Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Dear all,
If you are still here, I have to explain that the period of time when my blog was unreachable, it was due to a technical fault by blogger.
hence, i have created a new space for myself
www.i-am-cleopatra.blogspot.com
i hope that with a new blog, a new fresher layout and a new year,
my life will no longer be as dark as this one you are reading now.
as my friends, i am inviting all of you to continue to be a part of my life.
this blog will remain an important part of my memories forever...
but i hope the new space will bring me happiness like this one didn't.
thank you...
'fallen_angel'
10:44 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I rest my case.
'fallen_angel'
6:31 PM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
why must there be so much pain and hatred in this world?
i can see why you are upset.
but i have to say this - you havent been replaced. and you never will be.
i'm lying if i say that i can forget you or replace you.
it's impossible.
so what if i'm dating again?
does that mean i'm in love again or happy?
no.
so not.
i'm just seeking company to absolve my loneliness.
dad's in depression now.
undergoing counselling and on medication.
you know how it feels for me?
you know how horrible it is to hear your dad speak of suicide?
everyday i live on the edge of insanity and fear.
because i dunno when everything in my life will fall apart.
it doesnt help that i'm so so occupied by attachment that i cant even remember the last time i had a proper dinner and conversaton with my family.
no matter what my dad has done in the past, he is still my dad.
i still love him.
i'm so so lost and i dunno what to do.
you remember why you broke up with me?
the root of it is that you felt i dont make enough effort to spend time with you.
now, can you see that it's not just you? my family is suffering too.
and do i have a choice?
no i dont.
if i had one, i'll never neglect my family. and you should know how important my family is to me.
i dont even know if you're reading this, but i still have to say it.
you know why i started dating again?
because i got sick and tired of drowning myself in alcohol night after night after night..
which was what i did the week after we broke up.
it was my only other alternative.
say what you may like.
like you said in your own blog, you wont wish me happiness and you wont give me your blessings. i hope you're happy now that i'm not getting a single ounce of happiness in every single aspect of my life.so what if i'm dating again?
i still cry myself to sleep every other night.
and i only knew about my dad's depression a few days ago.
via email.
because my mum couldnt find a way to speak to me besides my email.
cos she knows i check it for work regularly.
and to think we stay in the same house. in the same small small house.
you have any idea how patheticc that feels?
and i cannot even take a day's break... cos LO warned me that if i take another day of MC, i'll have to re-do my entire SIP. retarded.
so what do i do now?
continue.
and pray hard that god gives me enough time to make it all up to my family when SIP ends.
i'm living on borrowed time now.
and i wish so hard, that i have enough of it.
why isnt anyone there?why doesnt anyone care?why is there no understanding in this world or in my life?what am i to do now???
so much pain, so much hurt, so much anger, so much confusion...
so lost...
'fallen_angel'
9:06 PM
Saturday, November 11, 2006
and yes... i still do read your space. all the time.
i'm glad you now enjoy my habit of reading alone at starbucks.
i still do, you know...
take care of yourself...
and i'm really proud of you, and happy for you... for all the successes and great times you're having at work...
glad you took the advice to try new things... you've really gained from it...
really really happy for you...
all the best...
so much that wants to be said... but also so much that no longer needs to be said... it's all said and done, ain't it?
'fallen_angel'
8:00 PM
It's been awhile...
Firstly,
the reason why i seemed to have disappeared from the face of earth for so long is due to a few factors:
#1 - Attachment at TT is so torturing, time-consuming and energy-sapping. for example, yesterday i was on the afternoon shift and worked till 10plus. then was forced to go for the irritating DnD at Hilton Hotel until 12plus. it was a waste of time and i truly didn't see an enjoyment in it. It would be ok, except for the fact that this morning, i had to be at work at 7am. which means if i go home and sleep, i need to wake up at 4.30am. which will leave me with barely 2 to 3 hours. i didn't dare to sleep, cos i know i'd definitely not be able to get up. so, hanged around in orchard throughout the night. so as of now, i've gone about 30-odd hours without sleep. and i feel like a walking zombie.
#2 - back to modeling. done a few days of modeling for OSIM's new product... awfully good money but it's not dependable. been shuttling around for auditions and castings with some near successes but still lacking the last stroke of luck.
#3 - FBMA youth arm... time-consuming and it's a heavy responsibility. i know i will relish the responsibility. i just need to get used to it...
#4 - still helping my manager at TT deal with some of his workload from the ARDE Singapore. should be over soon... hopefully.
#5 - as some people would have already seen, i'm back in the dating field. so yes, i'm not gonna hide the fact that i've bounced back from heartbreak and as always, i believe strongly in light at the end of the tunnel still... think what you may think about me and say what you may say. all i have to say is - my uncanny ability to bounce back from my losses and stand up stronger has led me thus far all these years. and this ability does not make me less of a woman than i am. whatever impression you may draw, it's your impression afterall. no, i havent forgotten the past, and neither have i forgotten you or him. no way will i forget. i have merely chosen to give myself a chance... and put the keys to my happiness in my own hands instead of anyone else's. if this doesnt make sense to you, dont bother trying to figure it out. cos it's likely that you never will...
all i know now,
is that i need sleep.
desperately.
once upon a time,
i could go without sleep for 72hours on end,
work 17hour shifts for 3 to 4 days in a row,
and not feel the tug of weariness.
but i can't now.
i wonder if it because i'm growing old,
or it's merely cos i'm not enjoying my job?
wonder wonder wonder.
it's was great to see familiar faces along the streets... especially GAYNA! nu-er! getting prettier and prettier by the day... i saw the puzzled look in your eyes and i promise i'll explain it to you when we get the chance yeah? =) oh and you take care too...
Gavin, Shawn, Joce and gang!
KTV!!!!
i want my kopitiam sessionsssssssssssss toooooo...........
i'm dying from cold turkey...
and i truly truly miss you people...
take care and dont work too hard wor.....
good night...
i'll try to be back as soon as i can.
'fallen_angel'
7:37 PM
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I'm a Porsche 911!
You have a classic style, but you're up-to-date with the latest technology. You're ambitious, competitive, and you love to win. Performance, precision, and prestige - you're one of the elite,and you know it.
Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
Haha! that's me.
what say you?
'fallen_angel'
11:30 PM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
i'm tired,
i'm still trying very hard to recover from my illness,
i'm stressed out,
i'm losing my battle with sanity,
i'm falling back into a self-destructive rut,
i'm beginning to hate myself again.
i wanna blog because i just watched World Trade Center.
but i'm really not in the right state of mind now.
abit groggy from no sleep, work, permanently putting on a mask.
just a word of advice: dont waste money on the show. go watch if you just wanna find a legitimate reason for crying in public. dont watch if you're thinking of Titanic. download, or wait for dvd/vcd. mark my words.
i need to sleep.
badly.
even after my dad's valium, i still cant sleep.
there's something wrong with me.
i'm supposed to be able to sleep anytime, anywhere, no matter what happens.
wish me luck.
'fallen_angel'
1:17 AM
Monday, October 09, 2006
i feel horrible.
my whole body's weak and aching.
my head is spinning.
my nose is leaking.
i had no choice but to take MC today from work.
i woke up and went to work in the morning... going against the wishes of my body.
in the end, i was feeling so so very terrible that i felt like fainting while delivering newspapers.
after working for 2 hours, i had no choice but to go home.
wasted my time waking up so early.
grrr....
so i'm using the first of my 2 days MC.
and i think the virus is working its way down to my stomach to gimme a stomach flu.
i can feel it already.
i might have to take tmw off too...
sigh...
this sucks.
i hate SIP.
should i or should i not?
if i go to work, i'm just afraid i wont get enough rest and i wont recover.
but if i dont go to work, it means another day of MC.
shit.
how?
how?
how?
i'm all groggy from the medication.
going to bed now...
bye all...
so they say...
good luck, fortune and happiness never fails to shun my way...
misfortune and unhappiness finds me wherever i go, whatever i do.
i miss you.
'fallen_angel'
8:06 PM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
i'm sick.
fever, sore throat, runny nose, headache, etc.
and i'm quite sure that the main culprit is the freaking haze that's clouding our lives.
last night i went drinking again.
and i think my alcohol tolerance level has risen quite abit... drinking more than usual, i didnt get as woozy as i usually would.
but what i wanted to say was the the haze outdoors was worse than the haze in the pub, where people are smoking everywhere in an air-conditioned place.
wadehell lar.
and my sensitive nose just gave way and i woke up with all that i mentioned above.
wanted to take MC... but couldnt bear to waste my only 2 days of entitlement cos i'm sure i'll need more over the next four months.
sigh...
my head is spinning now...
and i still have to work morning shift tmw.
i need to sleep.
surviving on 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night is not good.
it's beginning to take its toll on me and on everything i do.
but i cant seem to sleep when i need to.
i fall asleep while trying to read emails at work.
i fall asleep during my meal breaks while eating.
i fall asleep on the bus and MRT.
i fall asleep in the car.
but the moment i lie in bed, when the lights are off and the night is quiet,
i cant sleep.
i close my eyes and i start dreaming even before i fall asleep.
and i find myself awake soon after.
i dunno why that is so...
too many messy thoughts in my mind maybe.
to everyone who's wondering what happened,
you can ask me if you really wanna know.
i'll tell you the facts and as for everything else, its up to you to decide.
the difference between now and before, is that i no longer want to be put within risk of being given an ultimatum of 15 minutes to delete my entries again.
and i no longer wanna be accused of victimising others and making myself seem like the poor thing in the story.
whatever happened, happened for a reason.
and in everything that happens between 2 people takes 2 hands to clap.
i'll stop here.
the more i go on, the higher the risks.
i'm still in pain but i'll recover.
maybe not completely, but i will.
i have to.
cos i cannot let the past repeat itself.
take care everyone...
i miss you all...
'fallen_angel'
8:17 PM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Conclusion: Getting pissed drunk 3 days in a row is not good.
not good for your physical health and neither is it good for your mental wellness.
The usually nice to everyone at work me started snapping at people who got on my nerves early in the morning.
And this morning, I was late for work. AGAIN.
2nd time!
I've never had the habit of being late for work. More often than not, I'm early.
Idiot.
Serves me right for downing Martell till 12plus last night though I was supposed to wake up at 4.30am.
Today at work, I found myself with more responsibilities than usual.
And by right, I shouldn't have any problems handling them.
Sigh.
And when Rose called me while I was paying for my retail therapy,
to ask me about some envelope that she swears she saw me holding,
i blanked out.
"envelope? what envelope? i dunno... i have no impression of myself holding the envelope. i swear!"
I ended up getting scolded by her but i really dunno!
I'm still thinking if she's right or she made a mistake.
shit.
sigh.
my heads all light and heavy at the same time.
the only thing i can be glad of is that i go drinking with my dearest cousin so i know there's always someone to take care of me and i know i'll never do foolish things once i get drunk.
better still, my dad sponsors my Martell and Chivas!
haha... indirectly lar...
Anyway,
I indulged in a little bit of retail therapy this afternoon while waiting for my mum to end work so she can send me home.
Did I mention that she's joined a new company and her office is in Shaw Centre? Haha... yeah.
went into Zara and just took whatever caught my eye.
so satisfying.
i haven't shopped decently for more than half a year!
goodness...
anyway, i was so excited that i mistakenly took a pair of leggings that are too small for my thunder thighs.
-_-"
yeah so... i have to go back and exchange tomorrow.
maybe get one more item.
today didn't have much time.
but i have to keep reminding myself that i have limited pay.
like SUPER UBER limited. this latest paycheck? $307.
like... WTF?
so yeah.
i guess now i have time to go work part-time?
no other commitments except for internship.
if people like Jovi can still work at Waraku despite internship,
i guess i can too.
at least with a part-time job to occupy my nights, i wont have the time and energy to think too much, much less get mself pissed-drunk at a place my dad frequents like his 2nd home.
so yeah.
i'll still think about it.
i think i still have Lawrence's number.
hmmm...
maybe some other place that isnt so strict to their staff... somewhere i can drink and enjoy on the job.
maybe... maybe...
yesterday was our first FBMA youth arm meeting.
at Conrad Hotel.
So now, I'm officially the PR Manager.
sounds great huh?
I feel up to the challenge, and I hope I don't let myself down.
At least I'm working in line with my goals to go into Communications.
Though my first love would still be journalism, i guess i wouldn't wanna study it.
get what i mean?
i need a career that i can satisfy myself with. Journalism can be a hobby.
oh well.
and... F&B will be my first platform. because it is where i know i can definitely excel in. it is where i know i have the knowledge and expertise in. one step at a time. in terms of life and career, i'm still very young and tender.
and my assistants? Sherry and DreY!
haha...
PR is gonna be a freaking havoc department.
happening sia
haha...
i hope we'll work well together with passion and commitment. The exact same ingredients needed to succeed in the F&B industry.
i've thought of our directions and goals already so it's a good start i guess.
i want to turn back time.
i want to forget the present.
i wanna un-do all the happiness i've caused myself and others.
i wanna un-do everything i've done to hurt myself and my loved ones.
will i ever get a chance?
if i do, will i take it?
i wanna go on a long long holiday.
alone and peacefully.
i think i lost myself somewhere along the past 3 years...
i need to search for the true me.
i wanna travel to places like Eqypt, New Zealand, Australia, Switzerland, Italy, France, etc...
i need a sponsor who's willing to gimme the money but at the same time dont want to travel with me.
hahaha...
like so impossible.
Walking in Zara with its winter collection,
i dream of a white christmas in somewhere like Japan or London.
it's been a long time since i first had this dream.
and i still have it.
it burns within me and its like a flame that grows bigger and stronger as the years pass by.
now i need to go sleep early.
cos tmw early morning have to go SIR building with granny...
probably gonna need a sleeping pill but yeah...
good night all...
'fallen_angel'
8:15 PM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
i realised once again today that drinking doesnt solve a thing.
it only succeeds in giving me a champion hangover and brings me tears.
i walked away because it's all i could do then.
i knew i'd lose all my courage if i turned back.
it hurt so bloody much to walk away...
but i had to.
i love you so... and hence i'm letting you go.
you want it, we'll do it. your way.
good night.
i'm going to bed to nurse the head and the heart.
'fallen_angel'
2:14 AM
