everybody deserves to be loved

2007-01-03T22:44:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

If you are still here, I have to explain that the period of time when my blog was unreachable, it was due to a technical fault by blogger.
hence, i have created a new space for myself

www.i-am-cleopatra.blogspot.com

i hope that with a new blog, a new fresher layout and a new year,
my life will no longer be as dark as this one you are reading now.
as my friends, i am inviting all of you to continue to be a part of my life.
this blog will remain an important part of my memories forever...
but i hope the new space will bring me happiness like this one didn't.

thank you...

2006-11-19T18:31:00.000+08:00

I rest my case.

2006-11-18T21:06:00.000+08:00

why must there be so much pain and hatred in this world?
i can see why you are upset.
but i have to say this - you havent been replaced. and you never will be.
i'm lying if i say that i can forget you or replace you.
it's impossible.
so what if i'm dating again?
does that mean i'm in love again or happy?
no.
so not.
i'm just seeking company to absolve my loneliness.

dad's in depression now.
undergoing counselling and on medication.
you know how it feels for me?
you know how horrible it is to hear your dad speak of suicide?
everyday i live on the edge of insanity and fear.
because i dunno when everything in my life will fall apart.
it doesnt help that i'm so so occupied by attachment that i cant even remember the last time i had a proper dinner and conversaton with my family.
no matter what my dad has done in the past, he is still my dad.
i still love him.
i'm so so lost and i dunno what to do.

you remember why you broke up with me?
the root of it is that you felt i dont make enough effort to spend time with you.
now, can you see that it's not just you? my family is suffering too.
and do i have a choice?
no i dont.
if i had one, i'll never neglect my family. and you should know how important my family is to me.
i dont even know if you're reading this, but i still have to say it.
you know why i started dating again?
because i got sick and tired of drowning myself in alcohol night after night after night..
which was what i did the week after we broke up.
it was my only other alternative.
say what you may like.

like you said in your own blog, you wont wish me happiness and you wont give me your blessings. i hope you're happy now that i'm not getting a single ounce of happiness in every single aspect of my life.

so what if i'm dating again?
i still cry myself to sleep every other night.
and i only knew about my dad's depression a few days ago.
via email.
because my mum couldnt find a way to speak to me besides my email.
cos she knows i check it for work regularly.
and to think we stay in the same house. in the same small small house.
you have any idea how patheticc that feels?
and i cannot even take a day's break... cos LO warned me that if i take another day of MC, i'll have to re-do my entire SIP. retarded.
so what do i do now?
continue.
and pray hard that god gives me enough time to make it all up to my family when SIP ends.
i'm living on borrowed time now.
and i wish so hard, that i have enough of it.

why isnt anyone there?
why doesnt anyone care?
why is there no understanding in this world or in my life?

what am i to do now???
so much pain, so much hurt, so much anger, so much confusion...
so lost...

2006-11-11T20:00:00.000+08:00

and yes... i still do read your space. all the time.
i'm glad you now enjoy my habit of reading alone at starbucks.
i still do, you know...
take care of yourself...
and i'm really proud of you, and happy for you... for all the successes and great times you're having at work...
glad you took the advice to try new things... you've really gained from it...
really really happy for you...
all the best...

so much that wants to be said... but also so much that no longer needs to be said... it's all said and done, ain't it?

2006-11-11T19:37:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile...

Firstly,
the reason why i seemed to have disappeared from the face of earth for so long is due to a few factors:
#1 - Attachment at TT is so torturing, time-consuming and energy-sapping. for example, yesterday i was on the afternoon shift and worked till 10plus. then was forced to go for the irritating DnD at Hilton Hotel until 12plus. it was a waste of time and i truly didn't see an enjoyment in it. It would be ok, except for the fact that this morning, i had to be at work at 7am. which means if i go home and sleep, i need to wake up at 4.30am. which will leave me with barely 2 to 3 hours. i didn't dare to sleep, cos i know i'd definitely not be able to get up. so, hanged around in orchard throughout the night. so as of now, i've gone about 30-odd hours without sleep. and i feel like a walking zombie.

#2 - back to modeling. done a few days of modeling for OSIM's new product... awfully good money but it's not dependable. been shuttling around for auditions and castings with some near successes but still lacking the last stroke of luck.

#3 - FBMA youth arm... time-consuming and it's a heavy responsibility. i know i will relish the responsibility. i just need to get used to it...

#4 - still helping my manager at TT deal with some of his workload from the ARDE Singapore. should be over soon... hopefully.

#5 - as some people would have already seen, i'm back in the dating field. so yes, i'm not gonna hide the fact that i've bounced back from heartbreak and as always, i believe strongly in light at the end of the tunnel still... think what you may think about me and say what you may say. all i have to say is - my uncanny ability to bounce back from my losses and stand up stronger has led me thus far all these years. and this ability does not make me less of a woman than i am. whatever impression you may draw, it's your impression afterall. no, i havent forgotten the past, and neither have i forgotten you or him. no way will i forget. i have merely chosen to give myself a chance... and put the keys to my happiness in my own hands instead of anyone else's. if this doesnt make sense to you, dont bother trying to figure it out. cos it's likely that you never will...

all i know now,
is that i need sleep.
desperately.
once upon a time,
i could go without sleep for 72hours on end,
work 17hour shifts for 3 to 4 days in a row,
and not feel the tug of weariness.
but i can't now.
i wonder if it because i'm growing old,
or it's merely cos i'm not enjoying my job?
wonder wonder wonder.

it's was great to see familiar faces along the streets... especially GAYNA! nu-er! getting prettier and prettier by the day... i saw the puzzled look in your eyes and i promise i'll explain it to you when we get the chance yeah? =) oh and you take care too...

Gavin, Shawn, Joce and gang!
KTV!!!!
i want my kopitiam sessionsssssssssssss toooooo...........
i'm dying from cold turkey...
and i truly truly miss you people...
take care and dont work too hard wor.....

good night...
i'll try to be back as soon as i can.

2006-10-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

I'm a Porsche 911!

You have a classic style, but you're up-to-date with the latest technology. You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win. Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite,and you know it.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Haha! that's me.
what say you?

2006-10-14T01:17:00.000+08:00

i'm tired,
i'm still trying very hard to recover from my illness,
i'm stressed out,
i'm losing my battle with sanity,
i'm falling back into a self-destructive rut,
i'm beginning to hate myself again.

i wanna blog because i just watched World Trade Center.
but i'm really not in the right state of mind now.
abit groggy from no sleep, work, permanently putting on a mask.
just a word of advice: dont waste money on the show. go watch if you just wanna find a legitimate reason for crying in public. dont watch if you're thinking of Titanic. download, or wait for dvd/vcd. mark my words.

i need to sleep.
badly.
even after my dad's valium, i still cant sleep.
there's something wrong with me.
i'm supposed to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere, no matter what happens.
wish me luck.

2006-10-09T20:06:00.000+08:00

i feel horrible.
my whole body's weak and aching.
my head is spinning.
my nose is leaking.
i had no choice but to take MC today from work.
i woke up and went to work in the morning... going against the wishes of my body.
in the end, i was feeling so so very terrible that i felt like fainting while delivering newspapers.
after working for 2 hours, i had no choice but to go home.
wasted my time waking up so early.
grrr....
so i'm using the first of my 2 days MC.
and i think the virus is working its way down to my stomach to gimme a stomach flu.
i can feel it already.
i might have to take tmw off too...
sigh...
this sucks.
i hate SIP.
should i or should i not?
if i go to work, i'm just afraid i wont get enough rest and i wont recover.
but if i dont go to work, it means another day of MC.
shit.
how?
how?
how?

i'm all groggy from the medication.
going to bed now...
bye all...

so they say...
good luck, fortune and happiness never fails to shun my way...
misfortune and unhappiness finds me wherever i go, whatever i do.

i miss you.

2006-10-08T20:17:00.000+08:00

i'm sick.
fever, sore throat, runny nose, headache, etc.
and i'm quite sure that the main culprit is the freaking haze that's clouding our lives.
last night i went drinking again.
and i think my alcohol tolerance level has risen quite abit... drinking more than usual, i didnt get as woozy as i usually would.
but what i wanted to say was the the haze outdoors was worse than the haze in the pub, where people are smoking everywhere in an air-conditioned place.
wadehell lar.
and my sensitive nose just gave way and i woke up with all that i mentioned above.
wanted to take MC... but couldnt bear to waste my only 2 days of entitlement cos i'm sure i'll need more over the next four months.
sigh...
my head is spinning now...
and i still have to work morning shift tmw.

i need to sleep.
surviving on 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night is not good.
it's beginning to take its toll on me and on everything i do.
but i cant seem to sleep when i need to.
i fall asleep while trying to read emails at work.
i fall asleep during my meal breaks while eating.
i fall asleep on the bus and MRT.
i fall asleep in the car.
but the moment i lie in bed, when the lights are off and the night is quiet,
i cant sleep.
i close my eyes and i start dreaming even before i fall asleep.
and i find myself awake soon after.
i dunno why that is so...
too many messy thoughts in my mind maybe.

to everyone who's wondering what happened,
you can ask me if you really wanna know.
i'll tell you the facts and as for everything else, its up to you to decide.
the difference between now and before, is that i no longer want to be put within risk of being given an ultimatum of 15 minutes to delete my entries again.
and i no longer wanna be accused of victimising others and making myself seem like the poor thing in the story.
whatever happened, happened for a reason.
and in everything that happens between 2 people takes 2 hands to clap.
i'll stop here.
the more i go on, the higher the risks.

i'm still in pain but i'll recover.
maybe not completely, but i will.
i have to.
cos i cannot let the past repeat itself.

take care everyone...
i miss you all...

2006-10-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

Conclusion: Getting pissed drunk 3 days in a row is not good.
not good for your physical health and neither is it good for your mental wellness.
The usually nice to everyone at work me started snapping at people who got on my nerves early in the morning.
And this morning, I was late for work. AGAIN.
2nd time!
I've never had the habit of being late for work. More often than not, I'm early.
Idiot.
Serves me right for downing Martell till 12plus last night though I was supposed to wake up at 4.30am.
Today at work, I found myself with more responsibilities than usual.
And by right, I shouldn't have any problems handling them.
Sigh.
And when Rose called me while I was paying for my retail therapy,
to ask me about some envelope that she swears she saw me holding,
i blanked out.
"envelope? what envelope? i dunno... i have no impression of myself holding the envelope. i swear!"
I ended up getting scolded by her but i really dunno!
I'm still thinking if she's right or she made a mistake.
shit.
sigh.
my heads all light and heavy at the same time.
the only thing i can be glad of is that i go drinking with my dearest cousin so i know there's always someone to take care of me and i know i'll never do foolish things once i get drunk.
better still, my dad sponsors my Martell and Chivas!
haha... indirectly lar...

Anyway,
I indulged in a little bit of retail therapy this afternoon while waiting for my mum to end work so she can send me home.
Did I mention that she's joined a new company and her office is in Shaw Centre? Haha... yeah.
went into Zara and just took whatever caught my eye.
so satisfying.
i haven't shopped decently for more than half a year!
goodness...
anyway, i was so excited that i mistakenly took a pair of leggings that are too small for my thunder thighs.
-_-"
yeah so... i have to go back and exchange tomorrow.
maybe get one more item.
today didn't have much time.
but i have to keep reminding myself that i have limited pay.
like SUPER UBER limited. this latest paycheck? $307.
like... WTF?
so yeah.

i guess now i have time to go work part-time?
no other commitments except for internship.
if people like Jovi can still work at Waraku despite internship,
i guess i can too.
at least with a part-time job to occupy my nights, i wont have the time and energy to think too much, much less get mself pissed-drunk at a place my dad frequents like his 2nd home.
so yeah.
i'll still think about it.
i think i still have Lawrence's number.
hmmm...
maybe some other place that isnt so strict to their staff... somewhere i can drink and enjoy on the job.
maybe... maybe...

yesterday was our first FBMA youth arm meeting.
at Conrad Hotel.
So now, I'm officially the PR Manager.
sounds great huh?
I feel up to the challenge, and I hope I don't let myself down.
At least I'm working in line with my goals to go into Communications.
Though my first love would still be journalism, i guess i wouldn't wanna study it.
get what i mean?
i need a career that i can satisfy myself with. Journalism can be a hobby.
oh well.
and... F&B will be my first platform. because it is where i know i can definitely excel in. it is where i know i have the knowledge and expertise in. one step at a time. in terms of life and career, i'm still very young and tender.
and my assistants? Sherry and DreY!
haha...
PR is gonna be a freaking havoc department.
happening sia
haha...
i hope we'll work well together with passion and commitment. The exact same ingredients needed to succeed in the F&B industry.
i've thought of our directions and goals already so it's a good start i guess.

i want to turn back time.
i want to forget the present.
i wanna un-do all the happiness i've caused myself and others.
i wanna un-do everything i've done to hurt myself and my loved ones.
will i ever get a chance?
if i do, will i take it?

i wanna go on a long long holiday.
alone and peacefully.
i think i lost myself somewhere along the past 3 years...
i need to search for the true me.
i wanna travel to places like Eqypt, New Zealand, Australia, Switzerland, Italy, France, etc...
i need a sponsor who's willing to gimme the money but at the same time dont want to travel with me.
hahaha...
like so impossible.

Walking in Zara with its winter collection,
i dream of a white christmas in somewhere like Japan or London.
it's been a long time since i first had this dream.
and i still have it.
it burns within me and its like a flame that grows bigger and stronger as the years pass by.

now i need to go sleep early.
cos tmw early morning have to go SIR building with granny...
probably gonna need a sleeping pill but yeah...
good night all...

2006-10-03T02:14:00.000+08:00

i realised once again today that drinking doesnt solve a thing.
it only succeeds in giving me a champion hangover and brings me tears.

i walked away because it's all i could do then.
i knew i'd lose all my courage if i turned back.
it hurt so bloody much to walk away...
but i had to.
i love you so... and hence i'm letting you go.
you want it, we'll do it. your way.

good night.
i'm going to bed to nurse the head and the heart.

2006-10-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

i was 1 whole damned hour late for work this morning.
supposed to be at work before 7.30am and guess what time i woke up?
7.20
all because i turned off my alarm instead of snoozed it.
had to stay till 4.30 hence.
irritating.
and Mr. Dantin bought us Haagen-dazs ice cream!
haha...
so I had haagen-daz and mac's for lunch.
yum~!
haha...
he's so sweet =)
just the other day Komoda-san bought us haagen-dazs too.
i guess having a shop opposite us is quite a fortunate thing too huh?
finally had a chance to have dinner with my family too...
not very nice ah... cos dad has the habit of trying new kopitiams.
haha...
but i'm craving bak kut teh.
shit.
i can never lose my craving unless i satisfy it.
i wonder how long it'll take.
haha...

from today onwards, i got mostly morning shifts so i hope this means i get my life back.
even if it's only for awhile.
and since i just got my pay,
k-box anyone?
hurry hurry!
i need my kakis to satisfy my other craving.

i got more cravings.
most immediate one would be my bed, pillow and comfy blanket.
so i shall go about satisfying it now...

i crave you. when will i get my satisfaction?

2006-09-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

i wanna blog. but i'm so dead tired. and i so desperately want a life now. no ktv-ing, no drinking with cousin, no slacking at home, no spending time with boyfriend. argh. it's getting on my nerves. i can feel myself getting more and more frazzled by the day. it's affecting my mood. and even my colleagues can tell. that's when i'm smiling like my life depended on it to everyone at work. sigh. i need to get away. a hoilday. Mr. Pitman thanks me for introducing the best golf courses in Batam to him. he's going to 2 of them over the weekend and teased me about it - "wanna join me? then you can find out whether you make god recommendations!" i wanna go! but of course not with him. and of course i cant. i'm on SIP. it's like being in jail. sigh. plus Mr. Pitman's a regular Don Juan, bringing different girls back to is apartment every other day. haha. random. gtg. nights!

2006-09-28T19:40:00.000+08:00

F&BMA dinner and dance last night was a blast!
it's way better than SCC's.
haha.
serious.
no offence but it's true!
i swear...
Great planning, fantastic emcee, pretty good food, nice people, etc.
the F&BMA youth arm was also officially launched and it was well-received.
there will be a meeting next wednesday to finalise the positions of the main and sub committees.
apparently, i'm dead-set as the head of membership already.
and i guess it's fine by me...
it's where i have the most experience in...
hmm...
it was a great occasion for networking and having fun.
met the who's who of the local F&B industry, won a sausage-eating competition (it's true!!!), and won my first ever D&D lucky draw prize in my life.
i think this weekend have to go and buy 4D already.
haha...

today,
i found out that my manager and TT's a committee member of the ARDE Singapore.
and that's the people i was in charge of serving when they had a gathering at Pan Pacific's Summerhouse last year... i remember serving Mr Revi Nair.
haha...
but i cannot recall ever seeing my manager there.
oh well.
anyway,
he gave me a side-job to do.
to call every hotel in his list and verify the general manager's names... then compile and send out emails to them...
sounds damn simple right?
haha... he's gonna pay me $100.
wee~!
haha...
and he asked me whether wanna work part-time at the cafe at TT. he'll pay me $7 per hour.
wadehell!? that's way above the industry average for cafes.
haha...
but i told him i'll consider... cos they dont seem to take the F&B part of the business very seriously. but i'm the sort that take F&B damn bloody seriously if i have to work there.
so yeah... still considering.
plus i dunno if i wanna OT in TT longer than i already have to everyday.
despite the fact that i'll be paid. it's a totally different thing altogether.
is it?
hmm...
i'll keep thinking.

and i got my PMS password!!
though the system we use at TT is slightly different from the "idiot-proof" FIdelio software we learn in Lodging Systems and Operation.
Epitome is so much more of a hassle but interesting to learn about anyway.
though my password only allows access into the query database and i wont be allowed to use it to do posting and make changes, i believe it's still rather early... my chance will come.
i'll be patient... i have to be.

anyway
i'm so tired.
i slept barely 4 hours last night and had to go to work.
supposed to end at 3, we ended up leaving only at 4.30.
grrr....
some training thingy.
i was barely awake already... dozing off...
i think i'm gonna go sleep in awhile, as soon as i'm done with this post...

i know why i'm addicted to Nora Roberts already...
it's because of the way she describes and portrays her characters when they're so crazily and deeply in love that they know it's where their destiny lies the moment they lay eyes on each other.
i immerse myself in their worlds and find myself lost when i read "The End".
i'm not ashamed to say that.
though most will tell me it's fiction and i'm just dreaming... i will still say i believe it exists and it's waiting somewhere. maybe i've found it, and just havent realised it. and maybe i've lost it and it's gone forever.
i don't really know it myself...
last night, i woke up in the middle of the night and couldnt shake this thought off my mind: "do i really know myself? is this how i wanna be for the rest of my life? maybe i should drop everything i have now, travel and seek out the true Cleo.
it will be the unrealistic me. but then again, i dont think i am a realistic person through and through.

i'm still a dreamer and a seeker.

and i miss you. crazily. do you?

2006-09-23T23:04:00.000+08:00

today's mummy's birthday...
"Happy birthday, mum!"
i gave her the gift i got her this morning.
and dad got his birthday gift a little early too.
it was a set of identical rings.
simple, elegant and engraved with "Mummy" and "Daddy"
i hope this reminds them that they are not only husband and wife, they are also parents to the 4 of us.
i purchased the rings and did the engraving without knowing their ring sizes.
so up till this morning, i was still sweating about whether it will fit them.
and the great thing is that mum's one fit perfectly, and dad's was a little loose for him but it was still fine.
i'm so glad and relieved.
another reason i got them the rings is because i know that they sold of their wedding bands to pay off debts so they don't have anything that symbolises their union with one another.
they were happy with the gift they got...
and my worries that they wont like it were unfounded.
mummy loved it!
and they both wore them the whole day.
wee~!
haha...
i'm so proud of myself.

changing a topic...
i thought i would lose weight working at TT since staff meals are not provided and the walk from the MRT to work everyday is crazy.
but alas,
i'm putting on weight.
cos i'm snacking instead of eating proper meals.
cup noodles, oreos, McChicken burgers and crap like that.
every single day.
i'm not only growing fat,
i'm going to fall sick soon.
grrr....

every single colleague that works with me asks me the same question at least once:
"why did you choose TT?"
haha...
and all i say is: i already regret my choice. so yeah. too bad. i just have to make the most out of it. i wanted a change in environment, but now i plead temporary insanity for my choice at that time. sigh. oh well.
i have to stop grumbling...

night shift tmw... means i cant watch Singapore Idol finals.
Hady and Jonathan!!!
i love them both.
Jonathan's got this fantastically seductive sexy voice. even when he's talking. and his small beady eyes.... oh so sexy. haha... i like guys with small beady eyes. ever since Hidetoshi Nakata came into my life =)
Hady... he's the understated kinda guy. not showy, but so so charming. haha... can Mediacorp make an exception? let them BOTH win it!
hahaha... i must be dreaming.
i need kind creatures to record for me...
but then again, i got no video player. also cannot watch. bleah.
too bad then.

and i'm missing ANTM every week!
goodness...
and not to mention Project Runway's new season.
F***.
i hate working night shift.
now you know why i say i got no life?

Gavin, Shawn, Joce and gang.... i miss each and every one of you!
i need my dose of KTV soon if not i'm gonna go bonkers!
argh...
haha...
now's like cold turkey for me... and i know i'm not gonna survive if it goes on...
sigh.

as for my boyfriend,
like you said you always tell people...
"we're not fine. we're just having a truce."
so i guess now it depends on how long the truce will last this time round.
a long long time i hope...
love you darling...
i still hope it's the best thing that can happen to both of us.

and i miss you. so much.

2006-09-20T19:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, my first off-day.
I feel like I've waited my whole life for it.
And as much as I'm very lazy to be here typing,
I know I need to...

first of all,
miss me?
muahaha...
i know i miss everyone in my life.
i feel like a bloody no-lifer.
afternoon shift is stupid.
i wake up in time to go to work, end work and go back home to sleep.
the cycle repeats itself the next day.
over and over again.
i can't wait for morning shift.
though it means i have to wake up early,
i think i rather have most of the day to myself than to let the days roll by meaninglessly.

anyway,
work is.... indescribable.
first few days, it sucked like hell.
i hated the feeling of inadequacy in the face of the experienced 'seniors' there.
especially when i realised most of the job encompasses the need to know most of the tenants well enough to know their daily routine, their apartment number off-hand, their habits, their pet-peeves, their children and etc...
it was so intimidating.
so i dreaded going to work.
and becasue we were trainees there,
we were given rubbish jobs to do...
deliver mails to apartments, deliver faxes, send up parcels and packages, call for taxis, arrange for wake-up calls and newspaper delivery, count stamps, and crap like that.
i understand that it is part and parcel of the job...
but it's like.... crazy... we're in heels and constipating courtshoes. and we have to walk round and round the estate.
mind you, it's not like a hotel where it's high-rised but within a small area.
220 APARTMENTS. spread over 4 floors only.
imagine the area we need to cover.
grrr...
and no staff meals provided means dinner consists of usually oreo cookies and cup noodles.
yay. super 'healthy' eh?
oh well.

but as the week passed by,
i've picked up a hell lot.
and today, i can safely say that i am familiar with some of the guests we have in-house.
the nice ones, the handsome ones, the pretty ones, the nasty ones, the crazy ones, the ones with the really cute and adorable children.
and i've got the hang of the way things work around there.
i believe i'm progresing fast enough and i hope that manager will trust me with a password to the PMS soon...
then i can be of some help to my over-worked colleagues.
the atmosphere there is very friendly and comfortable...
and i guess it's good...
not much politics... i hope it remains that way.
but i hope i get to try out other aspects of the business there soon...
i dont wanna be stuck in guest services for the entire period.
hmmm...

well,
today's off-day was ok...
not entirely relaxing cos i went out to meet my boyfriend...
happy to see him after so many days...
we went shopping for his sandals and he ended up with crocs.
grrr... i still hate crocs.
sorry... biased...
then got birthday gifts for mum and dad.
mum's bday is this saturday and dad's will be next thursday....
i'll reveal the gifts on saturday...
but i'm so happy that i got what i got...
i'm so excited about giving them to mummy and daddy...
hope they wont find it too cheap...
*prays fervently*
while waiting for the gifts to be ready,
we went to have haagen-dazs....
finally satisfied my craving!
yum...
thanks dear...
for everything...
was supposed to go to dear's house to chill but i wasnt feeling very well...
giddy... so to prevent embarassing fainting spells that i'm prone to, i decided to head home...
anyway, my grandma was so happy to see me home for dinner...
then it occurred to me that this is the first time in more than 1 week that i'm having her cooking for dinner...
i'm glad i'm home...

sorry dear...
i know you were disappointed that i couldnt go to your place...
cant help it...
it was like home was calling out to me...
and i miss dinner with my family too...
hope you understand...
i'll cya another day ah...
i promise i'll make an effort...

i'm like so super shagged out every single day...
and for what i wonder?
$500 bucks?
that's pathetic...
i want january to come faster...
i wanna get outta there...
i have to keep considering my part-time job possibility...
sigh...
i already have solid plans for next year... once i graduate from TP.
i cant wait to put those plans into action...
i really cant wait...
i want february to come quickly...

i'm glad i always have solid plans for the next step to take in life.
it's a pleasure and a relief to have such plans.
do you?

till next time... take care dear friends...

2006-09-17T01:12:00.000+08:00

i miss my blog.
do you miss me?
bleah.
but i have absolutely no energy to blog.
so tired everyday from work.
shagged out.
please be patient and wait for my first off-day k?
it will be next wednesday.
then i will take my own sweet time to post a super long entry.
entailing every detail of my internship so far. (ok. maybe not every single detail. boring.)
i need to sleep.
i'm popping out in zits.
(erm. lousy english there but wadehell.)
tag me if you miss me!

p.s. i had a manicure done! wee~! first job i'm holding that allows manicures... and it's free. cos the nail parlor's co-owned by daddy. i think the bill will be sent to him lar. but wadehell. as long as i get to enjoy. and the chairs we sit in for the pedicures are like full body massage chairs. heavenly heavenly! haha...

good night dear all...
*muackz*

p.p.s. i miss my boyfriend. can hardly see or talk to him. grrr.
and we were supposed to celebrate our 1st year anniversary on Friday, 15/09.
we were both working, unfortunately.
only met up for supper for awhile...
sad...
nevertheless,
i love you!
*hugz*

happy birthday gavin! like i said, i'll never forget your birthday. hahahaha.... thanks to my boyfriend.

sometimes i really envy other people.
i see girls who have stable relationships, great academic results, pretty, good figure, tall, can do everythng that i've dreamt of doing since long long ago.
and i really get jealous.
or rather, i get inferiority complex.
i think i'm not as good as them...
i think i'm so pathetic.
i think i'm a loser.
i feel like burying my disgraceful face into the ground and never hope to see light again.
gawd... i hate this feelings...
jealousy is indeed a green-eyed monster that makes you blind towards your own goodness. agree?
i'm bullshitting lar.
forgive me.
i'm tired.
good night....

2006-09-13T23:32:00.000+08:00

Got back exam results this afternoon.
Pretty satisfied with my results...
wanted to announce it big here... but on second thoughts, maybe not.
dont want people to think i'm being arrogant and what not.
all i can say is i'm one big step closer to my dream of meeting NTU's GPA requirements.
my boyfriend says he doesn't wanna know my grades.
and i respect that.
so if you wanna know how i did,
ask me.
i'll tell you.
just dont turn back and tell me things like: "wah lao. k lor, you clever lor."
i hate that.
i worked hard for my grades.
i mugged my ass off.
i wrote 3 answer booklets worth of answers for my DPD paper. triple of what others did. and i got back what i deserved. that's all i can say.
i'm happy with my grades.
but it's not really a happy day.

work was a horror.
first day,
i dont wanna comment too much in case there are busybody people here who screw things up for me.
all i can say is that: first days are never fun.
it will get better.
i will do all i can to make it work for me.
i can picture alot of things to be learnt and picked up along the way.
i just have to learn how to stop whining.
and learn how to step out of my comfort zone.
and that comfort zone is F&B.
i'm not going back in it.
and i swear i'll succeed in guest services.
i will make it work.
the next 5 months will be a hard road to walk.
but it'll be a fruitful one i hope.

i'm so tired.
my feet are aching.
i've got blisters.
i'm sore from smiling and delivering mail.
i dont have enough sleep.
my head hurts.
and i'm in a bad mood.
argh.
only rozy saw my good mood today. and it lasted not more than 10 minutes.
sigh.

i'm working afternoon shift for the rest of this month.
2.15pm to 10.15pm.
it's the "no-life" shift.
i wake up to go to work, got to work, then go home and sleep.
same cycle the next day.
my next off day is next wednesday. one whole week later,
fuck.

Dear i love you.
and i'll be here for you.
i know you can do it =)

i wanna be able to afford to live in a $22k per month serviced penthouse too.

2006-09-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

Uneventful day.
Bored.
Spent 4.5 hours watching the Chinese MTV channel's telecast of a massive concert that was held in Taiwan over the weekend.
It was a great show... The who's who of the chinese music industry performed.
SHE, Jay Chou, A Mei, Wilbur Pan, Jolin Tsai, Fish Leong, Guang Liang, Tank, Gary, MayDay, etc etc etc.
The list goes on.
So... guess I had a good earful of all my favorite k-songs.
=D
Still trying to learn more of Jay's new album...

Hmm.
Tomorrow,
Movie and dinner double date again.
Wee~!
but the headache is what movie to watch?
There are no good shows this week.
Sadly, but true.
Raffles Hotel dinner again...
I'm enjoying life!
haha...
The last day of relaxation before internship begins...
hope we'll all have a blast of a time.

Boyfriend has work from 7am to 3pm...
lucky him... attached to Raffles the Plaza's executive floor.
it's like exclusive and so so difficult to be placed there...
hope he works hard and learns alot from his colleagues there.
jiayou!

I spent the last half an hour staring at my wardrobe,
thinking of what to wear tomorrow.
and i'm lost!
i have a nice dress that i haven't had a chance of wearing.
it's a Chanel LBD that Mum passed down to me...
cost her a 3-figure sum and i think it's a great buy...
it's not tight and figure-hugging, but it skims the body so nicely...
i wanna wear it, but i'm afraid it'll be too formal for the other couple.
hmmm...
i need a sponsor for a new wardrobe.
badly.
i gained some weight and rounded out over the past year.
hence, now half of my wardrobe doesnt fit me anymore.
i look frumpy in most of them.
wardrobe makeover!
i need it.

list of wants/needs:
1. new clothes, shoes, accessories (i.e. new wardrobe)
2. tix to Lee Hom's concert on the 21st October. ($148/$168. argh!)
3. holiday... ideal destinations: Australia, NewZealand, Switzerland, Japan, Taiwan, or anywhere at all! cruises are welcome too =)
4. more books. Jodi Picoult, Nora Roberts, Qiong Yao, etc.
5. iPod nano! or shuffle, if there is one with larger memory space.
6. new bags. totes, handbags, clutches, duffels, etc.
7. digital camera! desperately need it so that i can record down images of my life.
8. *i cant think of anymore at this point*
oh and most importantly... your love!
i'm a girl who has a high need for love and affection. not really part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. but yeah. you get the point.

i know i sound greedy lar...
but i'm really an easily satisfied girl.
i dont need to get everything i say i want.
even if i say i need it,
i can most probably leave without it.
i'm low-maintenance!
really!
*bats eyelids innocently*
muahaha....
trying to act cute.
"hey. i'm not ACTING cute. i AM cute."
ok this is becoming really gross.
gonna go sleep.

boyfriend says the earlier i sleep, the faster i'll be able to meet him tomorrow.
does it really work that way?
hmmm... i wonder.
anyway, who says i can't wait to see you? hmm? ;)

i love you!

2006-09-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

Time flies.
The week of rest before SIP begins is over.

OSIP people are flying off tomorrow morning at 8am.
Bon Voyage all!

Pamela,
Hilton Seoul should be great...
and I envy you so much...
Seoul in winter!
omg.
Learn some of your native language,
eat more Korean bbq,
take good care of yourself,
and enjoy your trip!

Alvyn, my jiemei!
Gloria International...
hmmm...
i dunno anything about that place but it's in China.
So unbelievable.
You are going to China!!!
Don't forget me over there...
see ya back here in January 2007.
Just please don't speak to me in Mandarin when you return.
haha...

Jonathan & Sylvie.
Song Be Golf Resort!
It was where I was supposed to go...
if only I didn't reject the offer.
oh well.
It'll be a blast for the both of you I hope?
many holidays spent in each other's company...
enjoy Vietnam!

Ok,
i can't really remember who else is leaving for where.
but in all,
just take care everyone...
overseas can be tiring and straining on your mental health.. so hang in there!
and it's gonna be winter in most places... must take extra care...
i so gonna miss everyone!!!

Gayna, Ailing and everyone else at Sunny Holidays...
Bangkok hotel inspection trip tmw!
Envious...
but 71 hotels to inspect in a mere 6 days.
goodness...
best of luck!
and take care too...

And not forgetting those who will be in Singapore still.
some started last week,
some tomorrow,
some on Wednesday.
Gavin, Shawn, Joce, etc.
so many people!
sorry i can't name all...
haha...
wont have much chance to meet up...
the confirm times are the days of classroom sessions in school
but only 3 days out of 5 mths.
haha...
take care ya all...
work hard!
ganbatte kudasai!
i'll see ya all back in school for the last module in January 07.
don't forget mE!
anyway, if you're reading this now,
it means you've found a way to read about my life constantly...
better than nothing!
haha...

finally,
to my dear boyfriend.
you're starting work tomorrow at 8 am.
and you're still gaming!!!
time to go sleep.
ok, seriously.
i'm gonna miss you.
i know we're not far away from each other.
But we'll definitely have very limited time to spend together.
5 months...
well, it's neither too long nor too short.
and i guess you're right when you said that we'll probably be too engrossed in work and before we know it, 5 months have passed.
and we also know that many things can happen and change in 5 months.
i dont wanna sound pessimistic... just being realistic.
i dont wanna make promises that i know has a chance of being broken.
even if it means that the chance of it being broken is so very insignificant.
honestly to say... i love you so much that i dont wanna harbour too much hopes in our relationship.
take one step at a time...
i wanna make it work.
and i'll do all i can to make it work...
over the next 5 months,
we'll go about working hard for ourselves alright?
and i love you.
dont ever doubt that alright dear?
maybe it might seem unbelievable at times, but believe me.
though people like my mum thinks you're not suitable for me and hence disapproves of us,
i'll still try my best...
just remember that these 5 months will be important for your future and your career...
take it really seriously and do your best...
what's most important to a man should always be his career alright?
*hugz*
i miss you already.

last 2 days of rest...
i'm officially going into hibernation mode.
tomorrow morning,
i'm gonna go pay my respects to my aunt,
then come home and sleep the rest of the afternoon away.
followed by being babysitter for my dear brother...
and then followed by more sleep in the evening...
that's if boyfriend has no plans for us...
and tuesday,
"DO NOT DISTURB"
hibernation, meditation, stoning and the likes.
in preparation for hectic internship.
goodness.
i'm exaggerating...
alot.
but argh!
!@#$@$@^$@&$@$#
i hate this feeling.

gonna go nag my boyfriend to bed now...
good night...

oh yah!
i just bought Jay Chou's newly released album
"Still Fantasy"
and i love it!
track 1 and track 3 are the best so far.
by tomorrow, you'll see that i love all the 10 tracks.
haha...
those who already know me will know that i am uber familiar with every SINGLE one of Jay's songs.
From his 1st album onwards.
now, a new one to conquer!
wee~!

2006-09-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

I'm back from KTV.
This time, it's family day.
Went to 10 Dollar Club with Mum, Dad, Chloe, Chantal, Drago, Sabrina and Regine.
Big big group...
haha...
Very disppointed with the place actually...
We used to love it cos it costs only $10 nett for 5 hours of singing, free flow of drinks and one bowl of "sharks fin".
Today,
it was $10++ for 3 hours only.
Pathetic...
And I still rather sing with the gang... Gavin, Shawn, Joce and peeps.
Oh well.

Had dinner at this chinese restauarant at Chinatown before that.
Peking duck!
yum yum.
haha...
spent quite alot...
especially since we had high tea at Coffee Club as well...
had my favourite iced rambutan, lychee panna cotta and shared calamari rings with mum.
so full today...
I love family days...

Hmm...
let's see...
tomorrow, we're having a final sabai session as a farewell party to Jonathan... who's leaving for Vietnam Song Be Golf Resort for OSIP
Waraku dinner...
hmmm...
i'm broke though...
have to see if mummy will give me money...

i hate taking money from her but sigh... dont have a choice now...
i wanna earn my own keep!
so tempted to work part-time during SIP period...
not that impossible,
but i'll be super drained out most of the time.
and i have almost no time for my darling already as it is... if i work, even worse.
sigh...
but i really can't survive on the 500 bucks allowance only...
sigh sigh sigh...
if i wanna work, i got many openings available so i'm not worried about that...
how?
i need sugar daddy...
or sugar mummy?
hmmm...
=p

My sisters and cousin going for Shinhwa concert tomorrow...
standing area...
dammit.
i wanna go Lee Hom concert!!!!!!!
grrr...
sponsors please....

I realise that I miss dancing.
I miss the adrenaline rush I love to get whenever we rehearse or choreograph dance steps in school.
Be it Talentime dances, or cheerleading...
I loved cheerleading... I love the energetic dance moves, the wow-inducing gymnastics, the loud shouts and teamwork...
sigh.
i wanna find the feeling again...
i dunno if I ever will get the chance again.
Even salsa lessons we took last year were great.
i wanna dance!
i wanna get the jitterbug infection again...

And i miss sports.
sprinting, netball, basketball, badminton, TENNIS, etc.
so much so much...
guess these are the reasons why i've been telling my sisters that i miss secondary school days.
not really the school, but more like the lifestyle...
it was fun.
and never to return again.
sigh.
sad...

i had so much in my mind that i wanted to blog about during the ride home just now...
but now i'm like quite blank?
nothing else i can think of.
hmmm...
stay tuned for more then...

i love you dear...

2006-09-09T00:46:00.000+08:00

Just got home from a nice nice dinner at Raffles Hotel's Bar and Billiard Room.
Dinner was fantastic with the company of Jeff and his lovely girlfriend, Joyce.
And of course not forgetting my dear boyfriend.
We spent 3 whole hours on dinner... 7pm all the way to 10pm.
when it got to 9.45, we all got a shock when the waiter came to tell us that they were gonna close the buffet in 10 mins time.
It felt like 8 plus only... amazing.
Time really flies when you're enjoying yourself... really.
Well, all I can say is that I'm really really full right now that I don't think I'll have the stomach for even the best food in the world at this point.
Joyce is a really lovely girl and fun to talk to...
I enjoyed myself....
Thanks dear... for making tonight's dinner possible. I know you worked hard for it... I really appreciate it... I love you...

Oh and i met a long-time-no-see friend of mine...
a friend i knew back in my secondary 2 days...
Luke from ACS(B)...
i can't even remember the last time i met him,
and to my greatest surprise,
he was working at the buffet counter at BBR just now...
my my my...
it was great seeing him...
i'm surprised we recognised each other..
haha...

Being back at Raffles Hotel,
brings back fond memories of the times I worked at Long Bar.
I really really miss working there.
Especially when the F&B Manager of Raffles Hotel, Mr Reto talked to me...
He is a great guy and what really touched me was that he remembers me... a mere part-timer... one of the many hundreds of part-timers that the hotel has.
He even asked me why I stopped working for Long Bar...
and according to him, I will be back there some day - "Once you have the Raffles injection in your blood, you'll never be able to run away."
haha...
that was quoted from him when I talked to him at dinner just now...
as usual, he was doing his rounds of all the F&B outlets in the hotel.
and he also said he will always welcome back good and capable staff... does that mean me? hmmm... haha... *my ego's growing...* =)
anyway...
i really miss the place.
the band, the bar, the colleagues, the friendly guests, the hundreds of cameras I get to handle every day at work, the tips and the feeling of appreciation i get when i work there.
everything.
but the only thing i won't miss would be some of the management there...
they can do better with better management for sure...
meaning the headwaitress, headwaiter, etc.
funny thing is that,
there are so many people asking me to go back to work at Long Bar...
saying they need staff like me desperately...
hmm...
but with internship coming up... unlikely la...
and i know my boyfriend doesn't like that idea...
don't wanna go against his wishes...

Just finished reading another Jodi Picoult novel...
This story is woven around the idea of euthanasia, which if you don't already know, means mercy killing.
The question I have immediately upon closing the book was: "If one day, the man I love so so dearly is inflicted with horrible multiple cancers that are eating away the inside of him bit by bit, and he asks me to kill him and end his pain, would I do it?"
Hypothetical, yes.
But if faced with this in reality, would I?
I really don't know.
If he asks me to end his life, I would think he is very selfish. Because he would be leaving me behind alone.
But if I don't agree to it, wouldn't I be the selfish one? To want to keep him by my side even though he is suffering in constant pain? Even though I know he will not enjoy the quality of life he deserves even if he is kept alive by radiation treatments, chemotherapies and what not?
Who should have the right to be selfish?
Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, it will still be a difficult decision.
Will you regret it after?
What will you do after?
Will I ever love someone so much that I will be willing to do anything he asks, even if it means killing him, or myself, or anyone else?
Is it logical to do something like that?
Is there really love so great in this world?

Personally,
I've learnt first-hand how painful a cancer can be to the patients and their loved ones.
A very very close aunt of mine passed away 5 years ago, after a long drawn-out 10-year battle with brain cancer.
She doted on me like her own daughter because she herself had 4 sons and had always wished for a daughter.
She made me her god-daughter and loved me greatly.
When she was first diagnosed with a brain tumour,
I was only a little girl.
All I remember was accompanying her to check-ups after check-ups at Tan Tock Seng hospital.
When she had her first surgery,
I remember visiting her and thinking how queer she looked without hair, especially since the operation left a scar 20cm long across the top of her head... like a spiked hairband.
I remember hating the hospital because TTSH was so dreary with its overhead ceiling fans droning on and on, the cement flooring that made me doubt the quality of local hospitals and stuff like that.
I guess, the main reason why I hated the hospital was because everytime I saw my aunt, she was too weak to kiss me on my forehead and tell me how pretty I look, like she always used to do.
The first operation was a success.
She went into remission for about 3 years.
We all thought it was gone for good cos she was back to the cheerful self she was, going around visiting people, buying food for me, shouting at her boys for being a nuisance, etc.
Until she started having fainting spells all over again.
This time, it was back with a tougher challenge...
Another 2 operations and many many months of chemotherapy later, the doctor said she was safe for the time being...
but it can come back anytime... and the next time, it will be a real battle to get rid of it.
She put on so much weight cos of the medications' side effects, but she was hardly eating anything. She threw up almost every other thing that entered her body.
She had permanently lost hair from all parts of her body too...
One day, she was visiting us when I saw a thin layer of fine hair on her head. Like a newborn baby's.
I was ecstatic.
In my naive mind, I thought that the hair loss was cos she was sick and since the hair is growing again, it must mean she's gonna be fine.
Sadly,
in late 1999,
the cancer came back.
Fiercer than ever this time.
The doctors tried operating, but it was everywhere and there was no way they could remove everything... so chemotherapy was the only way to keep things in control...
5 days a week, she went for chemotherapy.
7 days a week, she vomited and lied in bed cos she was never able to walk any more than 5 steps before fainting.
The weight she put on from the medication before was gone and she started to grow frailer and frailer with each day.
Until she could no longer walk.
Until she was left with skin and bones.
Until she had no more energy to speak to anyone.
Until she was in so much pain, that morphine blurred her sense.
Until she could no longer recognise me or her 4 sons.
Until she faded away so much that she had to be confined to a cot 24 hours a day, fed only water.
I can never forget the one day I visited her at home and held her hand.
I thought she could no longer recognise me but she held my hand back and a tear slipped from her left eye...
Within the next nano-second, the dam burst in me and i couldnt help sobbing.
I swore to be strong before i went to see her... I didn't want her young 10-year-old son see me cry...
but it was just so much to bear...
i remember laying my forehead on the back of her hand, and letting the tears flow for 15 minutes...
I had one thought: If this is the pain she has to go through, please just let her go. Let her go when she can still see and hear her sons. Let her go when morphine can still numb her pain. It hurts to let her go... but it hurts even more to see her in constant pain that never seems to fade away.
Finally, in the afternoon of 9 January 2001, she left us all.
I remember the date so clearly because it's my parent's wedding anniversary.
I was on my way home from school, on bus 67.
I remember passing through Geyland and Eunos, when my hp rang.
My grandma called.
Saying that Aunt just died.
I first thought she was kidding, until I heard her choked voice over the phone.
I hung up and reality set in.
I was supposed to call Mum and Dad to tell them.
But I was glued to nothing outside the window of the crowded bus.
I called Mum, told her and said that I wanna go to her wake that evening.
I ended the call even before Mum could say anything.
And I started crying on the bus.
Not loud sobs... but tears couldn't stop flowing.
Luckily I was at the back of the bus.
The wake passed in a blur... I remember crying only a little when I saw her hallowed face through the glass window in the casket.
It wasn't until the cremation ceremony, that I bawled my eyes out. I called her Mummy, because she was my god-mother. And with my cousins, I couldn't stop crying out for her...
I cried myself to sleep that whole week...
It hit me the hardest when I saw the casket being sent into burning flames, and my four cousins huddled together crying. they were only 10, 11, 17 and 20. how young...

till today, 5 years have passed.
And i havent once gathered up enough courage to visit her...
I cannot bear the image my memory will dig up.
One moment I see her healthy, well and hugging me. The next I see her with no life or soul in her, trying her best to breathe and see who's around her.
I cannot bear that...
But next monday, I will be going to visit her... 1st time in 5 years.
I'll be going with grandma and her eldest son... who is my da-ge that i have constantly been talking about...
I hope I won't cry...
And I hope what I remember will be her love, her care, her hugs and kisses and her vitality.
I still love her as much as I did when I was a little girl.

What morbid thought at 2.30am in the morning.
Sorry folks...
I couldn't stop thinking about it and the only way to relieve myself of this mental burden is to write about it.

I wish, with all my might, that everyone i love be safe and healthy for as long as i'm around.
it's a selfish way of putting it... but i really don't wanna have to go through that sort of mental torture again...

2006-09-07T01:11:00.000+08:00

Had a nice time out with my dear boyfriend just now...
Met him at noon to catch The Devil Wears Prada.
And boy was the movie good.
I guess it was even more exciting for me cos I'm interested in fashion.
In fact, if I had the financial abilities, I know I'll be a fashion junkie.
Dump me the big names and I can go ga-ga and rattle on for eons.
Like I saw the amazing Chanel tweed overcoat,
Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos (shoes, by the way),
Prada classic handbag,
etc etc etc.
My goodness...
I think I made my boyfriend go nuts,
what with all my screeching when I saw gorgeous clothes on screen that I know I'll never in my life get to wear.
Haha... sorry dear... you had to live with that during the movie.
but yes,
the movie was about integrity and being true to yourself.
the fashion was a by-product.
if you look beyond it's shiny coat of gamour and couture,
the show is quite thought-provoking.
makes me wonder what i'll do if i was in Andy Saks' D&Gs (Dolce and Gabbana. yes. that's how 'Gabbana' is spelt by the way).
Would I give up my dream job and put my career on the line, for my family and friends?
That's a question that I have answered in my previous post so let's just leave it as that.
though the thoughts of Paris, London, DKNY, Gucci and other gorgeous and way-too-expensive clothes and shoes really can be tempting at times.
oh well

then we went to collect our rings after the movie.
oh yes our rings!
haha
how could i have missed that.
i have never gotten rings from anyone who meant something before...
so last night,
i told Tian that i wanted a ring...
that we should get couple rings...
and i pestered.
haha...
thick-skinned i know
but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do to get what she wants, right?
anyway,
finally chose a pair... simple and nice... not too expensive either...
and we got names engraved on them...
my name on his, and his name on mine.
hopefully, it will serve as a reminder of our love for each other while we're apart and busy with our internships.
now,
this ring i have is precious to me...
because the nature of my job allows for simple accesories,
it will be with me every waking hour of the day...
it is also in part to make up for the fact that we'll be missing our 1-year anniversary together.
which is next friday.
sigh...

anyway,
we headed to Taka cos i needed to get a pair of knee-length skirt for work.
HR said uniform is provided but I should get a pair just in case they dont have my size.
so spent a precious $49 at G2000.
then we had another hour to spare and headed to the coffee club opposite Cineleisure for "high-tea"
haha...
nice snacks and drinks...
and my darling was the happiest cos we got his favourite spot.
to people-watch.
where we can see everyone who walks past,
but not everyone sees or notices us.
haha...
and i was the one who inculcated him with that habit.
i remember a time last year when we just started dating... he scolded me for wanting to just chill at starbucks, people watch and not do anything.
haha...
that was a long time ago...
and aren't you glad you now have such a.... leisurely and relaxing habit?
haha...
ok i'm crapping.

after that,
we went to watch the long-awaited Break-up.
now i finally know why Shawn said i MUST bring Tian to watch the show...
haha...
seriously...
i felt i was connected to Brooke (Aniston) in some way or another.
i could feel everything that she was feeling...
though Vince Vaughn really exaggerated it all and my boyfriend's not exactly THAT bad a prick in the ass,
i really felt something.
and i kept nudging Tian:"eh, sounds like us huh?"
and after the show, i told him:"she said everything that i wanna say to you. did you hear all that?"
hahahaha...
sorry dear...
it's just amazing...
but anyway...
i hope you understood the final moral of the story...
what i saw was - if you don't appreciate and cherish what you have now, you'll never know when it will disappear and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
but i guess some people can see it in another way... that the few years of separation between them did them good... and at the end of the day, they'll get back together and realise how stupid they were to let each other go in the first place.

had dinner at Thai Express at Paragon after the show
all i can say is that the place is severely short-staffed
and it made our dinner a great deal less enjoyable...
not the best ending to a great date...
but it was still nice...

one of the few times we end a date with a smile and a goodbye kiss...
i hope every date from now on will be as nice and sweet as today's...
i love you dear... alot more than you think...

2006-09-05T23:34:00.000+08:00

I have no more time!!!

As I will be starting my internship next wednesday,
I will be officially giving up my life for the next 5 months.
I'm so dreading it.
Sigh.
This week was supposed to be a "rest and catch up with friends" week.
but so far, I have been busy with SA stuff almost 3 quarters of the time.
Election, handing over, other external events coordination, etc.
Hectic, to say the least.
And I haven't even officially handed over my duties to my successor.
I'm pretty stressed out really.
And I'm missing all my friends already.

Today,
went back to TAS for a meeting with the new EXCO and the advisors.
no comments.
Then had dinner at Sakae with my boyfriend.
(yes, he's fine. last night he called me while i was worrying my arse off to say he's fine)
We were all pretty lethargic so finished dinner pretty quickly and headed home.

Tomorrow,
finally a date with him.
Movies, dinner and shopping.
yay!
i can't remember the last time we watched a movie together.
and i can't predict when we can watch a movie together again either.
we both are working at different places.
we both have only 1 offday per week which is not fixed.
we both have to work rotating shifts, which again is not fixed either.
and who knows? we might not even get to meet once a month maybe.
ok that's exaggerating.
but seriously.
what if none of our off-days coincide?
what if we have different working hours constantly?
sigh.
it's a horrible thought.
5 months of non-contact!!!
*brrr*

Thursday,
KTV with shawn and gavin one final time before SIP begins,
and we each set off on our busy and irregular working life.
looking forward to it greatly cos well, i miss them!
and of cos i miss singing.
=)

Supposed to have another date with boyfriend on friday
but mum just said she wanna book a bintan trip for the whole family this weekend...
friday and saturday
just one night
grrr...
one night is so not shiok lar...
i rather not go
so expensive somemore...
some villa/bungalow thingy...
sigh...
i told her to book it next weekend so that chantal, chloe and drago can go with them ah...
i'll be working already so i'll just give it a miss la.
dont want the whole family to sacrifice holiday for me.

then i can predict this weekend passing in a blink of an eye.
monday, boyfriend will start work at RC hotels.
wednesday, my turn.
Anyone interested in MOS this thursday night? ladies night!
ok.
sudden craving and no link.
but yeah.
noted.

now you see the reason why i am choosing a path that leads me slightly further away from the mainstream hospitality industry of F&B, hotels and travel agencies.
i have finally realised that although i do have the immense passion for service,
i realised that i can do what i wanna do in places other than hotels and restaurants.
for one,
family is so important to me and i dont wanna have to sacrifice family time for work.
for two,
i need challenge in my job. and i need to find it somewhere else.
there is an element of service in every sector nowadays.
and i will be sure to include my passion in whatever else i'm doing.
be it journalism, PR or marketing.
I believe very strongly in living life to its fullest.
and my life will not revolve round my job... i will make it a personal goal so that it doesnt.
my job will be a part of my life, only because it supports my life.
and only with income from a job, will i be able to live life to its fullest,
and give my family a good and comfy life.

dear,
i know that from next week onwards,
we'll have very very little time for each other.
it will be a tough test to our very fragile relationship.
for sure.
but i sincerely hope that we can pass the test with flying colours.
all it takes a little more effort, understanding and tolerance from both of us towards each other.
i've told you this before... but i'd like to say it again...
although i have absolutely no idea what the future has in store for us,
i'm still gonna try.
honestly speaking, i am a girl with an extremely high need for assurance and security.
i need to know the path i'm taking.
i need to know what i'm walking towards.
i don't wanna one day walk into a dead end and find myself with no time to track back and find a new way out.
i have my future plans more or less in place... and all i have to do is work towards making the plans materialise for sure.
but i really don't dare to put you in those plans...
cos i dont wanna find myself with a gaping hole in my plans one of these days and having no way to fill it up...
if that happens,
i'll lose my way, i'll lose my direction.
for sure.
and i'll find myself re-planning my future. and i dont want to.
i know life doesn't go according to plans... they never do.
but i will still work towards making my life go according to my plans.
i wanna take charge of my own life.
i dont wanna leave it to fate to decreed how my life is gonna be like or how i'm gonna have to lead my life.
hence, my darling,
how am i supposed to fit you into those blueprints?
everytime we talk about your future plans and our future together,
you always say: "we'll see"
but dear, i hate that very phrase.
i dunno wanna have to wait and see how things goes.
but i guess,
we dont have much of an option now right?
then i'll just have to wait and see...
i just wish i dont have to wait too long...
i trust that you love me...
and i love you too...
but as i've always said: love isn't everything in a relationship.
a relationship cannot survive just on love itself.
there is so much more than that...
for me, i need:
stability
security
comfort
care
trust
and so much more...
sigh...
this next 5 months will only be a small small test to our fragile relationship...
tough, yes.
but the toughest test is yet to come...
it will come from next year onwards.
all i wish is that we won't wind up wasting our time...
as a guy, you might have all the time in the world to waste cos even if you wait till you're 30 to get hitched, it's no big deal. in fact, it would be better cos you'd have a career by then. and without a career, you dont even have to dream about getting married.
as a girl, i dont have much time. from next year onwards, i have about 5 to 6 years to fulfill all my dreams - degree, SIA and family. and honestly to say, i'm more than willing to give up flying for my family... without regrets. so if my chance to true happiness comes along before i get to fly, and i have to make a choice, my choice is very clear.

i wanna marry young.
i wanna have my kids young.
i wanna have a happy and warm family to go home to every single evening...
i was reading home and decor magazine, as well as the latest ikea catalog
and i found myself picturing how my future home will look like...
how i will decorate and furnish my kids' bedroom... how my boys will like theirs, how my girls will like theirs...
how i'll make the living room so cosy that i know i'm home where i belong, everytime i step into the house...
how i'll make the kitchen a haven for family gatherings, morning breakfasts, and late night supper...
i found myself imagining how it'll be like to have little children running around me, how it'll be like to have a doting husband for me to fuss over, how it'll be like to have a family of my own.
i want it all to come true.
and honestly, i dont wanna wait too long for it...
i'm already craving it...
sigh.

i know i'm drifting way off course.
and some might think that i'm thinking too much.
but i'm a girl.
i'm entitled to my dreams...
and when you really think about it,
it's about time i did something to make those dreams come true.
i'm really not getting much younger.
really.

i came into this page, hoping to write about some memories that have been replaying themselves in my mind the whole night.
but i have gone off the tangent and wrote about some totally different stuff.
one day,
i'll be back with those memories...
rest assured.

2006-09-04T23:31:00.000+08:00

i'm having horrible cramps,
my head hurts,
and i'm worried sick.
my boyfriend hasn't called or smsed me since this afternoon...
it's almost midnight now...
sigh
supposed to be out with his friends but his handphone is switched off...
i can't reach him!
and i'm missing him.
but now,
i'm more worried than anything...
i have a very bad habit of letting my imaginations run wild and i worry myself out.
dear, call me soon k?
dont let me worry...
i can't sleep and i can't do anything else with my head splitting and heart worrying.
can't wait to hear your voice now...
i love you...

2006-09-04T16:07:00.000+08:00

I haven't updated for many days.
So here's it.

Friday -
Went for 'beach party' at TAS,
organised by HTMIG.
well,
no comments there.
didnt have a good time
cos i spent a big part of it crying behind the 'scenes'
dont ask me why.
i hate explaining.
But all's fine now.

Saturday to Sunday -
SA gathering at Siloso beach Resort.
Had a great time with the members...
But didn't really enjoy cos of the environment.
no comments really.
(can't comment too much actually; our blogs are apparently monitored by people with nothing better to do in school)

Today,
feeling dizzy and uncomfortable
so i'm in hibernating mode at home.
tired...
i cant believe i have to start working next week.
sigh.
i'm so so dreading it.

i feel like i'm supposed to be enjoying this last few days of freedom.
but i can't seem to do it.
i open my svc email and i get flooded with emails.
sigh
SO MUCH TO DO!!!
and no-one's making my job any easier.
actually,
this doesnt seem to be my job,.
i seem to be doing work for everyone else.
why?
argh.
shit.
ok i'm grumbling.
but ultimately i'm blogging only because i've done what i'm supposed to do for now.
still waiting for people to reply my emails, sms and return my calls.
sigh
i need hp bill reimbursement boss!
ok kidding =)

like you say,
we're calling a truce for now.
i hope the truce will last longer than usual.
i love you

2006-08-31T13:22:00.000+08:00

"When a guy doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has."

this is a quote that has appeared on my blog more than a few times.
and i know there's a few people out there who has benefitted from reading this on my blog.
but you would also know that it's easier said than done.
but then again,
i know he loves me...
and i've never doubted the fact that he does.
but things have become so difficult...
i'm lost.
i dunno what to do now...

dear,
you said i should love you for who you are.
and i'm telling you i do.
i really do.
everytime i get angry or upset,
its only because i'm trying to make you aware of your bad habits and that you should correct them.
for your own good because i dont want people to think of you or look at you as a slob with no care for your image.
i dont get angry for no rhyme or reason.
sigh.
i dont know how to explain it to you.
you said i can get angry.
but be sweet and not get frustrated.
but really... be sweet when i'm angry/upset?!?!
it's something that nobody in this world can do all the time.
you think i like being angry?
it's taxing on me too.
if you think you dont deserve all this,
then me neither.
i admit i like being treated like a million bucks.
so?
which girl doesnt like to be treated like a princess?
sigh.
i love you tian.
but if this is taking so big a toll on us,
i dunno what to do already.
you want me to be nice.
you want me to be sweet.
you want me not to get angry at you so often.
i want to be able to do all that too!
but though i can say i will try to not be pissed so often,
it's not possible for me to be nice and sweet when i am not happy.
really. it's impossible.
you say that i'm not sweet to you.
but... i can vividly remember times when i am.
when i do things for you too.
sigh.
you said you've changed too much for me.
but let me just remind you that before we got back together,
YOU promised that you'll change.
and i told you not to make promises that you can't keep.
and i kept on telling you that.
but you confidently insisted that you will and you want to.
even when i told you i dont need you to change.
now you're turning back and telling me that i should love you for who you are and you dont want to change? that you just want to be you?
i dont know what you want.
some people say that guys can promise you the stars and the moon to get you, but the moment they get you they forget all their promises and regret them.
is it true?
i hope it's not.
if you say that i shouldnt have gotten angry at you for what happened at my house the other day, that i should be nice even if i got angry,
i say i'm not sorry.
for one,
if that dishonesty is part of who you are, i'm telling you now that i cannot accept it.
for two,
i had my right to be pissed at whoever intruded into my privacy.
even my mum dont dare to look into my stuff cos i've screamed at her and cold-war-ed her for doing that before.
so you being my boyfriend doesnt grant you such privileges as well.

sigh.
i dunno why i'm saying all these.
as if it's gonna be of any use.
i'm just wasting my time.
i'm wasting my time constantly.
argh.

2006-08-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

DPD's finally over.
And I don't wanna comment on how well I might do because I know I did all I can...
How well I end up doing will be up to how much moderation takes place I guess...
oh well.
And that also means it's the end to examinations in TP.
no more...
though it sucks,
i'm still gonna miss all of it.
studying with my sayang rozy at our regular benches,
taking breaks ever so often,
and gorging ourselves with food from Cheers and Biz Park.
sigh.
memories.
thank goodness rozy will be doing her SIP with moi!
haha.
ok i'll stop gloating.

anyway,
went to KBox at Marine Parade after the paper with Gavin, Shawn, Jocelyn, Siok, Weiting and Siying.
Had one of my worse times at KTV ever.
But it's all due to personal reasons, so don't be offended in any way...
We were there from about 2.30 to 9.40 pm.
7 hours of singing.
and usually,
i'll be high and it helps to erase all my troubles. at least for that period of time.
but today,
all i could think of was: when is my hp going to ring?
will it be who i'm expecting?
will it be who i'm waiting for?
i was in no mood at all.
absolutely.
everyone there could attest to it i'm sure.
i wasn't singing,
i was drinking tiger beer (like, eww? beer?),
i was keeping to myself at one corner of the small room.
so everyone for being kinda anti-social today...
really wasn't in a good mood.
i keep thinking to myself... if he really doesnt call, does it really signal the end?
do i really have to once again put down everything to take the initiative?
even though nothing was my fault?
even though he's the one who is supposed to convince me that i should forgive him and give him another chance?
or maybe he doesnt want the chance anymore.
maybe that's it.
i cant think of any other explanation for this whole day of "no contact".
maybe this time it really is over... is it?
sigh...
i thought the usual gang can help me drive away my troubles like they always have...
but seems like today's a bad day for everyone.
it wasnt of any use.
i wish i went home and hid myself in bed the whole day after my paper this morning.
i wish nothing has ever changed in my life.
i wish...
sigh...
wishes are bullshit material that only serves to life your hopes sky high and dump everything on you at the end of the day, making you mor miserable than you ever were before.
whatever happens,
happens for a reason.
but the reason better be a good and valid one...
i feel like burying myself in the midst of my newly changed comforter and sleeping my whole life away.
i dont wanna have to do anything anymore...
everything sucks right now.
by the way, which girl in her right mind eats KFC 4 times in one week, 2 times in a day?
i did that.
piece of shit.
no wonder i'm putting on so much weight.
argh!!!!
i'm gonna go while my life away and rot myself to sleepy death, while trying not to keep both ears on my phone. and trying not to have any hopes.
fuck this life.

2006-08-29T18:07:00.000+08:00

i should never have ask you over to my place.
i should never have fell asleep and left you with full access to my computer.
and once again, thanks alot for probing into my privacy.
there's a reason why not a single soul in this world knows about my private blog.
because it's PRIVATE.
it's for me, myself and I.
ONLY.
i can't believe you peeped into it while i was asleep.
and totally denied it COMPLETELY when i asked you.
"WHAT??? I never do anything! I was just blogging lor! What other blog?"
bullshit lar.
there is such a thing called "ctrl+h"?
and even when i "ctrl+h"-ed for you to see, with the proof in your face,
you can still deny. VEHEMENTLY.
makes me wonder if denial is all that you're ever good at.
makes me wonder whether this is the first time you are vehemently denying something you've done, but in fact you're just trying to cover up your mistakes.
if all you did is peep, i might still be able to forgive.
but not when you lied so blatantly in my face!
and you expect the nice things you've done to cover and make up for this betrayal of trust?
(btw, some examples of nice things = coming all the way to pasir ris to study with me, and giving me one stalk of sunflower 2 weeks ago.)
firstly,
i'm perfectly fine studying alone. you were the one who needed someone to motivate you to study. so, it's only FAIR that you came.
secondly,
one stalk of sunflower. and only 'on the way' because your buddy wanted to go get flowers for his girl. and please, flowers don't mean everything. i've received big bouquets and never been influenced by them before.
as for everything else you've done for me,
i do bear them in mind.
i've never forgotten any of them.
but seriously,
it doesn't make up for betrayal in trust anyhow.
be glad that at least i gave you more than hour to TRY explaining yourself before chasing you outta my house.
and be glad i didnt show my anger in front of my dad.
cos the consequences would be rather disastrous then (dad's quite protective over what's his)
i know i was a little harsh when i said that i've not been happy with you ever since we got back together.
but as you already know, i blog about happy AND unhappy things.
go back and count how many happy and unhappy posts i have.
compare them.
i'm happy to be back with you.
but when i think back, here's what i think:
i agreed to be with you again only because i felt you can make me truly happy this time.
bcos i felt that you know how to make me happy this time round.
bcos i knew that you deserve a chance to prove yourself.
but have you?
i really wanna cherish this relationship.
but you're making it so difficult...
like i said: i have 2 types of anger.
1. violent, vulgar and loud. that would mean that it's a fit of anger. i might easily forgive you.
2. quiet, silent and i ignore you. it just means i've given up hope.
even you can say that you "know that it's difficult to forgive, but can you forgive me?"
should i?
think about it.
why should i forgive you just cos you said so?
what makes you think i can trust you?
trust when you say you'll never do it again?
why make me try to do something that even you know is difficult?
forget it lar.
i give up.
in case you don't already know, i have a few major pet peeves:
1. i am fiercely protective over my privacy
2. i hate people who lie to me. especially those who do it without blinking their eyes.
3. i hate people who think i'm a fool. to think i'm easy to get and easy to bluff.
under-estimate me and you're screwed.
whatever you need to do now,
i dont care really.
dont ask me.
it's for me to know and for you to find out.
if you cant even be bothered to find out, i dont wanna stay in this piece of shit anymore.
and find out, not from me.
leave me alone.
of all times, just before the paper i'm most worried about.
you're amazing.
i've never gotten this worked up over anyone before.
no-one before you.
proud now?
happy now?
satisfied?

Rozy says:
"forgiveness is letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness"
hurtful situation - attempting to convince myself to let go.
my own happiness - where? with whom? right where i am? but where's the so-called happiness?
most people reading this probably think i'm being unreasonable and there's nothing to be so pissed off about.
but i have my own principles.
my own strict sets of principles.
and rule no. 1 = never to let go of my principles cos even if the whole world doesn't respect it, i should respect my own.
why should i forgive someone who knowingly betrays my trust in my face, in my territory and can defend himself? why should i?

2006-08-29T11:30:00.000+08:00

last day of mugging for DPD exams, which is tomorrow.
I'm so super stressed out now.
sigh.
And Tian's sleeping.
On my bed.
Grrr...
He's supposed to be here studying, and he ends up sleeping.
SO not surprising rite?
And he was the one who insisted on meeting me at 9am, at Pasir Ris.
Knowing very well that he's not a morning person.
tsk tsk tsk.
getting on my nerves.
i need to study with someone who has the same sense of urgency as I do.
ROZY!!!!
i need you...
sigh.
and when i'm trying to focus on my studying,
he keeps asking "why are you so agitated? are you upset or angry?"
and i'm like: no? i'm just stressed out and trying very hard to study.
grrrr

maybe the long period of time apart has changed me. how? sigh. i'm trying... i'm really trying.

2006-08-27T16:45:00.000+08:00

I'm left with 3 days to DPD exams.
And I doubt I'm even halfway through my studying.
Sigh.
Distractions distractions distractions.
I hate distractions.
And now, there's a whole bunch of SA stuff waiting for me to do.
Like I'm damn bloody free.
Sigh.
And I don't think I'm even part of the project committee for this event.
But nevertheless,
when it comes to SA,
I know I'll always give my best.
I just hope that I get what I deserve at the end of the day.
I need to study.
I need to study.
I really really need to study.
AHHHH....
can someone take away my headaches once and for all?
so sick and tired of it.
makes me wanna sleep the day away.
and i can't!!!

2006-08-26T15:15:00.000+08:00

Organisational Behaviour paper yesterday was pretty ok.
MCQ was really tricky,
but everything else was pretty ok.
Just praying that I can get my A for this subject.
Shouldn't be a very tall order as long as I did my questions accurately.
Which I of course think I did =P

Got back 70% of our Ticketing& Reservations grade too...
As with ALL other subjects... got a B+.
Not extremely satisfied but I guess one cannot ask for much...
especially when I've done pretty well as compared to others...
Out of about 148 students, only less than 10 As.
You get the drift...
So I shall be happy with what I got =)
Just hope I can at least maintain it with my final test grade...
*hopes and prays*

hmm...
getting myself psyched up to start mugging for DPD.
so not looking forward to it...
but, it's my last paper!
must jiayou...

yesterday news reported that 20 singapore polytechnic tourism studies students have been selected by Disney to go Florida's Disneyland for a 5-month attachment.
wadehell?
and the SP lecturer said: "The people from Disneyland said that our students are much more proactive and well-suited to be a part of our happy family than from other schools" (or something along those lines)
i was like:"hmmm... i dont remember them approaching or interviewing students from other schools such as TP's HTM course students. how can she say something like that?"
a comment with no basis.
no, with a basis. but a VERY INACCURATE one.
but then again,
SP has a reputation for thinking that they're very great.
so i wont blame them.
cos now i know that it's the lecturers' examples they learn from.
Mum asked me: dont you think it's very unfair? they get to go and you dont?
hmm... maybe a little.
but, who cares?
i'm still proud of TP's HTM course.
to me, no other place can be better =D
We Rock!

Ok.
I shall stop criticising.
I need to get started with studying!
some one motivate me!

2006-08-24T22:42:00.000+08:00

ahhhh!
i can't believe i cried in public.
again.
and this time, it was right in front of Gavin and Shawn.
Guys,
I'm sorry...
i really tried very very hard to control the tears from falling...
but i couldnt...
just couldnt...
my apologies...
i think even Rozy hasn't seen me cry in front of her before.
haha...
you guys should feel 'honoured'!
kidding kidding...
and till now,
i still have those same tears running down my cheeks.
apparently, it didn't end where it seemed to have just now...
sigh
i'm still stuck in the midst of the same stuff...
oh Gav, thanks for paying for my $2 at kbox just now...
i'm sorry that i was broke and still went out with you guys.
i'll pay you back as soon as i can.
i feel so shittified now...
and tmw,
i won't be going to celebrate Bel's birthday with them...
cos for one i'm broke.
for two,
i gotta be a good sister and fetch my little bro from childcare...
so no choice...
the downside of responsibilities.
i'm not really making sense now...
i'll be back when i have a clearer mind.

2006-08-24T01:33:00.000+08:00

The End?
well, silence means agreement.

2006-08-24T00:41:00.000+08:00

i really didn't expect you to take it all out on my tagboard.
now i'm just sorry i cannot control the contents on my tagboard.
sigh
you vented on your own territory - your blog. fine. fair enough.
you vented in your smses to me earlier. fine too. fair enough as well.
but my tagboard?
it's not meant for a purpose like that.
no wonder you don't wanna put tagboard on SA blog.
ok no link. but anyway.
sigh...

i dunno what else to say now.
you want me to admit that everything's my fault?
that i was the one in the wrong?
that you did nothing wrong?
ok fine.
sorry to those who asked me not to take the first step... as you can see, it doesn't work that way for us. i got no choice now. it's this or nothing.
so to my dear boyfriend,
i apologise.
to you.
publicly.
since you brought the quarrel to the public domains of my tagboard,
i shall apologise here too.
i'm sorry.
before you can snap at me and say:"do you even know what you're sorry for? do you even mean it?" like you always do,
let me answer it first.
yes i do know what i'm sorry for.

i'm sorry for getting all riled up and angry when you went to play scrabble, computer games and pool when we were supposed to be studying in the SU lounge.
if i knew earlier, i would have stayed outside the LTs, or left for TM first.
so at least if i didn't know, no harm no foul.
so for all that, i'm really sorry.
guess i shouldnt have got pissed off
guess i should have warned you that you were on the verge of getting me angry BEFORE i actually got angry.
i'm sorry.

and also, the 2nd thing i'm sorry for is not accepting your explanations when i told you i was angry.
but as with everyone in this pathetic little planet called Earth, people are usually deaf to explanations when emotions run high and tensions are walking on tightrope.
guess that's why i'm sorry...
cos i let my emotions take control of me and made my brain ignore all explanations you attempted to voice out.
i'm so very sorry.

3rd thing.
like i mentioned earlier,
i'm sorry i let you walk out that door when you were pissed.
i'm sorry i couldnt put my unhappiness aside and chase after you.
i'm sorry i didn't think of giving in and begged you to stay.
i'm sorry. i shold have known that i had to be the one who went after you and made you stay.
i should have known that letting you leave like that was equivalent to letting a ticking time bomb prowl the streets... and honestly, that's why i expected those contents on my tagboard. that's why i knew to check on my tagboard the moment i got home.

i'm sorry... for not solving the issue right there and then, so that it won't linger around like it did.

i'm sorry by brain is so clogged up with confusion right now that i'm not making much sense.

i'm sorry that i can't find the courage to click on that name of yours on my MSN list to talk to you now.

i'm sorry if you see a million typos here cos my vision is already clouding up... no thanks to the disgustingly overworked tear glands of mine. apparently they are so active that there's no such thing as what people call 'no more tears'

i know what you're gonna say now cos you said it to me 2 nights ago... that no-one made me cry... I MADE MYSELF CRY MOST OF THE TIME.
and you know what?
i guess i actually do agree.
cos it is always my choice whether i wanna cry or not rite?
or maybe sometimes i just think too much and let unnecessary things affect myself.
is that right?
well, maybe. a little. sometimes.
maybe people should also realise that girls will always be girls. sensitive creatures that are easily affected.
sigh.

i'm really rambling.
my head hurts like crazy, as it always does when i cry too hard.
and i should be sleeping.
but i cant stop my mind from thinking, my fingers from typing, my tears from flowing, nor my eyes for not shutting.

i logged on for the initial purpose of blogging about the pretty nice show i watched with my cousin just now...
snakes on a plane.
but now,
totally no mood.
all i can say is that it's a pretty good show.
samuel l. jackson alone is worth the entire price of the movie ticket.
at least to me.
snakes galore.
and i hope i dreams of snakes tonight.
not you.

i love you... like crazy. but you drive me crazy sometimes. maybe what the guys said is true. i chould cut you some slack. ignore some of the things you do that upset me. my life will be simpler, easier and happier. but will you do the same for me? i doubt.

2006-08-23T19:11:00.000+08:00

fuck.
whatever just happened was totally uncalled for.
but i still don't think i was at fault in any way.
if i obviously am pissed off,
would it kill you to try and solve things with a softer tone?
a more pleasing tone?
i'm gonna say i'm sorry,
but only for letting you walk away without stopping you.
but not for what i was pissed off at in the first place.
seriously,
if you can tell people to grow up,
why can't you do it yourself?
i may be sounding really unreasonable to you
but i have my reasons for being like that.
i have your interests at heart.
whatever la.
apparently, to you i promised to not be angry at you again but i just broke my promises.
i really can't be bothered now.
my focus is on my exams.
so if you're not ready to accept that,
leave me alone.
not that everything has to be about me like you said just now in front of jodin.
i dont need everything to be my way.
if you want me to accept your explanations,
why can't you accept my reasons for being pissed off?
i shall shut up now.
i rest my case.
bye.

2006-08-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

Here's a big, fat thank you to everyone who offered me their advice based on the dilemma I posted last night.
I really really do appreciate each and every one of your help =)
But, everyone's opinions are really quite conflicting and I realised that ultimately, no matter what everyone else says, I have to decide for myself.
Well, suffice to say that I'm still pretty confused.
But at least I have all the pros and cons of each path mapped out for myself already.
This means that all I'm left with now is which option gives me the pros I want and less cons.
SIGH.

Enough said about that.
If you are woried about my lastest entry from late last night, don't.
It's just one of those common things I do and it's not important.
I'll get over it.
For almost one year, it has been happening but everytime, I get over it.
So I'm not gonna remove it, and neither am I gonna let myself be bothered about it.
As the saying goes: "Live and let live."
For 2 persons in a relationship,
the most crucial skill is that.
How well you can overlook and take in everything that will normally upset you,
will, at the end of the day, determine how well you handle the relationship.
And that, my dears, will determine whether it's happily ever after for you guys.
Or will it be kiss goodbye?
You decide.
Many a time,
you cannnot control what the other party does.
And neither can you chnage it.
You can only control what YOU do, in response to what he/she does.
I know it's getting confusing but I just mean that after what happen last night,
all those tears shed made me realise that if I really do want to make all this work out for the better, i have to start getting a grip on myself.
I need to learn how to give more than I take.
I need to learn how to bear in mind the fact that 'if he doesn't love me the way I want him to, it doesn't mean that he's not loving me with all he's got.'
I need to learn how to give broader benefits of the doubt.
I need to erase doubts from forming in my head.
I need to trust with all my heart.
Can I do that?
I hope I can... it'll be difficult cos trusting is not easy for me.
And because I love you, I'll try my very best.
But if trying is not good enough for you, I dunno what else to do.
Just remember that trying can result in success or failure.
Don't say I didn't try just because I failed.
I always thought I have given in my all over the past year...
But perhaps, it's just not enough... just not good enough...
I'll work harder...

For now,
I've got 2 exam papers to study for.
OB on Friday, and DPD next Wednesday.
I really have to work harder...
Here's my coursework grades so far:
DPD - B+
OB - B+
BusEnt - B+
now,
I'm left with Ticketing to ponder over.
Oh and French as well.
For French I'm not so worried...
Even if I don't get my distinction or A, I should be able to get a B+. but most likely to be an A. That's if Professeur J doesn't penalise my whole class for the culture quiz. And if Professeur A is fair about the Oral test. Sigh. Oh did I mention that Prof. J called me this afternoon? Got a shock of my life cos he doesn't even teach me and I barely know him. Does he know I have a crush on him? hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... hahaha... I hope not. Cos I DON'T. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about why he called... ask me in private if you wanna know. ;)
So yeah.
There you go.
I'm pretty happy with my course work grades this semester.
And that's why I need to work really really hard to try to achieve my As again.
I wanna pull up my GPA!
If I get all B+s this semester, this sem's GPA will be a 3.5.
Which means I have hope of pulling my present GPA of 3.2 closer to the NTU requirements...
hehe...
I want my As!!!
god bless me...
I've screwed up enough the past 2 semesters.
I wanna get back into the DHLs...
I wanna make my mum proud again.
I don't wanna live in the shadows of my brilliantly clever sister who will definitely be a top DHL student.
I am as good.
I will succeed!
argh.
(major self-consolation)
sigh.

gonna go to bed so I can put all my energy into studying tmw...
at TP.
I'm skipping my checkup for studying.
It better be worth it.
Ciao Ciao...

2006-08-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

ok. whatever i said in the last post about the person closest to me not wanting to listen to my troubles, was me being a bitch. apparently, i didnt realise that he was just scared of making comments and giving his comments and opinions. i'm sorry. it's my fault that i'm always moody. it's my fault that i snap at you whenever you try. i'm really sorry. i know you are saying right now that i'm not being sincere and i'm making things difficult. it's stupid and extreme actions i know. but it's something i wanna do. so i have a problem. so? accept it. or let it go. i truly am sorry.

2006-08-21T19:33:00.000+08:00

I haven't been so troubled for a long long time.
And it's about something I thought I was sure about since a long time ago.
My future after Poly.
Sigh.

I always thought that I'll definitely try joining SIA as a flight stewardess after I graduate,
earn enough and then see myself through my university education.
But now, as I grow older,
I'm beginning to doubt my abilities to settle down into piles of books after having enjoyed the high life of flying all over the world for the past 3-5 years.
I mean, like I mentioned in my previous entry, I know myself to not be the kind that can keep studying while working or after working, for that matter.

Ok, for those who are lost in my words of confusion, here's the lowdown on the whole situation i'm facing -
Firstly, from a personal standpoint.
I have had the dream of flying as an air stewardess since I was a little girl. It can be with any reputable airline, but the dreams grew with images of myself in a kebaya.
As I grew older through my teenage years, I became sure of the fact that I wanted a career where I can interact with people and not be cooped up in an office for the rest of my working life. Hence, I chose Hospitality and Tourism Management.

As I near graduation from my diploma course, I'm now once again at the crossroads.
Here's why: I have discovered that I want to pursue a career in Communications and to be able to succeed in that, I will need a degree at the very least.
I have a passion for languages and writing since young. So from there, journalism and publishing is a logical choice.
Also, I have a love for meeting people and being involved in events and working hands-on. So PR, marketing, events management would be a great option too.
And for all of the above, I have a single choice in Communications Studies at NTU.
Like I said yesterday, NTU is the only financially feasible option and a good one too...

But here's the headache:
I'm 19 this year.
I'll be 20 next year when I graduate, and that will also be my age when I start my degree studies (IF I can get into the course, given the strong competition, the chances are pretty slim).
As it is a direct honours degree course, it'll take me 4 years to complete the course. And because my modules from HTM are not directly related to communication studies, there are only a few subjects that I can transfer credits to. And that would mean even if I want to accelerate my studies, it's only one semester faster at most. Do I want that? I don't know yet.
So let's say I don't accelerate, I'll graduate when I'm about 24 years old.
If I still want to fulfil my childhood dream of flying, I'll be pretty old. 25? As Tian said, how am I going to be able to compete for a place with the pretty young things? Those who are 18? 19? 21?
Yes, it's true that with a degree in communications I can actually have a slight advantage and I can command a higher pay too. But that job is after all very much based on youth, vitality and beauty. Unless someone can tell me that a 25-year-old has an equal opportunity of getting the coveted job as a flight stewardess.
Sigh.

Suddenly I feel very old... and as if there's not enough time for me to do what I wanna do.
My second option is to go fly with SIA first, complete the bond (3 or 5 years maybe), then come back to do my degree.
Is it feasible?
I really don't know.
Do I really wanna go back to studying full-time at the age of what, 25?
Then how about if I really fulfill my wishes of getting married by 25 years old? Study full-time still? Not really possible.
And I'm not even thinking of a part-time degree because mostly are not recognised, and I won't be able to concentrate. Yes. I know myself too well.
Sigh
Everytime I ask Mummy about this, she uses herself as an example and says that if she can get her Bachelor's degree at the age of 40, why can't I?
Why should I waste my opportunity to fulfill my dream while I'm young and able?
But somehow, I feel that though it's true that there's no such thing as being too old to study, can I?
I mean, it will be difficult to study and work, and take care of a family at the same time.
If I can avoid the tough life for myself, why not?
Mummy had a very very tough time trying to finish her studies and I ask myself, do I wanna go through all that too?
This is one topic that I cannot seem to discuss with her...
She's discouraging me from studying cos she says that by the time I graduate from NTU, she would be very old(which is only 45 years old by the way) and the other reason is that she has always wanted me to be an air stewardess. Mainly because it's a dream that she gave up because of me when she was young. And among her 3 daughters, I'm the only one in whom she sees the possibility of her dreams being fulfilled.
Sigh.

I really do want to study.
I really do want to get my degree.
I know that whether it's sooner or later, I will.
It's a matter of whether it's sooner or later.
So so troubled.
And there's no one I can truly talk to about it.
No one to give me the advice I need.
The person I'm closest to, well, suffice to say he doesn't really seem interested in the problem. Or rather, he doesn't see why I'm troubled over it.
Sigh.
I've got responsibilities to my family...
I'm not the only reason for my existence.
If I am, I'd no longer be here.
Sigh.
I'll be back lar.

2006-08-20T21:13:00.000+08:00

ok.
now i'm pissed
i typed a really super duper long entry
but my comp hanged on me.
and the entry got lost before i could published it.
fuck it. (pardon my french)
shittified.
now i'm so not in the mood to re-type everything again.
here's a super short sumary.

friday -
KTV with shawn, gavin and joce...
according to shawn, it's the FIRE in action =)
haha...
we gotta do this again before SIP starts k?
i'll miss you guys...

then went to Tian's place for a double date session.
he bought me a sunflower... so sweet.
at least he remembered that i like sunflowers =)
thanks darling...
and the 2 guys cooked dinner for me and her while we watched Bring it on again...
spaghetti was good...
the muscato was nice...
and the atmosphere was sweet...
thanks dear...
i enjoyed myself...
and dude, i know you dont read this... but jia you!
haha...
really happy for you...
she's a very nice girl... treat her well yeah?
and hmmmm... as for the girl, i think you do read my blog once in awhile so i won't say anything to embarrass you =)
but he's a nice guy and i think you both look really sweet together... jiayou!

yesterday had SA meeting...
wont say much about it...
except that it's so stressful trying to keep it afloat...
i need support!
sigh.

today,
well
i slept till dinner time
so nothing to say about it...

i was actually surfing the internet for university education...
i've been thinking about it for awhile already...
and recently,
this is what's been stuck in my head -
since my results can put me in a local university, why should i turn away from it?
plus, with a degree, i can actually command a higher pay at SIA.
i even will have a higher chance of being accepted.
especially since what i'm really really interested in now is Communications Studies at NTU.
literature... well... my mum disapproves of it... and social sciences as well.
so the next best option is my interest in communications.
i believe i will be able to do well in that field...
journalism&publishing, or PR&marketing.
either one...
anyway, why a local university?
cos it's more affordable.
with NTU, i can get tuition grant from MOE.
and that will mean only about $6K per year... full amount is about 20K
that amount can also be covered with my Mum's CPF adequately...
so it'll be just like what i've been doing at TP...
using mum's CPF for my tuition fees,
and paying her back after graduation.
though i say wanna work first...
but i'm also aware of myself... that i tend to lose motivation to study after i start working.
especially if i start with being an air-stewardess.
i most probably will not go back to studying after that.
having said that,
i'm after all only a Poly grad.
so i'll apply for both NTU and SIA after graduation.
just in case NTU doesnt accept me.
seeing that i have strong competition from SP and NP's media and comms courses.
not to mention TP's CMM and JC grads
sigh.
we'll see how it goes...

before that however,
i've got 2 final exam papers to study for
and i need to really buck up.
i need to improve on my GPA!
sayang sayang... gimme motivation!
tmw... most probably studying at TP with Rozy, Cal and Tian.
hopefully we get things done...

lastly,
dear... i miss you...
once again, thank you for last friday...
i had a greeat time...
we should do it again k?
hope to see you tmw...
love ya...

2006-08-17T23:24:00.000+08:00

so high!
went to watch li sheng jie's (sam lee) campus concert with shawn this evening
was having 2 hearts about whether i wanted to go,
but i so dont regret my choice of going in the end
his voice is very good...
friendly, approachable, and no airs at all!
his songs happen to include some of my favorites
the peeps who go ktv with me often enough will probably know
chi xin jue dui
shou fang kai
and now, after tonight, there'll be at least 2 or 3 more i will wanna sing at ktv sessions!
woo-hoo~!
haha
and he shook my hand, smiled at me and he maintained the handshake for like 10 seconds!
hahahaha....
his not fantastic looking... but definitely better than in photos.
and he's a qualified swimming and tennis instructor...
very nice build
oh well
haha...
really really enjoyed myself
i like him now...
and oh did i mention he gave me his signature!
haha...
now now people,
dont be jealous.
actually, i think some of you might think i'm bonkers and that there's nothing fantastic about him.
but it's difficult to explain la...
if you were there tonight,
i bet you will be taken over by his passion, friendliness and singing skills.
he's more like.. macho but friendly at the same time.
so yeah...
haha
okok... shall stop gushing

hmm... ktv tmw
gavin, be prepared to listen to alot of his songs!
i'm super motivated to sing his songs now...
haha...
night time going on a double-date.
hopefully everything goes smoothly =)
ok.
gotta go...
nitez all!

2006-08-15T19:16:00.000+08:00

had a argument/debate this morning with mum
she asked me what i'd pursue if i had a chance to go university
and i told her definitely not hospi or tourism.
then she started her lecture on why i want to pursue unrealistic stuff like mass comm, social sciences or literature.
"u cant survive and feed yourself with interests." she said.
grrr
couldnt get it into her that i dont wanna spend my whole life working and working for something i'm not happy with, trying to make ends meet and living my whole life in misery.
sigh
i dunno what to say now.
it's an argument that will go on for a long long time to come.
luckily i already know what i'll do after my graduation next year,
if not i'll be in for more nagging.
haha...

unhappy day.
nothing went well
tired
not feeling very well
sigh
but still, happy 11th month dear.
that's from the first time we got together last year.
sigh
time flies.
i'm so tired.
gotta go...
bye all...

2006-08-13T15:38:00.000+08:00

the person i said yes to is tian.
yes, this is so that people got no more questions marks in their mind about it.
haha
caiyun and bel bel, this is for you =)
kidding kidding...

yes, i'm back with him.
why?
cos i believe that everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
just like mummy gave daddy so many second chances,
i felt that he deserved a chance to prove himself at the very least
at least i'd know that i've tried my best...

dear,
you know i've always loved you
and i still do.
the whole world might not agree to it, but heck, it's my love life.
just dont prove me wrong alright?
i've told you before that i've never believed in break-patch relationships
this is the 2nd time we are patching back after a break-up.
i hope it'll be the last.
i hope james is wrong this time... that i'm not stupid to try again, to believe again.
please dont let me down again...
i love you.

to you,
i can sense your disappointments.
i can only say i'm sorry...
your place in my heart and my life is irreplaceable no matter what...
please believe that...
and i hope you really know the reason why i made the choice that i made.
please take good care of yourself...
and believe in yourself.

2006-08-12T00:29:00.000+08:00

i hate public buses.
period
argh
this was what happened -
i wanted to relax on my way home after a day out with tian
so i decided to take the express 518 bus back from orchard.
didnt wanna waste money on taxi.
i boarded the bus at Plaza Sinagpura at about 9.45 pm
and i reached home at 11.43 pm
do your freaking math.
it was fucking 2 hours on that bus!
the usual time it takes on the same journey is 1 hour.
fuck
if there were seats, and there were less people,
i dont care
i'd just sleep
but it was jam-packed like a sardine can
and i didnt have a seat
for 2 whole fucking hours
i was in heels, mini skirt, and had to balance on the bus
fuck
i felt like i was about to freaking suffocate cos of the lack of oxygen
too many people in that little confined space fighting for such a limited supply of O2
argh
and the inconsiderate creatures of singapore just got on my nerves all the more
this fat auntie and middle aged uncle
squeezed up the bus from the exit.
like WTF?!?!?!
already no space and u still squeeze like that?
and the exit side cannot tap ez-link card for entry.
means they fucking hell took a free ride!
freak shit.
argh
what's wrong with these people?!?!
so,
being the bitch that i am,
i bitched on the phone to tian when he called.
like "fucking hell, i hate inconsiderate people. like the auntie standing behind me? she squeezed her big fat ass on the bus from the exit door. like wadehell lar! she's taking a free ride lor. fuck her lar"
i'm feeling bitchy
majorly bitchy
fuck
and the reason for all this?
FIREWORKS at Marina Bay.
display by new caledonia
fuck
s'poreans are like super deprived.
like never see fireworks before lar
make me lose 1 hour of precious time in that damned traffic jam on the ECP.
WARNING:
do not go near the roads leading to and from the Marina Bay area tomorrow. because there will be a display by France.
last one.
and its a saturday.
so expect a worse jam.
i'll be a good girl and stay home.
shittified.

okok
i've bitched enough...
sigh
i'm so damn tired
and tmw 10am got SIP launch in school
have i told you that my LO is Z**** W**?
yeah i have.
FUCK.
ok
i've bitched enough
time to go to lalaland and hope a kindhearted angel can take away my bitchiness
sorry for polluting your eyesight dear friends
i'm going now...

oh and btw,
missed ktv today cos shawn couldnt make it
it's ok
but better have a make-up session soon...
i'm craving singing massively...
=D
cya tmw in school!

nitey all...
buonaserra
bonne nuit
oyasumi

2006-08-09T16:05:00.000+08:00

well,
i said yes.
and so, that means i've taken another jump into that abyss again.
i know many people dont think its a wise choice
but i've got to do it for myself
friends out there,
please wish me happiness
i need all the support i can get
and to the ones who gave me support the past few weeks and months:

rozy, i love you.
i know you'll be supporting me no matter what choice i make
and that you'll always be there
thank you so much...
so many things have happened and i wont know what i could have done without you around.

gavin, shawn and gang,
thank you for listening to all my troubles every week (for shawn, almost everyday)
haha
and rest assured that i will not sacrifice you guys for him
we'll still have weekly kopitiam sessions ok?
i aim to achieve a balance between friends and him...
haha...
thanks alot again...

to everyone else that i dont have time to mention,
thank you nonetheless...

national day today
and it gave me excuse to sleep till 4pm in the afternoon
but more likely to be because i'm sick
yeah i am...
my throat feels weird
i'm beginning to burn up
i'm all giddy
and i ache all over...
sigh
hope i recover in time for bowling and ktv
and hope it doesnt make a turn for the worse cos i've got french speaking test tmw...
i dont wanna lose my voice!
sigh...
pray for me that i get well soon...

gotta go... catch up soon!

2006-08-08T18:42:00.000+08:00

in school now
just finished ticketing test awhile ago
and i'm so so screwed
this time, i studied
i went for classes
but
sucks big time
spent too much time on the easier questions
and sacrificed the 20mark question at the back
shit
i'm so screwed lar
sigh
i hope i can at least get a C grade
next test, i'll make sure i study really really hard for it
bless me

now,
still in school's comp lab
waiting for tian to finish practising his amadeus
then we'll go for dinner
hungry hungry...
hurry up!

i'm still aching all over from yesterday
and tmw is national day!
dunno what to do...
probably spend the day studying for French test
thursday - bowling in the afternoon followed by french test in school
friday - no school, kbox! clementi again ^_^
so excited!
and i desprerately need to go shopping...
but, i'll need a kind sponsor.
any kind souls out there wanna sponsor my shopping spree?
minimum amount......... $1000
muahahaha

ok.
as u can all see
i'm bored
i'm tired
and i'm sick and tired of amadeus

and my liaison officer for SIP is......
MS ***** ***.
like...erm....ok.
rozy! haha... i can imagine u cursing and swearing
haha
and we both are the only ones at Treetops!
it's a world to ourselves...
muahaha...
i have you all to myself...
aren't you happy?
=p
muahahaha

ok...
i'll continue tonight...
ciao ciao!

2006-08-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

this morning,
managed to complete my BE reflections only at 4.30am
and because of early 9am lecture,
i survived on 2 hours of sleep the whole day
the amazing thing is that i went to play about 2 plus hours of squash and badminto with gavin, shawn, cal and siok after school
haha
and i worked up a stunning amount of sweat
the last time i worked out so hard was a long long time ago
missed the feeling alot
guys, we should do this again really really soon ok?
then headed home to pick drago up from school...
so so tired
tmw,
got ticketing&reservations test at 3pm
but i have to be in school early in the morning to print out the remaining bits of my BE reflections, file and submit them
so yeah... can't sleep in still
can use the in between time to study too i guess...
havent studied yet
i know i promised to study hard and work really really hard for this test
but i've really been so so busy...
i hope i wont get punished for that...
hmmm
sigh.

you said you are ready
but just the day before you said you were not...
i'm happy... over the moon... to know that you're ready to accept me again too
but...
there's that nagging doubt that i wanna erase but can't seem to
i want to trust you...
but with the things that happened over the past few days,
i dunno what to do
maybe i'm just reading too much into the smallest things
but that's just who i am.
i'll be waiting for the time to truly come...
i want to give our love another chance...
it's the least it deserves

2006-08-06T15:36:00.000+08:00

had a long, lazy and tiring day yesterday
morning,
had to report to RITS to help SJCC with restaurant service
it was the annual Tabasco HotChef Challenge competition
supposed to reach at 10am
but was about 5mins late
cos there was some event going on in sentosa
took me a whole hour to get to TAS from harbourfront
ended up walking to TAS from the VAC
grrr
i hate slopes!
anyway,
team from Marina Mandarin won the 1st prize
team Les Saints, consisting of Alexander Barry Boey (hah!), Trevor & Nickson came in second
and i cant remember who got 3rd
anyway CONGRATS to ALEX!!!!
i know how badly he wanted to win this
and how happy he is right now...
and to Team October,
you guys did well enough... impressed me at least =)
tian,
i'm proud of you...
at least you tried your best and worked hard for it...
you'll get what you deserve one day...
dont be silly to give up on your culinary dreams...

went to Gavin's house after the event ended.
tian's mum sent me to buona vista mrt
and Gavin picked me up from Boon Lay mrt
haha
i think i'm getting quite spoiled
getting chauffeured around
i cant imagine a world without cars now...
haha
at Gav's place, we chilled out...
like really slack and laze around
then Shawn and Gav got hooked onto recording their own singing on his comp
and replaying them
haha
so amusing
and i think they make real good lullabye singers
cos me and Shi Hui fell fast asleep on Gav's bed
till the sun went down at 7pm
then we woke up
and decided to leave so that the lovebirds can enjoy some privacy

took a cab down to his place,
and shawn took a bus back from there...
walked to jelita to eat dinner...
had sandwiches at o'briens...
quite nice...
but prices quite steep
then went video ezy to rent dvds to watch at home
i wanted light-hearted stuff so rented monster-in-law and rumor has it
without realising that we've already watched rumor has it before
grrr
so ended up watching on monster-in-law only...
but enjoyed myself all the same...
i like lazing around, watching tv and just chilling out...
then took a cab home just around before midnight...

well,
i really enjoyed myself with you...
and honestly to say,
i missed the times we shared in the past
like when we shared modesto's at home while watching love actually on HBO...
the feeling is still there...
but last night,
i felt something else... anticipation
the only reason i was there,
was to make clear to you that i'm ready to take that plunge...
but now,
seems like we still have to wait...
if time's what you need,
i'll let you have it
this time, the ball's in your court.
it was in mine till last night when i returned it to your side...
all i can say now -
yes the disappointment is there.
but if it's for the best, then ok... i accept it.
but dont wait too long...
cos like you keep telling me,
when the chance is gone,
it's gone forever...
and may never come back...

2006-08-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

i'm finally home
after a long long day
finished all projects finally...
DPD presentation this morning at 9am
then waited for gavin in school with cal,
after which gavin drove me home to change out of my formal clothes.
then went back to school to pick tat ming, followed by alvin at tampines central
drove all the way to jurong east for lunch, during which our dear uncle alvin went to see a doctor and got diagnosed with food poisoning
so poor thing
tsk tsk
haha
so after lunch, we went to Chevrons to bowl
played the worst games of my life
so not used to the ball,
and the lanes were too slippery
me and gavin were cursing and swearing
haha
6plus, we headed to jurong point
for what?
maximum tune again
haha
car racing...
i know
i know
so not me...
but i have to admit that it is kinda fun
and being out with the whole group of them was satisfying...
just what i needed
but there were a tad too many people around so couldnt really say much also
plus gavin met up with his girl
so didnt wanna be too bright a lightbulb ah...
haha
i really enjoyed myself the whole day...
so thanks guys...
let's do this more often...
i think gavin also felt that today's session wasnt very fulfilling too
so,
we're gonna have another 'kopitiam' session tmw!
yay!

anyway,
tmw morning have to go TAS to do service for the Hot Chef challenge
reporting there by 10am
grrr
so tired...
probably will meet gavin and shawn in the afternoon after my event
they gonna go play basketball before that
i also wanna play!!!
haha
oh well

and before i forget,
here's a special thanks to alvin.
he sent me all the way home in the cab...
though he was supposed to alight before me...
so gentlemanly
hahahaha
or in his words, 'uncle'.
muahaha
so ex lar the cab fare...
so thanks alvin!
i owe you one
=)

ok i'm going to bed... updates tmw!
sweet dreams to the world...

2006-08-03T20:17:00.000+08:00

tired.
sigh
what to say?
had a really long and meaningful talk with shawn and joce
and all i can say is:
xiao mei... jia you wor!
i know how you must be feeling now
and all i can say is you will find your true happiness some day
we all will =)

after she left for class,
we continued our conversation
and the same frustrating thoughts keep circling in my mind
i dunno if i should really take that plunge
sigh
it's gonna make me drown myself in sorrows again
i need enlightenment

i want to be able to be happy
i want to be loved
but then again... i AM loved.
so what am i turning away from?
sigh
i want to love you with all my heart...
are you the 'you' i can love happily and without regrets?
tell me...
so that i can know what to do...

here's some details about UNLV in S'pore
if you dont already know,
i was involved in the UNLV grand opening ceremony yesterday
at NLB 10th & 11th flr
they are offering certificate courses,
bachelor's undergrad degrees,
and master's degrees.
all in hotel management, specialising in hospitality management.
most important for most of us,
it's the bachelor's degree.
3 year course
total of $69,450 for 3 years
and yes,
credit transfer is possible.
but dont think that with credit transfer,
you can finish your course faster and hence save some of the school fees.
cos for UNLV S'p,
it just means you can take lesser subjects each semester.
but you STILL HAVE TO do it over 3 years.
am i making sense?
so yeah.
that's the diff between UNLV and most other universities
and also,
first intake = 20 students.
subsequent intakes, not more than 50.
fantastic?
think again.
with the same amount, you can take 2 separate degree courses in local unis like NUS, NTU and SMU.
think twice and do your thorough research before deciding k people?

not me.
for sure.
i'm done with studying about H&T.
gimme something like social sciences or literature
haha
really
seriously.

i'm tired...
i need to sleep...

2006-08-03T09:32:00.000+08:00

it's 9.47 am
so early!
grrr
i think it's one of the first time i'm blogging so early
i'm trying desperately to stay awake
hangover
was at devil's bar last night cos my da-ge(cousin) dragged me
sigh
and i was made to drink by his friends, who are also friends of my dad
they all know each other la
but thank goodness dad wasnt there
haha
reached home at about 2.30am
all red from drinking and dad wasnt home yet
phew~!
showered and plonked right into bed and fell fast asleep
was about 3am then
and i woke up at 6.30
cos my alarm rang
no choice
and the stupidest thing?
my class is only at 4pm
and i'm in school so early for stupid group meeting
i wanna sleep!!!
and my hangover is killing me.
this sucks.
they better get things done and use up all my time properly
or not i'll just faint and die here
and cos of my stupid hangover, i'm in shorts and polo-tee in school
amazing rite?!
the usually dressy me, now so slack
tomorrow's DPD presentation
then it's all over!
left with my reflections portfolio to rush out over the weekend,
french speaking test,
ticketing test,
then blah blah blah - exams!
!#$%$$#%#&#$
grrrr
sorry
i'm killing all my readers with my crap
but i'm desperately trying to stay awake.
save me!!!!

2006-08-01T20:35:00.000+08:00

stay happy?
well in order for me to stay happy, i have to first be happy
how else can i stay happy right?
and well, it's true that i do have people around for me
but everyone still needs that special someone
dont you?
if not, you also have alot of friends around you who'll be there for you right?
and rest assured that you'll never be un-needed
sigh
though you say that everyone likes me there,
but i really dont know
sigh
nevertheless,
every moment we shared will be cherished and you'll always be on my mind
the downs... i'll learn for sure...
but my next love?
i doubt...
i dont know when a next love can come around for me
i miss you lots too
i'm sorry i had to make the choice i made
and i also thank you for respecting my choice
only time can tell...

during the past few months of singlehood
i've renewed and redeveloped some friendships that i know i'll treasure so much
people like shawn and gavin, among others of course... you know who you are =)
that's the only good thing about my new status i guess
i initially thought that with no relationship to distract me and take up my time,
i'll be able to spend more time on my studies and at least try to raise my GPA from last semester's dismal results.
but alas,
all i've succeeded in doing is further distract myself,
from all my crazy and confusing thoughts.
till now,
i cant say my results are improving much
i cant say i'm putting more efforts into my studies
for example,
my business enterprise reflections are due on monday
and i havent even started
pro right?
grr
sigh
someone give me motivation to work hard
please
i need someone to motivate me
gimme a purpose in life.
sigh
the only thing driving me now is the fact that school's coming to an end
and i so wanna get outta TP
oh well
last lap
jia you!
and to all my fellow HTM-ers, jia you too!
we'll all make it together...

this morning
i woke up pretty early
considering that i only have to be in school at 2pm for a project meeting
i woke up at 8 plus am
that's despite falling asleep only at 3 or 4am in the morning
and i lay in bed,
thinking of alot of stuff
some people
and other kinda stuff
hmm...
sigh
so tired now
but still want to watch CSI later

well
everything at home seems fine
except that i can sense the first fallout between chloe and parents
all because she's in love with rockclimbing
and she's extremely talented at it too!
her seniors say she's the strongest freshie of all
plus her first competition she got 10th place
fantastic achievement if you ask me
she's barely been training for 2 months or so
but mum and dad, as always,
forbids that
mum says "i dont like her to do rockclimbing" period.
so cruel
and that's just cos she's not as ladylike as you'd like your daughter to be
well at least find consolation in the fact that she still wear skirts and boys still go after her
her life is not yours
it's hers
its what she's happiest doing
so why deprive her?
by forcing her to quit, by discouraging her, by scolding her,
you're only gonna mke her run away
sooner or later, she'll hate coming home
it happened with me before
why cant you learn your lessons?
if she's neglecting her studies then fine
but she's not!
in fact she's doing so super well!
she topped her class in 4 subjects out of 5 this past mid semester tests
not enough?
she got full marks for her maths paper too
still not enough?
i really dunno what you expect of us...
give the girl a break
she loves what she's doing, let her do it.
seriously.
sigh
i rest my case for now
dont push your luck.
period.

sigh
CSI starting...
i should get going
been stuck on this page all evening...
bye guys... be back tmw

2006-07-31T14:19:00.000+08:00

feels so good to be back to blogging
but sadly, i'm in school and not comfy in my bed
here's why
my internet subscription at home got terminated over the weekend
cos never pay bill lar
so i'm like so empty
cant blog
cant check email
cant send email
cant check for announcements
cant chat with friends
cant read blogs
cant do research for my reflections
cant even download the format for my reflection paper from OLE-BB
grrrr
the inconveniences of technology

anyway,
last night i felt the strong need to blog
but cos got no internet,
i had to settle for my dear diary
meaning, the old-fashioned way of writing
like i used to do
ha-ha
and guess what?
i wrote 10 whole pages
muahaha
guess this is what i mean by a diary is so much more private
can reveal more stuff
but only for myself
maybe i might consider posting bits of it
but see how lar
lazy to type all out
anyway,
i'm gonna find time to print out my 162 posts on blogger
so that i can have a safe hard copy to keep by my side
who knows when the world wide web will one day decide to shut itself down?
then there goes my memories
cannot!
i treasure all my entries.
haha
lame i know.
oh well
and plus my other blog that has erm i think 2 entries?
so that'll be a total of 164 entries
amazing huh?
haha
hmm

oh and happy birthday to YK!
your birthday's on 1 august
which is tmw
but i scared tmw dont get to blog
so yeah
but anyway i know you're in camp now
training to be a police
haha
tsk tsk tsk
what a threat to the society
anyway, hope you'll read this during the weekend you're home
and stop saying i forgotten about you
=p
anyway, happy to hear that you are back with her
you have my blessings
*hugs*

what now?
i hate blogging in school
no mood
grrr

oh
hope presentation went well for you today
saw you this morning but didnt wanna disturb you and your group's meeting
take care

hmm
and to you 'down under'!
haha
stop saying i dont mention you on my blog
you know very well i do
i just dont do it blatantly
you should be able to read in between my lines by now rite?
anyway
take good care of yourself
miss you loads!

rozy sayang...
projects are almost over
hang in there!
and please find some time for me?
i miss you like crazy
and there's so much to catch up between us...

edna!
glad you msged me today
hope to meet up with ya soon!
oh and kelvin (our 'brother') called me
haha
random, i know
:P

i miss working in long bar...
sigh

school is getting uber boring
i'm so sian of school
i wanna get out of this stifling cage!

and i miss you...
(if you think it's you, then it's you. dont think so much)

2006-07-29T22:51:00.000+08:00

i just realised that i've been slacking my weekends away
sigh
went for facial this morning cos my forehead was filled with pimples
couldnt stand it any longer
after i got home,
came online for awhile
then fell asleep on my bed
all i can blame is myself cos i put my laptop on my bedside
so whenever i use it, i'm basically just sitting on my bed
so yeah
maybe that's why i cant seem to get much work done like that
oh well

on thursday,
bobby, my headwaiter from long bar called
it was 4 plus in the afternoon
and he asked me if i could go to work
at about 6pm
ha-ha
what a joke
are they really so desperate?
so much so that they have to call me even though i've already resigned?
then i heard that they are running really low on manpower
in the past when i was there,
each night had at least 8 service staff or more
now,
at most 5 or 6
so pathetic
but i turned him down
for a couple of reasons
one, i had a movie date already
two, i'm not one who'd make u-turns and go back to places i've already quit unless i really want to (if i'm a u-turn person, i'd be back at pan pacific by now. they've called me countless times.)
three, there are people i dont wanna have to face there
four, i dont wanna go throught the hassle of applying for the retarded casual labour pass that is so troublesome and annoyin'
lastly,
going back there will bring back memories i no longer wanna be reminded of
so yeah
there you go.

sigh
it's still the 29th
and i cant overcome my own personal barrier
i think there's only one or maybe two persons who really know what i mean by my personal barrier
after so long,
i cannot even bring myself to think about it
i tried
i really tried very hard
but i just cant
the guilt is so great
the fear is so real
i dunno what to do about it
except hope that time can ease the pain and lessen the trauma

come back to me someday baby...
i'm waiting...
and i dont wanna wait too long.

2006-07-29T02:50:00.000+08:00

wee~!
just came home from a whole day of fun and enjoyment
first and foremost,
The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift is amazing!
exhilarating
exciting
adrenaline pumping
touching
sexy
and i cannot think of any more words to describe my experience in the cinema
the cinematography was fantastic to say the least
and dont even dream of comparing the drifting scenes to Initial D.
no fight at all.
TFTF wins. hands down.
drifting is super cool
oh so uber cool
haha
i'm drooling
not the cos of the guys.
but cos of the girls. and the boy-toys (cars i mean)
hah.
anyway
i intend to watch again
any takers?
i really do wanna watch it again
hmmm... we'll see.

was late in meeting my cousins and sisters cos the freaking train ride from boon lay to tampines took a whole hour
reached only at about 12mn
when the movie was slated to start at 1150pm
lucky for the ever-famous GV commercials
made it juuuuuust in time
didnt miss a single minute, didnt have to watch a single minute of commercial either
power~
haha

oh ask me what i was doing in boon lay?
i was at the jurong point arcade with gavin and shawn
doing what?
let's just say maximum tune
haha
if you dont already know, it's a car racing sorta game
i wont go into details about my sense of satisfaction
cos shawn will kill me
*winkz*
hahahaha
but it was fun.... at least i didnt feel bored at all
maybe you guys are right...
i have the talent
hahahaha
but i still think i was very very lucky
you guys still rock =)

met gavin and shawn at clementi in the afternoon to go to kbox
as usual,
it was fun fun fun
the 3 of us were like uber high
haha
like our own mini concert sia
standing on the sofa,
singing and jumping around
an amazingly effective stress reliever

went to jurong west to eat sambal stingray after ktv
it was nice...
3 of us ate 2 servings of sambal stingray with rice
quite satisfying actually
haha
thanks to gavin
what happened after dinner, as they say, is history
hahahaha
what sia.

so, what's next on our itinerary?
bowling?
more ktv?
badminton?
and i still looking for tennis kaki
wait wait...
bowling priority place k?
i crave bowling...

i'm sleepy
and i'm still riding on a high

or am i just trying to avoid the short sharp stabs of pain that today's date gives me?
the same day 2 months ago
29th may.
a day i'll always remember
a day i never will allow myself to forget.
no-one knows it but me.

baby,
i miss you
so much
i pray for you
to be happy wherever you may be
i dream of the day i can make it all up to you
make up for the foolish mistake that cost me and you so much

2006-07-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

sigh
should i say i'm sorry for what happened just now?

went to watch The Lakehouse
the show was fantastic
as is any show with either Sandra Bullock or Keanu Reeves
the storyline was indeed very heart-warming
and i'm glad there was a happy ending
the love between Alex and Kate could wait...
and it could endure all the tests thrown their way
why?
only because they had a love so true and so pure...
just like the verse from Jane Austen's Persuasion that was read out,
they shared the same tastes, the same love, the same beliefs.
something along those lines at least.
can that possibly be the case in real life?
can there be love so patient and undying?
can there be love so devotedly constant?

the company was sort of right
but the feeling wasnt
i wanted it to be
but why is it not?
i could tell you were maybe disappointed
or something like that
but i can only say i'm sorry
as for what happened towards the end of the movie,
i also sincerely apologise
i just got really frustrated at the whole situation with massive event next week
and there i was seeking your help,
you couldnt make up your mind.
yes is yes, no is no
why make my life miserable?
as it is, i'm already having a big fat headache about it
and i promised Iggy to give him the confirmed names by tmw
and i was actually hoping you could gimme an answer quick so that i can get started on my task of searching for manpower
i apologise for not being able to keep my emotions in check
sigh

sometimes i dunno why i try so hard
when no matter how hard i try
it doesnt seem to yield any results
ok, maybe to you, i dont seem to be putting any efforts at all
but to others who know about the internal emotional war that i'm fighting with myself now,
it's clear
sigh
why do i even bother?

yes
i enjoyed myself out with ya just now
most of the time at least
but can i say i'm truly happy?
i dunno
i honestly dunno
maybe it's the fault of circumstances
but i dunno what to do about it

i wanna find my true love too
the one that belongs only to me
the true love that can weather through all storms with me
but...
as the days pass,
i'm losing hope
as my email address says: fallen angel, disillusioned soul.
if you dont already know, that's me.

on a brighter note
DPD project has been submitted!
phew... huge sigh of relief there
and ktv tmw... plus movie with cousins
ok i know i've mentioned it all already
but i'm still excited!
*giggles and grins*

i'm tired
so very very tired
i need to get some sleep
but would it just be like other recent nights?
tossing and turning for hours on end
till the dawn threatens to break...
only then can i fall fitfully into interrupted slumber
i really need to rest
can you tell?

2006-07-27T01:01:00.000+08:00

yay!
da-ge asked me out!
haha
to watch The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
muahaha
but it's not gonna be a private 'date'
er-ge, chloe and chantal will be coming too
tsk tsk tsk
lightbulbs
bleah
*knocks myself on my head*
wadehell am i talking about? incest ah. grrr. we got same surname lor.
bleah
but he's such a great brother
so sweet
midnight show... so i guess still can go chill with shawn and gavin
after ktv i mean
like the last time!
i'm so looking forward to friday now.
1, KTV!!!
2, movie date with my beloved cousins and sisters!!!
3, DPD submission!!!
woo-hoo!
supposed to worry about other stuff
but i think i'll make myself dropped all other stressful thought just for that one day
it's gonna be fantabulous!
weee~!!!

gtg sleep...
buona notte!

oh and good luck Shawn!!! for your driving test.... i'm waiting to celebrate for you!

2006-07-26T21:03:00.000+08:00

spent the whole day at home today
supposed to go for CSR seminar
but felt like dying when i woke up this morning
head pain and spinning
limbs weak
hands shivering and shaky
so i plopped right back into my bed
and slept till 2pm in the afternoon
decided that i had to get started on my french project
and DPD now have to do executive summary
sigh
i'm not really feeling any better
but oh well
what to do?
i still need to go back to DPD to do executive summary
gotta be done by tonight
just pray that french won't screw up
sigh

am i feeling any better?
i can't say i am
i still wanna watch the lakehouse with a special someone
but will i get the chance?
do i want that chance?
if i get it, will i take it?
i'm actually rather happy with leading my life as it is now...
i can go out with my friends whenever i wish
i can go out with my cousin whenever he asks me to
there's no one i need to report to and account to
but when the night falls
and when all falls silent around me
the loneliness sets in
and i miss him so much
sigh
oh well
gtg
ciao ciao

2006-07-25T21:15:00.000+08:00

had business enterprise presentation today
it was ok
not fantastic
but we were relieved at the end of it
before i go on,
i'd like to apologise to all my groupmates
i realised that i made quite a number of mistakes in the report that i submitted
though it's too late for regrets now
but i'd like to say that i really am sorry
if my mistakes cause the group to lose precious marks,
i dunno what i can do,
but i'm just sorry
sigh

went to intercontinental hotel for a seminar on corporate social responsibility in travel and hospitality today
it was pretty insightful
but i'm just disappointed that i had to leave early
and miss the most interesting part of the seminar...
tmw, no school
means i'll probably be there the whole day
hopefully it's not boring
haha

friday...
ktv!
with gavin and shawn
haha
can't wait...
so many songs i wanna sing
grrr
haha
gavin, you better not pang-seh us wor
tsk tsk tsk
haha
oh well

exam timetable's out
25th august & 30th august
bleah
so far apart
rozy sayang... we go study together?
*muackz*

was actually in a pretty good mood after presentation at 1pm this afternoon
tired. exhausted. lethargic.
but still happy nonetheless cos main projects are almost over
but seeing you,
i was sent right back to gloom-land
not cos i dont wanna see you
but cos i cant say anything to you
i dont even know if i should acknowledge you
it hurts
truly
but i guess it's my own doing
i have no one else to blame but myself
it's difficult for everyone to understand
and perhaps even you cant understand
or maybe you understand... u just cant accept
is that it?
sigh
it hurts to see you and pretend not to see you
especially upon seeing my fellow groupmate seem to rise to heaven when she saw her 'him'
sigh
at the exact same moment,
we drifted off to our own little world...
and they are worlds apart
one's called happiness
one's called desolation
what am i to do?
i really wanna walk away
but i cant
why?
why?
why?
argh

sometimes,
i really think i wanna run away from my life
isnt it the simplest way out?
the easiest solution?
no doubt the most cowardly
but when i'm not around, i wont be able to hear what others say about me
right?

last night,
gave up my comfy bed for my dear brother cos he said he want to sleep my bed
so,
i slept on the floor
and that made my sinus problem worse
and gave me the most horrible of headaches for the whole day
till now
hopefully tonight he stays put in his bed
now, 3 of us are sleeping in the same room
the room that is already too small for 2 grown up girls,
now has to accomodate the little master of the house
so from now on,
cannot study late into the night in the room with music and lights on
cannot talk late into the night freely on the phone
cannot turn on the light when i wake up early in the morning
can't even do my makeup properly
argh
sacrifices
and every so often at night,
have to wake up and make sure that 'his royal highness' is well-covered with his blanket
cos kids like him, love kicking the blanket off himself
grrr
annoying
and have to keep my ears tuned for his calls,
in case he's thirsty and what not
even in my sleep
no matter how tired i am
sigh
and he snores!
goodness
now i have to bear with 2 persons snores
used to be just one
okok
i know i'm lamenting and bitching like crazy
but ultimately,
i still love him
*snickers*

read through some of your old blog entries
just for the sake of it
and for the sake of old times
and i realised something...
entries had names of everyone else but me
september 2005
was an important month
and there was nothing
was there?
actually... come to think of it... i think there was
but...
guess you removed it
shant question it...
details of what movies you watched with others
but none where it mattered
only negative posts had me as a subject
i wonder why
oh well
what's past is past i guess
something i'll never do is remove my memories
or pretend they dont exist
i treasure all of it
so so much
sigh
we're just different... arent we?

i wish you happiness.
ignore me please.

2006-07-24T21:11:00.000+08:00

one down, two more to go
had Organisational Behavior project presentation today
tomorrow, it's business enterprise
sigh
and the next 2 days, i've got a seminar to attend
should i miss ticketing&reservation class for the seminar?
i'll be then missing the session on Eco-tourism,
as well as one on The Importance of Tourism & the Need for Sustainable Growth
well,
i did a presentation on these 2 topics just last friday
grrr
should i go for it and boost my knowledge?
or go for ticketing&reservations class?
next week got another test for it...
and i swore to do my best and work hard for it
tmw's lesson should be rather important
should i?
or should i not?
argh
headache
life is indeed full of choices
and every choice is as tough as the other
sigh
i think i'm gonna lose sleep again tonight
just like i have the past week
grrr
i can't seem to sleep every night
and it's affecting me in everyway
my throat is gving me trouble
my eyes are tearing constantly and blurring my vision
i cant concentrate on anything
and i got a hell lotta work to do that i cant seem to get started on
sigh
so much on my mind
you, you, you and more you.
i hate it
why cant i make my life be about me?
why?
why is it so impossible?

i miss you...

2006-07-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

went to east coast park for dinner today
with mum, dad, chloe, chantal & drago.
all that was on my mind was the last time i went to east coast park
and that was with you.
rollerblading, cycling and chilling
the times we spent
were heavenly and will be remembered
our first and only seaside sunset was there
and it's a picture that will be etched deep in my mind for a long long time to come.
the whole duration of the dinner,
that was all that was on my mind
like the Jay Chou song,
i wanna return to the past
try to keep you in my embrace
but like you said,
i wore you out...
and i dont wanna continue doing so
sorry for everything

it's amazing how these adults can act the way they do
one moment, they are cuddling and making out with other men at a club.
the next, they are playing frisbee at the beach with their husbands and children
they dont even show a hint of guilt when they come face to face with one of those other men
i have no idea how they do it
i don't think i ever can make myself do it.
oh well
--------------------------------------------
here's a short piece of poetry written for me by my dear friend shawn:

sometimes in life we encounter stuff, that make us feel that we've had enuf.
these phases whether gd or bad, we shouldn't really feel so sad.
there'll always be a better tomorrow, we must not drown ourselves in sorrow.
remember all the gd times spent, because they're all actually god-sent.

thank you so much
it's really sweet of you and i appreciate it =)
--------------------------------------------

i've got a really really busy week coming up
hope i can get through it unscathed

someone save me from my disillusioned world...

2006-07-23T15:15:00.000+08:00

Something Like You

So many times
I thought I held it in my hands
But just like grains of sand
Love slipped through my fingers

So many nights
I asked the Lord above
Please make me lucky enough
To find a love that lingers

Something keeps telling me
That you could be my answered prayer
You must be heaven sent
I swear

Cause something happens when you look at me
I forget to speak
Something happens when you kiss my mouth
My knees get so weak
Could it be true this is what God has meant for me
Cos baby I can't believe
That something like you
Could happen to me
Something like you

In your eyes
I feel your fire burn (feel your fire)
All your secrets I will learn
Even if it takes forever

With you by my side
I can do anything (can do anything)
I don't care what tomorrow brings
As long as we're together

My heart is telling me
That you could be my meant to be
I know it more each time we touch

Something magical
Something spiritual
Something stronger than the 2 of us alone
Something physical
Something undeniable
Nothing like anything
That I've ever known
--------------------------------------------

once upon a time,
that was how i felt
but oh how wrong was i
it was never meant to be
a mistake right from the beginning
a naive thought on my part...
then, it was indeed magical
but feelings can be deceiving at times
they do not mirror the truth and the reality
the weak knees, are mere illusions
my answered prayers were even greater illusions
all it did was make me fall
so hard..
harder than i ever have before.
everytime i think of you
i think of everything
the good & the bad
the forgettable & the unforgettable
the magical & the disillusional
the spiritual & the physical
i was wrong
but i don't know what i was wrong about
is it really a crime to love?
if so, i have been duly punished.
the prosecution should rest its case now.

2006-07-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

i hate myself for being so weak
i hate my tears for not listening to me
why am i crying again?
what for?
what's the point?
does it help anything?
but...
i can't help it...
i think my dark eye rings are not from getting not enough sleep
it's probably from crying too much and rubbing too hard when i wipe the tears off

i really hate to quarrel with you
it really hurts
everytime we speak,
i cry
why?
why is it i have to love you so much?
if i don't, it wouldnt hurt
and i'd be numb to all this pain
wouldn't i?

everything is taking a massive toll on me
family
love/relationships
school
project
finances
health
i feel like giving up on everything
nothing seems to be going right for me

i tell people to be satisfied with what you already have
cos only then you'll know how lucky you are indeed
but
is there anything for me to be happy about?
anything for me to be satisfied with?
seriously?
my family's a mess
my love life is... well... a worse mess... a total failure in fact.
school's ok... but not doing as well as i should be
projects... are a disaster... looking at the horrendous emails being sent around and i feel like crying all over again.
finances... well... my bills are all overdue again
health... feeling sick on and off... weather maybe... or maybe not.
sigh
maybe i should just be happy that i'm alive and well
but...
what's the point of being alive and unhappy?
i rather not be.

it's a saturday night...
what are you doing?
i'm letting my tears flow freely...
what a sad sad life.

2006-07-22T03:05:00.000+08:00

Ms Quah returned my APEL portfolio to us today
and in mine, she offered some wonderful advice that seemed to hit bull's eye
here goes:
"There is a saying: we juggle many balls in our life. All the balls are elastic except the one that represents family is made of glass. We can drop the rest and they will bounce back but if we drop the glass ball, it will never be the same. It may crack or break and be gone forever."
wonderful, ain't it?
it's so so true...
oh well

it's 2.47 am
and i just got home
went out with my 'da ge' (big brother, but not exactly... he's my direct cousin... same surname)
said he wanted to bring me to Devil's
not really into clubbing anymore,
but didnt wanna pass on the chance of spending some time with him
so went to his shop at Sim Lim Square to look for him,
then went to Bugis to eat sushi with him
chatted quite a bit
then we walked to a karaoke pub behind Raffles Hotel where his friends were waiting
only there, i found out that those friends know daddy too...
they always go out drinking together
hmm
guess the only reason why i was there was cos daddy's away in bangkok for the weekend
haha
oh well
didnt really drink much
mainly cos i dont really wanna drink
then me and da ge left for devil's bar first as his friends were still waiting for more people
da ge had membership so could get in free, even without checking id
haha
then all of a sudden, change of plans.
thumper.
grrrr
but one of the guys came over to drive us there
so it wasnt that bad
thumper... well... older crowd, rather good live band, super duper packed
and his friends were all 30+ year olds
haha
i was like a little girl
but then again, they actually thought i was at least 22 years old
and that da ge was my bf
cos he was holding my hand and all... the place was crowded and he had to take care of me
haha
he's so wonderful to me
the way those people drink their Johnnie Walker Black Label, is scary.
6 people. 5 bottles. 2.5 hours.
like wadehell lar
and no one was drunk
da ge decided to send me home at about 2am
and when we left, they were STILL drinking
crazy idiots
anyway... he was so sweet to send me all the way up to my doorstep
even though it was already so late and he would have to catch another cab
sigh
a bf like that would be nice
but a brother like that, is the bestest!!!
haha
i love him =D
anyway
monday, he and my 2nd brother will be coming over for dinner
hopefully i can make it back in time to have dinner with them
oh well
i'm shagged out
tired
my legs are aching from the heels and the standing and the occasional spurts of dancing
gonna go sleep
tmw, is another project chionging day
ciao ciao
buona notte!

2006-07-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

supposed to have a post uploaded yesterday night but seems like blogger screwed up and didnt post it.
oh well
all i have to say about seeing Jolin Tsai in real life at Zouk is just this:
attitude, diva, super fake big boobs, her dance is not that fantastic, she's not as pretty as we all thought.
that's all
if u want details,
come and ask me yourself.
i dont wanna say too much and kenna curse by her loyal fans
but then again, i dont think she has much loyal fans locally
that night, only a small contingent of about 10-plus fan club members came.
and they were from m'sia
so yah
u get the point
but still, i must say that i still like her songs very much
just like jay chou, i love their songs
but i dont like their personality or their image.
so let's just appreciate them as singers and nothing else.

anyway,
submitted Organisational Behavior and Business Enterprise reports yesterday
so 2 down, and many many more to go.
i suddenly think that i suck big time as a leader
those who are aware of what happened and how my group members got into a shouting match,
u'll know why i say that.
sigh
though i admit i didnt handle the situation all that well
but
i cant believe how bad it is...
it's as though all the efforts i put into the project are all wasted
and not appreciated
in a lousy lousy mood now

and i'm tired
so very very tired
my head is spinning
my skull is splitting
my ears are ringing
my eyes are teary
my limbs are jelly
my bones are aching
argh
but there's still so much to be done within this weekend
i dunno what to do...

and i wanna watch Pirates of the Carribean!
i know everyone says it's lousy and all
but i still wanna watch it...
sigh
no one to watch with
everyone else watch already
and next week there's The Lakehouse, The Lady in the Water, etc...
and next friday i wanna go ktv...
gavin? shawn? and who else?
sign up now!!!
haha
i'm going crazy..
and i still owe my dear older brother (cousin actually, but he treats me like his little sister) a dinner...
tsk tsk tsk

i still hate my life.

2006-07-20T02:26:00.000+08:00

went to Jolin Tsai's showcase mini concert at Zouk this evening with Shawn
got alot of comments and opinions
haha
as usual
but i'm so sleepy and shagged out
just finished my business enterprise proposal
so i shall tell you all about it tmw ok?
sorry
and yes, i forgot to bring camera.
so no pics
dont cry.
but i dont really regret not bringing my camera.
cos nothing to take
muahaha
more of the lowdown tmw!
good night all...
2.54 am
argh!

2006-07-18T19:33:00.000+08:00

alas...
i got a B+ for my ticketing&reservations test.
i got a shock when i saw my grade honestly
i never expected to do that well...
for one, i missed the 2 lessons before the test
and those 2 lessons just so happened to be the most important for the test.
for two, i didnt go back to school to practise during the holidays
so the test itself was the first time i was doing an actual transaction on amadeus
all i did was follow what the book said.
without even being sure what i was doing...
when she said that a whole lot of people failed and did very badly, i freaked out
sigh
thank goodness
guess all that means is that i'm damn good at following instructions...
muahaha
and i have to really thank ms ivy tan for moderating the grades
i dunno how the moderation affected me but it probably helped a little
thank you
thank you
thank you!!!
i swear i'll work hard for my next 2 tests
i will i will i will...

oh well
guess it's a season for second chances
even 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and umpteenth more chances
deuxieme, troisieme, quartieme, cinqieme, sixieme, ...
ok i know that previous line was random
anyway, why i said that is because mummy has forgiven daddy
at least that's how it seems to be
she's smiling, talking and helping him iron his clothes again
it's amazing huh
despite the fact that she's given him more than enough 2nd chances,
she's not given up yet
if i were her, i really dunno if can do the same thing
sigh
is that good or bad?
my family's technically complete
but happy?
only time can tell
now it's our turn to try forgiving him
despite all that he's done to hurt me and us

sometimes i feel that i seem to be living double lives
in public and in private
in front of my friends and in front of my family
sigh
so tiring...
someone save me from this sad sad life of mine...

2006-07-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

rushed home in a cab this evening
cos mummy msged me on msn while i was having my group project meeting, to tell me that daddy wants to take her out to dinner but he wanted to bring Drago along.
i was so pissed off.
if he wanted to talk to her and solve their problems, why bring my pesky little brother along?
they wont be able to have the good talk they need.
so i said i'll rush home and take care of bro.
"tell daddy to leave him at home. i'll be back in awhile."
spent $7 bucks to cab home
and btw, cabbing home from TP used to be only $4!!!

anyway, got home in like 10 minutes
showered him, left him in the room to watch cartoons cos he said he didnt wanna have dinner until 6.30, and i went to take my own shower.
was pretty hungry already so made him come out for dinner at 6.15
fed him, while trying to eat my own meal... irritating little brother refused to eat the vege i cut into his bowl. had to pick my way around the vege. bleah
brought back memories of how i used to babysit him every single day when he was still a little infant
mummy had to work and i was still in sec 1... i'd go home every afternoon straight after school and take care of him
make milk, feed him, change his diapers, bathe him, entertain him and make him sleep...
so i think i'll make a good mum! haha
how many girls my age can say that she's babysit an infant for so long?
i even took him out to orchard on my own
travelled via bus and mrt
he couldnt even walk then
so yeah...
haha
anyway,
then ate longans with him... he said he knew how to peel the skin himself so refused my help
so cute... his fingers no strength, had to use his teeth and he kept squirting the juice all over me and himself
wash up the dishes, did the laundry and watched tv while making him do his spelling corrections
he spelled 'very' as 'vaey'
haha
finally dad and mum came back about half an hour ago
then now i can get started on my project stuff
so many things to do...
but guess my priorities have to be set straight
i swore that i'll give up anything for my family... and i love my brother more than anything in the world...
it stems from ever since mum got pregnant with him i think
mum couldnt sleep everynight cos of backache...
so i massaged her back every single night, kneeling on the floor beside the bed, until i hear her soft snores.
only when i'm sure she's asleep, then i'll tiptoe back to my room to sleep
sometimes it takes less than half and hour, other times i can be kneeling there for 2 or more hours
that's despite me having school early the next day and all that
every checkup mum had, i went with her
so i literally saw my bro grow from a pea-sized creature till the big boy he is today
it's amazing
so now, you tell me,
who do i love more?
mum or bro?
haha
both.
oh well
mum and dad came home looking pretty normal
so i hope it really is normal
as much as i want a complete family, i want mummy to be happy
if daddy cannot make her happy,
i hope one day i can make it all up to her...
i love you mummy...

2006-07-16T20:02:00.000+08:00

i dunno what's gonna happen now
ah ma says if mummy and daddy cannot get back together, she will leave this family...
sigh
i love granny
and i was raised by her
i dont want to see her leave us
and she's already 70 years old
but how can i expect mummy to forgive daddy?
the last time it was 12th june, my birthday
we all decided to give him another chance
and we almost got back to our happy life...
dinners, watching tv together, going out, etc
barely a month
and he's back at it.
how to trust him?
sigh
what a dilemma
like what i told ziyang,
sometimes what adults do, we cant control
and most of the times, when adults make mistakes, it is us children who suffer the consequences...
daddy makes the mistake, and it's the 4 of us that loses our complete family and now, i'm facing the prospect of losing my dearest granny...
i hate my life
to the core
daddy says i have to bear some of the blame for what has happened
do i?
what did i do?
the reason why this is happening is because he is looking to fulfil his desires
what's it got to do with me?
someone gimme an answer please.

2006-07-16T10:53:00.000+08:00

it happened again last night.
or rather early this morning.
3 am.
the whole family fast asleep except for daddy who was still watching tv in the living room.
normal.
i was in the midst of a very good dream
woke up in shock to the screams of mummy.
she was calling out "mummy!!!", referring to my grandma.
daddy's mum.
first thought was,
'shit. what happen to ah ma?'
i ran out of the room with chloe, and saw ah ma run out with chantal.
i looked at the kitchen, and saw daddy fighting mummy.
he was grabbing her wrists and strangling her at her throat.
with brute force.
never in my 19 years of life have i seen daddy using violence.
massive quarrels yes. but never has he used his hands before. on any of us in the family.
i tried to defend her and he came towards me with his fists raised
shouting "fuck you!" and "fucking bitch!"
and mind you, that's my father.
the one who says that among all my siblings, he loves me the most.
if it wasnt for ah ma who stopped him, i'll probably be in the hospital by now.
i was made to go into my room and lock the door so he wont come in
and i sobbed uncontrollably into my chloe's arms
what was i to do?
seeing mummy's wrists all red from daddy's grabbing,
i just felt like punching him in the jaw and wake him up
but i was no match for him
i dont wanna disclose what he did that sparked the violence
it's disgusting to even think about it.
men.
cannot keep their dicks where they're supposed to be.
in their pants and at home.
how can that be a legitimate reason to betray your wife and family?
how can that be?
and he said to ah ma that it was because of me.
because i am not the daughter he wants me to be...
what do i have to do with his ridiculous libido?
as a woman,
i have utterly zero respect for him and i feel so so strongly for mummy
as a daughter... i'm just very disappointed.
very very disappointed
seems like i was wrong
my family is indeed breaking into pieces.
millions and millions of unretrievable shards.
i love mummy so much
but i loved him just as much
i knew that he loved me but he was just not able to expressed it outright.
he loved us in his own way.
but his way was one we couldnt accept.
the constant scolding, the harsh words, the lack of care and concern...
i dunno what to do now...
i hate him for what he did to mummy and what he almost did to me
but i also love him because fundamentally, he's my father.
i want a complete family...
one that's happy...
one where we can go out for dinners every weekend together like before...
one where there is warmth when i return home...
one that my little brother can grow up happily in...
one that in years to come, i know i can depend on to turn to when things are not going smoothly for me out there in the world.
but right now, hopes of it seem really really dim.
i'll never forget that scene: one moment he had his hands around mummy's throat, the next moment he's vehemently denying that he did nothing wrong. and saying that he deserves better.
i woke up this morning, seeing mummy clear drago's toybox... throwing away 5 big bags of toys... and i dunno what to say or think
my mind's in a whirl
one part of me says mummy deserves better than the treatment she's getting from her husband
the other part of me dont want them to split...
nothing good's gonna come out of it for the family.
ah ma's gonna suffer...
she work so hard for us in the family...
and i love her like nothing else in the world.
and she's too old to have to go through this...
i wish i can forgive him soon...

sigh
i dunno what else to do or say...
supposed to complete my issues presentation by today...
but it's gonna be a tough one to accomplish...
cant even focus on anything...
sigh

now you tell me... how can i possibly be in the mood to talk about love and relationships?
the disillusion doesnt stem only from myself... but also by whatever's going on in my family right now.
mummy also gave her all and devoted 20 years of her life to him...
but in return?
what did she get?
a husband who seek women from outside to satisfy his primal desires.
yes, argue all you want that it's just man's nature.
and some might even say that mummy's in the wrong by making a mountain out of a molehill
some might say a wife's responsibility is to make sure that her husband is happy
and if it means that he's happy with flirting outside, as long as he comes home at the end of the day, the wife should close one eye.
i say 'fuck that'
balls to you if you're one of those shallow beings.
a wife is still human
a wife is to be loved and cared for.
not to be betrayed.
sigh
seems like he's right...
it really doesnt pay to devote so totally when the other party doesnt reciprocate it.

like i said yesterday,
someone please save me from this sad sad life...

2006-07-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

celebrated joce's birthday at hard rock cafe this afternoon
had fun
and hoped she enjoyed herself...
after the celebration, the guys wanted to go arcade while the girls go shopping
i dont like arcades and i dont really like shopping either.
and since gavin had to leave, we left together with siok too
had to give the guys some girl advice so that he gets the correct type of gift for his gf
it's a special day today
hope she likes the gift that we picked out for her:)
she's a lucky lucky girl...
wish them happiness...
and i took the train all the way to boon lay
haha
super far
but gavin drove me all the way back to tampines so it was ok
he had to go TP anyway
and i transferred car to his
i feel so lucky... got chauffeur
haha
we were gonna head for dinner when he told me about his mum's bday
so,
i made him send me home and take his mum to dinner instead
but he's leaving tmw... so to go out the last time, we're gonna go for dessert and drinks later
so now,
i'm just waiting for him to finish dinner

i still havent done my DPD issues presentation
i'm so gonna be dead
tmw have to 'pia' the whole day le
sigh
but i'm in a good mood today
and i think it has alot to do with spending time with my dear friends and having gavin to talk to
someone even said i seemed happier today
honestly, there was a part of the day out when i felt like my mood was turning pretty gloomy
and it stemmed from seeing siying-goldfish and caiyun-victor so happy and xing fu together
so envious
if only i can be that happy too
and knowing gavin is happy... i feel happy for all of them
but cant help feeling a little out of sorts too...
but luckily he told me that they also do have their problems...
and he gave me alot of advice...
made me happier
but still... the heart still hurts time to time

i still stand by my old belief that EVERYBODY DESERVES TO BE LOVED.
listened to a song on itunes last night
and the essence of it is: to be loved is happiness, to love is torture.

i think i never announced this before
what i wanna say is i'm sick and tired of studying about the hospi and tourism industry
it's still my passion
but i have no interest whatsoever in furthering my studies in that aspect.
instead
if i do go to a university to further my studies
i wanna major in either social sciences or something like literature
the other part of my interest
i might even consider mass comm
cos of my interest in journalism
writing, journalism and reading...
those are my other passions
so yeah...
sigh
i wanna graduate soon
tired of poly life... 3 years... so long...
only thing i'll miss is my friends
cos everyone will be going separate ways and opportunities to meet up will be pathetically little
and i dread internship
although it'll probably be interesting and will be over in a jiffy
but it still means another half year of this crap
grrrrrr

someone pull me outta this sad sad life.....

2006-07-15T01:39:00.000+08:00

i dunno what i'm doing here blogging
when i can barely see through my overflowing tears at what i'm typing
talking to my dear friends just now was satisfying
and brought back so many memories
so much was put into perspective
and it breaks me to pieces to really recognise all the silliness i've been displaying
i'm beginning to lose all hope in myself and my relationships
although i still believe in true love, i think i'm becoming truly disillusioned about it
not until i meet the one who's right for me, will i learn to give my all again
the risk is too high
the pain is too great
though to him, and the people around him, i will be seen as the one who didnt want and the one who gave up... the one who let him down.
but others cant possibly tell how bad i'm hurting inside...
Gav touched my heart just now, when he said that he worries for me when he sees me down...
i dont want people around me to worry...
but...
i'm really just such an emotional person
never in my life have i been put through a test like this
and i cant say if i really made the right choice.
but it seems to be the best option
everything's gonna be really tough now
there's so much i need to get over...
i've never been afraid of love and relationships before.
never.
not even after all that crapshit i've been through
2 violent boyfriends who beAt the crap outta me when they're unhappy.
a psychotic boyfriend who attempt suicide just because i had to go to school and couldnt accompany him.
then there are the ones who cheat on me, the ones who 'loved' me only for physical satisfaction, etc... some are overlapping each other's traits.
after every failed relationship in the past,
i've always come out stronger than i was before
and i never lost my faith - that there is still true love in this world.
i've always had the confidence in myself in relationships.
but now,
i cannot be so sure of it anymore...
i've never had this weird feeling tugging at my heart before... and instinct tells me that it's fear...
fear of falling in love again...
not just falling in love simply... but really falling so deep that i devote more than i ever have and not knowing how to draw myself up.
i find myself asking the same question over and over again... "will i ever fall in love so hard and fast again in my life?"
and i have no answer to it now...
i used to be able to vehemently say YES!!!
now all i wanna do i learn how to stop crying!
i believe i can fdo it ah

---------------------------------------
dreams. do they really come true?
i read somewhere that lives, are woven out of dreams.
without dreams, life becomes meaningless and pointless to live for.
i agree wholeheartedly
i admit that i'm a dreamer... but afterall, i am a girl...
and which girl doesnt have a dream somewheredeep inside her heart?
i've got losts of them
most might never come true, some might while others might just fade into the background in my life as time goes by.
---------------------------------------

had a great great day today
mainly because i had the company of 2 good friends
gav and shawn
ktv was super duper fun
3 persons and we got to sing the songs we like and mike-hog all we want
muahahaha
and dinner was fulfilling too
at redhill
spend 3 hours at the hawker centre
just sat and chitchatted all the way
sigh
really missed those days when we spent so much more time together
missd talking to both of them!
grrrrr

sleepy...
arrividrerci!

2006-07-14T00:19:00.000+08:00

"Congratulations! You are our lucky winner in the CLEO/Stella Stella Promotion. You have won for yourself a Stella Stella voucher, worth $20."
and make a guess which issue was this from?
DECEMBER 2005.
like huh?
abit late right?
now i have to go down to The Arcade to collect my 'gift'... period between 11-25 July.
grrr
so sian
actually, this is the 3rd or 4th time i've received a letter from CLEO mag
so lucky right?
haha
the only mag that i ever get gifts from.
maybe cos i'm their namesake.
hahaha
the best one was 2 tickets to a DXO party earlier this year but i had to give it a miss cos of another D&D.
now i cannot even remember what the Stella Stella vouchers are for.
so inefficient.
tsk tsk tsk
i remember once when i was reading a CLEO mag, at the page where they interview contestants for their CLEO cover girl search,
i thought to myself..."i should go join. and when they ask that standard question of 'why do you think you can be a CLEO cover girl?', i would simply say 'well, my name is cleo. i am who you are. why not?'"
muahahaha
i know i'm not making sense but i'm so super tired
tsk tsk tsk
last night slept at 4am
now my eyes can barely keep open
supposed to go on with my issues presentation powerpoint but i'm ready to give up
so annoying
cannot even focus my eyes on the comp screen
wasted my time going for meeting today... 2 hours of meeting and NOTHING got done
and when i say nothing, i really mean nothing. nought. zero. empty.
grrrr
that was followed by another 2 hours of slacking
but at least had shawn to talk to so not that bad.
we entertained each other at Mensa
btw, i still think the image of you eating the bone marrow of the veal shank is utterly gross
and the corn!
my gawd.
*gawk*
anyway
i'm blabbering
good night....
pray that i dont see work and words in my dreams.
haha
unlike Chloe, who dreamt of maths equations the whole night while preparing for her o'level math papers.
muahahah
that was hilarious
cos she woke up hysterical and scared that she would fail just like she did in her dreams
tsk tsk tsk
nut case.
okok
i really need to go

ciao ciao
au revoir

bonne nuit!

2006-07-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

arghhhh
i'm going crazy with eco-tourism
and i realised that i spent my whole night researching for my eco-tourism issues presentation that i havent edited the business enterprise proposal that i'm supposed to have for tmw's group meeting at 12 noon
how how how?!?!?!
tonight no need to sleep already
and i think i'm supposed to finish the OB article analysis too!
grr....
i'm so gonna die
i never knew i was this bad at organising my time
i never had this problem before?!
how how how?!?!?!
at this rate, my hair's all gonna fall out sooner or later.
edna says all i need is to find one day to dedicate purely to my project work
and i think she's right
that's what i've been doing the past few semesters
but this time round, no time!!!
maybe this sunday.
at least 16 hours of chionging
if i could do it before, i sure can do it again.
so please everyone,
i'm sorry if i MIA on sunday ok?
do me this lil' favour of leaving me alone
msg me if anything crops up but dont blame me if i delay my replies
i really need to get this all over and done with
thank god ms ong says we can submit our issues presentation draft by monday instead of this friday
so i can use sunday to do it

anyway, had a pretty nice day today
woke up to a coool rainy weather
headed to bugis for breakfast at coffee bean before my appointment
nice, but the toast i ate had a tad too much cheese.
within 10 min, i was making a beeline for the ladies
grrr
that's what i call lactose intolerant
or rather, stomach's so sensitive that i cant eat so much dairy products!
haha
but i enjoyed myself
headed back to TP for DPD lecture at 2 pm
borrowed 5 books from the library for research purposes and lugged them all the way home
no particular good or bad mood...
just... stressed out.
muahaha
i think people who know me well will know how i'm like when i'm stressed
so if i offend anyone, please do not take it to heart.
i definitely dont mean what i did or said.

okok... gotta get back to work.
had to vent my frustrations abit to relieve the stress.
and i think i need an iPod shuffle.
so many songs on my laptop's iTunes but cannot listen without my laptop.
grrrr....
oh well... ciao ciao.

2006-07-11T22:14:00.000+08:00

important clarification: I DID NOT FAIL MY FRENCH TEST!!!
the real reason why i had to re-take my french listening test is kinda complicated and confidential.
but for the record, i got full marks for my original test.
and to remove all doubts that i didnt achieve that based on my own abilities,
i volunteered to take a re-test with Jerome
and i got full marks again.
it proves something doesn't it?
actually, only proves that i can understand minimal simple content but it's good enough at this level.
the only saving grace of having to stay back so late and wait the whole afternoon away was the eventual full marks i got, and the knowledge that Jerome knows me by name! haha. so much for not knowing the students you dont personally teach. it's a plus point that he's pretty good looking. i know it's a sinful thought but there's nothing wrong in appreciating a person right? and he's nice. from what i see so far in any case.

still havent got back my results for ticketing
cos someone in our batch hasnt taken the test. despite being 2 weeks late.
how duperly irresponsible.
the whole world has to wait for 'her royal highness'
grrrr
i so wanna know how i did
ms. tan says alot of people failed
despite her major moderating
our class got a few
good, compared to the rest of the classes where many many more failed.
shit
now i'm getting scared
cant wait for lesson next tuesday
the only reason why i'm actually looking forward to ticketing class
it's boring otherwise.
cos it's not my interest, although it's pretty easy for me to understand the contents.
sigh

i'm so tired of projects
and everything else
so many things to do
i havent even bought my apel portfolio and i need to submit by this week
and all i'm doing is slack my days away
and going out
got things on friday and saturday
gotta sacrifice
sigh
sigh
sigh
why why why
i dont remember being as stressed out before
shittified.

i need to stop blogging
at least not so often
spend more of the time on work

2006-07-10T16:26:00.000+08:00

stupid day.
right now, i'm sitting at Jupiter's cafe in school
the weather so nice and windy
and i'm waiting for 6 pm to go for French re-test.
grrr
had barely 2 hours of sleep last night cos of the annoying world cup final match
came for organizational behavior lecture at 9 am in the morning...
so disciplined right?! amazing...
supposed to then have tutorial at 12 nn
but only when we went up to the room then we saw the notice pasted on the door that our class is postponed.
shit
like wadehell are we gonna go now?
so we decided to have our group meeting
with 2 members absent nonetheless, but it still had to be conducted
finished up pretty quickly cos everyone was like half dead
ended up at Jupiter's by about 2 pm
and i've been here ever since
and it's 4.32 on my comp's clock now....
if i knew, i'd have just gone home on a cab
but a cab damn ex now lor... price hike once again.
sigh
i'm so so shagged
i wish i didnt have to do the French re-test.
plus the weather is so duper conducive for sleeping... no sun, lotsa wind and cool temperatures.
i wanna snuggle up in bed!!!

and once again,
we met each other.
without acknowledgement.
sigh
i dunno if it's by choice or not...
i guess i should have known it would be like that
shouldnt have had my hopes so high up

looking in the mirror earlier in the ladies,
i realised i look quite... haggard...
i dunno what i was that gave me that idea
maybe it's the lack of sleep
maybe it's something else
i miss the radiance i was once proud of having
what's happening?
nowadays, i cant seem to go anywhere without the whole powder and blusher deal
when i used to be able to go out confidently with just concealer for my dark eye rings
i need to do something about it
romance is not in the books it seems...
so that leaves exercise, enough beauty sleep and less stress on myself
but how?
no time no time no time!
24 hours a day is not enough
especially if i wanna have at least 9 hours of beauty sleep a day.
sigh
or maybe it's just the lack of romance
"girls in love and the most beautiful and radiant ones"
or so they say (loosely translated from mandarin)
sorry folks... i sound like i cant stop lamenting about everything huh?
haha
excusez moi

some quotes from Glamour magazine from men:
"women who eat are sexy" - indeed. that's why i eat the way i do when i can. don't stare at me like i'm a freak when i eat my heart out. and stop making me feel guilty for not rapidly putting on weight no matter how much i eat. it's in the genes.

"our friends' approval counts" - is that why? so i see... it's just a guy thing. no wonder.

"some men just need time" - dont date a man because of how successful you think he's going to be. date him because you like who he is now. in the end, it's what's on the inside that will make him successful or not. if he has that drive, fire in his eyes, help him cultivate it... and be patient. (i'm sorry i realised this only now...)

i've always believed that to be a better boyfriend,
all guys should make it a regular habit to read through girl mags like Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Cleo and Female.
not the trashy and pointless ones of course.
get them from mum, sis or girlfriends...
every girl reads at least once in a while.
or rather, every self-loving girl who is determined to be well-educated about life.

hence, to be fair to the opposite sex,
girls should make an effort to try to understand guys by reading more about their thoughts
but then again, guy mags dont really say much about themselves.
i tried it before.
so i thank myself for buying mags like Glamour USA because they frequently feature comments and quotes from the opposite gender...
argh... but i still fail in that subject. Men 101.

k la... i'm not making sense already... gonna go study for my french test.
ciao ciao

2006-07-09T22:54:00.000+08:00

had an enjoyable weekend...
you said i seemed happier this morning...
i hope you're right
cos somewhere deep inside, my heart aches
you and i both know the reason why
i know there are things you wanna say to me and ask me...
but you held back...
nevertheless,
thank you for everything you've ever done for me
and also for everything you're still doing for me
i'll cherish all these moments we shared
for as long as it takes...
nothing else we can do right?

there's so many things waiting for me to do
the service ambassadors... got a whole load of documents that i need to do up all because i lost the entire SA folder from my thumbdrive... it crashed along with every single file in it.
destination p&d... PBL stuff, issues presentation, etc... and i've barely started on my issues presentation... deadline? end of this coming week.
organizational behaviour... gotta do the article analysis for the group PBL project... asap
business enterprise... proposal need to rush, wine list need to develop, etc... deadline? also by end of this coming week. PLUS about 7 or 8 reflections to do... these are not normal reflections by the way. you need research. extensive research. goodness gracious me. argh!
french... project need to complete within the next week or so, need to practise real hard for oral test. i so dont wanna get a C+ for french like i did for Jap just cos i didnt put in enough effort.

all these are just a fraction of the stuff awaiting me.
these are the tangible stuff.
what about all the rest on my mind?
the intangible crap?
the things that i cant shake off no matter how hard i try?
things like you?
whom i miss like crazy but cannot do anything about it?
i'm so scared
so scared that i wont be able take all this any longer...
but no one could probably understand it...
even if you understand, what can you do?
like i always tell my mum: so what if i told you my problems? what can you do? can you make it all go away???

i dunno if you still read my blog
i dunno if i still want you to read my blog
it's a conflicting thought i know...
sigh
crap
so many things i wanna say... such that i now dunno where to start.
i sometimes wish i can turn back time...
to the times we were happy together
and i try to tell myself that maybe i can just forget everything unhappy in the past
just so that i can be happy with ya...
but i get reminded of the fact that i chose solitude
even though it doesnt suit me in any way... i admit i fail as a lone figure in this road of life...
the coldness and the aloofness is killing me... but it's the price i have to pay for making stupid decisions and wanting to stick by them.
i shant say anymore...
i've said so much along the same lines the past few days that i think people are getting bored of reading...
even i realise that i should be getting pretty bored of saying the same things over and over again... but i am not... surprisingly huh?
oh well

my head hurts like crazy
and i've still gotta catch the world cup finals between france and italy
may the better team win... i have no idea how to pick a winner in this...
i wanna sleep my pain away... but i cant seem to will my eyes to shut themselves up.

2006-07-07T22:12:00.000+08:00

today, had a pretty nice day.
morning went for boring DPD tutorial
then Cal sent us to RITS at TAS for lunch
3-course meal for $7!!!
super cheap
but portions also super small
ate with 2 Shawns ;p, Gavin, Cal, Emilyn and Ming Shan (dunno if spell right or not, haha)
had a pretty enjoyable time chatting and catching up with the lecturers
and next week - 5-course fine-dining for $7 ONLY!!!
we've booked for 10 pax so whoever wants to join feel free...
and we'll bring our own wine!
muscato anyone???
muahaha...
after that, headed down to Orchard to meet Edna
on the way, saw Amanda heading to Heeren to work
love her new style... so grunge.
haha
anyway
accompanied her to Topshop and she bought some clothes
talked alot on the way
then we decided to find somewhere to chill and talk
ended up at Holland V again
haha
initally planned to go Essential Brew but thought of taking a walk and seeing if there's anywhere else we can go eat and chill.
ended up at 211 rooftop terrace cafe
pretty nice place
lots of greenery and all that stuff
but the weather was a little warm cos it was still sunny when we first got there
the food quite ok but a bit on the expensive side
anyway, took a whole bunch of photos, chit-chatted and ate a pizza each
well actually i had 2 slices left and she only ate 2 slices
haha
amazing
like damn waste money and food huh?
missed the feeling of talking to her so much...
hope you get well soon k gurl?
i'll always be supporting you!
then i took a cab back home cos i was so lazy to travel all the way
but when i reach my block, i tried to pay with the only piece of cash i have - $50
and the uncle refused!!!
he said he dont wanna take big notes
in the end i had to call Chantal to bring small change down for me
so irritating
end up mummy found out i took cab and nagged at me
bleah
not that i didnt have money lor!!! the idiot *****
grrrr

anyway
when we got to the rooftop terrace cafe,
i suddenly thought of the few times when we walked past the cafe together
but always gave it a miss cos of the prices of the food
but the ambience was quite nice and romantic
wish we actually tried that place at least once together
then the images that came through my mind was of those times when we walked inside the Holland Village Shopping Centre... the small shops we walked by, the one or two times we walked through Cold Storage together...
sigh
now,
Holland Village always brings back bitter-sweet memories
then there was Swensen's, where we ate together before we got attached... with Cal and Gavin i think
and Crystal Jade, where we ate together and i will never be able to forget that you loved the food there
when i got into the cab, images that flood through my mind were of you putting me into a cab to go home... how you'd open the door for me and first check and see if the uncle looks decent.
so much more i can think of... just in that area alone...
but seems like there's no more point in recalling it...
glad to see that you seem to be moving along pretty well
it hurts to pretend not to see you when i see you...
but i guess that's what they call 'necessary evil'?

so much emotions in me and i dunno how to deal with them
every other hour i get the temptation to pick up the phone and dial that number on my speed-dial but i never do...
i know i cant...
i shouldnt!
so i wont.
why does this have to happen all the time?
i hate myself.
i hate my emotions.
i hate my constant battles of the heart vs the mind.
this sucks
i'm so jealous and envious of the people with wonderful partners and untroubled relationships.
how do they do it?
i'm so lost...

here's something i lifted of the website called cleopatra.com
"If her nose had been 1 cm shorter, world history might have been different."
The most beautiful woman in history...Cleopatra~
Cleopatra was the most splendid person in ancient Egyptian history,
who led the world history by her nose.
Her beauty and elegance saved Rome by bringing great Roman
heroes such as Julius Caesar and Antonius to her knee.
Being a brilliant woman, she could speak ten different languages.
She was truly the woman who had both beauty and ingenuity.
Many women in the world admire her and they want to be as beautiful as her.
intriguing huh?
ever since i learnt of my namesake, i started reading about her history and it is so interesting to know...
and how different we are... i admire her but i dont think i can ever be like her...
not even close
or maybe i just dont want to?
haha
crappy shit.

2006-07-06T21:54:00.000+08:00

my dear cousin says love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and he wears it everyday.
is it true?
is love really so simple?
if it was really the case, then i say i cant even keep track of the times he's shown his love for me.
even edna thinks that if 2 persons love each other, nothing should stop them from being together.
but i still think there is really such a thing called 'not emotionally ready for a relationship'...
or am i just finding a lame excuse for myself?
if what i see is meant for my eyes, here's the answer to your question: no, no-one said it was gonna be easy. but no-one said it was impossible either. and no, i'm not enjoying the ride. to everyone else, it may seem like i am enjoying it fully... but it's killing me...
i'm just hoping that one morning i can wake up and be rejuvenated, feeling as though the night's sleep has killed all the monsters in me.
so much has changed in me ever since the incidents of the past few months
ever since i knew you, had you, gave up on you, found you and lost you all over again.
never in years of dating, have i lost so much sleep and hurt so much over a single relationship.
does that tel me something?
i dunno... if it is, i need someone to show me.
ti voglio bene...
mi dispiace...

one thing edna said just now really touched my heart...
she said she wants to get better... so that she can comfort me the same way i comfort her.
she doesnt want to just be a listening ear... she wants to be able to help me.
i love her for that...
you know,
i think i'm really really fortunate...
i have wonderful friends like Edna and Rozy, who listens to everything i say and who tries their best to help me out of my troubles...
thank you girls... for not judging, for not abandoning and for listening... i love you both...

and to a certain someone out there
i hope you know that i'm speaking to you...
the assurance you give me, that you'll always be there no matter what happens, is what keeps me going at times...
when i feel that the whole world is going against me, i find comfort in knowing there is at least one person out there who will be on my side.
i know it seems selfish of me... what i'm doing...
and i also know i'm maybe being very unfair to you...
but i really dunno what else to do and how to handle the things that are happening between us...
the unconventional relationship between us is amazing but at the same time, a terrible enigma within itself. one which drives me crazy at times just thinking about it...
sei affascinante.
'nascondre' or 'correre'?
'piangere' or 'ridere'?
or simply 'credere'?
'sorridere' can be the hardest thing to do sometimes. when you just cannot do it from the bottom of your heart.
E una bella giornata
but it's as dark as midnight inside of me.

arrivederci...

2006-07-06T00:28:00.000+08:00

can someone out there tell me how people deal with hurt and pain?
i really wanna know how most 'normal' people out there deal with those mixed-up and pent-up emotions in them...
everytime i think i know,
i get messed up all over again.
no, i'm not in any kind of trouble.
not in the literal sense at least...
but somewhere within the depths of my heart, it's slowly dying...
i know how i feel...
but i also know i have to learn how to ignore those feelings...
because it won't only affect me... it'll affect the other party too.
especially if i take any actions without first letting it go through my mind.
does anyone have idea at all?
how much it hurts to have to ignore those overwhelming emotions and act as though nothing is wrong?
i hate the feeling of having to pretend i dont see my heart, when it's killing me inside and standing right in front of my face in real life.
"these foolish games are tearing me apart."
and so Jewel sang.
am i really just playing foolish games?
or am i really doing what i need to do?
it's times like this when i'm confused all over again.
i begin to have doubts about what i'm doing...
but i know it's too late for doubts and regrets.
so, i shall continue on this path...
i must learn to deal with my emotions and keep it under control...
"one should always govern over you emotions; not let your emotions lead you by your nose"
it's probably just another passing phase... a period of adjustment...
like i told a friend of mine who came to me for advice: "maybe you dont miss her... you just miss the companionship. the feeling of having someone close by your side, knowing that the other person feels the same way too."
maybe it applies to me too?
i hope it does...
i cant deny that i'm pretty happy with my life right now... at least nothing is devastatingly wrong...
everything's so peaceful on the surface
i'm having personal time and space,
i'm having more time and efforts in building up my friendships with people i neglected to really appreciate in the past
i'm having more time for my family
i also have more time to do my school work.
but can i really focus on those?
not really... though i try really hard.
being reminded of my feelings so many times in a day, is not fun. definitely not fun. it's in fact, painful. extremely.
i dunno what the hell is wrong with me too
now i just hope for school to be over...
hope that with me being busy with my internship, it'll take my mind of other stuff...
maybe it'll help if i dont have to see him so constantly.
will it?
sigh
the heart vs the mind.
and no, i'm not gonna draw you back into my personal battlefield. i'm not so silly.
so... leave me be and soon i'll wake up...
i know i will... cos i know i have to.

oh and before i go, tonight's match-up - France vs Portugal.
Zidane vs Figo
Viera vs Deco
Ribery vs Ronaldo
Henry vs Pauleta
Barthez vs Ricardo
hot stuff eh?
a pitch of 22 extremely talented players
what will it ultimately boil down to?
Domenech vs Scolari
Scolari, we all know who he is. the man who led Brazil to World Cup victory 4 years ago in S.Korea
Domenech? yes i hear you. who the hell?
haha
yet, it is down to these two men... may the cleverer man win.
the portuguese team would be likely to have been instructed to attack with all their might. after all, a good attack is the best defence. and for that to work, players like Deco, Costinha, Figo and Ronaldo have to be at their very very best. both physically and techically. the defence would have to hold their fort and cover the tracks of their attacking teammates.
the french will most definitely be attacking with lots of caution. ball control, flicks of magic and visionary play would be the mission of the night for the french players. in Zidane, Viera, Malouda, Ribery and Makelele, they've got older, experienced midfield players who are also oozing with flair and class. in Gallas, Thuram and Sagnol, they've also got solid defensive forts who have proven capable of withstanding the constant pressure from the 6-men Brazilian attack.
i'm foreseeing an extremely exciting match with both sides playing beautiful attacking football. and just like we saw against brazil, france is capable of fairplay and maintaining the balance between friendship, fairness and competition. let's hope portugal can do it too.
they dont have a good disciplinary record this year and with players like cocky ronaldo, i think the football they play can be very disgraceful. with all that talents, they should play with their capabilities and not with their mind games.
i'm boldly predicting a 3-1 win for france. for these oldies to teach both ronaldo and scolari a lesson in life - arrogance does not pay. and playing fair is the best way to play.

2006-07-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

IQ quiz
---------------------------
Q 1: What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge?

A:
Step 1, open the fridge door.
Step 2, put the elephant in.
Step 3, close the fridge door.

Q 2: What the 4 steps to put a giraffe in the fridge?

A:
Step 1, open the fridge door.
Step 2, take the elephant out.
Step 3, put the giraffe in.
Step 4, close the fridge door.
----------------------------

what you read above might not be anything new to most of you.
in fact, i know it's a pretty old joke
but here's a new and interesting way to look at it -
the fridge is just like your heart.
and the elephant is the hurt inflicted by a past relationship.
in the 1st scenario, you opened your heart to the relationship and ultimately got hurt...
and when the relationship came to an end, most people would close the door to your heart, trapping the hurt in there and closing off everything else from it too.
but sooner or later, the 2nd scenario would have to be played out.
the giraffe represents the possible new love.
and the only way you can allow it into your heart for it to fill it to the brim, is to open your heart first.
then the most important step is to take the elephant out of it.
that's the only way to make space for the new possibilities
finally, if you want this to be everlasting, close the door to everything else.
let the new love fill your and not let anything else intrude on it.
am i making sense?
by the way, some people might find this a tad familiar, and that's probably cos you watched the same chinese show as me.
a grandfather told this to a little girl who was harbouring intense hatred for someone else, but there was a slight difference in the analogy. he used the elephant to represent hatred and the giraffe to represent love. apply it in the same way and you'll see that it can also make alot of sense.

i'm posting this for the benefit of some people out there, who doesnt have the privilege of understanding the meaningful and profound chinese language.

you see, another point i wanna bring out is that there is a 1,000,001 ways to interprete a single action, incident, scenario or sentence.
ultimately, it boils down to how YOU want to view it or interprete it.
look at it the wrong way and you make yourself miserable.
look at it positively and constructively, you make your life a happier one to lead.
who agrees with me?

these are really just abstract and ideological ideas... it's definitely easier said than done.
but sometimes, you've just gotta to constantly remind yourself that there's no other way.
and in life's journey, you're not allowed to stand at the same spot - neither progressing forward nor turning back
whenever you find yourself stuck in a puddle of mud or lost at the crossroads,
tell this yourself and you'll find yourself moving on sooner rather than later.
because you'll then know that you HAVE to decide on a route for the next part of your journey.
you'll have to know what step to take next.

right
i think i'm starting to go round in circles.
gotta watch Germany play Italy later on at 3 am
so i think i better go sleep awhile now...
i'd hate to fall asleep during the match.
i'm predicting a 1-1 draw, and italy winning on penalties. but just barely.
we'll see ;)

2006-07-01T20:01:00.000+08:00

this morning's interview was an eye-opener
there were at least 500 people who turned up for the interview
and no, as expected, i didn't make it past the first round
reason being i was put in a group with many 20plus-year-olds
and they went with those who could start immediately instead of me
cos i said i'm still studying and can only officially join early next year
guess i'll just have to go back after i graduate in February next year
sigh
i knew i should expect this result
but still a tad bit disappointed nonetheless
haha
i actually felt like i was at some Miss Universe audition or something
so many girls!
all shapes and sizes
some tall, some short
some slim, some plump
some really gorgeous and pretty, some really normal looking
some young and some old
and the only thing that made the difference was the number of guys as well
so many
but only a handful are good-looking
and most are actually even shorter than i am
tsk tsk tsk
the standards of SQ nowadays
even my aunt, mum and friends also say that SQ standard of girls getting lower and lower
so sad
maybe i should try the JAL application?
but i dont really like their uniform
i still want the kebaya!
haha
but then again, JAL pays in US dollars... hmmm... good money =D
oh well... better to think about this later on this year...

i seem to be doing pretty well for my French class in school
better than i did for Jap last semester at the very least
but there's this one thing i definitely have to do
i wanna learn Italian and/or Spanish
i love their language
and it'll be of obvious advantage no matter where i go in future with my career
i think i have a knack for languages, just as i do for mathematics
so i wanna do it while i'm still young and not waste time
had a brief encounter with the Italian language when i was working in Brek Ristorante
and i loved it alot
so graceful, sexy and musical
it may seem alot like French, but i can assure you that it's a much more beautiful language than French is.
Spanish, is just really interesting and useful
many countries nowadays speak Spanish
well... i'll just have to make time
oh and before i forget, driving!
way overdue
time to get started
but it'll still have to wait till i start earning my own keep
or else how to pay for lessons?
right?
haha

tonight,
England vs Portugal
England is definitely talented enough to beat the depleted Portuguese squad
but it will ultimately depend on how adventurous Eriksson will be
and knowing him, he'll just be hard-pressed to take the boring way out
a Portuguese side without Costinha and Deco and a not-fully-fit Cristiano Ronaldo, serves to benefit the England team
if only Eriksson knows how to fully utilise the wondefully talented attacking duo of Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard
with Gary Neville back to full match fitness, it will definitely provide the team's right flank with a much-needed boost
no one else can communicate better with Beckham than with his oldest pal
the right flank now needs Beckham to attack freely without a backward glance
and with Gary Neville as a solid backup behind him, he'll have no fear to go forward
in defence, it seems as though a Campbell-Ferdinand partnership will be more effective in cutting out the threats from Ronaldo and Luis Figo
and for goodness sake, if he starts Rooney as the lone striker again, i'll just tear my hair out in despair...
as his coach, he should know very well that this striker of his cannot operate effectively as a lone attacker up front
he needs a partner like Owen... not even Crouch can do as a good a job.
how i wish he took Jermaine DeFoe together with him to Germany instead of untried players like Theo Walcott.
youngster like him should first start with the Euro 2008 tournament before bringing them to the World Cup
sigh
but it's all too late now
guess he'll just have to make do with Crouch
my prediction?
England should be able to win in the very difficult match
3-2 is a very optimistic prediction
but i'd say be prepared for a penalty shootout and england should win marginally

Brazil vs France
hell of an exciting match to be expected
i cannot say who will win
so, this will be the first match that i will refuse to make a prediction
but i'll boldly say that i'm expecting a Germany-Brazil final come 9th July

2006-06-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

i've decided to go for the SIA interview this weekend
so, question now is saturday or sunday?
if saturday, i can get it over and done with and can stop thinking about it.
but it would mean that i have to go early in the morning on my own to take passport-sized photo before making my way down to Raffles the Plaza
if sunday, mummy will be free to accompany me
then i'll have some form of support from her
since she's the one who is constantly encouraging me to go for this...
hmm...
how?

watching Argentina play Germany in the quarter-finals now
rocky start for both sides
and all i see is the ball ping-ponging from end to end of the pitch
without much of the beautiful game being played
i support Argentina, but i can't help but feel that Germany will not lose this game
oh well, we'll see in the next hour or so...

2006-06-30T02:36:00.000+08:00

before i enter slumberland
i've got this sudden urge to recount my most memorable birthdays

one i'll never forget is my 14th birthday
my birthday, like this year, was on a monday.
i was in my very first relationship at that time, and very much in love
or so i thought...
in the midst of the school holidays, i had lots of free time on my hands and wanted to spend it with my first special someone.
so the sunday before my actual birthday, the 11th, i had a great time out with my boyfriend...
spent an entire day out together and it felt like the best birthday i've had in ages.
i was a happy girl essentially...
sadly, the euphoria didnt last for long.
tuesday, a day after my birthday, i received a call from someone i didnt know
and the essence of the conversation was basically him telling me how my boyfriend was out with another girl on the friday before, and how he was making out with that same girl the next day, saturday, at her home. and he had the cheek to celebrate my birthday for me the very next day. what nerve!
at that time, i felt like the world just came a-crashing down on me
what was i to do?
confront?
eventually, i did. but all i got was vehement denials for weeks and weeks on end
the pain and the hurt that you experience when you've been cheated on, is so immense... especially when you put all faith in your partner and it's something so least expected.
and the least i had hoped from him was honesty and remorse.
but none came...
it was the worse sort of birthday gift any girl can ever ask for
and that was what i go for my 14th birthday
from my first love

next in line would have to be this year's 19th birthday
if you've read my blog recently, i think you'd know the reason one
it was spent in misery at home
with no significant mention of my birthday by either of my parents
no happy birthday, a pathetic cake only because my baby brother insisted on one, and no nothing from them.
there was a time when mummy used to buy me cards and write me sweet little messages on them... like she knew i was a soccer fan and she bought me a card with the picture of a girl kicking a soccer ball. in it she wrote:"no matter how old you are, you'll always be my little girl"
so simple but so treasured
i dont blame her, but i cant help but feel the way i feel too

last year's birthday was one i enjoyed too
18 years old
the only cake and birthday song i got was from my beloved group mates
angela, shawn, gavin and alvin
we were at the 10 dollar ktv when they conspired to go get cakes for me
i was really touched by it
and i really miss those times we shared
chionging projects, singing at the ktv, etc

the year before
17 years old
the only cake and birthday song i got was from my lovely colleagues at work
when i was still at Kovan Minitoons
we were about to leave the outlet after closing cos it was already 11 plus at night
when they shut off all the lights and brought out a cake
it was heartwarming
till today, i cannt forget those folks i worked with...
the ones who took care of me like i was their sister and daughter
the manager who had faith in me and trusted my abilities so completely
the person who kept me company when i was down and eventually broke my heart
so many memories in one place.. that night was the happiest...

in fact,
i cant even remember the last time my family bought a birthday cake or even truly celebrated my birthday for me
i think ever since i was 12, mum and dad decided that i was too old for birthday cakes already
so it just abruptly stopped
but seriously, is anyone ever too old for birthday cakes?
it would mean so much more to be from them, instead of anyone else
but the weirdest thing?
my sis chloe still get swensens' cake every single year, till now, when she's already 17.
seems as though she never can get old enough huh?
see shawn? that's what i meant by being the eldest child has pros and cons. you seem to grow up earlier and faster, in the eyes of your elders.

oh well...
next year, i'll be turning 20.
we'll see.

2006-06-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

time really flies...
in less than 2 and a half more months,
i'll be starting my internship at Treetops Executive Residences
it's a great position, a great company and the best thing is one of my greatest girl-friends will be there with me... Rozy!
=D
only difficulty i'll definitely face is the mere $500 allowance each month
it's gonna be tough
but i'll find a way through it
i know i can
and in a lil' more than half a year,
i'll be graduating from TP
with my precious diploma...
and there goes my life as a full-time student
it's like a dilemma, really.
i'm looking forward to graduating so that i can start working and start contributing significantly to my family
i'm looking forward to life outside of school
but at the same time,
it's scary...
i have no clear idea of what lies in store for me ahead
really
though i have dreams and goals,
i think i still lack that crucial determination to work towards it
for one, SIA will be holding interviews for cabin crew recruitment this weekend
at Raffles The Plaza
i'm itching to go for it
but then again i'm afraid
of what? i dont think i'm really sure of it either
i know i have what it takes and most importantly i have the passion
but what if?
what if i dont make it?
what if i make it but they are not willing to wait half a year for me to graduate before i can start?
what if my dad pulls that same trick and stops me from going for it?
all the what ifs...
but then again, i tell myself that i should just take it as an experience...
i can always try again after graduation if fate so decreeds
right?
but what about my hopes to go to Australia to further my studies?
i know it's not really possible because my grades are not fantastic enough for me to get scholarships or bursaries, and neither am i financially able to see myself through college
but it's still a hope
do i want to let go of it?
for one, mummy is not very supportive
because she knows that she cannot afford to send me there
and she doesnt want to see me work my way through college if i really go over
so how?
guess the answer's quite clear huh?
the logical and most realistic step to take is follow my dreams... join SIA... save up enough and complete my degree.
so that brings me back to that same question - should i or should i not go this weekend?
sigh
confused
some people tell me not to think about it now... there's still time.
but seriously? there's not much time...
the 17 weeks at internship will fly by so quickly
and before you even know it, it'll be 'bye-bye TP'.
and i'm not a person who can live my life not knowing what i'm working for
in every part of my life
it's just not me
oh well... i have a whole day tomorrow to think about it...

this afternoon,
i had a nice time talking to a good friend...
and i realised that it's really true when people say that talking about your troubles puts them in perspective and makes it clearer for you to see the issues that need to be tackled
having someone to talk to about what's on your mind is the best way to lessen your own load
i hope that i was of some help to you...
at least i hope i managed to relieve you of some of your confusion
i do know that i might not be able to give really good advice
but i also know that i can be a good listening ear
well
all i can say now is
what's done is already done
you might not like how it has turned out but there's no one to blame
not even yourself
there are so many things that are unexplainable... especially when it comes to feelings
i know it's not gonna be easy
but you've gotta try to take things slowly and see how it goes
i think we're both in a similar situation
and i know how you feel
but i'm also lost...
irony right?
but... what to do...
anyway, it's gonna be your birthday soon and we'll be celebrating it for you so cheer up!
all's not lost yet
=)

it's gonna be a hectic month or two ahead
what with project submissions, portfolio submissions, presentations, tests and the final exams coming up...
i probably won't be blogging so often
but i'll try to keep you guys updated about my life...
nights like tonight...
especially when loneliness strikes
and there's no one you can talk to
despite having more than 200 contact numbers in my handphone phonebook
and for me
the best way to chase away the blues is to write
write about anything that's on my mind
that's why sometimes you see self-composed poetry, lyrics, emo pieces, crazy rantings and even boring, pointless entries
and it's this sort of nights that make me reflect on what i've done with my life so far...

19 years
so much has come and gone
sometimes i think of secondary school life in SCGS
and am reminded of all the triumphs i achieved in both my studies and sports
netball, basketball, tennis, badminton, gymnastics, cheerleading, softball, track and field, bowling and swimming, are just some of the sports i took part in and won medals and trophies for.
then there is the countless numbers of talenttime competitions that involved singing, dancing and acting... we mostly won because i had a great class with amazing talents to work with...
leadership roles such as peer support leader, literature peer mentor, etc were bestowed upon me and i relished them with great pride
memories of how i got a rude awakening when i scored on 28/100 for my sec3 mid-year a.math exams and ended up working so hard that i scored a 98% for my final exams
and i remember how i felt like an outcast in school early in sec1 because i was the only one from my primary school to go there and i knew no one... plus i couldnt fit into the majority of the girls because many are rich daddy's little girls who were pampered so badly i couldnt relate to them
it was made worse by myself because i was in a way so painfully shy that i didnt dare to approach them to make friends
things slowly changed... especially after i met people like Edna
she helped me through all the times when the other girls who didnt like me started spreading hurtful rumours about me, and through all those times when i had no faith in myself at all...
i hated my life in SCGS, but i guess i learnt alot from the girls there as well...
and undeniably, i had an enriching experience.
no where else would i have been able to participate in those 10 different forms of sports repeatedly over 4 years.

and not to mention poly life in TP
hectic
and the time just passed so suddenly
it seems like just yesterday when a whole group of us used to hang out together, chilling and bitching...
started with Cynthia, Jay, Nat and Chris
then joined Rozy
we were a rather crazy bunch of people at that time and i really enjoyed those times spent together
and now everyone's split... the only one left as a true friend to me is Rozy... whom i'm extremely grateful for and satisfied with ;)
and over the semesters, i've found other great friends as well...
you all know who you are lar right?!
yes darlingS... you...
and yes my nu-er... you...
and yes to all the other guys and gals who made my poly life as fulfilling as it should be...

this last lap... will be tough cos i know i'm distracted and not focused
but just like in a 4x100m relay, the anchor has the toughest job, but the most satisfying one too.
all the efforts of the previous 3 runners will ultimately boil down to this final anchor lap runner
make or break, it's all up to man and fate.

i think i'm beginning to ramble aimlessly... so guess i shall stop here.
it's 2.13 am
and Mitch is still in the recording studio...
tsk tsk tsk
get some rest and please try to take care?
seems to me you're working far too hard...
anyway
now, i shall try to get some sleep
so that i can do more work tomorrow
good night all!

2006-06-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

despite all that's said and done
solitude still beckons me to join its ranks
and yes,
i think i've signed up to be a member of the solitude society
singlehood...
means freedom
but can also mean loneliness
means self-discovery
but better not mean self-destruction

-------------------------------------------
[self-composed... 2003]

Rounding the left corner of the street
The cool evening breeze is in my hair
And the tears streamig down my cheeks

Where's everybody?
Where are the smiling couples hand-in-hand?
Where are the giggling children playing catch?
Where are the pimply teens acting like they own the world?
Where's everyone?

I'm lost
Can't find my way
Can't see where I belong
Can't find my way home
Where's me?

In the world I see myself in
No-one's there
No-one's there to pick me when I fall
To comfort me when I cry
Like now.
Where's everyone?

I've rounded the left corner of the street
The evening breeze is nowhere to be found
And the night's as still as my heart
My tears are still streaming
When will it ever cease to flow?
I wish for a huge torrent of rain
To mask my pain and tears
Where am I?

Where will I end up in?
Who will I end up as?
-------------------------------------------

Journey to the Past

Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Don't run back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No-one ever mentions fear
Or how the world can seem so vast
On a journey to the past

Somewhere down the road
I kow someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well startign now I'm learning fast
On this journey to the past

Home. Love. Family.
There was once a time I must have had them too
Home. Love. Family.
I will never be complete until I find you

One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
And bring me home
At last.
-------------------------------------------

Reflection

Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool
my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

I am now
in a world where I have to
hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must
be free to fly
That burns with a need
to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
what we think
how we fee?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
------------------------------------------
a new life
a new start...

2006-06-21T01:19:00.000+08:00

i hate you
how could you have did what you did, without giving a single thought for the people who love you so much, trusted you so much and needed you so much?
how could you have possbly did what you did, and turned back to point your accusing finger at us?
how could you blame us, for all the mistakes that you made?
how can you say you love us when you can obviously neglect us for your own pleasure whenever you wish?
how can you act like nothing is ever happening to us?
how can you undermine and ignore her, when all she ever needs is your love and devotion?
how can you?
how could you?
i hate you so very much... and only because i love you just as much...

2006-06-18T21:21:00.000+08:00

Had a nice time out last night...
caught Lindsay Lohan's Just My Luck at The Cathay in the evening
followed by dinner at Chijmes
The movie was funny, relaxing, not a very big deal but nevertheless a pleasure to watch
at least it made me smile while watching the very cute male lead fall on his face
haha
after the movie, we took a walk towards Chijmes
and ate our dinner at Bobby Rubino's
cos he had a craving for something sinful and fatty
Chijmes is now officially in football frenzy i must say
huge big screens everywhere
soccer fans everywhere
and is it my imagination or has prices of food and drinks gone up as well?
oh well
just a little too bad that i wasnt with a hardcore soccer fan
or else i would get to watch the Portugal vs. Iran match
haha
sorry to girls like Siying da jie da =)
instead of complaining of my guy neglecting me cos of World Cup, i think i would be the one neglecting my guy cos of it.
we walked to Esplanade and up the bridge
sat there to chill for quite a while before making our way home
all in all, i enjoyed myself...
didnt have to think of much so...
thanks...

watching Japan vs. Croatia now
at 12 mn, Brazil vs. Australia
at 3 am, France vs. S.Korea
so that means i wont be sleeping till 5am
which also means, it's highly possible that i'll come back here to rant about the matches
cya!

2006-06-16T23:06:00.000+08:00

my goodness!
Argentina just whacked Serbia&Montenegro 6-0!!!
amazing amazing match
the teamwork between the Argentinians
the instinctive passes they seemed to pull off without breaking a sweat
the way they flooded the opponents part of the field during an attack
i thought there were 20 players on the pitch instead of just 10 (excluding GK of cos)
this team, i can admit that i hadly know most of the players first-hand
but only because most are young, and not well-known.
nevertheless, it's an exceptional squad
so what if they're not famous?
they play well as a team and that's the most important
unlike Holland for example... who have great talented players but pathetic teamwork
and i think i got a new footbaling idol - Lional Messi!
he's a mere 18 years of age
i've heard all the hype about him since months ago
but i never did put any thought to it cos i never really see him in full action at top form
till today
his touches, runs and passes showed footballing maturity beyond his years
came on as a sub, created the 5th goal and scored the 6th
and at other times, he probed endlessly at the opponent's defence, showed great skill on the ball and vision to be at the right places at the right times
is it any wonder why Maradona claims that this precocious young talents will be his successor as the icon of Argentinian football?
haha
it's a crazy world
especially at the world cup
hmm
on hindsight, is this a sign?
that for Serbia&Montenegro's matches, we should all bet on "Total goals: 6" at the S'p pools?
vs Holland, it was 4-2 to the dutch
and now vs Argentina, 6-0
hmmm.... a hint to all world cup crazy gamblers out there?
hahahaha

i'm bored......
bored like crazy.......

2006-06-16T21:46:00.000+08:00

watching the Argentina-S&M match on TV now
alone at home, only because Mum and Dad brought the little ones to the Night Safari
seems like everything has became peaceful on the surface...
or has it?
if it truly has, i can only say that i really underestimated mummy's heart for forgiveness
nothing will make me happy, more than seeing my family happy together again
i'm in this stoned mood today
nothing much i feel like saying
so... one of my shortest posts ever...

2006-06-16T03:11:00.000+08:00

had a very enjoyable night today
met Mitch for dinner at suntec's Marche
said he wanted to treat me to a birthday dinner
so met him at 7.30 and we ate till 10.30
well
not really ate till 10.30
more like chatted till then cos we had our table cleared out even before 9 plus
then we realised that they were closing pretty soon so we left
drove to serangoon gardens to eat dessert
went to this realy nice a cosy ice cream place
and i ate a large waffle all by myself
yum yum
haha
chatted till about 1 am
and only realised the time when the girl came and told us they were closing
only on the car going home, did i realise that i just missed the 1st half of the England-T&T match
horrors!
just prayed that i didnt missed any goals
and as luck may have it,
England was having a tough time before i got home
was barely the 49th minute when i started watching
0-0
all i knew was that Lampard was working really hard, but not getting the results he deserved
Crouch was too lazy a player, who expected to be fed with the ball... never really made the effort to go to the ball. you know how when i used to play netball in SCGS, Mich would always scream at us to run for the ball and not wait for it to drop from the sky? yeah. it's the same thing.
J.Cole was like a mad bull, running about with the ball. going nowhere and getting nothing accomplished
Owen? well, look at ronaldo now and you might see what i mean when he's just a sad shadow of himself
A.Cole...spent too much time running up the flanks unnecessarily... tiring himself out and just barely covering his ass in the left defence. he has to thank Rio Ferdinand for that man.
Robinson was just too bored most of the time and that made him venture out more often thatn he was supposed to just to get a piece of the action pie
and finally, England got what they should have gotten earlier... the first goal...
peter crouch scored from a beauty of a cross from the deadball maestro of the world, Beckham
the second goal...
Gerrard added the 2nd after receiving a well-measured pass from (who else?) David Beckham.
So. WHo still wants to insist that Beckham is a pathetic player? He who single-handedly created all of England's 3 goals in the World cup finals so far?
one has to be fair to this guy...
he has matured stupendously since the previous world cup
as a captain, he no longer vies for attention and recognition with his teammates
in fact, it seems as though he has taken on the role of helping the younger ones
by giving them the passes, giving them the opportunities to launch attacks, and giving them endless encouragements when needed...
he just truly happy to see his teammates score for his country...
and i admire that in him now...
okay. i've ranted on long enough about soccer.
back to my original purpose
the last time i met mitch was like.... more than a year ago
and it felt good catching up
reminded me that i still had friends like him i should take time out to treasure and build a solid friendship with
before, i didnt dare to develop my friendship with these wonderful friends i have for fear to incurring the wrath and jealousy of certain people
but from now on, i'm not gonna let that deter me.
one year of not seeing each other, more than 8 mths of not chatting on the phone even, it's a surprise we chatted like we never missed a beat.
i enjoyed it...
thank you my dear friend...
hope to see ya soon again!
=)
hmm...
quite a messy entry
but what the heck...
i'm sleepy...
and hoping that paraguay can wake up at kill off the Swedes for England.
with 2 wins and 6 points in the bag, it more or less a guarantee of a spot in the round of 16.
but i'm lazy to watch the match
good night, world
i love you all

2006-06-14T19:02:00.000+08:00

sigh
who i am,
i know.
so does the people who know me.
i dont even need to pretend in anyway
and once again, i repeat myself -
to whoever out there who doesnt like me, doesnt like what i say, or doesnt believe a word i say:
just one question for you... then what the fuck are you still doing on my blog, reading about me?
here's a friendly advice for you guys... delete this webbie from your 'favorites' list, click on any other links on the 'links' section or just get the hell outta this browser page.
dont wanna see what you dont like? choose not to see it.
dont come after my tail when you made your own choice to see what you dont like.
these entries are really meant for the people who are truly concerned with how i'm doing
the people who want to hear my true feelings through my own words
the people who read to know, not to judge
in fact, the truth be told... these entries are really just meant for MYSELF.
a recording of my life, feelings and thoughts
passages to remind me of lessons i've learnt and
people in my life
hence, the only reason why you are reading it,
is only because i chose to write on a public website
say what you may
but it will never deter me from my style of writing
neither will it stop me from writing about what i really wanna write about
what i write is always inspired from my feelings at the point of writing, what has happened that's important enough to record down as a part of my life and sometimes, attempts to open my heart out to allow people to understand who i really am.
actually, i know that every human being has their own right to judge and perceive based on their own thinking and opinions
so think what you may
but be decent enough to keep your comments to yourself

2006-06-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

gayna nu-er!
haha
a special tribute to you wor...
this year, you're the only one who sang me a birthday song on my birthday itself
i was really surprised
and touched at the same time
thank you so very very much=)

Also the people who did wished me happy birthday,
but only after i posted my post that day
My cousins Sabrina and Regine
My sisters and little rascal brother
and everyone else
you know who you are ;]

and thanks to everyone who expressed your concern
after reading my entries
i hope to say here, that my entries have been posted because i really take this as my diary to voice out my emotions, thoughts and feelings
though there is so much that i am not at liberty to say on the WWW,
there's still a large bit of me revealed... as long as you know how to read between my lines and decipher the true underlying meanings
i never meant to say what i say to gain sympathy from anyone
if there's anything i want the least, sympathy would be it.
i write to vent my frustrations
so what better place to write than my own diary?
yes, i appreciate all of your concern fully cos it makes me feel loved =D
but not sympathy
ever since young, i never wanted it
i've proved myself to be capable of walking out of the darkest shadows, safe and sound
and i will continue proving myself
to all my detractors out there,
hold your tongue, wait and see.

i dont want to react to or comment against vile criticism thrown my way
it's a childish act
i've taken it, digested it, fumed at it and spat it all out
flush it all down the toilet bowl, along with the anger that came with it
for i dont believe i deserve any of that
think what you like but i believe that nobody ever deserves such vile, spiteful comments
no-one ever does
every single being in the world deserves their least bit of respect from others
if not for one point in their character, they do for another
no matter what a person has done,
even God forgives the worst of sins
and where does that leave unforgiving human beings?
getting involved, is merely lowering oneself to that sad level
so, the best way out is to believe in yourself, ignore all unconstructive crap and best of all -
learn to forgive with your heart.
one doesnt need to forget totally
it's good enough to forgive
one doesnt need to accept totally
it's good enough to understand
these are general comments cos i realised that it is getting far too blatant in today's society

2006-06-12T15:34:00.000+08:00

Thank you
and that's for all those out there who remembered my birthday
and bothered to say happy birthday at all
Bel, Rozy, Shawn, Christabel... thanks people =)
and also to people like Luke, Zhi Yang and Justin, who are a part of my past... though i never expected you to remember, you did. so thanks nevertheless...

and of course not forgetting the one person who made me smile at 12 midnight, in spite of the crazy way i was feeling yesterday
if it wasn't for you, i know i would have welcomed my 19th birthday in bed, with tears streaming down my face.
so thank you for making me smile
and forget my troubles for just those few hours

and Tian, thank you too
firstly, thank you for saying happy birthday despite knowing for sure that it's not a happy birthday for me.
secondly, thank you for explicitly saying that i caused you suffering and pain...
it made it all so clear to me
i guess despite the fact that i told you i'm gonna let go, and i told you to let go and not have hopes, you didn't really listen
only when i hardened my tone of voice and finalised it, did it filter into that mind of yours.
so thank you
for everything
memories, both good and bad
lessons, in every sense of the word
just like alot of things in life,
you hate for it to end, but it's still inevitable nevertheless
like people always say, the old has to make way for new and better things to come your way
now, you can put your mind at ease and take up your parents' offer to send you overseas to further your studies
there's no longer me around to burden you
we both have different things to work towards now
you've got your bright future to work towards
i've got to work towards keeping my faltering family together
and if i fail at that, i've got to work towards helping my mum bring my siblings up because she won't be able to do it alone.
our lives are so very different
there's so much that's not meant to be
here's something i read somewhere:
If you love him, let him go.
If he comes back, he's yours.
If he doesn't, he never really was was in the first place.
so all the best to you in all your future endeavours and undertakings
there'll always be a part of my heart that's occupied by you... or rather memories of you...
goodbye dear...
i believe that there's something one can learn from every relationship
i've learnt something from you... i hope you have from me too...
take it with you and keep it somewhere safe in your heart
for it shouldnt be something you can forget so simply

what's a birthday for anyway?
a celebration of life?
maybe
but for this year's birthday,
it shall be spent in solitude
doing my projects
and wishing for the best
a few days ago i remember saying that what i want for my birthday is a holiday
now, thinking about it,
here are my birthday wishes:
that nothing happens to my family
that daddy really will learn and stop behaving like a 20 year old
that the people around me are all safe and sound
that the people who love me will find their happiness soon
that i find my way home eventually...

it's a frightening thought
the thought that i might finally meet with something and never be able to recover from it
the thought that the worse is not here yet
the thought that one day, everything will spin out of my own control and i'll finally break down into a million pieces...
--------------------------------------------
All By Myself (Jamie O'Neal)

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
but when I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
I don't wanna live all by myself anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live...
Don't wanna live by myself, by myself anymore...
--------------------------------------------

Forgive

Forgive the sun who didn't shine
The sky had asked her in to dine

Forgive the stars who heard your wish
The moon had prepared their favourite dish

Forgive the rain for its attack
The clouds have tears they can't hold back

Don't hate the birds who are free
Don't envy the things they see

Don't block the wind, but hear its cry
Or else the wind may pass you by

Forgive the earth that never turns
Don't hate the sun, 'cos too much burns

Forgive the storm for it means no harm
Could not resist to show its charm

Life intends to not cause pain
The flowers bloom from all the rain

The storm will come and it will pass
The sun that shines, it grows the grass

The wind it cannot help but cry
The stars at night light up the sky

Forgive the world in which we live
We'll all find peace if we forgive
--------------------------------------------

2006-06-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

is it true?
that infidelity can be inherited,
and will run in the family?
as much as i hate to believe it,
it seems to be true
in the case of mine at least
and it seems to have broken my lovely family apart finally

my maternal grandma has 3 children
aunt, mummy and uncle
aunt and uncle got divorced a few years back with their spouses
aunt is still the responsible mum to my 3 wonderful cousins
and uncle is still the responsible dad to my other 2 young and vulnerable cousins
now, if things don't change,
mummy will be the 3rd and final child in her family to get a divorce
and when that happens,
the family i have always been proud of for sticking together through hard times,
will be shattered into small, unretrievable fragments of fragile yet possibly lethal glass shards.

and all that, thanks to the man who says he is my father
the man who held the heart of my mother since she was 16, till today's 40 years of age
the man who had the undeniable love of my mother despite his downfall and impregnable ego
the man who has given in to temptations again and again
the man who has had the forgiveness for his mistakes again and again
the man who never learnt how to appreciate all that he truly has to treasure
i wonder if, after saying all that, i can still call him a man
a true man stands up to his mistakes and admits them with honesty
a true man never should let the woman who loves him so despair
and that is a man i hate so much right now... only because i love him as much.

just weeks ago, we were planning a 20th wedding anniversary party for them
it would be on the 16th of January 2007
6 months shy of my 20th birthday
it would be a testament to their love and devotion
it would be one of the brightest moment of our family
and i would probably have been the one giving the first speech as their eldest daughter
as the only child they have that was present at the time of their wedding, albeit without much sensory abilities
today, all i know is that mummy said: "Dont bother with the 20th anniversary. there won't be any"

rudely awakened at 9.17 am
chloe and me stared blurry-eyed at the familiar figure standing at our door
and listened with disbelief as she made the announcement with tears in her eyes and voice lodged in her throat
and at that instant, i knew she meant it
19 years of living with her, i know by heart what she always said to me when anyone in the family quarreled or fought - never say anything in pique, knowing that you wont mean it an hour later. words spoken can never be taken back. harsh things said can mean forever despite the circumstances.
and she always practised what she preached
that's how i know that she means business
and having lived with my father for the past 19 years,
i also know full well what had triggered this avalanche
it was clear to me
walking out of my room to see my little brother sobbing on the living room sofa,
it just broke my heart
he said: "mummy say she dont love me anymore. she say she dont want me anymore"
but i knew she was just really really sad and didn't know who to take it out on
my first thought was whether mummy would walk out on us and leave us alone with a father who doesn't know how to be father
my second thought was how much i hate my father for taking things for granted
and then it dawned on me that i knew deep inside that this day would come sooner or later
all along, i knew what was underneath the facade of my father's dedication act
and i realised that as much as i hate for it to happen, it is inevitable

i'm turning 19 tomorrow
and i know full well what it feels like to be so brutally betrayed by the man you love
though it's incomparable, mine and hers, but i can see it from a woman's point of view
after devoting your entire youth and giving up your dreams for him,
the last thing you need is betrayal
it's unforgivable, what he's done
but what's worse is his point-blank refusal despite evidence against him
i felt like screaming at him, telling him that if he still is a man, he should face it like a man
admit his mistakes and plead for forgiveness
denying just made it disgusting and incorrigible

it came so suddenly... just yesterday we were the model of a happy family
eating dinner at beautiful Chijmes
playing games in the car on the ride back
them both taking my baby brother to taekwondo class and we eating macdonalds while watching the World Cup
what a difference a night can make

then i started hating the inventor of the SMS technology
without it, my father could probably have hidden his 'dirty linen' for the rest of his life
and we would still be the happy family we've always been
then i felt stupid
if my father was smart enough to learn how to say NO, where would those SMSes come from?
i grew up finding excuses for my father
just like how my mother constantly found excuses for him
but this time, we all give up
there's just no point is there?

mummy.
my siblings and father would probably hate me for saying this
but you are indeed still young
and as a woman, you do not have to bear with this humiliation
i could say it is but human to err and you should try giving dad another chance
but i know you have already given him umpteen chances
now, it's the last straw and you should spare a thought for yourself
you can still build a life outside of his
we all know that you are more capable of supporting yourself and us than he is of himself
i just hope you can remember that no matter what new life you build,
the 4 of us will be a permanent feature in it
our father made his mistakes, but we should not be punished
most of our growing up lives saw dad as a ghost
fleeting in and out, as and when he wanted
but you were the only constant in our lives
please stay that way...
if anyone should go, it's not you
it's him
because wherever you go, me and my siblings will follow you
it's easier for him to go, than for all of us
and grandma needs us too
she has literally no one else
her son erred
just like her husband did
but she's still our beloved grandma
this morning, your 4 kids sobbed
but the tears shed were for the complete family we had and wanted
i shed those tears for you as a friend and a girl
not just a daughter
because you've been hurt and seeing that, hurts me like crazy too
i will support your every action
and every step you take, i'll be right behind
i'll do everything it takes to support you...
trust me on that

when chloe looked at me with tear-filled eyes and more streaming down her cheeks,
and said she still wants the 20th anniversary party
that she doesnt want to make a choice
and asked: "is there nothing i can do?"
it broke my heart once again
she has never been in a relationship
she probably cannot really understand matter of the heart yet
but all i could say was that this was between the 2 of them
it's a relationship, love and trust problem
we are mere outsiders
though we are important stakeholders in the relationship,
they are the main players
and it's unfair to keep her in her misery for the sake of us
it's just not fair
and saying all that hurt...
it truly did
especially seeing the helpless look in here eyes

even if things changed and they decide to stay in the marriage,
things will never be the same again
it never will be
i just want the best for mother i love so dearly
i want what makes her happy
i want for her what i want for myself... a love that takes us to the end of our lives with lotsa laughter and happiness... a companion who respects and appreciates us...
if only he can be that person...

tomorrow's my birthday
my 19th birthday
12 June
and this must be the 'greatest' birthday gift of all
a punishment maybe?
for being the one who got them married in the first place
for being the one who made them take the first step into this marriage without a happy ending
i dont know
sure seems like it
why else have all my birthdays so far been disastrous?
why else does trouble appear to celebrate my birthday for me year after year?
i blew off the birthday celebration i was supposed to have with Edna today
i'm sorry sweetie
i just dont have the mood to go anywhere now
let alone be reminded of my birthday
in the first place, i never had the thought of celebrating my birthday this year
too many things have happened
how can i possibly enjoy my birthday, knowing that just weeks ago another soul has been denied of having that chance forever?
and now this...
god
i don't know
Sweetie, i'll make it up to you later this week or next week okay?
call me after you get back from camp alrighty?

life still has to move on
at least now my mind has been taken of my own troubles
or has it?

loneliness
is this what it feels like?
i know
there are people around for me
but where's that crucial figure in my life?
the one i know i can depend on and lean on whatever the storm is that's blazing around me
the warm embrace i so crave from whom should be there to kiss away all my pain and hurt
the significant one who will keep me warm no matter what mistake i've made
the one set of shoulders i need to cry on
i dont think i've ever felt so, so alone in my life

conclusion?
i hate birthdays
especially my own.

2006-06-10T20:48:00.000+08:00

England 1-0 Paraguay
that's the scoreline of England's first World Cup match earlier this evening
pathetic match
boring
well, the only goal of the match was an own goal.
so, go figure
no burst of brilliance, just pure luck 'cos Paraguay seemed intimidated and held back in the attacks most of the first half
and the Mexican referee officiating the match was plain ridiculous
one can't help but wonder whether he was just trying to impress Fifa with his 'no-nonsense' attitude
it sure pissed me off
slowed the game, made it excruciating to viewers like me and proved that not all who make it to the top are the best.
he obviously had something against Peter Crouch in any case
and that was pretty obvious
he was under 'restraining order' throughout the entire match
not given the opportunity to display his full potential
and what the hell was Eriksson thinking when he brought on Downing at the crucial point when England desperately need players with a thinking head on the pitch to guide them
Downing was obviously out to impress, but failed nevertheless
sprints down the flank without thought for fellow teammates
passing skills that made it seemed like his job was to hand over possession to the opposition
that being said, almost everyone was off-form
A.Cole, was just sad to watch
J.Cole, was active but not productive in any way
Gerrard just seemed to have his heart somewhere else. just not on the pitch in Frankfurt.
Lampard impressed though... his efforts were not rewarded only because he was up against an old substitute goalkeeper, who have not had much opportunities to prove himself before he had to replace the injured first-choice
Beckham was not as omni-present as he should and have been.
The backline held the fort in one safe piece and that should be applauded
i just hope to see more brilliance, more enthusiasm and less 'take-the-safe-route' tactics (like sit back and hold the backline after you take the lead. that's just sad. that's not what football should be like)
sorry folks
i've always been a soccer enthusiast who cannot stop once i begin dissecting my opinions of a match
shall stop now =p

had dinner with mum, dad, drago, chantal and chloe this evening at Chijmes
was intended to celebrate my birthday
but well, it was just a normal meal
without any mention of it being a birthday celebration
Gyu-Niku at Chijmes
Japanese table bbq
food was rather not bad
service was great
prices were steep
all in all, it was just average

tomorrow
gonna meet Edna tomorrow
finally!
can't wait for the long-awaited bitching session
and she so cute...
ask me whether i'll be wearing heels or flats
hmm
i'll wear flats =D
and don't worry, i won't wear a skirt too...
apparently, we'll have to sit on the floor at Essential Brew
so... thanks for telling me before hand sweetie!

i guess my previous posts created some doubts for you
and i guess i'm also right when i said that there are in fact people talking behind my back despite you telling me that i was just being suspicious of people around
but you know what?
i don't wanna know
and i don't really wanna care
and what's more,
does it matter whether or not i clarify if i love you or hate you?
what does it change?
how will it affect anything?
i have always maintained that i love you, and that i'll never be able to hate you
i might resent what has happened
i might resent how things have turned out with you
i might resent some things you do
but i wont ever hate you
so there you go...
the clarification you seem to need
and in case you dont already know, i made up my mind a long long time ago
about alot of things
for me to know and for you to find out

------------------------------------
An Angel Smiled

Today while I was lonely
and felt myself near tears
I thought I heard a gentle voice
whisper in my ears

The words were ones of comfort
but what, I do not know

They left me feeling better
and my spirits higher though

So as I walked along
on this suddenly bright day
I knew my heart had lightened
'cause an Angel smiled today
-----------------------------------

2006-06-08T20:41:00.000+08:00

The Way You Look Tonight

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

You're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
---------------------------------

Sway

When marimba rhythms start to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sounds of violins
----------------------------------

2006-06-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

OB paper yesterday was pretty ok
no problem passing probably, just a matter of how well i can pass
oh well
no point worryng

thanks to my darlings, i enjoyed my day greatly
first, thanks to Sher for giving me my birthday present
albeit a little early but i'm very happy, nonetheless...
Sher, Bel, Cal, Tat, Drey
thanks to the 5 of you who sent me birthday wishes in the lovely little notebook...
short, but thoughtful
i really appreciate it
thanks again =)

Went to town to watch The Omen with Rozy
we wanted to try out the new The Cathay cinemas at dhoby ghaut
despite the rather 'unfinished' exterior and empty shop units,
it's amazing how crowded the cinemas are
the cinema i was in, was packed to the brim
even the first rows were filled
i felt the show was over-rated
seriously over-rated
the ending was like a major anti-climax and it ended so abruptly
disappointing
and maybe it's cos the building is new, the theatre was freezing cold
i had my shawl and i was still freezing...
poor sayang didnt even have her jacket with her

before the show started, we were chilling at Mac's at PS
it was the most relaxing time i've had in a long long time
major bitching and chatting
i enjoyed myself thoroughly with you =)
*muackz*

----------------------------------
Home (by Michael Buble)

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I'vegot to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
---------------------------------
above,
are the lyrics of the song Home by Michael Buble
heard the song in the theatre before the show started yesterday
touched a chord somewhere deep in my heart
read between the lines and you might just see what i mean
and everytime i hear that song now, i'd think of the band at Long Bar
Sunny sings the song every night,
and he's great at it.
makes me miss the days working at that place
sigh
and it makes it miss you more
like they always say: Home is where the heart belongs.
is it true?
i don't know...
sigh

i wanna go home... to where my heart belongs...

2006-06-06T17:41:00.000+08:00

" Wounds need to grow scabs before they can even start to heal."
so i tell myself,
what's the point of peeling off newly-developed scabs?
you'll just be leaving your wounds wide open,
letting it hurt even more.
it'll only take much longer to heal.
don't read too much in this.
it's just meant to remind us all that one should never say "never"
it is indeed possible to heal.
as long as you give yourself a chance
choosing to ignore the source or cause of your pain, is the first step and the most lethal weapon to your destructive downfall.
choosing to turn away help or close off your world from what's out there, is the next step to the continuous downward spiral of self-destruction
that opening phrase in quotes, is something i got from a TV drama and it struck a chord deep in my heart... so people, stop saying that TV is useless... you can gain the right things from the right shows =)

seeing my sayang Rozy today was just the boost i needed...
to her, i could speak my heart and say all that i feel
" thank you for understanding me, sayang. thank you for not judging me and just being there. when it comes to my heart and where it truly lies, no-one knows better than you. so, thank you for pointing it out to me once again... i'll work towards not letting you down anymore. bless you and your happiness. you so deserve it all =) "
then seeing my darlings bel and sher, made my day further... thank you girls!

i've got an organisational behaviour exam tomorrow and i hope i'll get through it cos... i've barely studied. just can't get my heart down to it. sigh
bless me
pray for me
plus, this module is really really boring.
it's probably cos i've taken an introduction to psychology subject before
and the concepts i'm studying in OB now are just so similar
sigh sigh sigh
i'll be sacrificing my sleep tonight
so... i hope the past week of constant sleeping comes to good use tonight...

i got one wish for my upcoming birthday...
i want a holiday!
anywhere... just as long as it's outta S'pore
sigh
but, financial constraints make it seem all impossible
grrrr....
oh well
i'll just have to make do with home sweet home.

below, are some stuff that puts into beautiful words how i feel about certain things...
and yesterday's post has some entries of these "poetry" as well...
hope it says more than i can ever say myself...
----------------------------------
Although we have to be apart,
We'll always be together,
Close enough in mind and heart
To manage any weather.

Reality is often bleak,
But love remains inside
A glass house on a mountain peak,
The wintry world beside.

Love can build its own four walls
And heat its own small room.
Through icy winds and blinding squalls,
Love can be in bloom.

Though continents drift far downstream
And mountains disappear,
And life dissolve into a dream,
Our love will still be here,
You'll turn, and I'll be here.
---------------------------------
I wish that I could be with you
And hold you in my arms,
Whisper all my love to you
And kiss away your tears.

I wish that I could take your cares
And put them all away,
Neatly folded into drawers
While pleasure lights your smile.

I wish that joy could step inside
Your heart and stay awhile,
And all the rain could turn into
A rainbow in the sun.

And all our loneliness like mist
Could fade into the blue,
A memory of sad, hard times
That happened long ago.

But I cannot come home right now,
And you cannot come here;
And so our dreams must be the fields
On which we laugh and play.

If life cannot be what we want,
It will, it will be so;
For love can turn the harshest light
To gold through sheer affection.
----------------------------------
If you loved me, you'd be there for me
To help me do the things I want to do.
My whole life wouldn't be only for you,
Nor would my love determine who you'd be.

I want you to respect what I do well,
To share the joy I feel when I succeed,
To give me the encouragement I need,
To be my wings, not my protective shell.

I love you, and I want you to be mine,
But I would never say you're not allowed
To be a person who would make me proud,
To step outside into your own sunshine.

2006-06-05T15:19:00.000+08:00

"People judge but we must always ignore. For we live for ourselves and those who love us. These are the people who will always accept us for who we are and hold our hands to guide us through our darkest days."

I received an email last night at about 1.30 am
and the above are the few sentences that brought tears to my shadowed peepers
the email, was from Edna.
and i dont even know how to start saying how much that short note meant to me
someone cares for me truly from the bottom of her heart
i cant even remember the last time i saw her
but the memories we share are so deeply engraved in my heart
how much truer can those words be?
what is the point of living your life for people who judge you and cannot accept you as who you are? people change. and if they cannot accept your changes and walk through those tough and confused times with you, they are just not worth it.
thank you, sweetheart
for pointing that out to me...
i've said this before, and i'm gonna say it again...
you're one of the best gifts i can ever wish for... heaven-sent.
i dont care what kinda person you are... cos i just know that you are exactly who you are and that you'll still be the true friend i can count on.
thank you...

over the weekend, i've been talking to a truly treasured person...
and i can only say that your words and your being there, is the timely enlightenment i need
it reminded me that there is really someone who can accept, understand and support me for who i am.
it made clear to me that if i broke down and gave up, i won't be letting down just myself
it told me that i should live my life for someone like you, whom loves me refuses to judge or let go... whom treasures and cherishes me as a person...
thank you...

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Love is never easy, but
It turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstance
That love cannot transform.

There is no weary moment
Of anger or despair
That love cannot convert to grace
And render whole and fair.

How passionate the paradise
That comes from knowing well
That someone in your happiness
Finds pleasure for himself.

How sweet the gift of giving to
Someone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.

With all the searing madness of
The world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness that
No joy can take away,

There is one truth more beautiful
Than anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.
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Thank you for staying in my life.
How could I have ushered you away?
Another person might have made me pay,
Needing the sweet vengeance of my grief.
Kindness is in everything you do.
You must love me very much to stay.
Often now, some moment of each day,
Unbidden, I am grateful I have you.
--------------------------------------------
The more I am away from you,
The more I want you here.
The more I do without your love,
The more I want you near.

I know that it makes little sense
To want what's not around,
But there's just one true love for me
And that's the one I've found.

We've gone through all the weather maps,
The sunshine and the rain,
But I would take a sea of storms
To be with you again.
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today, i am gonna finally get down to studying.
spending the entire week resting in bed and letting my mind wander to crazy thoughts
it's enough
if i wanna work for that schloarship i so want and need, i've gotta buck up.
right?
so,
it's time to pray and hope for the miracle i need
but before i start, is there anyone i can copy my notes from? hmm... i'll see ;)