Thursday, August 31, 2006
"When a guy doesn't love you the way you want him to, doesn't mean that he doesn't love you with all he has."
this is a quote that has appeared on my blog more than a few times.
and i know there's a few people out there who has benefitted from reading this on my blog.
but you would also know that it's easier said than done.
but then again,
i know he loves me...
and i've never doubted the fact that he does.
but things have become so difficult...
i'm lost.
i dunno what to do now...
dear,
you said i should love you for who you are.
and i'm telling you i do.
i really do.
everytime i get angry or upset,
its only because i'm trying to make you aware of your bad habits and that you should correct them.
for your own good because i dont want people to think of you or look at you as a slob with no care for your image.
i dont get angry for no rhyme or reason.
sigh.
i dont know how to explain it to you.
you said i can get angry.
but be sweet and not get frustrated.
but really...
be sweet when i'm angry/upset?!?!it's something that nobody in this world can do all the time.
you think i like being angry?
it's taxing on me too.
if you think you dont deserve all this,
then me neither.
i admit i like being treated like a million bucks.
so?
which girl doesnt like to be treated like a princess?
sigh.
i love you tian.
but if this is taking so big a toll on us,
i dunno what to do already.
you want me to be nice.
you want me to be sweet.
you want me not to get angry at you so often.
i want to be able to do all that too!
but though i can say i will try to not be pissed so often,
it's not possible for me to be nice and sweet when i am not happy.
really. it's impossible.
you say that i'm not sweet to you.
but... i can vividly remember times when i am.
when i do things for you too.
sigh.
you said you've changed too much for me.but let me just remind you that before we got back together,YOU promised that you'll change.and i told you not to make promises that you can't keep.and i kept on telling you that.but you confidently insisted that you will and you want to.even when i told you i dont need you to change.now you're turning back and telling me that i should love you for who you are and you dont want to change? that you just want to be you?i dont know what you want.some people say that guys can promise you the stars and the moon to get you, but the moment they get you they forget all their promises and regret them.
is it true?
i hope it's not.
if you say that i shouldnt have gotten angry at you for what happened at my house the other day, that i should be nice even if i got angry,
i say i'm not sorry.
for one,
if that dishonesty is part of who you are, i'm telling you now that i cannot accept it.
for two,
i had my right to be pissed at whoever intruded into my privacy.
even my mum dont dare to look into my stuff cos i've screamed at her and cold-war-ed her for doing that before.
so you being my boyfriend doesnt grant you such privileges as well.
sigh.
i dunno why i'm saying all these.
as if it's gonna be of any use.
i'm just wasting my time.
i'm wasting my time constantly.
argh.
'fallen_angel'
1:22 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
DPD's finally over.
And I don't wanna comment on how well I might do because I know I did all I can...
How well I end up doing will be up to how much moderation takes place I guess...
oh well.
And that also means it's the end to examinations in TP.
no more...
though it sucks,
i'm still gonna miss all of it.
studying with my sayang rozy at our regular benches,
taking breaks ever so often,
and gorging ourselves with food from Cheers and Biz Park.
sigh.
memories.
thank goodness rozy will be doing her SIP with moi!
haha.
ok i'll stop gloating.
anyway,
went to KBox at Marine Parade after the paper with Gavin, Shawn, Jocelyn, Siok, Weiting and Siying.
Had one of my worse times at KTV ever.
But it's all due to personal reasons, so don't be offended in any way...
We were there from about 2.30 to 9.40 pm.
7 hours of singing.
and usually,
i'll be high and it helps to erase all my troubles. at least for that period of time.
but today,
all i could think of was: when is my hp going to ring?
will it be who i'm expecting?
will it be who i'm waiting for?
i was in no mood at all.
absolutely.
everyone there could attest to it i'm sure.
i wasn't singing,
i was drinking tiger beer (like, eww? beer?),
i was keeping to myself at one corner of the small room.
so everyone for being kinda anti-social today...
really wasn't in a good mood.
i keep thinking to myself... if he really doesnt call, does it really signal the end?
do i really have to once again put down everything to take the initiative?
even though nothing was my fault?
even though he's the one who is supposed to convince me that i should forgive him and give him another chance?
or maybe he doesnt want the chance anymore.
maybe that's it.
i cant think of any other explanation for this whole day of "no contact".
maybe this time it really is over... is it?
sigh...
i thought the usual gang can help me drive away my troubles like they always have...
but seems like today's a bad day for everyone.
it wasnt of any use.
i wish i went home and hid myself in bed the whole day after my paper this morning.
i wish nothing has ever changed in my life.
i wish...
sigh...
wishes are bullshit material that only serves to life your hopes sky high and dump everything on you at the end of the day, making you mor miserable than you ever were before.
whatever happens,
happens for a reason.
but the reason better be a good and valid one...
i feel like burying myself in the midst of my newly changed comforter and sleeping my whole life away.
i dont wanna have to do anything anymore...
everything sucks right now.
by the way, which girl in her right mind eats KFC 4 times in one week, 2 times in a day?
i did that.
piece of shit.
no wonder i'm putting on so much weight.
argh!!!!
i'm gonna go while my life away and rot myself to sleepy death, while trying not to keep both ears on my phone. and trying not to have any hopes.
fuck this life.
'fallen_angel'
11:35 PM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
i should never have ask you over to my place.i should never have fell asleep and left you with full access to my computer.and once again, thanks alot for probing into my privacy.there's a reason why not a single soul in this world knows about my private blog.because it's PRIVATE.it's for me, myself and I.ONLY.i can't believe you peeped into it while i was asleep.and totally denied it COMPLETELY when i asked you."WHAT??? I never do anything! I was just blogging lor! What other blog?"bullshit lar.there is such a thing called "ctrl+h"?and even when i "ctrl+h"-ed for you to see, with the proof in your face,you can still deny. VEHEMENTLY.makes me wonder if denial is all that you're ever good at.makes me wonder whether this is the first time you are vehemently denying something you've done, but in fact you're just trying to cover up your mistakes.if all you did is peep, i might still be able to forgive.but not when you lied so blatantly in my face!and you expect the nice things you've done to cover and make up for this betrayal of trust?(btw, some examples of nice things = coming all the way to pasir ris to study with me, and giving me one stalk of sunflower 2 weeks ago.)firstly,i'm perfectly fine studying alone. you were the one who needed someone to motivate you to study. so, it's only FAIR that you came.secondly,one stalk of sunflower. and only 'on the way' because your buddy wanted to go get flowers for his girl. and please, flowers don't mean everything. i've received big bouquets and never been influenced by them before.as for everything else you've done for me,i do bear them in mind.
i've never forgotten any of them.
but seriously,it doesn't make up for betrayal in trust anyhow.be glad that at least i gave you more than hour to TRY explaining yourself before chasing you outta my house.and be glad i didnt show my anger in front of my dad.cos the consequences would be rather disastrous then (dad's quite protective over what's his)
i know i was a little harsh when i said that i've not been happy with you ever since we got back together.
but as you already know, i blog about happy AND unhappy things.
go back and count how many happy and unhappy posts i have.
compare them.
i'm happy to be back with you.
but when i think back, here's what i think:
i agreed to be with you again only because i felt you can make me truly happy this time.
bcos i felt that you know how to make me happy this time round.
bcos i knew that you deserve a chance to prove yourself.
but have you?
i really wanna cherish this relationship.
but you're making it so difficult...
like i said: i have 2 types of anger.
1. violent, vulgar and loud. that would mean that it's a fit of anger. i might easily forgive you.2. quiet, silent and i ignore you. it just means i've given up hope.even you can say that you "know that it's difficult to forgive, but can you forgive me?"should i?think about it.why should i forgive you just cos you said so?what makes you think i can trust you?trust when you say you'll never do it again?why make me try to do something that even you know is difficult?forget it lar.i give up.in case you don't already know, i have a few major pet peeves:1. i am fiercely protective over my privacy2. i hate people who lie to me. especially those who do it without blinking their eyes.3. i hate people who think i'm a fool. to think i'm easy to get and easy to bluff.under-estimate me and you're screwed.whatever you need to do now,i dont care really.dont ask me.it's for me to know and for you to find out.if you cant even be bothered to find out, i dont wanna stay in this piece of shit anymore.and find out, not from me.leave me alone.of all times, just before the paper i'm most worried about.you're amazing.i've never gotten this worked up over anyone before.no-one before you.proud now?happy now?satisfied?Rozy says: "forgiveness is letting go of a hurtful situation and moving on with your own happiness" hurtful situation - attempting to convince myself to let go. my own happiness - where? with whom? right where i am? but where's the so-called happiness? most people reading this probably think i'm being unreasonable and there's nothing to be so pissed off about. but i have my own principles. my own strict sets of principles. and rule no. 1 = never to let go of my principles cos even if the whole world doesn't respect it, i should respect my own. why should i forgive someone who knowingly betrays my trust in my face, in my territory and can defend himself? why should i?
'fallen_angel'
6:07 PM
last day of mugging for DPD exams, which is tomorrow.
I'm so super stressed out now.
sigh.
And Tian's sleeping.
On my bed.
Grrr...
He's supposed to be here studying, and he ends up sleeping.
SO not surprising rite?
And he was the one who insisted on meeting me at 9am, at Pasir Ris.
Knowing very well that he's not a morning person.
tsk tsk tsk.
getting on my nerves.
i need to study with someone who has the same sense of urgency as I do.
ROZY!!!!
i need you...
sigh.
and when i'm trying to focus on my studying,
he keeps asking "why are you so agitated? are you upset or angry?"
and i'm like: no? i'm just stressed out and trying very hard to study.
grrrr
maybe the long period of time apart has changed me. how? sigh. i'm trying... i'm really trying.
'fallen_angel'
11:30 AM
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I'm left with 3 days to DPD exams.
And I doubt I'm even halfway through my studying.
Sigh.
Distractions distractions distractions.
I hate distractions.
And now, there's a whole bunch of SA stuff waiting for me to do.
Like I'm damn bloody free.
Sigh.
And I don't think I'm even part of the project committee for this event.
But nevertheless,
when it comes to SA,
I know I'll always give my best.
I just hope that I get what I deserve at the end of the day.
I need to study.
I need to study.
I really really need to study.
AHHHH....
can someone take away my headaches once and for all?
so sick and tired of it.
makes me wanna sleep the day away.
and i can't!!!
'fallen_angel'
4:45 PM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Organisational Behaviour paper yesterday was pretty ok.
MCQ was really tricky,
but everything else was pretty ok.
Just praying that I can get my A for this subject.
Shouldn't be a very tall order as long as I did my questions accurately.
Which I of course think I did =P
Got back 70% of our Ticketing& Reservations grade too...
As with ALL other subjects... got a B+.
Not extremely satisfied but I guess one cannot ask for much...
especially when I've done pretty well as compared to others...
Out of about 148 students, only less than 10 As.
You get the drift...
So I shall be happy with what I got =)
Just hope I can at least maintain it with my final test grade...
*hopes and prays*
hmm...
getting myself psyched up to start mugging for DPD.
so not looking forward to it...
but, it's my last paper!
must jiayou...
yesterday news reported that 20 singapore polytechnic tourism studies students have been selected by Disney to go Florida's Disneyland for a 5-month attachment.
wadehell?
and the SP lecturer said: "The people from Disneyland said that our students are much more proactive and well-suited to be a part of our happy family than from other schools" (or something along those lines)
i was like:"hmmm... i dont remember them approaching or interviewing students from other schools such as TP's HTM course students. how can she say something like that?"
a comment with no basis.
no, with a basis. but a VERY INACCURATE one.
but then again,
SP has a reputation for thinking that they're very great.
so i wont blame them.
cos now i know that it's the lecturers' examples they learn from.
Mum asked me: dont you think it's very unfair? they get to go and you dont?
hmm... maybe a little.
but, who cares?
i'm still proud of TP's HTM course.
to me, no other place can be better =D
We Rock!
Ok.
I shall stop criticising.
I need to get started with studying!
some one motivate me!
'fallen_angel'
3:15 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
ahhhh!
i can't believe i cried in public.
again.
and this time, it was right in front of Gavin and Shawn.
Guys,
I'm sorry...
i really tried very very hard to control the tears from falling...
but i couldnt...
just couldnt...
my apologies...
i think even Rozy hasn't seen me cry in front of her before.
haha...
you guys should feel 'honoured'!
kidding kidding...
and till now,
i still have those same tears running down my cheeks.
apparently, it didn't end where it seemed to have just now...
sigh
i'm still stuck in the midst of the same stuff...
oh Gav, thanks for paying for my $2 at kbox just now...
i'm sorry that i was broke and still went out with you guys.
i'll pay you back as soon as i can.
i feel so shittified now...
and tmw,
i won't be going to celebrate Bel's birthday with them...
cos for one i'm broke.
for two,
i gotta be a good sister and fetch my little bro from childcare...
so no choice...
the downside of responsibilities.
i'm not really making sense now...
i'll be back when i have a clearer mind.
'fallen_angel'
10:42 PM
The End?
well, silence means agreement.
'fallen_angel'
1:33 AM
i really didn't expect you to take it all out on my tagboard.
now i'm just sorry i cannot control the contents on my tagboard.
sigh
you vented on your own territory - your blog. fine. fair enough.
you vented in your smses to me earlier. fine too. fair enough as well.
but my tagboard?
it's not meant for a purpose like that.
no wonder you don't wanna put tagboard on SA blog.
ok no link. but anyway.
sigh...
i dunno what else to say now.
you want me to admit that everything's my fault?
that i was the one in the wrong?
that you did nothing wrong?
ok fine.
sorry to those who asked me not to take the first step... as you can see, it doesn't work that way for us. i got no choice now. it's this or nothing.
so to my dear boyfriend,
i apologise.
to you.
publicly.
since you brought the quarrel to the public domains of my tagboard,
i shall apologise here too.
i'm sorry.
before you can snap at me and say:"do you even know what you're sorry for? do you even mean it?" like you always do,
let me answer it first.
yes i do know what i'm sorry for.
i'm sorry for getting all riled up and angry when you went to play scrabble, computer games and pool when we were supposed to be studying in the SU lounge.
if i knew earlier, i would have stayed outside the LTs, or left for TM first.
so at least if i didn't know, no harm no foul.
so for all that, i'm really sorry.
guess i shouldnt have got pissed off
guess i should have warned you that you were on the verge of getting me angry BEFORE i actually got angry.
i'm sorry.
and also, the 2nd thing i'm sorry for is not accepting your explanations when i told you i was angry.
but as with everyone in this pathetic little planet called Earth, people are usually deaf to explanations when emotions run high and tensions are walking on tightrope.
guess that's why i'm sorry...
cos i let my emotions take control of me and made my brain ignore all explanations you attempted to voice out.
i'm so very sorry.
3rd thing.
like i mentioned earlier,
i'm sorry i let you walk out that door when you were pissed.
i'm sorry i couldnt put my unhappiness aside and chase after you.
i'm sorry i didn't think of giving in and begged you to stay.
i'm sorry. i shold have known that i had to be the one who went after you and made you stay.
i should have known that letting you leave like that was equivalent to letting a ticking time bomb prowl the streets... and honestly, that's why i expected those contents on my tagboard. that's why i knew to check on my tagboard the moment i got home.
i'm sorry... for not solving the issue right there and then, so that it won't linger around like it did.
i'm sorry by brain is so clogged up with confusion right now that i'm not making much sense.
i'm sorry that i can't find the courage to click on that name of yours on my MSN list to talk to you now.
i'm sorry if you see a million typos here cos my vision is already clouding up... no thanks to the disgustingly overworked tear glands of mine. apparently they are so active that there's no such thing as what people call 'no more tears'
i know what you're gonna say now cos you said it to me 2 nights ago... that no-one made me cry... I MADE MYSELF CRY MOST OF THE TIME.
and you know what?
i guess i actually do agree.
cos it is always my choice whether i wanna cry or not rite?
or maybe sometimes i just think too much and let unnecessary things affect myself.
is that right?
well, maybe. a little. sometimes.
maybe people should also realise that girls will always be girls. sensitive creatures that are easily affected.
sigh.
i'm really rambling.
my head hurts like crazy, as it always does when i cry too hard.
and i should be sleeping.
but i cant stop my mind from thinking, my fingers from typing, my tears from flowing, nor my eyes for not shutting.
i logged on for the initial purpose of blogging about the pretty nice show i watched with my cousin just now...
snakes on a plane.
but now,
totally no mood.
all i can say is that it's a pretty good show.
samuel l. jackson alone is worth the entire price of the movie ticket.
at least to me.
snakes galore.
and i hope i dreams of snakes tonight.
not you.
i love you... like crazy. but you drive me crazy sometimes. maybe what the guys said is true. i chould cut you some slack. ignore some of the things you do that upset me. my life will be simpler, easier and happier. but will you do the same for me? i doubt.
'fallen_angel'
12:41 AM
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
fuck.
whatever just happened was totally uncalled for.
but i still don't think i was at fault in any way.
if i obviously am pissed off,
would it kill you to try and solve things with a softer tone?
a more pleasing tone?
i'm gonna say i'm sorry,
but only for letting you walk away without stopping you.
but not for what i was pissed off at in the first place.
seriously,
if you can tell people to grow up,
why can't you do it yourself?
i may be sounding really unreasonable to you
but i have my reasons for being like that.
i have your interests at heart.
whatever la.
apparently, to you i promised to not be angry at you again but i just broke my promises.
i really can't be bothered now.
my focus is on my exams.
so if you're not ready to accept that,
leave me alone.
not that everything has to be about me like you said just now in front of jodin.
i dont need everything to be my way.
if you want me to accept your explanations,
why can't you accept my reasons for being pissed off?
i shall shut up now.
i rest my case.
bye.
'fallen_angel'
7:11 PM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Here's a big, fat thank you to everyone who offered me their advice based on the dilemma I posted last night.
I really really do appreciate each and every one of your help =)
But, everyone's opinions are really quite conflicting and I realised that ultimately, no matter what everyone else says, I have to decide for myself.
Well, suffice to say that I'm still pretty confused.
But at least I have all the pros and cons of each path mapped out for myself already.
This means that all I'm left with now is which option gives me the pros I want and less cons.
SIGH.
Enough said about that.
If you are woried about my lastest entry from late last night, don't.
It's just one of those common things I do and it's not important.
I'll get over it.
For almost one year, it has been happening but everytime, I get over it.
So I'm not gonna remove it, and neither am I gonna let myself be bothered about it.
As the saying goes: "Live and let live."
For 2 persons in a relationship,
the most crucial skill is that.
How well you can overlook and take in everything that will normally upset you,
will, at the end of the day, determine how well you handle the relationship.
And that, my dears, will determine whether it's happily ever after for you guys.
Or will it be kiss goodbye?
You decide.
Many a time,
you cannnot control what the other party does.
And neither can you chnage it.
You can only control what YOU do, in response to what he/she does.
I know it's getting confusing but I just mean that after what happen last night,
all those tears shed made me realise that if I really do want to make all this work out for the better, i have to start getting a grip on myself.
I need to learn how to give more than I take.
I need to learn how to bear in mind the fact that 'if he doesn't love me the way I want him to, it doesn't mean that he's not loving me with all he's got.'
I need to learn how to give broader benefits of the doubt.
I need to erase doubts from forming in my head.
I need to trust with all my heart.
Can I do that?
I hope I can... it'll be difficult cos trusting is not easy for me.
And because I love you, I'll try my very best.
But if trying is not good enough for you, I dunno what else to do.
Just remember that trying can result in success or failure.
Don't say I didn't try just because I failed.
I always thought I have given in my all over the past year...
But perhaps, it's just not enough... just not good enough...
I'll work harder...
For now,
I've got 2 exam papers to study for.
OB on Friday, and DPD next Wednesday.
I really have to work harder...
Here's my coursework grades so far:
DPD - B+
OB - B+
BusEnt - B+
now,
I'm left with Ticketing to ponder over.
Oh and French as well.
For French I'm not so worried...
Even if I don't get my distinction or A, I should be able to get a B+. but most likely to be an A. That's if Professeur J doesn't penalise my whole class for the culture quiz. And if Professeur A is fair about the Oral test. Sigh. Oh did I mention that Prof. J called me this afternoon? Got a shock of my life cos he doesn't even teach me and I barely know him. Does he know I have a crush on him? hmmmmmmmmmmmm..... hahaha... I hope not. Cos I DON'T. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about why he called... ask me in private if you wanna know. ;)
So yeah.
There you go.
I'm pretty happy with my course work grades this semester.
And that's why I need to work really really hard to try to achieve my As again.
I wanna pull up my GPA!
If I get all B+s this semester, this sem's GPA will be a 3.5.
Which means I have hope of pulling my present GPA of 3.2 closer to the NTU requirements...
hehe...
I want my As!!!
god bless me...
I've screwed up enough the past 2 semesters.
I wanna get back into the DHLs...
I wanna make my mum proud again.
I don't wanna live in the shadows of my brilliantly clever sister who will definitely be a top DHL student.
I am as good.
I will succeed!
argh.
(major self-consolation)
sigh.
gonna go to bed so I can put all my energy into studying tmw...
at TP.
I'm skipping my checkup for studying.
It better be worth it.
Ciao Ciao...
'fallen_angel'
11:45 PM
Monday, August 21, 2006
ok. whatever i said in the last post about the person closest to me not wanting to listen to my troubles, was me being a bitch. apparently, i didnt realise that he was just scared of making comments and giving his comments and opinions. i'm sorry. it's my fault that i'm always moody. it's my fault that i snap at you whenever you try. i'm really sorry. i know you are saying right now that i'm not being sincere and i'm making things difficult. it's stupid and extreme actions i know. but it's something i wanna do. so i have a problem. so? accept it. or let it go. i truly am sorry.
'fallen_angel'
11:25 PM
I haven't been so troubled for a long long time.
And it's about something I thought I was sure about since a long time ago.
My future after Poly.
Sigh.
I always thought that I'll definitely try joining SIA as a flight stewardess after I graduate,
earn enough and then see myself through my university education.
But now, as I grow older,
I'm beginning to doubt my abilities to settle down into piles of books after having enjoyed the high life of flying all over the world for the past 3-5 years.
I mean, like I mentioned in my previous entry, I know myself to not be the kind that can keep studying while working or after working, for that matter.
Ok, for those who are lost in my words of confusion, here's the lowdown on the whole situation i'm facing -
Firstly, from a personal standpoint.
I have had the dream of flying as an air stewardess since I was a little girl. It can be with any reputable airline, but the dreams grew with images of myself in a kebaya.
As I grew older through my teenage years, I became sure of the fact that I wanted a career where I can interact with people and not be cooped up in an office for the rest of my working life. Hence, I chose Hospitality and Tourism Management.
As I near graduation from my diploma course, I'm now once again at the crossroads.
Here's why: I have discovered that I want to pursue a career in Communications and to be able to succeed in that, I will need a degree at the very least.
I have a passion for languages and writing since young. So from there, journalism and publishing is a logical choice.
Also, I have a love for meeting people and being involved in events and working hands-on. So PR, marketing, events management would be a great option too.
And for all of the above, I have a single choice in Communications Studies at NTU.
Like I said yesterday, NTU is the only financially feasible option and a good one too...
But here's the headache:
I'm 19 this year.
I'll be 20 next year when I graduate, and that will also be my age when I start my degree studies (IF I can get into the course, given the strong competition, the chances are pretty slim).
As it is a direct honours degree course, it'll take me 4 years to complete the course. And because my modules from HTM are not directly related to communication studies, there are only a few subjects that I can transfer credits to. And that would mean even if I want to accelerate my studies, it's only one semester faster at most. Do I want that? I don't know yet.
So let's say I don't accelerate, I'll graduate when I'm about 24 years old.
If I still want to fulfil my childhood dream of flying, I'll be pretty old. 25? As Tian said, how am I going to be able to compete for a place with the pretty young things? Those who are 18? 19? 21?
Yes, it's true that with a degree in communications I can actually have a slight advantage and I can command a higher pay too. But that job is after all very much based on youth, vitality and beauty. Unless someone can tell me that a 25-year-old has an equal opportunity of getting the coveted job as a flight stewardess.
Sigh.
Suddenly I feel very old... and as if there's not enough time for me to do what I wanna do.
My second option is to go fly with SIA first, complete the bond (3 or 5 years maybe), then come back to do my degree.
Is it feasible?
I really don't know.
Do I really wanna go back to studying full-time at the age of what, 25?
Then how about if I really fulfill my wishes of getting married by 25 years old? Study full-time still? Not really possible.
And I'm not even thinking of a part-time degree because mostly are not recognised, and I won't be able to concentrate. Yes. I know myself too well.
Sigh
Everytime I ask Mummy about this, she uses herself as an example and says that if she can get her Bachelor's degree at the age of 40, why can't I?
Why should I waste my opportunity to fulfill my dream while I'm young and able?
But somehow, I feel that though it's true that there's no such thing as being too old to study, can I?
I mean, it will be difficult to study and work, and take care of a family at the same time.
If I can avoid the tough life for myself, why not?
Mummy had a very very tough time trying to finish her studies and I ask myself, do I wanna go through all that too?
This is one topic that I cannot seem to discuss with her...
She's discouraging me from studying cos she says that by the time I graduate from NTU, she would be very old(which is only 45 years old by the way) and the other reason is that she has always wanted me to be an air stewardess. Mainly because it's a dream that she gave up because of me when she was young. And among her 3 daughters, I'm the only one in whom she sees the possibility of her dreams being fulfilled.
Sigh.
I really do want to study.
I really do want to get my degree.
I know that whether it's sooner or later, I will.
It's a matter of whether it's sooner or later.
So so troubled.
And there's no one I can truly talk to about it.
No one to give me the advice I need.
The person I'm closest to, well, suffice to say he doesn't really seem interested in the problem. Or rather, he doesn't see why I'm troubled over it.
Sigh.
I've got responsibilities to my family...
I'm not the only reason for my existence.
If I am, I'd no longer be here.
Sigh.
I'll be back lar.
'fallen_angel'
7:33 PM
Sunday, August 20, 2006
ok.
now i'm pissed
i typed a really super duper long entry
but my comp hanged on me.
and the entry got lost before i could published it.
fuck it. (pardon my french)
shittified.
now i'm so not in the mood to re-type everything again.
here's a super short sumary.
friday -
KTV with shawn, gavin and joce...
according to shawn, it's the FIRE in action =)
haha...
we gotta do this again before SIP starts k?
i'll miss you guys...
then went to Tian's place for a double date session.
he bought me a sunflower... so sweet.
at least he remembered that i like sunflowers =)
thanks darling...
and the 2 guys cooked dinner for me and her while we watched Bring it on again...
spaghetti was good...
the muscato was nice...
and the atmosphere was sweet...
thanks dear...
i enjoyed myself...
and dude, i know you dont read this... but jia you!
haha...
really happy for you...
she's a very nice girl... treat her well yeah?
and hmmmm... as for the girl, i think you do read my blog once in awhile so i won't say anything to embarrass you =)
but he's a nice guy and i think you both look really sweet together... jiayou!
yesterday had SA meeting...
wont say much about it...
except that it's so stressful trying to keep it afloat...
i need support!
sigh.
today,
well
i slept till dinner time
so nothing to say about it...
i was actually surfing the internet for university education...
i've been thinking about it for awhile already...
and recently,
this is what's been stuck in my head -
since my results can put me in a local university, why should i turn away from it?
plus, with a degree, i can actually command a higher pay at SIA.
i even will have a higher chance of being accepted.
especially since what i'm really really interested in now is Communications Studies at NTU.
literature... well... my mum disapproves of it... and social sciences as well.
so the next best option is my interest in communications.
i believe i will be able to do well in that field...
journalism&publishing, or PR&marketing.
either one...
anyway, why a local university?
cos it's more affordable.
with NTU, i can get tuition grant from MOE.
and that will mean only about $6K per year... full amount is about 20K
that amount can also be covered with my Mum's CPF adequately...
so it'll be just like what i've been doing at TP...
using mum's CPF for my tuition fees,
and paying her back after graduation.
though i say wanna work first...
but i'm also aware of myself... that i tend to lose motivation to study after i start working.
especially if i start with being an air-stewardess.
i most probably will not go back to studying after that.
having said that,
i'm after all only a Poly grad.
so i'll apply for both NTU and SIA after graduation.
just in case NTU doesnt accept me.
seeing that i have strong competition from SP and NP's media and comms courses.
not to mention TP's CMM and JC grads
sigh.
we'll see how it goes...
before that however,
i've got 2 final exam papers to study for
and i need to really buck up.
i need to improve on my GPA!
sayang sayang... gimme motivation!
tmw... most probably studying at TP with Rozy, Cal and Tian.
hopefully we get things done...
lastly,
dear... i miss you...
once again, thank you for last friday...
i had a greeat time...
we should do it again k?
hope to see you tmw...
love ya...
'fallen_angel'
9:13 PM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
so high!
went to watch li sheng jie's (sam lee) campus concert with shawn this evening
was having 2 hearts about whether i wanted to go,
but i so dont regret my choice of going in the end
his voice is very good...
friendly, approachable, and no airs at all!
his songs happen to include some of my favorites
the peeps who go ktv with me often enough will probably know
chi xin jue dui
shou fang kai
and now, after tonight, there'll be at least 2 or 3 more i will wanna sing at ktv sessions!
woo-hoo~!
haha
and he shook my hand, smiled at me and he maintained the handshake for like 10 seconds!
hahahaha....
his not fantastic looking... but definitely better than in photos.
and he's a qualified swimming and tennis instructor...
very nice build
oh well
haha...
really really enjoyed myself
i like him now...
and oh did i mention he gave me his signature!
haha...
now now people,
dont be jealous.
actually, i think some of you might think i'm bonkers and that there's nothing fantastic about him.
but it's difficult to explain la...
if you were there tonight,
i bet you will be taken over by his passion, friendliness and singing skills.
he's more like.. macho but friendly at the same time.
so yeah...
haha
okok... shall stop gushing
hmm... ktv tmw
gavin, be prepared to listen to alot of his songs!
i'm super motivated to sing his songs now...
haha...
night time going on a double-date.
hopefully everything goes smoothly =)
ok.
gotta go...
nitez all!
'fallen_angel'
11:24 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
had a argument/debate this morning with mum
she asked me what i'd pursue if i had a chance to go university
and i told her definitely not hospi or tourism.
then she started her lecture on why i want to pursue unrealistic stuff like mass comm, social sciences or literature.
"u cant survive and feed yourself with interests." she said.
grrr
couldnt get it into her that i dont wanna spend my whole life working and working for something i'm not happy with, trying to make ends meet and living my whole life in misery.
sigh
i dunno what to say now.
it's an argument that will go on for a long long time to come.
luckily i already know what i'll do after my graduation next year,
if not i'll be in for more nagging.
haha...
unhappy day.
nothing went well
tired
not feeling very well
sigh
but still, happy 11th month dear.
that's from the first time we got together last year.
sigh
time flies.
i'm so tired.
gotta go...
bye all...
'fallen_angel'
7:16 PM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
the person i said yes to is tian.
yes, this is so that people got no more questions marks in their mind about it.
haha
caiyun and bel bel, this is for you =)
kidding kidding...
yes, i'm back with him.
why?
cos i believe that everyone deserves a 2nd chance.
just like mummy gave daddy so many second chances,
i felt that he deserved a chance to prove himself at the very least
at least i'd know that i've tried my best...
dear,
you know i've always loved you
and i still do.
the whole world might not agree to it, but heck, it's my love life.
just dont prove me wrong alright?
i've told you before that i've never believed in break-patch relationships
this is the 2nd time we are patching back after a break-up.
i hope it'll be the last.
i hope james is wrong this time... that i'm not stupid to try again, to believe again.
please dont let me down again...
i love you.
to you,
i can sense your disappointments.
i can only say i'm sorry...
your place in my heart and my life is irreplaceable no matter what...
please believe that...
and i hope you really know the reason why i made the choice that i made.
please take good care of yourself...
and believe in yourself.
'fallen_angel'
3:38 PM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
i hate public buses.
period
argh
this was what happened -
i wanted to relax on my way home after a day out with tian
so i decided to take the express 518 bus back from orchard.
didnt wanna waste money on taxi.
i boarded the bus at Plaza Sinagpura at about 9.45 pm
and i reached home at 11.43 pm
do your freaking math.
it was fucking 2 hours on that bus!
the usual time it takes on the same journey is 1 hour.
fuck
if there were seats, and there were less people,
i dont care
i'd just sleep
but it was jam-packed like a sardine can
and i didnt have a seat
for 2 whole fucking hours
i was in heels, mini skirt, and had to balance on the bus
fuck
i felt like i was about to freaking suffocate cos of the lack of oxygen
too many people in that little confined space fighting for such a limited supply of O2
argh
and the inconsiderate creatures of singapore just got on my nerves all the more
this fat auntie and middle aged uncle
squeezed up the bus from the exit.
like WTF?!?!?!
already no space and u still squeeze like that?
and the exit side cannot tap ez-link card for entry.
means they fucking hell took a free ride!
freak shit.
argh
what's wrong with these people?!?!
so,
being the bitch that i am,
i bitched on the phone to tian when he called.
like "fucking hell, i hate inconsiderate people. like the auntie standing behind me? she squeezed her big fat ass on the bus from the exit door. like wadehell lar! she's taking a free ride lor. fuck her lar"
i'm feeling bitchy
majorly bitchy
fuck
and the reason for all this?
FIREWORKS at Marina Bay.
display by new caledonia
fuck
s'poreans are like super deprived.
like never see fireworks before lar
make me lose 1 hour of precious time in that damned traffic jam on the ECP.
WARNING:
do not go near the roads leading to and from the Marina Bay area tomorrow. because there will be a display by France.
last one.
and its a saturday.
so expect a worse jam.
i'll be a good girl and stay home.
shittified.
okok
i've bitched enough...
sigh
i'm so damn tired
and tmw 10am got SIP launch in school
have i told you that my LO is Z**** W**?
yeah i have.
FUCK.
ok
i've bitched enough
time to go to lalaland and hope a kindhearted angel can take away my bitchiness
sorry for polluting your eyesight dear friends
i'm going now...
oh and btw,
missed ktv today cos shawn couldnt make it
it's ok
but better have a make-up session soon...
i'm craving singing massively...
=D
cya tmw in school!
nitey all...
buonaserra
bonne nuit
oyasumi
'fallen_angel'
12:29 AM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
well,
i said yes.
and so, that means i've taken another jump into that abyss again.
i know many people dont think its a wise choice
but i've got to do it for myself
friends out there,
please wish me happiness
i need all the support i can get
and to the ones who gave me support the past few weeks and months:
rozy, i love you.
i know you'll be supporting me no matter what choice i make
and that you'll always be there
thank you so much...
so many things have happened and i wont know what i could have done without you around.
gavin, shawn and gang,
thank you for listening to all my troubles every week (for shawn, almost everyday)
haha
and rest assured that i will not sacrifice you guys for him
we'll still have weekly kopitiam sessions ok?
i aim to achieve a balance between friends and him...
haha...
thanks alot again...
to everyone else that i dont have time to mention,
thank you nonetheless...
national day today
and it gave me excuse to sleep till 4pm in the afternoon
but more likely to be because i'm sick
yeah i am...
my throat feels weird
i'm beginning to burn up
i'm all giddy
and i ache all over...
sigh
hope i recover in time for bowling and ktv
and hope it doesnt make a turn for the worse cos i've got french speaking test tmw...
i dont wanna lose my voice!
sigh...
pray for me that i get well soon...
gotta go... catch up soon!
'fallen_angel'
4:05 PM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
in school now
just finished ticketing test awhile ago
and i'm so so screwed
this time, i studied
i went for classes
but
sucks big time
spent too much time on the easier questions
and sacrificed the 20mark question at the back
shit
i'm so screwed lar
sigh
i hope i can at least get a C grade
next test, i'll make sure i study really really hard for it
bless me
now,
still in school's comp lab
waiting for tian to finish practising his amadeus
then we'll go for dinner
hungry hungry...
hurry up!
i'm still aching all over from yesterday
and tmw is national day!
dunno what to do...
probably spend the day studying for French test
thursday - bowling in the afternoon followed by french test in school
friday - no school, kbox! clementi again ^_^
so excited!
and i desprerately need to go shopping...
but, i'll need a kind sponsor.
any kind souls out there wanna sponsor my shopping spree?
minimum amount......... $1000
muahahaha
ok.
as u can all see
i'm bored
i'm tired
and i'm sick and tired of amadeus
and my liaison officer for SIP is......
MS ***** ***.
like...erm....ok.
rozy! haha... i can imagine u cursing and swearing
haha
and we both are the only ones at Treetops!
it's a world to ourselves...
muahaha...
i have you all to myself...
aren't you happy?
=p
muahahaha
ok...
i'll continue tonight...
ciao ciao!
'fallen_angel'
6:42 PM
Monday, August 07, 2006
this morning,
managed to complete my BE reflections only at 4.30am
and because of early 9am lecture,
i survived on 2 hours of sleep the whole day
the amazing thing is that i went to play about 2 plus hours of squash and badminto with gavin, shawn, cal and siok after school
haha
and i worked up a stunning amount of sweat
the last time i worked out so hard was a long long time ago
missed the feeling alot
guys, we should do this again really really soon ok?
then headed home to pick drago up from school...
so so tired
tmw,
got ticketing&reservations test at 3pm
but i have to be in school early in the morning to print out the remaining bits of my BE reflections, file and submit them
so yeah... can't sleep in still
can use the in between time to study too i guess...
havent studied yet
i know i promised to study hard and work really really hard for this test
but i've really been so so busy...
i hope i wont get punished for that...
hmmm
sigh.
you said you are readybut just the day before you said you were not...i'm happy... over the moon... to know that you're ready to accept me again toobut...there's that nagging doubt that i wanna erase but can't seem toi want to trust you...but with the things that happened over the past few days,i dunno what to domaybe i'm just reading too much into the smallest thingsbut that's just who i am.i'll be waiting for the time to truly come...i want to give our love another chance...it's the least it deserves
'fallen_angel'
11:15 PM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
had a long, lazy and tiring day yesterday
morning,
had to report to RITS to help SJCC with restaurant service
it was the annual Tabasco HotChef Challenge competition
supposed to reach at 10am
but was about 5mins late
cos there was some event going on in sentosa
took me a whole hour to get to TAS from harbourfront
ended up walking to TAS from the VAC
grrr
i hate slopes!
anyway,
team from Marina Mandarin won the 1st prize
team Les Saints, consisting of Alexander Barry Boey (hah!), Trevor & Nickson came in second
and i cant remember who got 3rd
anyway CONGRATS to ALEX!!!!
i know how badly he wanted to win this
and how happy he is right now...
and to Team October,
you guys did well enough... impressed me at least =)
tian,
i'm proud of you...
at least you tried your best and worked hard for it...
you'll get what you deserve one day...
dont be silly to give up on your culinary dreams...
went to Gavin's house after the event ended.
tian's mum sent me to buona vista mrt
and Gavin picked me up from Boon Lay mrt
haha
i think i'm getting quite spoiled
getting chauffeured around
i cant imagine a world without cars now...
haha
at Gav's place, we chilled out...
like really slack and laze around
then Shawn and Gav got hooked onto recording their own singing on his comp
and replaying them
haha
so amusing
and i think they make real good lullabye singers
cos me and Shi Hui fell fast asleep on Gav's bed
till the sun went down at 7pm
then we woke up
and decided to leave so that the lovebirds can enjoy some privacy
took a cab down to his place,
and shawn took a bus back from there...
walked to jelita to eat dinner...
had sandwiches at o'briens...
quite nice...
but prices quite steep
then went video ezy to rent dvds to watch at home
i wanted light-hearted stuff so rented monster-in-law and rumor has it
without realising that we've already watched rumor has it before
grrr
so ended up watching on monster-in-law only...
but enjoyed myself all the same...
i like lazing around, watching tv and just chilling out...
then took a cab home just around before midnight...
well,i really enjoyed myself with you...and honestly to say,i missed the times we shared in the pastlike when we shared modesto's at home while watching love actually on HBO...the feeling is still there...but last night,i felt something else... anticipationthe only reason i was there,was to make clear to you that i'm ready to take that plunge...but now,seems like we still have to wait...if time's what you need,i'll let you have itthis time, the ball's in your court.it was in mine till last night when i returned it to your side...all i can say now - yes the disappointment is there.but if it's for the best, then ok... i accept it.but dont wait too long... cos like you keep telling me,when the chance is gone,it's gone forever...and may never come back...
'fallen_angel'
3:36 PM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
i'm finally home
after a long long day
finished all projects finally...
DPD presentation this morning at 9am
then waited for gavin in school with cal,
after which gavin drove me home to change out of my formal clothes.
then went back to school to pick tat ming, followed by alvin at tampines central
drove all the way to jurong east for lunch, during which our dear uncle alvin went to see a doctor and got diagnosed with food poisoning
so poor thing
tsk tsk
haha
so after lunch, we went to Chevrons to bowl
played the worst games of my life
so not used to the ball,
and the lanes were too slippery
me and gavin were cursing and swearing
haha
6plus, we headed to jurong point
for what?
maximum tune again
haha
car racing...
i know
i know
so not me...
but i have to admit that it is kinda fun
and being out with the whole group of them was satisfying...
just what i needed
but there were a tad too many people around so couldnt really say much also
plus gavin met up with his girl
so didnt wanna be too bright a lightbulb ah...
haha
i really enjoyed myself the whole day...
so thanks guys...
let's do this more often...
i think gavin also felt that today's session wasnt very fulfilling too
so,
we're gonna have another 'kopitiam' session tmw!
yay!
anyway,
tmw morning have to go TAS to do service for the Hot Chef challenge
reporting there by 10am
grrr
so tired...
probably will meet gavin and shawn in the afternoon after my event
they gonna go play basketball before that
i also wanna play!!!
haha
oh well
and before i forget,
here's a special thanks to alvin.
he sent me all the way home in the cab...
though he was supposed to alight before me...
so gentlemanly
hahahaha
or in his words, 'uncle'.
muahaha
so ex lar the cab fare...
so thanks alvin!
i owe you one
=)
ok i'm going to bed... updates tmw!
sweet dreams to the world...
'fallen_angel'
12:54 AM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
tired.
sigh
what to say?
had a really long and meaningful talk with shawn and joce
and all i can say is:
xiao mei... jia you wor!
i know how you must be feeling now
and all i can say is you will find your true happiness some day
we all will =)
after she left for class,
we continued our conversation
and the same frustrating thoughts keep circling in my mind
i dunno if i should really take that plunge
sigh
it's gonna make me drown myself in sorrows again
i need enlightenment
i want to be able to be happy
i want to be loved
but then again... i AM loved.
so what am i turning away from?
sigh
i want to love you with all my heart...
are you the 'you' i can love happily and without regrets?
tell me...
so that i can know what to do...
here's some details about UNLV in S'pore
if you dont already know,
i was involved in the UNLV grand opening ceremony yesterday
at NLB 10th & 11th flr
they are offering certificate courses,
bachelor's undergrad degrees,
and master's degrees.
all in hotel management, specialising in hospitality management.
most important for most of us,
it's the bachelor's degree.
3 year course
total of $69,450 for 3 years
and yes,
credit transfer is possible.
but dont think that with credit transfer,
you can finish your course faster and hence save some of the school fees.
cos for UNLV S'p,
it just means you can take lesser subjects each semester.
but you STILL HAVE TO do it over 3 years.
am i making sense?
so yeah.
that's the diff between UNLV and most other universities
and also,
first intake = 20 students.
subsequent intakes, not more than 50.
fantastic?
think again.
with the same amount, you can take 2 separate degree courses in local unis like NUS, NTU and SMU.
think twice and do your thorough research before deciding k people?
not me.
for sure.
i'm done with studying about H&T.
gimme something like social sciences or literature
haha
really
seriously.
i'm tired...
i need to sleep...
'fallen_angel'
8:17 PM
it's 9.47 am
so early!
grrr
i think it's one of the first time i'm blogging so early
i'm trying desperately to stay awake
hangover
was at devil's bar last night cos my da-ge(cousin) dragged me
sigh
and i was made to drink by his friends, who are also friends of my dad
they all know each other la
but thank goodness dad wasnt there
haha
reached home at about 2.30am
all red from drinking and dad wasnt home yet
phew~!
showered and plonked right into bed and fell fast asleep
was about 3am then
and i woke up at 6.30
cos my alarm rang
no choice
and the stupidest thing?
my class is only at 4pm
and i'm in school so early for stupid group meeting
i wanna sleep!!!
and my hangover is killing me.
this sucks.
they better get things done and use up all my time properly
or not i'll just faint and die here
and cos of my stupid hangover, i'm in shorts and polo-tee in school
amazing rite?!
the usually dressy me, now so slack
tomorrow's DPD presentation
then it's all over!
left with my reflections portfolio to rush out over the weekend,
french speaking test,
ticketing test,
then blah blah blah - exams!
!#$%$$#%#&#$
grrrr
sorry
i'm killing all my readers with my crap
but i'm desperately trying to stay awake.
save me!!!!
'fallen_angel'
9:32 AM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
stay happy?
well in order for me to stay happy, i have to first be happy
how else can i stay happy right?
and well, it's true that i do have people around for me
but everyone still needs that special someone
dont you?
if not, you also have alot of friends around you who'll be there for you right?
and rest assured that you'll never be un-needed
sigh
though you say that everyone likes me there,
but i really dont know
sigh
nevertheless,
every moment we shared will be cherished and you'll always be on my mind
the downs... i'll learn for sure...
but my next love?
i doubt...
i dont know when a next love can come around for me
i miss you lots too
i'm sorry i had to make the choice i made
and i also thank you for respecting my choice
only time can tell...
during the past few months of singlehood
i've renewed and redeveloped some friendships that i know i'll treasure so much
people like shawn and gavin, among others of course... you know who you are =)
that's the only good thing about my new status i guess
i initially thought that with no relationship to distract me and take up my time,
i'll be able to spend more time on my studies and at least try to raise my GPA from last semester's dismal results.
but alas,
all i've succeeded in doing is further distract myself,
from all my crazy and confusing thoughts.
till now,
i cant say my results are improving much
i cant say i'm putting more efforts into my studies
for example,
my business enterprise reflections are due on monday
and i havent even started
pro right?
grr
sigh
someone give me motivation to work hard
please
i need someone to motivate me
gimme a purpose in life.
sigh
the only thing driving me now is the fact that school's coming to an end
and i so wanna get outta TP
oh well
last lap
jia you!
and to all my fellow HTM-ers, jia you too!
we'll all make it together...
this morning
i woke up pretty early
considering that i only have to be in school at 2pm for a project meeting
i woke up at 8 plus am
that's despite falling asleep only at 3 or 4am in the morning
and i lay in bed,
thinking of alot of stuff
some people
and other kinda stuff
hmm...
sigh
so tired now
but still want to watch CSI later
well
everything at home seems fine
except that i can sense the first fallout between chloe and parents
all because she's in love with rockclimbing
and she's extremely talented at it too!
her seniors say she's the strongest freshie of all
plus her first competition she got 10th place
fantastic achievement if you ask me
she's barely been training for 2 months or so
but mum and dad, as always,
forbids that
mum says "i dont like her to do rockclimbing" period.
so cruel
and that's just cos she's not as ladylike as you'd like your daughter to be
well at least find consolation in the fact that she still wear skirts and boys still go after her
her life is not yours
it's hers
its what she's happiest doing
so why deprive her?
by forcing her to quit, by discouraging her, by scolding her,
you're only gonna mke her run away
sooner or later, she'll hate coming home
it happened with me before
why cant you learn your lessons?
if she's neglecting her studies then fine
but she's not!
in fact she's doing so super well!
she topped her class in 4 subjects out of 5 this past mid semester tests
not enough?
she got full marks for her maths paper too
still not enough?
i really dunno what you expect of us...
give the girl a break
she loves what she's doing, let her do it.
seriously.
sigh
i rest my case for now
dont push your luck.
period.
sigh
CSI starting...
i should get going
been stuck on this page all evening...
bye guys... be back tmw
'fallen_angel'
8:35 PM
