.love is rocking my world.

I'm just an ordinary girl.
If you don't know me, I'll seem like an ice-queen
If you do know me, I'm nice enough to be a caring friend

For my friends, I treasure every single one of you.
For my family, no love can be greater than mine for each of you.
For the people who don't like me, I hope I get the chance to change your mind one day.
For the one who I love with all my heart, you mean the world to me and I'll never wanna let you go.

. . . . .

Caution:
This blog contains long and wordy entries due to my love for language.
Stay away if you faint at words.
I'm serious!

Friday, June 30, 2006

i've decided to go for the SIA interview this weekend
so, question now is saturday or sunday?
if saturday, i can get it over and done with and can stop thinking about it.
but it would mean that i have to go early in the morning on my own to take passport-sized photo before making my way down to Raffles the Plaza
if sunday, mummy will be free to accompany me
then i'll have some form of support from her
since she's the one who is constantly encouraging me to go for this...
hmm...
how?

watching Argentina play Germany in the quarter-finals now
rocky start for both sides
and all i see is the ball ping-ponging from end to end of the pitch
without much of the beautiful game being played
i support Argentina, but i can't help but feel that Germany will not lose this game
oh well, we'll see in the next hour or so...

'fallen_angel'
11:09 PM

before i enter slumberland
i've got this sudden urge to recount my most memorable birthdays

one i'll never forget is my 14th birthday
my birthday, like this year, was on a monday.
i was in my very first relationship at that time, and very much in love
or so i thought...
in the midst of the school holidays, i had lots of free time on my hands and wanted to spend it with my first special someone.
so the sunday before my actual birthday, the 11th, i had a great time out with my boyfriend...
spent an entire day out together and it felt like the best birthday i've had in ages.
i was a happy girl essentially...
sadly, the euphoria didnt last for long.
tuesday, a day after my birthday, i received a call from someone i didnt know
and the essence of the conversation was basically him telling me how my boyfriend was out with another girl on the friday before, and how he was making out with that same girl the next day, saturday, at her home. and he had the cheek to celebrate my birthday for me the very next day. what nerve!
at that time, i felt like the world just came a-crashing down on me
what was i to do?
confront?
eventually, i did. but all i got was vehement denials for weeks and weeks on end
the pain and the hurt that you experience when you've been cheated on, is so immense... especially when you put all faith in your partner and it's something so least expected.
and the least i had hoped from him was honesty and remorse.
but none came...
it was the worse sort of birthday gift any girl can ever ask for
and that was what i go for my 14th birthday
from my first love

next in line would have to be this year's 19th birthday
if you've read my blog recently, i think you'd know the reason one
it was spent in misery at home
with no significant mention of my birthday by either of my parents
no happy birthday, a pathetic cake only because my baby brother insisted on one, and no nothing from them.
there was a time when mummy used to buy me cards and write me sweet little messages on them... like she knew i was a soccer fan and she bought me a card with the picture of a girl kicking a soccer ball. in it she wrote:"no matter how old you are, you'll always be my little girl"
so simple but so treasured
i dont blame her, but i cant help but feel the way i feel too

last year's birthday was one i enjoyed too
18 years old
the only cake and birthday song i got was from my beloved group mates
angela, shawn, gavin and alvin
we were at the 10 dollar ktv when they conspired to go get cakes for me
i was really touched by it
and i really miss those times we shared
chionging projects, singing at the ktv, etc

the year before
17 years old
the only cake and birthday song i got was from my lovely colleagues at work
when i was still at Kovan Minitoons
we were about to leave the outlet after closing cos it was already 11 plus at night
when they shut off all the lights and brought out a cake
it was heartwarming
till today, i cannt forget those folks i worked with...
the ones who took care of me like i was their sister and daughter
the manager who had faith in me and trusted my abilities so completely
the person who kept me company when i was down and eventually broke my heart
so many memories in one place.. that night was the happiest...

in fact,
i cant even remember the last time my family bought a birthday cake or even truly celebrated my birthday for me
i think ever since i was 12, mum and dad decided that i was too old for birthday cakes already
so it just abruptly stopped
but seriously, is anyone ever too old for birthday cakes?
it would mean so much more to be from them, instead of anyone else
but the weirdest thing?
my sis chloe still get swensens' cake every single year, till now, when she's already 17.
seems as though she never can get old enough huh?
see shawn? that's what i meant by being the eldest child has pros and cons. you seem to grow up earlier and faster, in the eyes of your elders.

oh well...
next year, i'll be turning 20.
we'll see.

'fallen_angel'
2:36 AM

time really flies...
in less than 2 and a half more months,
i'll be starting my internship at Treetops Executive Residences
it's a great position, a great company and the best thing is one of my greatest girl-friends will be there with me... Rozy!
=D
only difficulty i'll definitely face is the mere $500 allowance each month
it's gonna be tough
but i'll find a way through it
i know i can
and in a lil' more than half a year,
i'll be graduating from TP
with my precious diploma...
and there goes my life as a full-time student
it's like a dilemma, really.
i'm looking forward to graduating so that i can start working and start contributing significantly to my family
i'm looking forward to life outside of school
but at the same time,
it's scary...
i have no clear idea of what lies in store for me ahead
really
though i have dreams and goals,
i think i still lack that crucial determination to work towards it
for one, SIA will be holding interviews for cabin crew recruitment this weekend
at Raffles The Plaza
i'm itching to go for it
but then again i'm afraid
of what? i dont think i'm really sure of it either
i know i have what it takes and most importantly i have the passion
but what if?
what if i dont make it?
what if i make it but they are not willing to wait half a year for me to graduate before i can start?
what if my dad pulls that same trick and stops me from going for it?
all the what ifs...
but then again, i tell myself that i should just take it as an experience...
i can always try again after graduation if fate so decreeds
right?
but what about my hopes to go to Australia to further my studies?
i know it's not really possible because my grades are not fantastic enough for me to get scholarships or bursaries, and neither am i financially able to see myself through college
but it's still a hope
do i want to let go of it?
for one, mummy is not very supportive
because she knows that she cannot afford to send me there
and she doesnt want to see me work my way through college if i really go over
so how?
guess the answer's quite clear huh?
the logical and most realistic step to take is follow my dreams... join SIA... save up enough and complete my degree.
so that brings me back to that same question - should i or should i not go this weekend?
sigh
confused
some people tell me not to think about it now... there's still time.
but seriously? there's not much time...
the 17 weeks at internship will fly by so quickly
and before you even know it, it'll be 'bye-bye TP'.
and i'm not a person who can live my life not knowing what i'm working for
in every part of my life
it's just not me
oh well... i have a whole day tomorrow to think about it...

this afternoon,
i had a nice time talking to a good friend...
and i realised that it's really true when people say that talking about your troubles puts them in perspective and makes it clearer for you to see the issues that need to be tackled
having someone to talk to about what's on your mind is the best way to lessen your own load
i hope that i was of some help to you...
at least i hope i managed to relieve you of some of your confusion
i do know that i might not be able to give really good advice
but i also know that i can be a good listening ear
well
all i can say now is
what's done is already done
you might not like how it has turned out but there's no one to blame
not even yourself
there are so many things that are unexplainable... especially when it comes to feelings
i know it's not gonna be easy
but you've gotta try to take things slowly and see how it goes
i think we're both in a similar situation
and i know how you feel
but i'm also lost...
irony right?
but... what to do...
anyway, it's gonna be your birthday soon and we'll be celebrating it for you so cheer up!
all's not lost yet
=)

it's gonna be a hectic month or two ahead
what with project submissions, portfolio submissions, presentations, tests and the final exams coming up...
i probably won't be blogging so often
but i'll try to keep you guys updated about my life...
nights like tonight...
especially when loneliness strikes
and there's no one you can talk to
despite having more than 200 contact numbers in my handphone phonebook
and for me
the best way to chase away the blues is to write
write about anything that's on my mind
that's why sometimes you see self-composed poetry, lyrics, emo pieces, crazy rantings and even boring, pointless entries
and it's this sort of nights that make me reflect on what i've done with my life so far...

19 years
so much has come and gone
sometimes i think of secondary school life in SCGS
and am reminded of all the triumphs i achieved in both my studies and sports
netball, basketball, tennis, badminton, gymnastics, cheerleading, softball, track and field, bowling and swimming, are just some of the sports i took part in and won medals and trophies for.
then there is the countless numbers of talenttime competitions that involved singing, dancing and acting... we mostly won because i had a great class with amazing talents to work with...
leadership roles such as peer support leader, literature peer mentor, etc were bestowed upon me and i relished them with great pride
memories of how i got a rude awakening when i scored on 28/100 for my sec3 mid-year a.math exams and ended up working so hard that i scored a 98% for my final exams
and i remember how i felt like an outcast in school early in sec1 because i was the only one from my primary school to go there and i knew no one... plus i couldnt fit into the majority of the girls because many are rich daddy's little girls who were pampered so badly i couldnt relate to them
it was made worse by myself because i was in a way so painfully shy that i didnt dare to approach them to make friends
things slowly changed... especially after i met people like Edna
she helped me through all the times when the other girls who didnt like me started spreading hurtful rumours about me, and through all those times when i had no faith in myself at all...
i hated my life in SCGS, but i guess i learnt alot from the girls there as well...
and undeniably, i had an enriching experience.
no where else would i have been able to participate in those 10 different forms of sports repeatedly over 4 years.

and not to mention poly life in TP
hectic
and the time just passed so suddenly
it seems like just yesterday when a whole group of us used to hang out together, chilling and bitching...
started with Cynthia, Jay, Nat and Chris
then joined Rozy
we were a rather crazy bunch of people at that time and i really enjoyed those times spent together
and now everyone's split... the only one left as a true friend to me is Rozy... whom i'm extremely grateful for and satisfied with ;)
and over the semesters, i've found other great friends as well...
you all know who you are lar right?!
yes darlingS... you...
and yes my nu-er... you...
and yes to all the other guys and gals who made my poly life as fulfilling as it should be...

this last lap... will be tough cos i know i'm distracted and not focused
but just like in a 4x100m relay, the anchor has the toughest job, but the most satisfying one too.
all the efforts of the previous 3 runners will ultimately boil down to this final anchor lap runner
make or break, it's all up to man and fate.

i think i'm beginning to ramble aimlessly... so guess i shall stop here.
it's 2.13 am
and Mitch is still in the recording studio...
tsk tsk tsk
get some rest and please try to take care?
seems to me you're working far too hard...
anyway
now, i shall try to get some sleep
so that i can do more work tomorrow
good night all!

'fallen_angel'
1:08 AM

Sunday, June 25, 2006

despite all that's said and done
solitude still beckons me to join its ranks
and yes,
i think i've signed up to be a member of the solitude society
singlehood...
means freedom
but can also mean loneliness
means self-discovery
but better not mean self-destruction

-------------------------------------------
[self-composed... 2003]

Rounding the left corner of the street
The cool evening breeze is in my hair
And the tears streamig down my cheeks

Where's everybody?
Where are the smiling couples hand-in-hand?
Where are the giggling children playing catch?
Where are the pimply teens acting like they own the world?
Where's everyone?

I'm lost
Can't find my way
Can't see where I belong
Can't find my way home
Where's me?

In the world I see myself in
No-one's there
No-one's there to pick me when I fall
To comfort me when I cry
Like now.
Where's everyone?

I've rounded the left corner of the street
The evening breeze is nowhere to be found
And the night's as still as my heart
My tears are still streaming
When will it ever cease to flow?
I wish for a huge torrent of rain
To mask my pain and tears
Where am I?

Where will I end up in?
Who will I end up as?
-------------------------------------------

Journey to the Past

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't run back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No-one ever mentions fear
Or how the world can seem so vast
On a journey to the past

Somewhere down the road
I kow someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well startign now I'm learning fast
On this journey to the past

Home. Love. Family.
There was once a time I must have had them too
Home. Love. Family.
I will never be complete until I find you

One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
And bring me home
At last.
-------------------------------------------

Reflection

Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool
my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

I am now
in a world where I have to
hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must
be free to fly
That burns with a need
to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
what we think
how we fee?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
------------------------------------------
a new life
a new start...

'fallen_angel'
1:17 AM

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

i hate you
how could you have did what you did, without giving a single thought for the people who love you so much, trusted you so much and needed you so much?
how could you have possbly did what you did, and turned back to point your accusing finger at us?
how could you blame us, for all the mistakes that you made?
how can you say you love us when you can obviously neglect us for your own pleasure whenever you wish?
how can you act like nothing is ever happening to us?
how can you undermine and ignore her, when all she ever needs is your love and devotion?
how can you?
how could you?
i hate you so very much... and only because i love you just as much...

'fallen_angel'
1:19 AM

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Had a nice time out last night...
caught Lindsay Lohan's Just My Luck at The Cathay in the evening
followed by dinner at Chijmes
The movie was funny, relaxing, not a very big deal but nevertheless a pleasure to watch
at least it made me smile while watching the very cute male lead fall on his face
haha
after the movie, we took a walk towards Chijmes
and ate our dinner at Bobby Rubino's
cos he had a craving for something sinful and fatty
Chijmes is now officially in football frenzy i must say
huge big screens everywhere
soccer fans everywhere
and is it my imagination or has prices of food and drinks gone up as well?
oh well
just a little too bad that i wasnt with a hardcore soccer fan
or else i would get to watch the Portugal vs. Iran match
haha
sorry to girls like Siying da jie da =)
instead of complaining of my guy neglecting me cos of World Cup, i think i would be the one neglecting my guy cos of it.
we walked to Esplanade and up the bridge
sat there to chill for quite a while before making our way home
all in all, i enjoyed myself...
didnt have to think of much so...
thanks...

watching Japan vs. Croatia now
at 12 mn, Brazil vs. Australia
at 3 am, France vs. S.Korea
so that means i wont be sleeping till 5am
which also means, it's highly possible that i'll come back here to rant about the matches
cya!

'fallen_angel'
9:21 PM

Friday, June 16, 2006

my goodness!
Argentina just whacked Serbia&Montenegro 6-0!!!
amazing amazing match
the teamwork between the Argentinians
the instinctive passes they seemed to pull off without breaking a sweat
the way they flooded the opponents part of the field during an attack
i thought there were 20 players on the pitch instead of just 10 (excluding GK of cos)
this team, i can admit that i hadly know most of the players first-hand
but only because most are young, and not well-known.
nevertheless, it's an exceptional squad
so what if they're not famous?
they play well as a team and that's the most important
unlike Holland for example... who have great talented players but pathetic teamwork
and i think i got a new footbaling idol - Lional Messi!
he's a mere 18 years of age
i've heard all the hype about him since months ago
but i never did put any thought to it cos i never really see him in full action at top form
till today
his touches, runs and passes showed footballing maturity beyond his years
came on as a sub, created the 5th goal and scored the 6th
and at other times, he probed endlessly at the opponent's defence, showed great skill on the ball and vision to be at the right places at the right times
is it any wonder why Maradona claims that this precocious young talents will be his successor as the icon of Argentinian football?
haha
it's a crazy world
especially at the world cup
hmm
on hindsight, is this a sign?
that for Serbia&Montenegro's matches, we should all bet on "Total goals: 6" at the S'p pools?
vs Holland, it was 4-2 to the dutch
and now vs Argentina, 6-0
hmmm.... a hint to all world cup crazy gamblers out there?
hahahaha

i'm bored......
bored like crazy.......

'fallen_angel'
11:06 PM

watching the Argentina-S&M match on TV now
alone at home, only because Mum and Dad brought the little ones to the Night Safari
seems like everything has became peaceful on the surface...
or has it?
if it truly has, i can only say that i really underestimated mummy's heart for forgiveness
nothing will make me happy, more than seeing my family happy together again
i'm in this stoned mood today
nothing much i feel like saying
so... one of my shortest posts ever...

'fallen_angel'
9:46 PM

had a very enjoyable night today
met Mitch for dinner at suntec's Marche
said he wanted to treat me to a birthday dinner
so met him at 7.30 and we ate till 10.30
well
not really ate till 10.30
more like chatted till then cos we had our table cleared out even before 9 plus
then we realised that they were closing pretty soon so we left
drove to serangoon gardens to eat dessert
went to this realy nice a cosy ice cream place
and i ate a large waffle all by myself
yum yum
haha
chatted till about 1 am
and only realised the time when the girl came and told us they were closing
only on the car going home, did i realise that i just missed the 1st half of the England-T&T match
horrors!
just prayed that i didnt missed any goals
and as luck may have it,
England was having a tough time before i got home
was barely the 49th minute when i started watching
0-0
all i knew was that Lampard was working really hard, but not getting the results he deserved
Crouch was too lazy a player, who expected to be fed with the ball... never really made the effort to go to the ball. you know how when i used to play netball in SCGS, Mich would always scream at us to run for the ball and not wait for it to drop from the sky? yeah. it's the same thing.
J.Cole was like a mad bull, running about with the ball. going nowhere and getting nothing accomplished
Owen? well, look at ronaldo now and you might see what i mean when he's just a sad shadow of himself
A.Cole...spent too much time running up the flanks unnecessarily... tiring himself out and just barely covering his ass in the left defence. he has to thank Rio Ferdinand for that man.
Robinson was just too bored most of the time and that made him venture out more often thatn he was supposed to just to get a piece of the action pie
and finally, England got what they should have gotten earlier... the first goal...
peter crouch scored from a beauty of a cross from the deadball maestro of the world, Beckham
the second goal...
Gerrard added the 2nd after receiving a well-measured pass from (who else?) David Beckham.
So. WHo still wants to insist that Beckham is a pathetic player? He who single-handedly created all of England's 3 goals in the World cup finals so far?
one has to be fair to this guy...
he has matured stupendously since the previous world cup
as a captain, he no longer vies for attention and recognition with his teammates
in fact, it seems as though he has taken on the role of helping the younger ones
by giving them the passes, giving them the opportunities to launch attacks, and giving them endless encouragements when needed...
he just truly happy to see his teammates score for his country...
and i admire that in him now...
okay. i've ranted on long enough about soccer.
back to my original purpose
the last time i met mitch was like.... more than a year ago
and it felt good catching up
reminded me that i still had friends like him i should take time out to treasure and build a solid friendship with
before, i didnt dare to develop my friendship with these wonderful friends i have for fear to incurring the wrath and jealousy of certain people
but from now on, i'm not gonna let that deter me.
one year of not seeing each other, more than 8 mths of not chatting on the phone even, it's a surprise we chatted like we never missed a beat.
i enjoyed it...
thank you my dear friend...
hope to see ya soon again!
=)
hmm...
quite a messy entry
but what the heck...
i'm sleepy...
and hoping that paraguay can wake up at kill off the Swedes for England.
with 2 wins and 6 points in the bag, it more or less a guarantee of a spot in the round of 16.
but i'm lazy to watch the match
good night, world
i love you all

'fallen_angel'
3:11 AM

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

sigh
who i am,
i know.
so does the people who know me.
i dont even need to pretend in anyway
and once again, i repeat myself -
to whoever out there who doesnt like me, doesnt like what i say, or doesnt believe a word i say:
just one question for you... then what the fuck are you still doing on my blog, reading about me?
here's a friendly advice for you guys... delete this webbie from your 'favorites' list, click on any other links on the 'links' section or just get the hell outta this browser page.
dont wanna see what you dont like? choose not to see it.
dont come after my tail when you made your own choice to see what you dont like.
these entries are really meant for the people who are truly concerned with how i'm doing
the people who want to hear my true feelings through my own words
the people who read to know, not to judge
in fact, the truth be told... these entries are really just meant for MYSELF.
a recording of my life, feelings and thoughts
passages to remind me of lessons i've learnt and
people in my life
hence, the only reason why you are reading it,
is only because i chose to write on a public website
say what you may
but it will never deter me from my style of writing
neither will it stop me from writing about what i really wanna write about
what i write is always inspired from my feelings at the point of writing, what has happened that's important enough to record down as a part of my life and sometimes, attempts to open my heart out to allow people to understand who i really am.
actually, i know that every human being has their own right to judge and perceive based on their own thinking and opinions
so think what you may
but be decent enough to keep your comments to yourself

'fallen_angel'
7:02 PM

gayna nu-er!
haha
a special tribute to you wor...
this year, you're the only one who sang me a birthday song on my birthday itself
i was really surprised
and touched at the same time
thank you so very very much=)

Also the people who did wished me happy birthday,
but only after i posted my post that day
My cousins Sabrina and Regine
My sisters and little rascal brother
and everyone else
you know who you are ;]

and thanks to everyone who expressed your concern
after reading my entries
i hope to say here, that my entries have been posted because i really take this as my diary to voice out my emotions, thoughts and feelings
though there is so much that i am not at liberty to say on the WWW,
there's still a large bit of me revealed... as long as you know how to read between my lines and decipher the true underlying meanings
i never meant to say what i say to gain sympathy from anyone
if there's anything i want the least, sympathy would be it.
i write to vent my frustrations
so what better place to write than my own diary?
yes, i appreciate all of your concern fully cos it makes me feel loved =D
but not sympathy
ever since young, i never wanted it
i've proved myself to be capable of walking out of the darkest shadows, safe and sound
and i will continue proving myself
to all my detractors out there,
hold your tongue, wait and see.

i dont want to react to or comment against vile criticism thrown my way
it's a childish act
i've taken it, digested it, fumed at it and spat it all out
flush it all down the toilet bowl, along with the anger that came with it
for i dont believe i deserve any of that
think what you like but i believe that nobody ever deserves such vile, spiteful comments
no-one ever does
every single being in the world deserves their least bit of respect from others
if not for one point in their character, they do for another
no matter what a person has done,
even God forgives the worst of sins
and where does that leave unforgiving human beings?
getting involved, is merely lowering oneself to that sad level
so, the best way out is to believe in yourself, ignore all unconstructive crap and best of all -
learn to forgive with your heart.
one doesnt need to forget totally
it's good enough to forgive
one doesnt need to accept totally
it's good enough to understand
these are general comments cos i realised that it is getting far too blatant in today's society

'fallen_angel'
12:08 AM

Monday, June 12, 2006

Thank you
and that's for all those out there who remembered my birthday
and bothered to say happy birthday at all
Bel, Rozy, Shawn, Christabel... thanks people =)
and also to people like Luke, Zhi Yang and Justin, who are a part of my past... though i never expected you to remember, you did. so thanks nevertheless...

and of course not forgetting the one person who made me smile at 12 midnight, in spite of the crazy way i was feeling yesterday
if it wasn't for you, i know i would have welcomed my 19th birthday in bed, with tears streaming down my face.
so thank you for making me smile
and forget my troubles for just those few hours

and Tian, thank you too
firstly, thank you for saying happy birthday despite knowing for sure that it's not a happy birthday for me.
secondly, thank you for explicitly saying that i caused you suffering and pain...
it made it all so clear to me
i guess despite the fact that i told you i'm gonna let go, and i told you to let go and not have hopes, you didn't really listen
only when i hardened my tone of voice and finalised it, did it filter into that mind of yours.
so thank you
for everything
memories, both good and bad
lessons, in every sense of the word
just like alot of things in life,
you hate for it to end, but it's still inevitable nevertheless
like people always say, the old has to make way for new and better things to come your way
now, you can put your mind at ease and take up your parents' offer to send you overseas to further your studies
there's no longer me around to burden you
we both have different things to work towards now
you've got your bright future to work towards
i've got to work towards keeping my faltering family together
and if i fail at that, i've got to work towards helping my mum bring my siblings up because she won't be able to do it alone.
our lives are so very different
there's so much that's not meant to be
here's something i read somewhere:
If you love him, let him go.
If he comes back, he's yours.
If he doesn't, he never really was was in the first place.
so all the best to you in all your future endeavours and undertakings
there'll always be a part of my heart that's occupied by you... or rather memories of you...
goodbye dear...
i believe that there's something one can learn from every relationship
i've learnt something from you... i hope you have from me too...
take it with you and keep it somewhere safe in your heart
for it shouldnt be something you can forget so simply

what's a birthday for anyway?
a celebration of life?
maybe
but for this year's birthday,
it shall be spent in solitude
doing my projects
and wishing for the best
a few days ago i remember saying that what i want for my birthday is a holiday
now, thinking about it,
here are my birthday wishes:
that nothing happens to my family
that daddy really will learn and stop behaving like a 20 year old
that the people around me are all safe and sound
that the people who love me will find their happiness soon
that i find my way home eventually...

it's a frightening thought
the thought that i might finally meet with something and never be able to recover from it
the thought that the worse is not here yet
the thought that one day, everything will spin out of my own control and i'll finally break down into a million pieces...
--------------------------------------------
All By Myself (Jamie O'Neal)

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
but when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
I don't wanna live all by myself anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live...
Don't wanna live by myself, by myself anymore...
--------------------------------------------

Forgive

Forgive the sun who didn't shine
The sky had asked her in to dine

Forgive the stars who heard your wish
The moon had prepared their favourite dish

Forgive the rain for its attack
The clouds have tears they can't hold back

Don't hate the birds who are free
Don't envy the things they see

Don't block the wind, but hear its cry
Or else the wind may pass you by

Forgive the earth that never turns
Don't hate the sun, 'cos too much burns

Forgive the storm for it means no harm
Could not resist to show its charm

Life intends to not cause pain
The flowers bloom from all the rain

The storm will come and it will pass
The sun that shines, it grows the grass

The wind it cannot help but cry
The stars at night light up the sky

Forgive the world in which we live
We'll all find peace if we forgive
--------------------------------------------

'fallen_angel'
3:34 PM

Sunday, June 11, 2006

is it true?
that infidelity can be inherited,
and will run in the family?
as much as i hate to believe it,
it seems to be true
in the case of mine at least
and it seems to have broken my lovely family apart finally

my maternal grandma has 3 children
aunt, mummy and uncle
aunt and uncle got divorced a few years back with their spouses
aunt is still the responsible mum to my 3 wonderful cousins
and uncle is still the responsible dad to my other 2 young and vulnerable cousins
now, if things don't change,
mummy will be the 3rd and final child in her family to get a divorce
and when that happens,
the family i have always been proud of for sticking together through hard times,
will be shattered into small, unretrievable fragments of fragile yet possibly lethal glass shards.

and all that, thanks to the man who says he is my father
the man who held the heart of my mother since she was 16, till today's 40 years of age
the man who had the undeniable love of my mother despite his downfall and impregnable ego
the man who has given in to temptations again and again
the man who has had the forgiveness for his mistakes again and again
the man who never learnt how to appreciate all that he truly has to treasure
i wonder if, after saying all that, i can still call him a man
a true man stands up to his mistakes and admits them with honesty
a true man never should let the woman who loves him so despair
and that is a man i hate so much right now... only because i love him as much.

just weeks ago, we were planning a 20th wedding anniversary party for them
it would be on the 16th of January 2007
6 months shy of my 20th birthday
it would be a testament to their love and devotion
it would be one of the brightest moment of our family
and i would probably have been the one giving the first speech as their eldest daughter
as the only child they have that was present at the time of their wedding, albeit without much sensory abilities
today, all i know is that mummy said: "Dont bother with the 20th anniversary. there won't be any"

rudely awakened at 9.17 am
chloe and me stared blurry-eyed at the familiar figure standing at our door
and listened with disbelief as she made the announcement with tears in her eyes and voice lodged in her throat
and at that instant, i knew she meant it
19 years of living with her, i know by heart what she always said to me when anyone in the family quarreled or fought - never say anything in pique, knowing that you wont mean it an hour later. words spoken can never be taken back. harsh things said can mean forever despite the circumstances.
and she always practised what she preached
that's how i know that she means business
and having lived with my father for the past 19 years,
i also know full well what had triggered this avalanche
it was clear to me
walking out of my room to see my little brother sobbing on the living room sofa,
it just broke my heart
he said: "mummy say she dont love me anymore. she say she dont want me anymore"
but i knew she was just really really sad and didn't know who to take it out on
my first thought was whether mummy would walk out on us and leave us alone with a father who doesn't know how to be father
my second thought was how much i hate my father for taking things for granted
and then it dawned on me that i knew deep inside that this day would come sooner or later
all along, i knew what was underneath the facade of my father's dedication act
and i realised that as much as i hate for it to happen, it is inevitable

i'm turning 19 tomorrow
and i know full well what it feels like to be so brutally betrayed by the man you love
though it's incomparable, mine and hers, but i can see it from a woman's point of view
after devoting your entire youth and giving up your dreams for him,
the last thing you need is betrayal
it's unforgivable, what he's done
but what's worse is his point-blank refusal despite evidence against him
i felt like screaming at him, telling him that if he still is a man, he should face it like a man
admit his mistakes and plead for forgiveness
denying just made it disgusting and incorrigible

it came so suddenly... just yesterday we were the model of a happy family
eating dinner at beautiful Chijmes
playing games in the car on the ride back
them both taking my baby brother to taekwondo class and we eating macdonalds while watching the World Cup
what a difference a night can make

then i started hating the inventor of the SMS technology
without it, my father could probably have hidden his 'dirty linen' for the rest of his life
and we would still be the happy family we've always been
then i felt stupid
if my father was smart enough to learn how to say NO, where would those SMSes come from?
i grew up finding excuses for my father
just like how my mother constantly found excuses for him
but this time, we all give up
there's just no point is there?

mummy.
my siblings and father would probably hate me for saying this
but you are indeed still young
and as a woman, you do not have to bear with this humiliation
i could say it is but human to err and you should try giving dad another chance
but i know you have already given him umpteen chances
now, it's the last straw and you should spare a thought for yourself
you can still build a life outside of his
we all know that you are more capable of supporting yourself and us than he is of himself
i just hope you can remember that no matter what new life you build,
the 4 of us will be a permanent feature in it
our father made his mistakes, but we should not be punished
most of our growing up lives saw dad as a ghost
fleeting in and out, as and when he wanted
but you were the only constant in our lives
please stay that way...
if anyone should go, it's not you
it's him
because wherever you go, me and my siblings will follow you
it's easier for him to go, than for all of us
and grandma needs us too
she has literally no one else
her son erred
just like her husband did
but she's still our beloved grandma
this morning, your 4 kids sobbed
but the tears shed were for the complete family we had and wanted
i shed those tears for you as a friend and a girl
not just a daughter
because you've been hurt and seeing that, hurts me like crazy too
i will support your every action
and every step you take, i'll be right behind
i'll do everything it takes to support you...
trust me on that

when chloe looked at me with tear-filled eyes and more streaming down her cheeks,
and said she still wants the 20th anniversary party
that she doesnt want to make a choice
and asked: "is there nothing i can do?"
it broke my heart once again
she has never been in a relationship
she probably cannot really understand matter of the heart yet
but all i could say was that this was between the 2 of them
it's a relationship, love and trust problem
we are mere outsiders
though we are important stakeholders in the relationship,
they are the main players
and it's unfair to keep her in her misery for the sake of us
it's just not fair
and saying all that hurt...
it truly did
especially seeing the helpless look in here eyes

even if things changed and they decide to stay in the marriage,
things will never be the same again
it never will be
i just want the best for mother i love so dearly
i want what makes her happy
i want for her what i want for myself... a love that takes us to the end of our lives with lotsa laughter and happiness... a companion who respects and appreciates us...
if only he can be that person...

tomorrow's my birthday
my 19th birthday
12 June
and this must be the 'greatest' birthday gift of all
a punishment maybe?
for being the one who got them married in the first place
for being the one who made them take the first step into this marriage without a happy ending
i dont know
sure seems like it
why else have all my birthdays so far been disastrous?
why else does trouble appear to celebrate my birthday for me year after year?
i blew off the birthday celebration i was supposed to have with Edna today
i'm sorry sweetie
i just dont have the mood to go anywhere now
let alone be reminded of my birthday
in the first place, i never had the thought of celebrating my birthday this year
too many things have happened
how can i possibly enjoy my birthday, knowing that just weeks ago another soul has been denied of having that chance forever?
and now this...
god
i don't know
Sweetie, i'll make it up to you later this week or next week okay?
call me after you get back from camp alrighty?

life still has to move on
at least now my mind has been taken of my own troubles
or has it?

loneliness
is this what it feels like?
i know
there are people around for me
but where's that crucial figure in my life?
the one i know i can depend on and lean on whatever the storm is that's blazing around me
the warm embrace i so crave from whom should be there to kiss away all my pain and hurt
the significant one who will keep me warm no matter what mistake i've made
the one set of shoulders i need to cry on
i dont think i've ever felt so, so alone in my life

conclusion?
i hate birthdays
especially my own.

'fallen_angel'
1:39 PM

Saturday, June 10, 2006

England 1-0 Paraguay
that's the scoreline of England's first World Cup match earlier this evening
pathetic match
boring
well, the only goal of the match was an own goal.
so, go figure
no burst of brilliance, just pure luck 'cos Paraguay seemed intimidated and held back in the attacks most of the first half
and the Mexican referee officiating the match was plain ridiculous
one can't help but wonder whether he was just trying to impress Fifa with his 'no-nonsense' attitude
it sure pissed me off
slowed the game, made it excruciating to viewers like me and proved that not all who make it to the top are the best.
he obviously had something against Peter Crouch in any case
and that was pretty obvious
he was under 'restraining order' throughout the entire match
not given the opportunity to display his full potential
and what the hell was Eriksson thinking when he brought on Downing at the crucial point when England desperately need players with a thinking head on the pitch to guide them
Downing was obviously out to impress, but failed nevertheless
sprints down the flank without thought for fellow teammates
passing skills that made it seemed like his job was to hand over possession to the opposition
that being said, almost everyone was off-form
A.Cole, was just sad to watch
J.Cole, was active but not productive in any way
Gerrard just seemed to have his heart somewhere else. just not on the pitch in Frankfurt.
Lampard impressed though... his efforts were not rewarded only because he was up against an old substitute goalkeeper, who have not had much opportunities to prove himself before he had to replace the injured first-choice
Beckham was not as omni-present as he should and have been.
The backline held the fort in one safe piece and that should be applauded
i just hope to see more brilliance, more enthusiasm and less 'take-the-safe-route' tactics (like sit back and hold the backline after you take the lead. that's just sad. that's not what football should be like)
sorry folks
i've always been a soccer enthusiast who cannot stop once i begin dissecting my opinions of a match
shall stop now =p

had dinner with mum, dad, drago, chantal and chloe this evening at Chijmes
was intended to celebrate my birthday
but well, it was just a normal meal
without any mention of it being a birthday celebration
Gyu-Niku at Chijmes
Japanese table bbq
food was rather not bad
service was great
prices were steep
all in all, it was just average

tomorrow
gonna meet Edna tomorrow
finally!
can't wait for the long-awaited bitching session
and she so cute...
ask me whether i'll be wearing heels or flats
hmm
i'll wear flats =D
and don't worry, i won't wear a skirt too...
apparently, we'll have to sit on the floor at Essential Brew
so... thanks for telling me before hand sweetie!

i guess my previous posts created some doubts for you
and i guess i'm also right when i said that there are in fact people talking behind my back despite you telling me that i was just being suspicious of people around
but you know what?
i don't wanna know
and i don't really wanna care
and what's more,
does it matter whether or not i clarify if i love you or hate you?
what does it change?
how will it affect anything?
i have always maintained that i love you, and that i'll never be able to hate you
i might resent what has happened
i might resent how things have turned out with you
i might resent some things you do
but i wont ever hate you
so there you go...
the clarification you seem to need
and in case you dont already know, i made up my mind a long long time ago
about alot of things
for me to know and for you to find out

------------------------------------
An Angel Smiled

Today while I was lonely
and felt myself near tears
I thought I heard a gentle voice
whisper in my ears

The words were ones of comfort
but what, I do not know

They left me feeling better
and my spirits higher though

So as I walked along
on this suddenly bright day
I knew my heart had lightened
'cause an Angel smiled today
-----------------------------------

'fallen_angel'
8:48 PM

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Way You Look Tonight

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

You're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
---------------------------------

Sway

When marimba rhythms start to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
----------------------------------

'fallen_angel'
8:41 PM

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

OB paper yesterday was pretty ok
no problem passing probably, just a matter of how well i can pass
oh well
no point worryng

thanks to my darlings, i enjoyed my day greatly
first, thanks to Sher for giving me my birthday present
albeit a little early but i'm very happy, nonetheless...
Sher, Bel, Cal, Tat, Drey
thanks to the 5 of you who sent me birthday wishes in the lovely little notebook...
short, but thoughtful
i really appreciate it
thanks again =)

Went to town to watch The Omen with Rozy
we wanted to try out the new The Cathay cinemas at dhoby ghaut
despite the rather 'unfinished' exterior and empty shop units,
it's amazing how crowded the cinemas are
the cinema i was in, was packed to the brim
even the first rows were filled
i felt the show was over-rated
seriously over-rated
the ending was like a major anti-climax and it ended so abruptly
disappointing
and maybe it's cos the building is new, the theatre was freezing cold
i had my shawl and i was still freezing...
poor sayang didnt even have her jacket with her

before the show started, we were chilling at Mac's at PS
it was the most relaxing time i've had in a long long time
major bitching and chatting
i enjoyed myself thoroughly with you =)
*muackz*

----------------------------------
Home (by Michael Buble)

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I'vegot to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
---------------------------------
above,
are the lyrics of the song Home by Michael Buble
heard the song in the theatre before the show started yesterday
touched a chord somewhere deep in my heart
read between the lines and you might just see what i mean
and everytime i hear that song now, i'd think of the band at Long Bar
Sunny sings the song every night,
and he's great at it.
makes me miss the days working at that place
sigh
and it makes it miss you more
like they always say: Home is where the heart belongs.
is it true?
i don't know...
sigh

i wanna go home... to where my heart belongs...

'fallen_angel'
11:53 PM

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

" Wounds need to grow scabs before they can even start to heal."
so i tell myself,
what's the point of peeling off newly-developed scabs?
you'll just be leaving your wounds wide open,
letting it hurt even more.
it'll only take much longer to heal.
don't read too much in this.
it's just meant to remind us all that one should never say "never"
it is indeed possible to heal.
as long as you give yourself a chance
choosing to ignore the source or cause of your pain, is the first step and the most lethal weapon to your destructive downfall.
choosing to turn away help or close off your world from what's out there, is the next step to the continuous downward spiral of self-destruction
that opening phrase in quotes, is something i got from a TV drama and it struck a chord deep in my heart... so people, stop saying that TV is useless... you can gain the right things from the right shows =)

seeing my sayang Rozy today was just the boost i needed...
to her, i could speak my heart and say all that i feel
" thank you for understanding me, sayang. thank you for not judging me and just being there. when it comes to my heart and where it truly lies, no-one knows better than you. so, thank you for pointing it out to me once again... i'll work towards not letting you down anymore. bless you and your happiness. you so deserve it all =) "
then seeing my darlings bel and sher, made my day further... thank you girls!

i've got an organisational behaviour exam tomorrow and i hope i'll get through it cos... i've barely studied. just can't get my heart down to it. sigh
bless me
pray for me
plus, this module is really really boring.
it's probably cos i've taken an introduction to psychology subject before
and the concepts i'm studying in OB now are just so similar
sigh sigh sigh
i'll be sacrificing my sleep tonight
so... i hope the past week of constant sleeping comes to good use tonight...

i got one wish for my upcoming birthday...
i want a holiday!
anywhere... just as long as it's outta S'pore
sigh
but, financial constraints make it seem all impossible
grrrr....
oh well
i'll just have to make do with home sweet home.

below, are some stuff that puts into beautiful words how i feel about certain things...
and yesterday's post has some entries of these "poetry" as well...
hope it says more than i can ever say myself...
----------------------------------
Although we have to be apart,
We'll always be together,
Close enough in mind and heart
To manage any weather.

Reality is often bleak,
But love remains inside
A glass house on a mountain peak,
The wintry world beside.

Love can build its own four walls
And heat its own small room.
Through icy winds and blinding squalls,
Love can be in bloom.

Though continents drift far downstream
And mountains disappear,
And life dissolve into a dream,
Our love will still be here,
You'll turn, and I'll be here.
---------------------------------
I wish that I could be with you
And hold you in my arms,
Whisper all my love to you
And kiss away your tears.

I wish that I could take your cares
And put them all away,
Neatly folded into drawers
While pleasure lights your smile.

I wish that joy could step inside
Your heart and stay awhile,
And all the rain could turn into
A rainbow in the sun.

And all our loneliness like mist
Could fade into the blue,
A memory of sad, hard times
That happened long ago.

But I cannot come home right now,
And you cannot come here;
And so our dreams must be the fields
On which we laugh and play.

If life cannot be what we want,
It will, it will be so;
For love can turn the harshest light
To gold through sheer affection.
----------------------------------
If you loved me, you'd be there for me
To help me do the things I want to do.
My whole life wouldn't be only for you,
Nor would my love determine who you'd be.

I want you to respect what I do well,
To share the joy I feel when I succeed,
To give me the encouragement I need,
To be my wings, not my protective shell.

I love you, and I want you to be mine,
But I would never say you're not allowed
To be a person who would make me proud,
To step outside into your own sunshine.

'fallen_angel'
5:41 PM

Monday, June 05, 2006

"People judge but we must always ignore. For we live for ourselves and those who love us. These are the people who will always accept us for who we are and hold our hands to guide us through our darkest days."

I received an email last night at about 1.30 am
and the above are the few sentences that brought tears to my shadowed peepers
the email, was from Edna.
and i dont even know how to start saying how much that short note meant to me
someone cares for me truly from the bottom of her heart
i cant even remember the last time i saw her
but the memories we share are so deeply engraved in my heart
how much truer can those words be?
what is the point of living your life for people who judge you and cannot accept you as who you are? people change. and if they cannot accept your changes and walk through those tough and confused times with you, they are just not worth it.
thank you, sweetheart
for pointing that out to me...
i've said this before, and i'm gonna say it again...
you're one of the best gifts i can ever wish for... heaven-sent.
i dont care what kinda person you are... cos i just know that you are exactly who you are and that you'll still be the true friend i can count on.
thank you...

over the weekend, i've been talking to a truly treasured person...
and i can only say that your words and your being there, is the timely enlightenment i need
it reminded me that there is really someone who can accept, understand and support me for who i am.
it made clear to me that if i broke down and gave up, i won't be letting down just myself
it told me that i should live my life for someone like you, whom loves me refuses to judge or let go... whom treasures and cherishes me as a person...
thank you...

--------------------------------------------
Love is never easy, but
It turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstance
That love cannot transform.

There is no weary moment
Of anger or despair
That love cannot convert to grace
And render whole and fair.

How passionate the paradise
That comes from knowing well
That someone in your happiness
Finds pleasure for himself.

How sweet the gift of giving to
Someone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.

With all the searing madness of
The world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness that
No joy can take away,

There is one truth more beautiful
Than anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.
--------------------------------------------
Thank you for staying in my life.
How could I have ushered you away?
Another person might have made me pay,
Needing the sweet vengeance of my grief.
Kindness is in everything you do.
You must love me very much to stay.
Often now, some moment of each day,
Unbidden, I am grateful I have you.
--------------------------------------------
The more I am away from you,
The more I want you here.
The more I do without your love,
The more I want you near.

I know that it makes little sense
To want what's not around,
But there's just one true love for me
And that's the one I've found.

We've gone through all the weather maps,
The sunshine and the rain,
But I would take a sea of storms
To be with you again.
---------------------------------------------
today, i am gonna finally get down to studying.
spending the entire week resting in bed and letting my mind wander to crazy thoughts
it's enough
if i wanna work for that schloarship i so want and need, i've gotta buck up.
right?
so,
it's time to pray and hope for the miracle i need
but before i start, is there anyone i can copy my notes from? hmm... i'll see ;)

'fallen_angel'
3:19 PM

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I feel like a brand new person
After a whole week of gloom, unhappiness and hurting,
i realised, perhaps a little belatedly, that it's high time i woke up from my disillusioned state of mind
for so many years, i've been seeing myself as a worthless soul
but now, i've finally found my self-confidence
things happened in the past for a reason and i believe that reason is for me to grow up and know what life is really about
i told myself a few days back that from now on, i shall strive hard
strive hard for my dreams
strive hard for my goals
strive hard for what i want in my life
strive hard to not let anyone else put me down
strive hard not to let people judge me for what i did and who i have been
and strive hard to be whom i love, to be the person i want to be
mistakes were made
prices were paid
hopes were shattered
much had been sacrificed
but it's all a part of life... something i have to go through, to be who i should be in the future
maybe i've been trying far too hard to convince myself that i'm that person... that person whom i never would become
i've learnt my lesson now
the most painful lesson that any woman can ever go through
but life still goes on
people have been hurt
and i have so much regrets
but life leaves no rooms for regrets huh?
the clock keeps ticking, the world keeps turning, and i'll keep growing
for now, all i wanna do is to build back the life i should have
take that first step to independence
and find the love that truly belongs to me... and only me
if you read this and you know that i'm referring to you, good
but i can only hope
i have that target locked in my mind and my sight
but i pray only for the strength to reach for it
it's gonna be a rocky ride... a tough and long journey
my only reward would be that in the end, my attempt wont be a futile one

'fallen_angel'
8:32 PM