only be back for Chinese New Year many many months later.
and more likely than not, she'll go back to Sarawak to live after that.
sigh.
i grew up under her care and now that she's not around, it's just weird.
it's weird not having soup at home when i feel like drinking something warm and soothing.
she's the only one who knows what i love to eat best and never fails to cook my favourite dishes when she know's i'm home for dinner. and no-one can ever cook like her.
she's so old now that i can't help thinking that i might never get to see her again everytime she leaves to go somewhere.
she's the coolest grandma one can ever hope to have...she's strong and resilient...i admire her greatly.
and unlike others, she hardly nags at me and she shows her pride whenever i get good results in school or when i achieve something.
it's gonna be a difficult and depressing few months till the next time i see her again.
i love her so much and i sure hope i get a chance to tell her that soon.
on a lighter note, Harry Potter's new movie is coming out on the 17 Nov.
yay!
i'm not a fan but i always look forward to his movies cos of the hype that's generated and i just dun wanna miss out. anyway every of them i've watched never disappointed me and i enjoyed them.
maybe it's cos i dun read the book but who cares? as long as i like it.
was actually planning to watch it with him but he says he wanna watch with other peeps so...
nevermind lah.
i'll just watch with other people...though i know it'll be different...
asked a few people but most are planning to watch with their significant other halves.
me? dunno. maybe my family. be a nice sister and bring Drago to watch Harry Potter.
sigh...i'll get over it soon lar...
if it was someone else, he'll say watch together with everyone who wants to watch but since things are like that now, i'll accept.
sometimes what's past is past and can never be brought back.
decisions made cannot be remade.
paths chosen cannot be backtracked.
things changed cannot be unchanged.
whatever it is, there are lotsa guys and gals i miss and i want back in my life but it's highly unlikely now.
life goes on......
'fallen_angel'
5:30 PM
finally watched 40-year-old virgin today...
super happy.
hilarious show and really really funny.
whoever dares to say that the show was all about sex, i'll bite off your ear.
it's about love...and about making love. not having sex.
hmph. don't ask me what's the diff cos that'll make me despise you like crazy.
but guys like that Andy cannot be found anymore...sad.
i'm blabbering rubbish...but what the heck.
the movie was exciting too...in more ways then one *winkz*
hmm.
dunno what else to say.
should i or should i not?i'm tempted to. but i know it's not a clever option.sighbut it's bugging me.it's unfair...to me, and to all the others.i'm afraid it'll complicate things all over again thoughhow? how?shoud i just forget, and move on with life?easier said than done.argh.i'm lost..................Friday...should i stay home, be good, or go out and have fun?
so tempted to call up someone to accompany me but dunno whether it'll be okay.
sigh.
well, it's just too bad that i've been an independent gurl all my life.
i'm so used to going out on my own that when i have the craving to go out with someone, i dunno who to call.
it's not totally a bad thing...but sometimes it sucks.
and when i do go out with someone, i dunno what to do.
and i dunno where to go.
ever since i was young, i never depended on friends to fill up my time...i've always been satisfied doing my own stuff and having fun the way i want.that's why when i go out with someone, dun expect me to think of something to do...it's a hopeless thought.i used to know one or two peeps who think like me so we could meet up, each carry a book, go to Starbucks somewhere and chill the whole day. we didn't have to be talking...but it's the feeling of having someone there to entertain you when u wanna take a break from your book. sigh. no one seems game enough for something like that anymore nowadays. after those one or two peeps walked out of my life, i realised i lost alot of that easy companionship.it's not easy to find someone who can be with you in silence...even through silence, there's that comfortable rapport that needs no words. it's that wonderful feeling of beig able to go out with someone and not have any plans in mind, go where our feet takes us and whatever it is...it doesn't take lotsa words, jokes or forced conversations. it gets tiring after a while....it's just not natural anymore. i'm still searching for someone like that i guess...someone who'll listen to me without criticising, commenting or putting down. sigh.why do i sound so emo?
it's a happy day and i thoroughly enjoyed myself.
that's more than enough!
thank you, my dear...
nighty nighty!
'fallen_angel'
12:03 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Last day of salsa classes...so freaking sad can???
sigh
worst thing was that only 3 guys turned up and we girls were not properly satisfied.
hmph.
there were not enough guys to go around.
hope Mr. Ram really makes the intermediate classes happen real soon...i wanna continue!!!
oh and a new conclusion made -
i hate dentists.
period.
though i've met many cute ones but hell, they suck ah!
so not gentle and so not caring.
they only care about hurting my poor gums and teeth.
painful ah.
but i guess its not big deal as compared to his.
gawd.
i felt horrible when i saw him in pain...like so helpless and there's nothing i can do.
then i'm afraid of saying what comes to mind also cos i'm afraid of being brushed off again.
can only care deep down in my heart and hope to hell and back that it works.
oh well.
+++++++++++++++++++++
i read this part in my Nora Roberts' novel and thought it spelt out my feelings totally...
"From the window of her office, Willa could see Lily. She was never far from Adam these days, had rarely left his side since the night they came back from the high country, with a gunshot wound in Adam's arm. Willa watched Lily touch Adam's shoulder, as she often did, fussing with the sling he wore.He was healing. No, she thought, they were healing each other.How would it be to have someone that devoted, that much in love, that blind to everything but you? How would it feel to feel exactly the same way about someone?Scary, she thought, but maybe it would be worth those jiggles of fear and doubt to experience that kind of unfettered emotion. It would be an exhilarating trip, that wild ride on pure feelings, pure need. And more, she realised, beyond the moment, the promise and permanence that was so easily read on the faces of Lily and Adam when they look at each other.The little secret smiles, the signals that were so personal. So theirs. What a thrill, she mused, and what security to know there was someone who would be there for you, always. To have someone who thought of you first, and last."sigh.
sounds so sweet...so perfect.
if anyone out there actually understands my point of view and my take on love, they'll understand why i appreciate NR so much.
she manages to take me into her world, and give me the idea that i can be just like Lily.
despite all her ugly past with an abusive husband and terrifying ordeals, she manages to find the perfect man who loves her unconditionally and who is willing to sacrifice him just for her happiness. the kind of quiet love they share...the sort that needs no words...the sort that's hinged on everlasting love and TLC.
sigh.
that's why they're called fiction too, isn't it?
++++++++++++++++++++
i'm choosing to ignore everyone's advice and warnings. i sure hope it's gonna be a smart move. why does it always have to hurt. am i asking for too much? is it really too much to ask for? whatever it is, i swear i'll never make the mistake of missing it all from before. before is the past. long gone, died and gone with the wind.
'fallen_angel'
11:45 PM
Monday, October 24, 2005
I'm back!!!
Finally, af ter a whole week of MIA-ing.
spent my entire week working for Loreal at the Suntec atrium roadshow.
930 am to 11 pm every single day.
now, i'm finally free!
haha...
i'm getting so sian of aunties who are like so super dumb and bimbo-ish.
"miss, what's the difference between the whitening mask and the anti-aging mask?"
like helloooo? one is for whitening, another is for anti-aging ah!
"miss miss? what's the diff between the compact powder and the liquid foundation ah?"
ARGHHHH! like one is liquid another is powder?
gosh.
sickening.
pathetic rich old tai-tais who have no idea what they are talking about.
but nevertheless, it was fun cos of all the funny girls i was working with...all pretty cool peeps and i'll miss them man. haha.
went out with him today...like finally...i missed him so much the whole week. luckily i had work to take my mind of him for at least 13 hours a day. oh well.
i was in a moody mood the whole day but he was so sweet and made my day totally...he bought me a pair of blue dangling earrings! they're like beautiful and so so so fits me...*beams* and he was like so super proud of himself *dot dot dot*
i so desperately wanted to watch 40-year-old virgin but today no time to watch...hope within the next few days we get to catch it....today we watched Transporter 2 instead. quite okay ah. cool action scenes. but it reminds me of Jackie chan's movies somehow...hmmm....haha....
oh when i was working, i met YK. gosh. it must have been more than a year since the last time i saw him.
i was happy to see him...though it brought back a flood of memories from before but it was worth it. they were once heart-wrenching memories but now i seem to remember only the fond ones...those were sweet times we shared. thanks for everything kiat...we'll be friends for a long time to come right? =D
tomorrow's the last salsa class. so sad! i so wanna learn more...
when i get the chance, i'll go for more classes - jive, rumba, cha-cha and i wanna continue salsa classes too! hmm...see how ah.
and mummy made a dental appointment for me at 2pm tomorrow afternoon. sigh. i hate the dentist. i wonder what he'll do to me man.
and the funniest thing? HE got dental appointment tomorrow morning too...haha...coincidentally man. our mum's like to make us see tooth doctors on tuesdays. haha.
hmm...hopefully he'll be okay...so worried for him...sigh.
hate to see him in pain. hope he'll be fine enough to go for salsa tomorrow evening.
some say i've gotta be careful...dun put too much hope on it...the less hope, the less disappointments...sigh.
i hope not.
'fallen_angel'
8:11 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
i'm feeling so cold. so very very cold.
i'm sure it's the weather...or not?
ignore what i said in the previous post cos i know myself too well. it'll never happen. relationships play too big a part in my life for me to ignore them and leave them out of my thoughts
sorry if you think i'm changing and you're angry at that.
i'm not changing...i'm trying to do what's best...i'm trying to put in some effort.
sorry...
sorry for everything.
everything.
====================
if you get there before i do
don't give up on me
i'll meet you when my chores are through
i don't know how long i'll be
but i'm not gonna let you go
darling wait and see
cos between now and then
till i see you again
i'll be loving you...
Love Me...
====================
next week, i'll be clocking 13 hours a day at work, every single day.
and i won't be able to use the handphone.
that means you'll get the peace you want and the space you need.
i apologise for stressing you out...i never meant for it.
a whole week...enough time to cool off?
sigh.
whatever.
is it just me? is it just me making things difficult? i dunno...we'll see.
'fallen_angel'
8:59 PM
sometimes, i really have no clue as to how i'm feeling. i feel sorry for everything...i don't know what i did wrong but i'm still sorry. sigh. i hope this is merely a passing thought. it was never my intention to make anyone uncomfortable or put anyone off. it's just the way i am. i think alot of things i penned down in this blog before were mistakes...i shouldn't have made my feelings so widely known. if only i knew.
i'm feeling this dull ache deep inside my heart and i have no idea what's causing it. sometimes when i hear his voice or see him, i feel the wild beating of my heart...a sure sign of the love i have but sometimes, that hurts cos i have to keep it all under wraps. at other times, it just hurts like crazy. it won't stop and nothing seems to make it better. all along, i always thought that love's about going to the ends of the world for the person you truly truly love. it's not about changing or sacrificing. it's about wanting to give him your all because you want to. seems like after so much that has happened, it's time i woke up from my fairytale. in the real life, it's more about giving him what he needs, what he wants and dealing with your own. today, i don't know what love is anymore...i don't know what to expect and i can only accept whatever cards i'm dealt with. but no matter what, i'll never give up trying to love him the way i can.
i think i know why i love
Nora Roberts' novels so much. She writes of romance that's so full of love, passion and eagerness that sounds perfect to me. Every female character is different - strong, vulnerable, smart, naive, self-content and passionate. At some point in their lives, they'll meet a man who's head over heels in love with them. So much in love that they're willing to trade-in their original no-strings-attached lifestyle just so that they can mould their own future, with each playing the most vital role in the other's story. because of the love he has for her, he wants to savour every bit of her...slowly, lovingly or even savagely. they bask in the warmth of their love constantly, sharing their joy with family and friends, building their own nest with children as evidence of their love. the changes in their lives are welcomed with open arms because they know it's only for the better. we need more of this sorta love in our present society...desperately. i know it's all fiction but i haven't ceased to believe that it doesn't exist in this world.
the perfect match for each one of us is still out there, somewhere. one day, you'll find it. don't try looking to hard cos then u'll miss the best opportunities.
there's so much love in me that's just waiting to be showered upon the person who best deserves it. i might have found him but i can't give him the full shower. short sprinkles now and then is more than enough it seems. i want to drown myself in love, but not my own. i hope i won't cos that's exactly how i'm feeling now.
i promised myself this will be my last and final entry about love and my relationships. from now on, i'm starting a clean slate. with a boring blog. hopefully no-one reads it anymore.
'fallen_angel'
4:06 PM
Happy One Month Anniversary, baby!
it's been a month since 15th September 2005...Quidam!
though it's just one month, i'm sure there's more to come.
you probably didn't know how much today meant to me...the fact that you met my whole family including my aunt and my cuzzies.
and you did well! at least i could tell that everyone liked you and my dad was satisfied with you.
honestly.
i know you were shy and nervous but thank you my darling...
thank you for doing it for me...
sigh
i love you so much.
i'm sorry if you feel we're going too fast but it's just my true feelings... hmm
think i'm blabbering cos it's late.
*my day in short form*
1. mummy's convocation ceremony was super duper boring...lousy speeches and boring people.
2. jack's place for aunt's birthday celebration was a lousy choice. the food sucked big time and i didn't eat anything. so hungry now man. oh well.
3. Party World for KTV. Rocks!!! it's so much fun singing KTV with my cuzzies cos they get super high...and if i didn't come, i wouldn't know that they actually know chinese songs. haha...oh and JJ Lin is damn good...i love his songs man...I wanna go again!
4. Into The Blue's a cool movie cos of the hot babes. Jessica Alba's got the hottest bod and Ashley's Scott hot enough to fry an egg. =D reminded me of the Nora Roberts novel i just read last week about underwater treasure hunting...cool!
5. on the cab home, the reckless taxi driver was speeding at 120kph all the way, it's only just past midnight so there were still lotsa traffic on the highway but he couldn't be bothered. scared the piss outta me boy. when he stopped outside my house, i literally heaved a huge sigh of relief. *phew*
tomorrow?
dunno what i'll do...supposed to go for a facial but depends on whether mummy got make appointment for me or not. if not i'll have to stay home and study my Loreal product knowledge before i go to the sales floor and get screwed by Lilian...freaky freaky!
night all!
'fallen_angel'
1:36 AM
Friday, October 14, 2005
tomorrow's mummy's convocation day.
finally, after so many years, she's graduating with a BBA
sigh
i wonder if i'll have that same determination she has to continue my studies despite difficult circumstances.
i hope i've inherited enough of her to do so.
meanwhile, i got a declaration to make -
I love my family!
daddy, mummy, my sisters, my darling brother, all my dear cuzzies too!
tomorrow's aunt's birthday too so we'll be having dinner together.
it's been ages since we've had a proper meal altogether
kinda looking forward to it...
but tomorrow's also our 1st month anniversay date and i so wanna spend some time with him
sigh
next week i'll have no time at all cos i'll be working 12-13 hour shifts every single day from monday to sunday.
mummy says to ask him to come along since there'll be so many youngsters around anyway...
she scolded me for making a big deal about 1st month cos she say it's not important. bleah.
oh well
she's okay with him coming along for dinner so hope he comes...kill 2 birds with one stone =D
gotta go!
'fallen_angel'
7:54 PM
Thursday, October 13, 2005
ignorant taxi drivers just gets on my nerves lar.
take long route nevermind, get caught in 2 different trafic jams somemore sia.
a less than $14 fare ended up $20.50.
goddammit.
sigh...oh well...i'm just pissed lar...it's okay.
and my ribs hurt like crazy...it feels as though it's broken and it's bruising my delicate skin. no signs of bruising though...what the hell's making it hurt? i don't know, boy. argh...
personally, i feel
Skeleton Key's one hell of a lousy movie.
anti-climax and nothing amazing...what was the big pre-showing hoo-ha about?
but we had private show though ;)
let's just say it was funny to hear moaning in a thriller movie *winkz*
i'm craving for apple and cinammon pretzels again!
i'll probably go get them tomorrow since i'll need to go to Loreal to collect my schedule and uniform anyway...
4.30 pm...superly odd timing...
i need to go study my Loreal notes now...and i'll write Mr. Neo's testimonial after my whole week of work next week...still got 3 more weeks lar...no hurry =)
ciao ciao!
'fallen_angel'
8:15 PM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
oh!
it slipped my mind to say this today -
before i go,
i miss ya loads baby!
so wanna see you.
*grinz*
++++++++++++++++++++
i love you
u love me
we are happy family
with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
you're the purple dinosaur! (*we are happy family)
++++++++++++++++++++
'fallen_angel'
9:04 PM
Long and boring day today.
training at Loreal from 9.30 am to 6.30 pm.
learnt a hell lot about all their products, skincare, make-up, etc...
and i got a free bottle of the new True Match foundation worth 29.90!
it's amazing, i must say...the foundation's like super smooth, light and fits my skin's tone and texture to a T.
only thing is that it's probably not suitable for lazy people cos u'll need loose powder to set it so it's kinda bothersome.
ok. it's getting more boring...i'll stop here =)
got a whole bloody stack of notes to read and study. sianz!
sigh.
i'm aching all over today.
must be from cycling, blading and salsa...
funniest thing is my stomach muscles are freaking aching too...must be the body wave thingy we did over and over again yesterday. haha...damn.
nothing else to say for today...ciaoz all!
'fallen_angel'
8:42 PM
i'm so bloody freaking tired
and i dunno what to say
seems like you too huh?
oh well
i'm so dreading waking up super early tomorrow morning to go for training at Loreal lar.
sigh
one whole week of roadshow...every single day.
i would never do it if not for the money
i'll need the money for textbooks when school starts next month.
no choice.
ruddieman msged me again last night.
after almost 2 months, he finally had the cheek to sms me.
argh
he claimed that he quit cos of what that freaking team leader said to him but i dunno whether to believe him or not.
i once trusted him but he betrayed my trust.
i so f***ing hate that asshole.
he says he still wants me as a friend but i told him to leave me alone. and i trust that he will. sigh. oh well. what's past is past anyway...
hmm...
guess i'll go sleep already...
update again tomorrow.
ciaoz!
'fallen_angel'
12:06 AM
Monday, October 10, 2005
i had the most wonderful day in the recent years of my life today
enjoyed it all immensely.
firstly, i finally booked my test date for the basic theory test
17 Nov Thursday, 5.15 pm.
sigh.
i hope it won't clash with classes.
then i went home and he came!
daddy was at home but he didn't mind and just came in...so proud of him!
anyway
daddy's lousy and showing any form of affection or friendliness so i think he was scared for awhile but everything went just well lar. we talked, he said my room's hypnotising and very nice to sleep in.
haha...baby, why do you think i'm forever sleepy when i'm home?
my daddy told mummy that he looks pleasant enough...meaning, first test passed!
only thing is that mummy's pissed. more like jealous cos daddy got to see him but she didn't.
aww...too bad...your chance will come soon.
tokk a cab to east coast park after that and had a hell lot of fun blading, cycling and chilling.
the last time i bladed was at least 7 years ago but i realised i haven't lost my touch at all! i'm as good as before. *beams*
and the last time i cycled was at least 5 or 6 years ago. and there too, i was like a pro! amazingly. haha...
i so wanna do this again...great exercise! if i do this at least once a week, i know i'll get nicer thighs and firmer butt =D
and plus, it's great fun...
we watched the sunset at bedok jetty and it occured to me that it was the first sunset we've shared since we got together...i'm sure it won't be the last...today's will be etched in my memory forever though.
now, my thighs, butt and arms are aching like crazy. i think i'll probably cramp the minute i wake up tomorrow...but it was all worth it...every single minute of it was amazing.
truly amazing.
i even made friends with her! abit awkward at first but i know things will get better as time goes by...at least no grudges between us now.
gotta go sleep now...super shagged...later all...
i promised you, and i'll keep it. trust me dear...
'fallen_angel'
11:38 PM
Sunday, October 09, 2005
++++++++++++++++++++
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine
you make me happy, when skies are grey...
you'll never know dear, how much i love you
please don't take my sunshine away...
++++++++++++++++++++
'fallen_angel'
9:23 PM
Last day of giving out leaflets...and it lasted only 3 hours!
by 2.30 pm, i had to stop cos they had not enough free gifts all in all.
good for me cos the sun was cruel today
oh so cruel.
had one small laugh though...
a reporter came up to me thinking i was a japanese.
"can i take a picture of you? i'm with the media covering JewelFest 2005"
i was like: huh? no??!!! i'm not even japanese and god knows where my picture will end up.
haha
fools. ignorant fools.
and one more thing that had me grinning back at myself was when 2 caucasian guys who sounded aussie walked past, smiled at me and and said "what's a pretty girl like you doing out in the sun? u're too hot for this job. quit!" haha...i juz smiled and said thanks. what else could i have possibly done dude? haha... it's these small interludes in my life that gives me something to think back on when i can't sleep at night...sigh.
i wonder how many more years can i get to enjoy such interludes before age takes over and steals my sunshine away...
my guardian angel wants me to wear long pants to blade tomorrow cos he's worried i'll fall and scar my knees...
hmph
i'm not that lousy a blader okay.........
though the last time i bladed was at least 6 years ago, i'm sure i can still blade as well as i did before.
but then again, i don't wanna risk my already injured knee...okay la...i'll wear my slacks but bring my shorts...he'll carry for me...yay!
i'm so touched.
i love you!!!
oh and don't ask me why he's my guardian angel. i asked him whether he wants to be my bodyguard instead cos he's forever asking me what i'm wearing when i go out...haha...but he said guardian angel sounds nice. so there you go. =) i like it too...
i'm gonna go watch CSI Supreme Sunday...catcha later!
'fallen_angel'
9:02 PM
Saturday, October 08, 2005
long time no see!
at last, i can say something like this in this blog -
i was busy working the past 3 days...
Thursday night, i was at Mr. Kishore Mahbubani's place helping out with a dinner. It was hard work but enjoyable...nothing much to say about that lar.
Yesterday and today, i was working as a promoter for Shu Uemura with my main duty as leaflet distributor.
Boring job, but it's a job nevertheless...okay pay, easy job, but really tiring and boring. this is gonna be my last time doing it. I swear! tomorrow got one more day. sigh. gotta bear with it.
The funniest thing happened today.I was giving out flyers when all of a sudden, these 2 Hong Kong guys came up to me and flanked me on both sides. before i realised what was going on, their friend took a picture of us! I was like stunned for the moment and juz stared at one of them. then he apologised profusely and smiled sheepishly. " Sorry sorry. We're from Hong Kong and we think you very pretty so want to take picture with you. Thank you!" Then they just ran off like that. thank goodness they were kinda cute and not some crazy uncle. *grins* i felt like a tourist attraction! I think i'm too effective at my job. I was supposed to go on distributing the leaflets until 6.30 pm but at 4 plus, they came out and asked me to stop cos there were too many people at the promotion booth! they couldn't cope! aww. i'm so proud of myself. i could leave super early and he still promised me pay till 6.30...cool ain't it!
went for dinner and then dessert at Bakerzin at Fullerton...very nice atmosphere.
walked to Esplanade with my sisters cos we felt like taking a walk and met him and Joo at Marina Sq. No doubt it was only for a few minutes, it was totally worth it.
I missed him so much lar...at least i got a kiss in return. haha. *wink*
if there was one thing i learnt from this job at Shu Uemura, it is: DO NOT go to orchard road on a Saturday afternoon and evening especially. for every 10 steps you take, one person's gonna approach you and shove a flyer or leaflet or survey form of sorts right in your face. i pitied all the frazzled shoppers that walked past me but i had a job to do...no choice. but i tried to be as unobtrusive as possible. lucky thing is that the Shu Uemura brand was attractive enough so that some ladies even went out of their way to come to me and get the leaflets. free gift mah. haha. typical s'poreans. i had quite an easy time today compared to yesterday...cos i played cheat by staying in the shade. no need to bear the brunt of the sun. yay! haha.
i've told myself countless of times these 2 days...if ever i come across people giving out flyers or stuff, i'll just take it and give them my best smile. unless i'm in a disgusting mood of course. it's tough job and it's still a job, regardless of it's nature. we should all help one another cos u never know when it might be your turn to need the help. love all and help all...*muackz!*
waiting for him to get home so we can talk...i'm so craving for his voice. sigh.
no, i know what you're gonna say baby...of course my life doesn't revolve around you.
it'll suck big time if i let it revolve round you.
but is it wrong for me to love you by making you important to me?
i hope you understand the way i approach a relationship that's built on love and friendship, like ours.
oh well. i love you. and i'll be waiting for your good night kiss!
i'll be back soon...real soon.
'fallen_angel'
10:59 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
+++++++++++++++++++
"Let me hold you when terrible dreams wake you.
Let me hold your hand through those darkest hours.
Let me guide you out of those painful memories.
Let me be there for you because I love you for who you are..."
With those intent eyes that burnt, seared and touched my heart,
Someone said those words to me.
I trusted regardless of nagging doubts.
I know they're now just words that will never be.
Regardless of who, I know those words will probably never be heard again.
But then again.
Words are easily said,
Promises are easily broken,
And fates are thus sealed.
Who says your life lies in your own palms?
I say there's no denying fate as a part-controller of your life.
Now, it's seems I'm left to my own devices when those terrible dreams, darkest hours and painful memories creep up to my vulnerable mind...
+++++++++++++++++++
'fallen_angel'
9:55 PM
lousy day.
supposed to go to Loreal and Winsland house to meet the people in charge this morning at 11 am.
so, i woke up early, literally dragged myself outta bed super reluctantly.
sigh
got there, made me fill up another stupid application form filled with irrelevant stuff and asked me to wait.
so i waited and waited.
half an hour later, she told me there was a miscommunication and the person wasn't there. somemore told me Damien doesn't need part-timers for Shu Uemura. i was like: HUH??? then why was i told differently?
whatever.
so i walked all the way to Borders, bought a new Nora Roberts book to cheer myself up and while waiting for Chris, went to starbucks to get a drink and start on my book.
then Wil called, ask me go back for the briefing and interview at 2.15.
Argh.
pissed me off sia.
anyway, interview was boring and like shit. i'm tolerating everything only for the sake of the money. $$$!!!
spent the rest of my day listening to crap about teenage pregnancy, irresponsible bastards, gangs, fights and vulgarities. huh? and i think i took in enough 2nd-hand smoke to minus away at least a week of my life sia. luckily she decided to collect her 'medicine' in PS and not anywhere around me. I tolerated her only cos of Christabel. Actually she's nice, but i juz wasn't comfortable. sorry.
now, i'm home
bored out of my shoes and missing him like crazy.
she said we probably won't last cos he's too young.
really?
i dunno. i hope not. i want us to last. sigh.
she doesn't believe that i really love him. or that he really loves me. to her, it's infatuation or a silly crush.
but i believe i do. i care so much for him that sometimes i'm afraid he'll suffocate.
sigh
i so wanna go clubbing! DblO, Devil's Bar, etc. It's been so long. but i also wanna quit. how? aiyah. complicated.
so far, chris seems to be the only friend i have that is cool with just chilling at a single place for hours...it doesn't bother her that we've got nothing to do...we just wanna chill. haha. if only others were like that.
i used to have another chilling partner but now, it's a foregone conclusion that that certain someone won't be chilling with me anymore. oh well.
hey you. yeah YOU. i think u jinx us everytime we go out. when we go town, we never see anyone we know. but today, without you, i saw so many! and guess what? I saw your eye-candy! jealous jealous? hmm. but i still don't think she's hot in any way. but then again, your taste is weird. nvm.
gonna go cool off first. might or might not be back...see how lar.
'fallen_angel'
8:35 PM
i've finally got some work to do!
haha...
the happiest person must be you, darling.
aren't you glad i'm gonna get off your back finally and earn some money?
nuh-uh. don't lie. i know you are over the moon...*grins*
anyway.
i still can't believe i'm gonna go into cosmetics at this time.
started with the smses my mum have made a point to send me in recent MORNINGS.
i had the urge to call one out of the tens of thousands she offered to me this afternoon when i got done with Nora Roberts.
turned out that they were looking for promoters for a Loreal cosmetics roadshow from 17/10 to 23/10.
that's an entire week!
i went down to tanjong pagar for an interview that turned out to be super smooth cos as soon as she saw me, she said:" i don't doubt your abilities to sell. now, tomorrow u've gotta go meet my client at Winsland House, ......" i was stunned but it was a pleasant feeling after all.
i got out and while walking towards the MRT station, she called me again:" erm. i got another job for Shu Uemura. Interested? We need a
pretty girl to represent the brand at the Takashimaya counter. All you need to do is give out flyers." Well, with my delicate ego nicely boosted, i said yes. this weekend's all booked now. kinda feels good to have something to do again.
Just yesterday, Mrs. Anne Mahbubani called to ask me to help out at a private function at her place on Thursday. Just a few hours so I said okay. Didn't have the heart to reject her a second time since she thinks highly of me.
Haha.
All in all, it's a happy day.The short 2-3 hours spent with him was enjoyable too. very very enjoyable.everything felt so sweet...god. i love you so much...try to stop driving me crazy with that grin of yours kaez?or not i'll fall head over heels again and again, and end up cartwheeling my life away.once again, i've proved my point that quality, not quantity of time spent is perfectly true...crappy.that's besides the point.maybe, just maybe, i should start testing out the theory of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.seems to me it might work out pretty well with him. *winks*since i'll be busy with work for the rest of this week, the next time we can actually meet would be next week. so let's just see how things turn out...who knows? a pleasant surprise might just be in store.oh! and i'm mighty proud of myself for playing the role of a big-hearted girlfriend so well. haha...i'm beginning to like myself abit. at least seeing her didn't really spoil my mood so that's a good start.though i had a fleeting urge give him a nice long kiss right there and then, i decided it was so super silly of me...but oh how satisfying that will be! like: " he's mine. hands off or i swear i'll bite!" the things jealous females can do huh? crazee...haha...
i see why friends are so important to him and i admire that about him.
he always seems happy around everyone and i'm satisfied to see him enjoying himself.dear, though i sometimes feel that i don't have to like all of your friends just cos they're your friends, rest assured that i'll try my best...cos i know they mean alot to you...every single one of them. don't worry...i know what to do.girls, though i know it should be payback time, i can't bring myself to do it...maybe one day if he goes overboard ya? hahaha...i'll keep those ideas in mind. "if u didn't come along, i might have ended up with ... *burst out laughing*!!!" i'll remember that for sure...haha...
met sabrina just now...my cuzzie! haha. gawd. she called my full chinese name! like: CHEN BEI SHI!!! from across the mrt station. haha. can i just ask? what the hell happened to your hair? last time nicer lar...go cut again! missie where got so funky hair one? oops. haha...i'm kidding lar.
salsa was pretty cool today...marcus was pretty amused at himself the whole lesson for reasons i can't quite comprehend and jennifer was so cute today.
i had some fun flinging my hair in the face of my poor guy partners and attacking them with viciousness i didn't even know i possessed. haha. sorry guys.
enjoyed dancing with almost everyone. almost. i'd like to think tian was distracted so he danced funny with me. and i wanna emphasise once again: tian. your hand is meant to be at my shoulder. NOT the waist. kay? *smiles widely*
next week, should i give up salsa for wan ting's bbq? sigh. tough call. i really dunno. i'll just decide tomorrow. now damn lazy to think...just wanna blabber incoherently.
from today onwards, i'm gonna try to cut short my entries. really. i swear.
*giggles* no. i'm sure i'll fail at that attempt. sigh. failure failure. total failure.
time to shut up and go snuggle snuggle. if only he's here. oh well. nite nite. sweet dreams cleo... =D
'fallen_angel'
1:17 AM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Goodbyes and farewells.
hell knows how much i hate them.
i received it, read it over and over again
now, i'm at a lost for words.
it was never my intention for things to turn out this way
but there no point for 'buts' or 'if onlys' huh?
i know you've been here and have read about my thoughts and feelings
ithad never meant to be a secret anyway.
no doubt you've made mistakes...but who hasn't?
hell! i've made gazillions of them.
there's no need to ask for forgiveness for there is no blame.
there's no need to plead for that little favour for i will offer.
not in the name of graciousness, but in the name of past and memories
don't pray for me; i don't deserve such kindness.
but i feel i've let you down and hence let me be the one praying - for your happiness, safety and success.
rest assured i will remember you and if the day comes and i see you on the streets, i'll say 'hi...it's been a while'
i think u know that i'm satisfied with what i have now
love is selfish and i am not sorry for that
i believe whatever happened, happened for a reason
i'm starting on a clean and fresh slate just as i've promised him and myself...and there's no way i'll allow myself to make silly mistakes once again.
i've began to appreciate the meaning of the phrase: "when he doesn't love you the way you want him to, it doesn't mean that he's not loving you the best he can"
i'm one who's perfectly comfortable in silence... but it seems you're not and i'm losti dunno what to do, honestly.i'm sorry to put you through long periods of silence that you seem impatient with... but i don't see how we can do otherwise. i dunno if i'm right but i'm just throwing in a wild guess... don't take any of it to heart.i'm kinda emo today.
moody, pent-up and all that funny funny feelings.
why?
i dunno any more than you do so don't bother trying to find out.shan't waste my time here since i dunno what else to say...
'fallen_angel'
12:52 AM
Monday, October 03, 2005
life's so full of ironies, twists and turns ain't it?
if my memory serves me well enough, my life's taken a turn from the dreams i had just a mere 2 or 3 years ago.
back then, i told these to my mum and all she did was listen and smile:
"i wanna get married by the age of 22 and have my first kid before 25. i want at least 3 kids - oldest boy and 2 little girls. girls are good cos i can dress them up like little barbie dolls. an oldest boy cos i've always dreamt of a big brother...i've grown up envying my friends who have big brothers to dote on them constantly. my husband would be the greatest guy on earth who treats me like his queen and his little girls like princesses. he'd have a steady job, no need to be rich but must be responsible. i'll have my own career on track and far from DINKs, we'll be happy with dual income and kids to share our lives with."
i can hear everyone laughing now. silly dream eh? now, at the age of 18 and a future pointing in unknown directions, i no longer know whether my life will go as planned.
so far, older guys have only succeeded in screwing up my life big time, offering me no sense of security or comfort. and now when i think of it, i so prefer guys closer to my age...they might not be perfect or mature when it comes to relationships but they're fun. it's suddenly dawned on me that life's short and unpredictable. if we don't have fun and enjoy life while young, when can we live life to its fullest?
but if i sit down and do my math, gawd! there's absolutely no way my guy can finish school, finish NS, get a steady job and marry me before i turn 22. Mission impossible, gurl! my dream can only be fulfilled with a guy much older, who have generally proved themselves to be jerks and so from today onwards, they remain as dreams... i've gotta start formulating a new dream now. sigh.
but just a statement beforehand: i'd really love to have kids before i grow too old to watch them grow up. i wanna hold on to my youth while i give lessons about life to my kids. i wanna be able to bring them to places i've never been too while i still have to vitality in me. i wanna experience the freedom of not having hit the big four-0 and already got no kids to trouble me. i've heard the crap about independent new-age women who don't need kids and a husband to enjoy life but i think that's bulls***. i love my family and i want my own one. i love kids and i wanna be able to stroll down sunset beaches in the arms of the man i love when i'm streaked with grey hair. hmm. i don't expect people to understand my thinking but that's just me.
another part of me wants very much to travel the world...in a kebaya. yes. i wanna be an SIA girl. i've harboured such a wish ever since i took my first flight with SIA. the stewardesses seemed so elegant, pretty and nice. my dad says it's just being a 'high-class waitress'. i really couldn't be bothered to argue. it's so much more than that. everytime we go to the airport, i'd gawk endlessly at the groups of SIA girls walking by with the luggage and handbag. even till today, everyone's asking me whether i've thought of being an air-stewardess...and i always said "maybe". as much as i want to, it'd depend on circumstances. if like today, i'm attached to a guy i love, i couldn't possibly bear to leave the coutry for days on end ever so frequently. so, it's still a maybe. unless u be an SIA guy with me! haha. dream on lar. things change and we've just gotta be flexible. after i lose my credibilty as an SIA girl when i hit 25, i'd leave and settle down, build my little circle of love.
so you see? it's either one or the other. life's all about choices ain't it? it's about taking risks, calculated or not, and embracing whatever the result may be. but one cannot downplay the influence of fate. if fate so decreeds that i meet the man of my dreams right now, i'll take whatever's given and build my life with this start.
by the way, news flash for today - Bali just got bombed again! geez man. wassup with the world? the muslim extremist have been reported as the culprits of the bombing and i just can't figure out why the hell they've gotta do something like that to the people of their own country and race?
this is in no way a political comment, just some personal feelings...no offence taken alright?
i respect the muslim religion as i respect every religion. we all have a right to our beliefs. but have these extremist ever paused to give a thought to their own people? how they'd suffer when tourism is affected in Bali? come on!
Bali obviously survives on tourism and being the 2nd time it's being bombed, who knows when there'll be a 3rd? a 4th? no-one ever gonna go back there till years on. by then, will the quaint little island with lovely beaches and lovely people still be in survival? it's doubtful.
maybe the sayings are right. the end of the world is nearing. just check out the number of hurricanes and typhoons tearing across all parts of the world recently. the states alone has had to bear the brunt of 2 callous hurricanes - katrina and rita. will my kids or my kid's kids ever get to live a full life? i don't even wanna start thinking about it now...too far off.
one last word for the day. i'm trying to convince myself i'm not a blog-addict. no rozy, i am not. oh and i love you too. you, the other you and all the rest of yous out there. i love all of ya...loads!*p.s. he's back!!! geez. i'm scared. god, please don't let anything go wrong k? i'll be guilty all my life. argh.
'fallen_angel'
2:37 PM
boring sunday
++++++++++
woke up at 2 pm with one hell of a splitting headache.
think it's the freaking hangover from last night's chardonnay.
sigh
had lunch made up of white gardenia bread with bacon and luncheon meat
still hungry but guess i'll make up for it with dinner later
watched CSI supreme sunday earlier and i never fail to be impressed with each and every episode.
all that logical thinking, lab work, etc...though it's all fictional, i'm still very much in awe.
when i was a little girl, i had the dream of studying all about criminology and understand the complicated minds of human beings.
but as i grew up, i decided the world has a side that's too ugly and life would be so much sweeter if we don't analyse and look too far into it.
so here i am today, hospitality and tourism management.
i'm so much happier dedicating my career to making people's day.
in this industry, knowledge is not as important as passion. to succeed, it takes determination, passion, love and lots of patience. i believe i have all, and even more.
now i'm watching the re-run of EPL's man utd vs. fulham from last night.
having been a loyal man utd fan since i was 12, i cannot say i'm happy with their results in the recent seasons.
ferguson's getting on in years and new blood might be needed to lift the devils again.
recent transfer of players, in and out, i'm doubtful but from the looks of it, i like Park Ji Sung.
lotsa energy in him, strong down the centre of the field and clever passes, clever play all in all.
his holding it up with the bigger boys from the west and it's something to admire...
haven't had the mind to watch soccer recently but i'm still keeping a lookout.
one thing i must say is that i liked kieran richardson alot...i'm sad he's left. oh well.
about last night.
i dunno if i did the right thing by saying what i said but i'm glad i did, to a certain extent.
i feel a little more assured no doubt but there are things only time can tell.
to everyone, i might seem self-confident in every way...
but in truth, i'm a girl with low self-esteem and an inferior complex at times.
when that happens, i slip onto the edge of depression and anything, anything at all can topple me right into the depths of it. it has happened before and i'm not ashamed to say it. depression has been a part of my life over the past 4 years and only i know how i've been living a double life all this while. in front of everyone else, my loved ones, friends and acquaintances, i'm a normal teenager trying to get through everything life throws in my path. deep down inside, i've become withdrawn, quiet and inferior. i can no longer count the number of nights i remain tossing and turning in bed with nothing on my mind and tears flow on their own free will. don't ask me why i cry myself to sleep because i have no idea even. usually i wake up and i'll be fine once again.
those nights have been a distant memories of recent months. guess things are changing for the better and it certainly means i'm happier than before. thank you, my dear. i'm sorry about last night if i've scared you... i promise i'll stop thinking that way and just enjoy our time together. these things, only time can tell. i love you... more than i ever thought i would. now i know u do too.
'fallen_angel'
6:59 AM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
hopelessness is juz a state of mind
+++++++++++++++++++++++
to err once, it's expected.
to err twice, it's merely human.
to err thrice, it's forgivable.
to err any more than that, i'll have to start looking back on myself.
have i erred once again?
i had a choice, i made it with total conviction and passion.
i felt it was right.
was it?
i know i'll never regret.
but will i come to feel sorry for myself?
it's a huge question mark over my head...
someone gimme the answer please...
people say it's better to be loved than to love.
i beg to differ cos i wanna love
it's not easier but it's so much more satisfying.
i only want to be loved the way i can love...
will the day come?
perhaps, maybe, probably.
hopes and dreams are what i have and will always be what i hold on to.
..............................................
i'm home.
spent the entire day out in town with him.
watched 2 movies - corpse bride and 4 brothers.
corpse bride was really corny, with a lousy storyline, but nice generally...good laughs all around.
4 brothers played with humanity in the dank and dark lanes of Detroit, America. gruesome, mindless and rather interesting.
one point to note in the whole day was lunch at Burger King, Wheelock Place.
Lousy service, poorly trained staff and super slow service...i wouldn't go back there again if i ever had a choice so that's just one friendly warning for all my friends out there.
now it's 10.54 on my computer's time and i'm at my humble abode, drinking french chardonnay. not some expensive vintage but still has a rather good touch of apricots and citrus. refreshing, but not good enough.
given a choice, i'd be at the beautiful City Space bar up on the 69th floor of Swissotel sipping margaritas but with a tight budget, i've gotta be satisfied with whatever i've got.
i can't seem to explain the sudden urge to drink something nice, strong and alcoholic but the urge was there nonetheless and i believe in satisfying all my urges as much as possible. so now, i've got another bottle of vodka passion lying in the bar fridge waiting for me to finish up with the chardonnay. i'll take my time with it =)
i feel as though something's not quite right but i can't seem to put a definite finger on what is indeed wrong. i just wish if there was something truly off, someone would tell me. i've been feeling restless for many many nights now and it feels as though i'm just waiting to see what's gonna happen. instinct somehow's telling me that it's gonna be bad. i dunno what it is, and i pray i'll never need to know.
i'm sorta satisfied with my life right now...being in the relationship with the one i love, having some time off to be on my own and chill, not having to worry so much about household bills anymore and having the freedom i've always yearned for. i know i'll start working soon cos i'm born a restless soul and a workaholic...i can't stop for long. it's just a matter of sooner or later now.
'fallen_angel'
2:12 PM
Saturday, October 01, 2005
A TRIBUTE TO SOME V.I.P.s IN MY LIFE++++++++++++++++++++++++++++was about to start dreaming about my prince charming sweeping me off my feet in lalaland when i decided the night is still young.
suddenly thought of all the people in my life and how i might never ever get to tell all of them what they mean to me...so this will be my best option for now.
(in no specific order whatsoever)to my sayang Rozy.
okay. i'm beginning to sound really corny. but it doesn't matter lar. the fact is, she's one fine lady who has made the biggest difference to my poly life. i don't wanna be naggy here so here's what i wanna shout out to her: " 1 and a half years babe! you've listened to all my whining and all my crap all this time and you were always there. u comforted me when i was down, shared my happiness when i was up, cleared my thoughts when i was confused and best of all, u were never afraid to scold me when i was going off-track. i'll never forget the day i upset u so badly that u teared. that was when i really woke up and decided that i'm worth more than all that crap guys were treating me as. truly, thanks to you, i'm where i am now. though i dunno whether it is where i'm meant to be, i'm happy and i know you'll be happy for me. whatever it is, i want you to know that i'll always be right here for you the way you've been for me. lurvya gurl!"
to the one love of my life right now, you know who you are.erm. let's keep this short and sweet...you know you made a huge difference in my life and that it's still ongoing. next semester we'll both have to work harder to do better together k? that's it =)
sher and gang. or she likes to call it blk-G people.sentosa's so much more fun with all of you lar. it's u guys that make me look forward to salsa classes every tuesday and oh how i dread the day salsa classes end. i know my entry in to the clique was kinda abrupt and it took awhile for acceptance to come along but i appreciate everything. honestly. but drey and sher, next time bite me, don't bite bare shoulder k? there's something called pain okay? haha. i'm kidding. i'm juz beginning to love each and every one of you to bits. *muackz* can't wait for next semester to start!
edna, my true bestie from SCGS.you know what gurl? you're probably the best thing ever that happened to me in SCGS. you know exactly how i feel about our 'beloved' secondary sch so no elaborations needed huh? nevertheless, at least there's one thing i thank SC for...and that's you. like you told me, after so many years of leaving SC, you've never found someone who understood you the way i do and guess what? me too...i'll never forget the silly things we did as young foolish girls and the ridiculous arguments and cold wars we had. i like to think they strengthened what we shared though. sigh. if only those days can come back to us. i can't wait to see you again gurl. in the meantime, take good care of yourself k? i love you! *MUACKZZZZ!!!*
i really mean to continue but it's so late my brain's not functioning. i'll be back with more tributes as soon as my mind wakes up from it's present slumber. stay tuned...
oh oh! last words before i go.
I'm meeting him tmw! yay! after 3 days, finally i get to not miss him but see him. I don't know what we're gonna do the whole day but i don't really care cos i get to spend the day with him and that's more than enough.
can't wait! all the more i should go sleep now right? okok...sweet dreams!
'fallen_angel'
5:16 PM
MY IDEA OF THE ONE IDEAL DAY IN LIFE1100 hrs: wake up from lalaland
1115 hrs: drag myself outta bed and go wash up
1145 - 1230 hrs: decide on what to wear
1230 - 1300 hrs: make-up my ugly face
1300 hrs: get outta house
1400 hrs: arrive in town and walk to the nearest bookstore, on the way window-shop
1500 hrs: settle down in the nearest or most comfy starbucks with my fav drink and egg sandwich. start alternating between people-watching and reading my nora roberts.
1800 hrs: call someone who's free to have dinner with me
1900 hrs: walk around and enjoy the city by night
2000 hrs: sit somewhere, chill, drink and chat
2400 hrs: go home, shower and slip back into lalaland
woo-hoo! cool eh. all my favs rolled into one single day. if only everyday can live like that.
option no. 2 --
11 am: wake my darling up with one big fat slobbery kiss and crawl under the covers to cuddle up
1 pm: (don't ask me what happen during those 2 hrs. i dunno. lalala...) eat lunch.
2 pm: watch dvd/vcd till there's nothing else to watch for the rest of the day.
other than that: slack around and do whatever comes to mind.
slacking and chilling at home with the guy i love. another ideal way to spend the day. ah well.
the first option's what i usually do when i got nothing else to do but the second...hmm...let's just say i'm waiting for the day to come.
It's the second time i'm saying this today...but i love you and i miss you...whoever you are. =D
i wanna see you again...real soon. now can? argh. crazy BYTCH.
'fallen_angel'
5:52 AM
boo.
juz woke up from my beauty sleep.
at 1.30 pm.
i feel like a major full-time slacker. ugh.
mummy tried to wake me up with a barrel-load of sms at 9 am but i juz refused to.
she's smsing me numbers of people who need event promoters so i can get something to do.
it's the 2nd day in a row she's doing this and it's still not working.
this is what she msged me yesterday morning - "sexy promoters needed 906*****"
WADEHELL? she's encouraging me to be a sexy promoter.
but then again, it sounds like fun. $15 per hour sia. freaking good money.
anyway. now i've got a hell lot of numbers i'm supposed to call but i'm procrastinating.
PROCRASTINATING. sound like you, baby? haha.
i was actually waiting to see if he wanted to meet me today but no. so. guess i should start looking for work .
haven't seen him in 3 whole days. not a very long time, but not very short either.
sighhhhhh. i miss him like crazy and does he know it? probably. but nothing can be done.
oh well. i'm craving for auntie annie's cinammon sugar pretzels now. should i or should i not?
maybe i'll juz go down to town on my own to eat.
then i can have some moments of peace alone...hmm...
reading at starbucks can be really enjoyable. especially in orchard cos can people-watch.
hahaha...then can secretly laugh at people who have no sense of fashion.
EVIL. but then again, i don't care. haha...
maybe i'll juz go downtown and then at starbucks can start calling all those annoying numbers mummy sent
maybe. just maybe.
if only
he can accompany me. sigh.
tsk tsk. get a grip girl! he can't meet u, no big deal lar...right. no big deal. i like being on my own anyway.
now i'm blabbering. juz stop here lar...but stay tuned. i'll be back...
'fallen_angel'
5:16 AM
