Monday, July 31, 2006
feels so good to be back to blogging
but sadly, i'm in school and not comfy in my bed
here's why
my internet subscription at home got terminated over the weekend
cos never pay bill lar
so i'm like so empty
cant blog
cant check email
cant send email
cant check for announcements
cant chat with friends
cant read blogs
cant do research for my reflections
cant even download the format for my reflection paper from OLE-BB
grrrr
the inconveniences of technology
anyway,
last night i felt the strong need to blog
but cos got no internet,
i had to settle for my dear diary
meaning, the old-fashioned way of writing
like i used to do
ha-ha
and guess what?
i wrote 10 whole pages
muahaha
guess this is what i mean by a diary is so much more private
can reveal more stuff
but only for myself
maybe i might consider posting bits of it
but see how lar
lazy to type all out
anyway,
i'm gonna find time to print out my 162 posts on blogger
so that i can have a safe hard copy to keep by my side
who knows when the world wide web will one day decide to shut itself down?
then there goes my memories
cannot!
i treasure all my entries.
haha
lame i know.
oh well
and plus my other blog that has erm i think 2 entries?
so that'll be a total of 164 entries
amazing huh?
haha
hmm
oh and
happy birthday to YK!your birthday's on 1 august
which is tmw
but i scared tmw dont get to blog
so yeah
but anyway i know you're in camp now
training to be a police
haha
tsk tsk tsk
what a threat to the society
anyway, hope you'll read this during the weekend you're home
and stop saying i forgotten about you
=p
anyway, happy to hear that you are back with her
you have my blessings
*hugs*
what now?
i hate blogging in school
no mood
grrr
oh
hope presentation went well for you today
saw you this morning but didnt wanna disturb you and your group's meeting
take care
hmm
and to you 'down under'!haha
stop saying i dont mention you on my blog
you know very well i do
i just dont do it blatantly
you should be able to read in between my lines by now rite?
anyway
take good care of yourself
miss you loads!
rozy sayang...projects are almost over
hang in there!
and please find some time for me?
i miss you like crazy
and there's so much to catch up between us...
edna!glad you msged me today
hope to meet up with ya soon!
oh and kelvin (our 'brother') called me
haha
random, i know
:P
i miss working in long bar...
sigh
school is getting uber boring
i'm so sian of school
i wanna get out of this stifling cage!
and i miss you...
(if you think it's you, then it's you. dont think so much)
'fallen_angel'
2:19 PM
Saturday, July 29, 2006
i just realised that i've been slacking my weekends away
sigh
went for facial this morning cos my forehead was filled with pimples
couldnt stand it any longer
after i got home,
came online for awhile
then fell asleep on my bed
all i can blame is myself cos i put my laptop on my bedside
so whenever i use it, i'm basically just sitting on my bed
so yeah
maybe that's why i cant seem to get much work done like that
oh well
on thursday,
bobby, my headwaiter from long bar called
it was 4 plus in the afternoon
and he asked me if i could go to work
at about 6pm
ha-ha
what a joke
are they really so desperate?
so much so that they have to call me even though i've already resigned?
then i heard that they are running really low on manpower
in the past when i was there,
each night had at least 8 service staff or more
now,
at most 5 or 6
so pathetic
but i turned him down
for a couple of reasons
one, i had a movie date already
two, i'm not one who'd make u-turns and go back to places i've already quit unless i really want to (if i'm a u-turn person, i'd be back at pan pacific by now. they've called me countless times.)
three, there are people i dont wanna have to face there
four, i dont wanna go throught the hassle of applying for the retarded casual labour pass that is so troublesome and annoyin'
lastly,
going back there will bring back memories i no longer wanna be reminded of
so yeah
there you go.
sighit's still the 29thand i cant overcome my own personal barrieri think there's only one or maybe two persons who really know what i mean by my personal barrierafter so long,i cannot even bring myself to think about iti triedi really tried very hardbut i just cantthe guilt is so greatthe fear is so reali dunno what to do about it except hope that time can ease the pain and lessen the traumacome back to me someday baby...i'm waiting...and i dont wanna wait too long.
'fallen_angel'
10:51 PM
wee~!
just came home from a whole day of fun and enjoyment
first and foremost,
The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift is amazing!
exhilarating
exciting
adrenaline pumping
touching
sexy
and i cannot think of any more words to describe my experience in the cinema
the cinematography was fantastic to say the least
and dont even dream of comparing the drifting scenes to Initial D.
no fight at all.
TFTF wins. hands down.
drifting is super cool
oh so uber cool
haha
i'm drooling
not the cos of the guys.
but cos of the girls. and the boy-toys (cars i mean)
hah.
anyway
i intend to watch again
any takers?
i really do wanna watch it again
hmmm... we'll see.
was late in meeting my cousins and sisters cos the freaking train ride from boon lay to tampines took a whole hour
reached only at about 12mn
when the movie was slated to start at 1150pm
lucky for the ever-famous GV commercials
made it juuuuuust in time
didnt miss a single minute, didnt have to watch a single minute of commercial either
power~
haha
oh ask me what i was doing in boon lay?
i was at the jurong point arcade with gavin and shawn
doing what?
let's just say maximum tune
haha
if you dont already know, it's a car racing sorta game
i wont go into details about my sense of satisfaction
cos shawn will kill me
*winkz*
hahahaha
but it was fun.... at least i didnt feel bored at all
maybe you guys are right...
i have the talent
hahahaha
but i still think i was very very lucky
you guys still rock =)
met gavin and shawn at clementi in the afternoon to go to kbox
as usual,
it was fun fun fun
the 3 of us were like uber high
haha
like our own mini concert sia
standing on the sofa,
singing and jumping around
an amazingly effective stress reliever
went to jurong west to eat sambal stingray after ktv
it was nice...
3 of us ate 2 servings of sambal stingray with rice
quite satisfying actually
haha
thanks to gavin
what happened after dinner, as they say, is history
hahahaha
what sia.
so, what's next on our itinerary?
bowling?
more ktv?
badminton?
and i still looking for tennis kaki
wait wait...
bowling priority place k?
i crave bowling...
i'm sleepy
and i'm still riding on a high
or am i just trying to avoid the short sharp stabs of pain that today's date gives me?the same day 2 months ago29th may.a day i'll always remembera day i never will allow myself to forget.no-one knows it but me.baby, i miss youso muchi pray for youto be happy wherever you may bei dream of the day i can make it all up to youmake up for the foolish mistake that cost me and you so much
'fallen_angel'
2:50 AM
Thursday, July 27, 2006
sigh
should i say i'm sorry for what happened just now?
went to watch The Lakehouse
the show was fantastic
as is any show with either Sandra Bullock or Keanu Reeves
the storyline was indeed very heart-warming
and i'm glad there was a happy ending
the love between Alex and Kate could wait...
and it could endure all the tests thrown their way
why?
only because they had a love so true and so pure...
just like the verse from Jane Austen's Persuasion that was read out,
they shared the same tastes, the same love, the same beliefs.
something along those lines at least.
can that possibly be the case in real life?
can there be love so patient and undying?can there be love so devotedly constant?the company was sort of right
but the feeling wasnt
i wanted it to be
but why is it not?
i could tell you were maybe disappointed
or something like that
but i can only say i'm sorry
as for what happened towards the end of the movie,
i also sincerely apologise
i just got really frustrated at the whole situation with massive event next week
and there i was seeking your help,
you couldnt make up your mind.
yes is yes, no is no
why make my life miserable?
as it is, i'm already having a big fat headache about it
and i promised Iggy to give him the confirmed names by tmw
and i was actually hoping you could gimme an answer quick so that i can get started on my task of searching for manpower
i apologise for not being able to keep my emotions in checksigh
sometimes i dunno why i try so hard
when no matter how hard i try
it doesnt seem to yield any results
ok, maybe to you, i dont seem to be putting any efforts at all
but to others who know about the internal emotional war that i'm fighting with myself now,
it's clear
sigh
why do i even bother?yes
i enjoyed myself out with ya just now
most of the time at least
but can i say i'm truly happy?i dunno
i honestly dunno
maybe it's the fault of circumstances
but i dunno what to do about it
i wanna find my true love toothe one that belongs only to methe true love that can weather through all storms with mebut...as the days pass,i'm losing hopeas my email address says: fallen angel, disillusioned soul.if you dont already know, that's me.on a brighter noteDPD project has been submitted!phew... huge sigh of relief thereand ktv tmw... plus movie with cousinsok i know i've mentioned it all alreadybut i'm still excited!*giggles and grins*i'm tiredso very very tiredi need to get some sleepbut would it just be like other recent nights?tossing and turning for hours on endtill the dawn threatens to break...only then can i fall fitfully into interrupted slumberi really need to restcan you tell?
'fallen_angel'
11:28 PM
yay!
da-ge asked me out!
haha
to watch The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
muahaha
but it's not gonna be a private 'date'
er-ge, chloe and chantal will be coming too
tsk tsk tsk
lightbulbs
bleah
*knocks myself on my head*
wadehell am i talking about? incest ah. grrr. we got same surname lor.
bleah
but he's such a great brother
so sweet
midnight show... so i guess still can go chill with shawn and gavin
after ktv i mean
like the last time!
i'm so looking forward to friday now.
1, KTV!!!
2, movie date with my beloved cousins and sisters!!!
3, DPD submission!!!
woo-hoo!
supposed to worry about other stuff
but i think i'll make myself dropped all other stressful thought just for that one day
it's gonna be fantabulous!
weee~!!!
gtg sleep...
buona notte!
oh and good luck Shawn!!! for your driving test.... i'm waiting to celebrate for you!
'fallen_angel'
1:01 AM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
spent the whole day at home today
supposed to go for CSR seminar
but felt like dying when i woke up this morning
head pain and spinning
limbs weak
hands shivering and shaky
so i plopped right back into my bed
and slept till 2pm in the afternoon
decided that i had to get started on my french project
and DPD now have to do executive summary
sigh
i'm not really feeling any better
but oh well
what to do?
i still need to go back to DPD to do executive summary
gotta be done by tonight
just pray that french won't screw up
sigh
am i feeling any better?
i can't say i am
i still wanna watch the lakehouse with a special someone
but will i get the chance?
do i want that chance?
if i get it, will i take it?
i'm actually rather happy with leading my life as it is now...
i can go out with my friends whenever i wish
i can go out with my cousin whenever he asks me to
there's no one i need to report to and account to
but when the night falls
and when all falls silent around me
the loneliness sets in
and i miss him so much
sigh
oh well
gtg
ciao ciao
'fallen_angel'
9:03 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
had business enterprise presentation today
it was ok
not fantastic
but we were relieved at the end of it
before i go on,
i'd like to apologise to all my groupmates
i realised that i made quite a number of mistakes in the report that i submitted
though it's too late for regrets now
but i'd like to say that i really am sorry
if my mistakes cause the group to lose precious marks,
i dunno what i can do,
but i'm just sorry
sigh
went to intercontinental hotel for a seminar on corporate social responsibility in travel and hospitality today
it was pretty insightful
but i'm just disappointed that i had to leave early
and miss the most interesting part of the seminar...
tmw, no school
means i'll probably be there the whole day
hopefully it's not boring
haha
friday...
ktv!
with gavin and shawn
haha
can't wait...
so many songs i wanna sing
grrr
haha
gavin, you better not pang-seh us wor
tsk tsk tsk
haha
oh well
exam timetable's out
25th august & 30th august
bleah
so far apart
rozy sayang... we go study together?
*muackz*
was actually in a pretty good mood after presentation at 1pm this afternoon
tired. exhausted. lethargic.but still happy nonetheless cos main projects are almost over
but seeing you,
i was sent right back to gloom-land
not cos i dont wanna see you
but cos i cant say anything to you
i dont even know if i should acknowledge you
it hurts
truly
but i guess it's my own doing
i have no one else to blame but myself
it's difficult for everyone to understand
and perhaps even you cant understand
or maybe you understand... u just cant accept
is that it?
sigh
it hurts to see you and pretend not to see you
especially upon seeing my fellow groupmate seem to rise to heaven when she saw her 'him'
sigh
at the exact same moment,
we drifted off to our own little world...
and they are worlds apart
one's called happinessone's called desolationwhat am i to do?
i really wanna walk away
but i cant
why?
why?
why?
argh
sometimes,i really think i wanna run away from my lifeisnt it the simplest way out?the easiest solution?no doubt the most cowardlybut when i'm not around, i wont be able to hear what others say about meright?last night,
gave up my comfy bed for my dear brother cos he said he want to sleep my bed
so,
i slept on the floor
and that made my sinus problem worse
and gave me the most horrible of headaches for the whole day
till now
hopefully tonight he stays put in his bed
now, 3 of us are sleeping in the same room
the room that is already too small for 2 grown up girls,
now has to accomodate the little master of the house
so from now on,
cannot study late into the night in the room with music and lights on
cannot talk late into the night freely on the phone
cannot turn on the light when i wake up early in the morning
can't even do my makeup properly
argh
sacrifices
and every so often at night,
have to wake up and make sure that 'his royal highness' is well-covered with his blanket
cos kids like him, love kicking the blanket off himself
grrr
annoying
and have to keep my ears tuned for his calls,
in case he's thirsty and what not
even in my sleep
no matter how tired i am
sigh
and he snores!
goodness
now i have to bear with 2 persons snores
used to be just one
okok
i know i'm lamenting and bitching like crazy
but ultimately,
i still love him
*snickers*
read through some of your old blog entriesjust for the sake of itand for the sake of old timesand i realised something...entries had names of everyone else but meseptember 2005was an important monthand there was nothingwas there?actually... come to think of it... i think there wasbut...guess you removed itshant question it...details of what movies you watched with othersbut none where it matteredonly negative posts had me as a subjecti wonder whyoh wellwhat's past is past i guesssomething i'll never do is remove my memoriesor pretend they dont existi treasure all of itso so muchsighwe're just different... arent we?i wish you happiness.ignore me please.
'fallen_angel'
9:15 PM
Monday, July 24, 2006
one down, two more to go
had Organisational Behavior project presentation today
tomorrow, it's business enterprise
sigh
and the next 2 days, i've got a seminar to attend
should i miss ticketing&reservation class for the seminar?
i'll be then missing the session on Eco-tourism,
as well as one on The Importance of Tourism & the Need for Sustainable Growth
well,
i did a presentation on these 2 topics just last friday
grrr
should i go for it and boost my knowledge?
or go for ticketing&reservations class?
next week got another test for it...
and i swore to do my best and work hard for it
tmw's lesson should be rather important
should i?
or should i not?
argh
headache
life is indeed full of choices
and every choice is as tough as the other
sigh
i think i'm gonna lose sleep again tonight
just like i have the past week
grrr
i can't seem to sleep every night
and it's affecting me in everyway
my throat is gving me trouble
my eyes are tearing constantly and blurring my vision
i cant concentrate on anything
and i got a hell lotta work to do that i cant seem to get started on
sigh
so much on my mind
you, you, you and more you.
i hate it
why cant i make my life be about me?
why?
why is it so impossible?
i miss you...
'fallen_angel'
9:11 PM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
went to east coast park for dinner today
with mum, dad, chloe, chantal & drago.
all that was on my mind was the last time i went to east coast park
and that was with you.
rollerblading, cycling and chilling
the times we spent
were heavenly and will be remembered
our first and only seaside sunset was there
and it's a picture that will be etched deep in my mind for a long long time to come.
the whole duration of the dinner,
that was all that was on my mind
like the Jay Chou song,
i wanna return to the past
try to keep you in my embrace
but like you said,
i wore you out...
and i dont wanna continue doing so
sorry for everything
it's amazing how these adults can act the way they do
one moment, they are cuddling and making out with other men at a club.
the next, they are playing frisbee at the beach with their husbands and children
they dont even show a hint of guilt when they come face to face with one of those other men
i have no idea how they do it
i don't think i ever can make myself do it.
oh well
--------------------------------------------
here's a short piece of poetry written for me by my dear friend shawn:
sometimes in life we encounter stuff, that make us feel that we've had enuf.
these phases whether gd or bad, we shouldn't really feel so sad.
there'll always be a better tomorrow, we must not drown ourselves in sorrow.
remember all the gd times spent, because they're all actually god-sent.thank you so much
it's really sweet of you and i appreciate it =)
--------------------------------------------
i've got a really really busy week coming up
hope i can get through it unscathed
someone save me from my disillusioned world...
'fallen_angel'
10:11 PM
Something Like You So many timesI thought I held it in my handsBut just like grains of sandLove slipped through my fingersSo many nightsI asked the Lord abovePlease make me lucky enough To find a love that lingersSomething keeps telling me That you could be my answered prayerYou must be heaven sent I swearCause something happens when you look at me I forget to speakSomething happens when you kiss my mouthMy knees get so weakCould it be true this is what God has meant for meCos baby I can't believeThat something like youCould happen to meSomething like youIn your eyesI feel your fire burn (feel your fire)All your secrets I will learnEven if it takes foreverWith you by my sideI can do anything (can do anything)I don't care what tomorrow bringsAs long as we're togetherMy heart is telling me That you could be my meant to beI know it more each time we touchSomething magicalSomething spiritualSomething stronger than the 2 of us aloneSomething physicalSomething undeniableNothing like anything That I've ever known--------------------------------------------
once upon a time,
that was how i felt
but oh how wrong was i
it was never meant to be
a mistake right from the beginning
a naive thought on my part...
then, it was indeed magical
but feelings can be deceiving at times
they do not mirror the truth and the reality
the weak knees, are mere illusions
my answered prayers were even greater illusions
all it did was make me fall
so hard..
harder than i ever have before.
everytime i think of you
i think of everything
the good & the bad
the forgettable & the unforgettable
the magical & the disillusional
the spiritual & the physical
i was wrong
but i don't know what i was wrong about
is it really a crime to love?
if so, i have been duly punished.
the prosecution should rest its case now.
'fallen_angel'
3:15 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
i hate myself for being so weak
i hate my tears for not listening to me
why am i crying again?
what for?
what's the point?
does it help anything?
but...
i can't help it...
i think my dark eye rings are not from getting not enough sleep
it's probably from crying too much and rubbing too hard when i wipe the tears off
i really hate to quarrel with you
it really hurts
everytime we speak,
i cry
why?
why is it i have to love you so much?
if i don't, it wouldnt hurt
and i'd be numb to all this pain
wouldn't i?
everything is taking a massive toll on me
family
love/relationships
school
project
finances
health
i feel like giving up on everything
nothing seems to be going right for me
i tell people to be satisfied with what you already have
cos only then you'll know how lucky you are indeed
but
is there anything for me to be happy about?
anything for me to be satisfied with?
seriously?
my family's a mess
my love life is... well... a worse mess... a total failure in fact.
school's ok... but not doing as well as i should be
projects... are a disaster... looking at the horrendous emails being sent around and i feel like crying all over again.
finances... well... my bills are all overdue again
health... feeling sick on and off... weather maybe... or maybe not.
sigh
maybe i should just be happy that i'm alive and well
but...
what's the point of being alive and unhappy?
i rather not be.
it's a saturday night...
what are you doing?
i'm letting my tears flow freely...
what a sad sad life.
'fallen_angel'
10:22 PM
Ms Quah returned my APEL portfolio to us today
and in mine, she offered some wonderful advice that seemed to hit bull's eye
here goes:
"There is a saying: we juggle many balls in our life. All the balls are elastic except the one that represents family is made of glass. We can drop the rest and they will bounce back but if we drop the glass ball, it will never be the same. It may crack or break and be gone forever."
wonderful, ain't it?
it's so so true...
oh well
it's 2.47 am
and i just got home
went out with my 'da ge' (big brother, but not exactly... he's my direct cousin... same surname)
said he wanted to bring me to Devil's
not really into clubbing anymore,
but didnt wanna pass on the chance of spending some time with him
so went to his shop at Sim Lim Square to look for him,
then went to Bugis to eat sushi with him
chatted quite a bit
then we walked to a karaoke pub behind Raffles Hotel where his friends were waiting
only there, i found out that those friends know daddy too...
they always go out drinking together
hmm
guess the only reason why i was there was cos daddy's away in bangkok for the weekend
haha
oh well
didnt really drink much
mainly cos i dont really wanna drink
then me and da ge left for devil's bar first as his friends were still waiting for more people
da ge had membership so could get in free, even without checking id
haha
then all of a sudden, change of plans.
thumper.
grrrr
but one of the guys came over to drive us there
so it wasnt that bad
thumper... well... older crowd, rather good live band, super duper packed
and his friends were all 30+ year olds
haha
i was like a little girl
but then again, they actually thought i was at least 22 years old
and that da ge was my bf
cos he was holding my hand and all... the place was crowded and he had to take care of me
haha
he's so wonderful to me
the way those people drink their Johnnie Walker Black Label, is scary.
6 people. 5 bottles. 2.5 hours.
like wadehell lar
and no one was drunk
da ge decided to send me home at about 2am
and when we left, they were STILL drinking
crazy idiots
anyway... he was so sweet to send me all the way up to my doorstep
even though it was already so late and he would have to catch another cab
sigh
a bf like that would be nice
but a brother like that, is the bestest!!!
haha
i love him =D
anyway
monday, he and my 2nd brother will be coming over for dinner
hopefully i can make it back in time to have dinner with them
oh well
i'm shagged out
tired
my legs are aching from the heels and the standing and the occasional spurts of dancing
gonna go sleep
tmw, is another project chionging day
ciao ciao
buona notte!
'fallen_angel'
3:05 AM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
supposed to have a post uploaded yesterday night but seems like blogger screwed up and didnt post it.
oh well
all i have to say about seeing Jolin Tsai in real life at Zouk is just this:
attitude, diva, super fake big boobs, her dance is not that fantastic, she's not as pretty as we all thought.
that's all
if u want details,
come and ask me yourself.
i dont wanna say too much and kenna curse by her loyal fans
but then again, i dont think she has much loyal fans locally
that night, only a small contingent of about 10-plus fan club members came.
and they were from m'sia
so yah
u get the point
but still, i must say that i still like her songs very much
just like jay chou, i love their songs
but i dont like their personality or their image.
so let's just appreciate them as singers and nothing else.
anyway,
submitted Organisational Behavior and Business Enterprise reports yesterday
so 2 down, and many many more to go.
i suddenly think that i suck big time as a leader
those who are aware of what happened and how my group members got into a shouting match,
u'll know why i say that.
sigh
though i admit i didnt handle the situation all that well
but
i cant believe how bad it is...
it's as though all the efforts i put into the project are all wasted
and not appreciated
in a lousy lousy mood now
and i'm tired
so very very tired
my head is spinning
my skull is splitting
my ears are ringing
my eyes are teary
my limbs are jelly
my bones are aching
argh
but there's still so much to be done within this weekend
i dunno what to do...
and i wanna watch Pirates of the Carribean!
i know everyone says it's lousy and all
but i still wanna watch it...
sigh
no one to watch with
everyone else watch already
and next week there's The Lakehouse, The Lady in the Water, etc...
and next friday i wanna go ktv...
gavin? shawn? and who else?
sign up now!!!
haha
i'm going crazy..
and i still owe my dear older brother (cousin actually, but he treats me like his little sister) a dinner...
tsk tsk tsk
i still hate my life.
'fallen_angel'
11:36 PM
went to Jolin Tsai's showcase mini concert at Zouk this evening with Shawn
got alot of comments and opinions
haha
as usual
but i'm so sleepy and shagged out
just finished my business enterprise proposal
so i shall tell you all about it tmw ok?
sorry
and yes, i forgot to bring camera.
so no pics
dont cry.
but i dont really regret not bringing my camera.
cos nothing to take
muahaha
more of the lowdown tmw!
good night all...
2.54 am
argh!
'fallen_angel'
2:26 AM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
alas...
i got a
B+ for my ticketing&reservations test.
i got a shock when i saw my grade honestly
i never expected to do that well...
for one, i missed the 2 lessons before the test
and those 2 lessons just so happened to be the most important for the test.
for two, i didnt go back to school to practise during the holidays
so the test itself was the first time i was doing an actual transaction on amadeus
all i did was follow what the book said.
without even being sure what i was doing...
when she said that a whole lot of people failed and did very badly, i freaked out
sigh
thank goodness
guess all that means is that i'm damn good at following instructions...
muahaha
and i have to really thank ms ivy tan for moderating the grades
i dunno how the moderation affected me but it probably helped a little
thank you
thank you
thank you!!!
i swear i'll work hard for my next 2 tests
i will i will i will...
oh well
guess it's a season for second chances
even 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and umpteenth more chances
deuxieme, troisieme, quartieme, cinqieme, sixieme, ...
ok i know that previous line was random
anyway, why i said that is because mummy has forgiven daddy
at least that's how it seems to be
she's smiling, talking and helping him iron his clothes again
it's amazing huh
despite the fact that she's given him more than enough 2nd chances,
she's not given up yet
if i were her, i really dunno if can do the same thing
sigh
is that good or bad?
my family's technically complete
but happy?
only time can tell
now it's our turn to try forgiving him
despite all that he's done to hurt me and us
sometimes i feel that i seem to be living double lives
in public and in private
in front of my friends and in front of my family
sigh
so tiring...
someone save me from this sad sad life of mine...
'fallen_angel'
7:33 PM
Monday, July 17, 2006
rushed home in a cab this evening
cos mummy msged me on msn while i was having my group project meeting, to tell me that daddy wants to take her out to dinner but he wanted to bring Drago along.
i was so pissed off.
if he wanted to talk to her and solve their problems, why bring my pesky little brother along?
they wont be able to have the good talk they need.
so i said i'll rush home and take care of bro.
"tell daddy to leave him at home. i'll be back in awhile."
spent $7 bucks to cab home
and btw, cabbing home from TP used to be only $4!!!
anyway, got home in like 10 minutes
showered him, left him in the room to watch cartoons cos he said he didnt wanna have dinner until 6.30, and i went to take my own shower.
was pretty hungry already so made him come out for dinner at 6.15
fed him, while trying to eat my own meal... irritating little brother refused to eat the vege i cut into his bowl. had to pick my way around the vege. bleah
brought back memories of how i used to babysit him every single day when he was still a little infantmummy had to work and i was still in sec 1... i'd go home every afternoon straight after school and take care of himmake milk, feed him, change his diapers, bathe him, entertain him and make him sleep...so i think i'll make a good mum! hahahow many girls my age can say that she's babysit an infant for so long?i even took him out to orchard on my owntravelled via bus and mrthe couldnt even walk thenso yeah...hahaanyway,
then ate longans with him... he said he knew how to peel the skin himself so refused my help
so cute... his fingers no strength, had to use his teeth and he kept squirting the juice all over me and himself
wash up the dishes, did the laundry and watched tv while making him do his spelling corrections
he spelled 'very' as 'vaey'
haha
finally dad and mum came back about half an hour ago
then now i can get started on my project stuff
so many things to do...
but guess my priorities have to be set straight
i swore that i'll give up anything for my family... and i love my brother more than anything in the world...it stems from ever since mum got pregnant with him i thinkmum couldnt sleep everynight cos of backache...so i massaged her back every single night, kneeling on the floor beside the bed, until i hear her soft snores. only when i'm sure she's asleep, then i'll tiptoe back to my room to sleepsometimes it takes less than half and hour, other times i can be kneeling there for 2 or more hoursthat's despite me having school early the next day and all thatevery checkup mum had, i went with her
so i literally saw my bro grow from a pea-sized creature till the big boy he is today
it's amazingso now, you tell me,
who do i love more?
mum or bro?
haha
both.
oh well
mum and dad came home looking pretty normal
so i hope it really is normal
as much as i want a complete family, i want mummy to be happyif daddy cannot make her happy,i hope one day i can make it all up to her...i love you mummy...
'fallen_angel'
11:18 PM
Sunday, July 16, 2006
i dunno what's gonna happen now
ah ma says if mummy and daddy cannot get back together, she will leave this family...
sigh
i love granny
and i was raised by her
i dont want to see her leave us
and she's already 70 years old
but how can i expect mummy to forgive daddy?
the last time it was 12th june, my birthday
we all decided to give him another chance
and we almost got back to our happy life...
dinners, watching tv together, going out, etc
barely a month
and he's back at it.
how to trust him?
sigh
what a dilemma
like what i told ziyang,
sometimes what adults do, we cant control
and most of the times, when adults make mistakes, it is us children who suffer the consequences...
daddy makes the mistake, and it's the 4 of us that loses our complete family and now, i'm facing the prospect of losing my dearest granny...
i hate my life
to the core
daddy says i have to bear some of the blame for what has happened
do i?
what did i do?
the reason why this is happening is because he is looking to fulfil his desires
what's it got to do with me?
someone gimme an answer please.
'fallen_angel'
8:02 PM
it happened again last night.or rather early this morning.3 am.the whole family fast asleep except for daddy who was still watching tv in the living room.normal.i was in the midst of a very good dreamwoke up in shock to the screams of mummy.she was calling out "mummy!!!", referring to my grandma.daddy's mum.first thought was,'shit. what happen to ah ma?'i ran out of the room with chloe, and saw ah ma run out with chantal.i looked at the kitchen, and saw daddy fighting mummy.he was grabbing her wrists and strangling her at her throat.with brute force.never in my 19 years of life have i seen daddy using violence.massive quarrels yes. but never has he used his hands before. on any of us in the family.i tried to defend her and he came towards me with his fists raisedshouting "fuck you!" and "fucking bitch!"and mind you, that's my father.the one who says that among all my siblings, he loves me the most.if it wasnt for ah ma who stopped him, i'll probably be in the hospital by now.i was made to go into my room and lock the door so he wont come inand i sobbed uncontrollably into my chloe's arms what was i to do?seeing mummy's wrists all red from daddy's grabbing,i just felt like punching him in the jaw and wake him upbut i was no match for himi dont wanna disclose what he did that sparked the violenceit's disgusting to even think about it.men.cannot keep their dicks where they're supposed to be.in their pants and at home.how can that be a legitimate reason to betray your wife and family?how can that be?and he said to ah ma that it was because of me.because i am not the daughter he wants me to be...what do i have to do with his ridiculous libido?as a woman, i have utterly zero respect for him and i feel so so strongly for mummyas a daughter... i'm just very disappointed.very very disappointedseems like i was wrongmy family is indeed breaking into pieces.millions and millions of unretrievable shards.i love mummy so much but i loved him just as muchi knew that he loved me but he was just not able to expressed it outright.he loved us in his own way.but his way was one we couldnt accept.the constant scolding, the harsh words, the lack of care and concern...i dunno what to do now...i hate him for what he did to mummy and what he almost did to mebut i also love him because fundamentally, he's my father.i want a complete family...one that's happy...one where we can go out for dinners every weekend together like before...one where there is warmth when i return home...one that my little brother can grow up happily in...one that in years to come, i know i can depend on to turn to when things are not going smoothly for me out there in the world.but right now, hopes of it seem really really dim.i'll never forget that scene: one moment he had his hands around mummy's throat, the next moment he's vehemently denying that he did nothing wrong. and saying that he deserves better. i woke up this morning, seeing mummy clear drago's toybox... throwing away 5 big bags of toys... and i dunno what to say or thinkmy mind's in a whirlone part of me says mummy deserves better than the treatment she's getting from her husbandthe other part of me dont want them to split...nothing good's gonna come out of it for the family.ah ma's gonna suffer...she work so hard for us in the family...and i love her like nothing else in the world.and she's too old to have to go through this...i wish i can forgive him soon...sigh
i dunno what else to do or say...
supposed to complete my issues presentation by today...
but it's gonna be a tough one to accomplish...
cant even focus on anything...
sigh
now you tell me... how can i possibly be in the mood to talk about love and relationships?the disillusion doesnt stem only from myself... but also by whatever's going on in my family right now.mummy also gave her all and devoted 20 years of her life to him...but in return?what did she get?a husband who seek women from outside to satisfy his primal desires.yes, argue all you want that it's just man's nature.and some might even say that mummy's in the wrong by making a mountain out of a molehillsome might say a wife's responsibility is to make sure that her husband is happyand if it means that he's happy with flirting outside, as long as he comes home at the end of the day, the wife should close one eye.i say 'fuck that'balls to you if you're one of those shallow beings.a wife is still humana wife is to be loved and cared for.not to be betrayed.sighseems like he's right...it really doesnt pay to devote so totally when the other party doesnt reciprocate it.like i said yesterday,
someone please save me from this sad sad life...
'fallen_angel'
10:53 AM
Saturday, July 15, 2006
celebrated joce's birthday at hard rock cafe this afternoon
had fun
and hoped she enjoyed herself...
after the celebration, the guys wanted to go arcade while the girls go shopping
i dont like arcades and i dont really like shopping either.
and since gavin had to leave, we left together with siok too
had to give the guys some girl advice so that he gets the correct type of gift for his gf
it's a special day today
hope she likes the gift that we picked out for her:)
she's a lucky lucky girl...
wish them happiness...
and i took the train all the way to boon lay
haha
super far
but gavin drove me all the way back to tampines so it was ok
he had to go TP anyway
and i transferred car to his
i feel so lucky... got chauffeur
haha
we were gonna head for dinner when he told me about his mum's bday
so,
i made him send me home and take his mum to dinner instead
but he's leaving tmw... so to go out the last time, we're gonna go for dessert and drinks later
so now,
i'm just waiting for him to finish dinner
i still havent done my DPD issues presentation
i'm so gonna be dead
tmw have to 'pia' the whole day le
sigh
but i'm in a good mood today
and i think it has alot to do with spending time with my dear friends and having gavin to talk to
someone even said i seemed happier today
honestly, there was a part of the day out when i felt like my mood was turning pretty gloomy
and it stemmed from seeing siying-goldfish and caiyun-victor so happy and xing fu together
so envious
if only i can be that happy too
and knowing gavin is happy... i feel happy for all of them
but cant help feeling a little out of sorts too...
but luckily he told me that they also do have their problems...
and he gave me alot of advice...
made me happier
but still... the heart still hurts time to time
i still stand by my old belief that EVERYBODY DESERVES TO BE LOVED.listened to a song on itunes last nightand the essence of it is: to be loved is happiness, to love is torture.i think i never announced this before
what i wanna say is i'm sick and tired of studying about the hospi and tourism industry
it's still my passion
but i have no interest whatsoever in furthering my studies in that aspect.
instead
if i do go to a university to further my studies
i wanna major in either social sciences or something like literature
the other part of my interest
i might even consider mass comm
cos of my interest in journalism
writing, journalism and reading...
those are my other passions
so yeah...
sigh
i wanna graduate soon
tired of poly life... 3 years... so long...
only thing i'll miss is my friends
cos everyone will be going separate ways and opportunities to meet up will be pathetically little
and i dread internship
although it'll probably be interesting and will be over in a jiffy
but it still means another half year of this crap
grrrrrr
someone pull me outta this sad sad life.....
'fallen_angel'
8:46 PM
i dunno what i'm doing here blogging
when i can barely see through my overflowing tears at what i'm typing
talking to my dear friends just now was satisfying
and brought back so many memories
so much was put into perspective
and it breaks me to pieces to really recognise all the silliness i've been displaying
i'm beginning to lose all hope in myself and my relationships
although i still believe in true love, i think i'm becoming truly disillusioned about it
not until i meet the one who's right for me, will i learn to give my all again
the risk is too high
the pain is too great
though to him, and the people around him, i will be seen as the one who didnt want and the one who gave up... the one who let him down.
but others cant possibly tell how bad i'm hurting inside...
Gav touched my heart just now, when he said that he worries for me when he sees me down...
i dont want people around me to worry...
but...
i'm really just such an emotional person
never in my life have i been put through a test like this
and i cant say if i really made the right choice.
but it seems to be the best option
everything's gonna be really tough now
there's so much i need to get over...
i've never been afraid of love and relationships before.
never.
not even after all that crapshit i've been through
2 violent boyfriends who beAt the crap outta me when they're unhappy.
a psychotic boyfriend who attempt suicide just because i had to go to school and couldnt accompany him.
then there are the ones who cheat on me, the ones who 'loved' me only for physical satisfaction, etc... some are overlapping each other's traits.
after every failed relationship in the past,
i've always come out stronger than i was before
and i never lost my faith - that there is still true love in this world.
i've always had the confidence in myself in relationships.
but now,
i cannot be so sure of it anymore...
i've never had this weird feeling tugging at my heart before... and instinct tells me that it's fear...
fear of falling in love again...
not just falling in love simply... but really falling so deep that i devote more than i ever have and not knowing how to draw myself up.
i find myself asking the same question over and over again... "will i ever fall in love so hard and fast again in my life?"
and i have no answer to it now...
i used to be able to vehemently say YES!!!
now all i wanna do i learn how to stop crying!
i believe i can fdo it ah
---------------------------------------
dreams. do they really come true?i read somewhere that lives, are woven out of dreams.without dreams, life becomes meaningless and pointless to live for.i agree wholeheartedlyi admit that i'm a dreamer... but afterall, i am a girl...and which girl doesnt have a dream somewheredeep inside her heart?i've got losts of themmost might never come true, some might while others might just fade into the background in my life as time goes by.---------------------------------------
had a great great day today
mainly because i had the company of 2 good friends
gav and shawn
ktv was super duper fun
3 persons and we got to sing the songs we like and mike-hog all we want
muahahaha
and dinner was fulfilling too
at redhill
spend 3 hours at the hawker centre
just sat and chitchatted all the way
sigh
really missed those days when we spent so much more time together
missd talking to both of them!
grrrrr
sleepy...
arrividrerci!
'fallen_angel'
1:39 AM
Friday, July 14, 2006
"Congratulations! You are our lucky winner in the CLEO/Stella Stella Promotion. You have won for yourself a Stella Stella voucher, worth $20."
and make a guess which issue was this from?
DECEMBER 2005.
like huh?
abit late right?
now i have to go down to The Arcade to collect my 'gift'... period between 11-25 July.
grrr
so sian
actually, this is the 3rd or 4th time i've received a letter from CLEO mag
so lucky right?
haha
the only mag that i ever get gifts from.
maybe cos i'm their namesake.
hahaha
the best one was 2 tickets to a DXO party earlier this year but i had to give it a miss cos of another D&D.
now i cannot even remember what the Stella Stella vouchers are for.
so inefficient.
tsk tsk tsk
i remember once when i was reading a CLEO mag, at the page where they interview contestants for their CLEO cover girl search,
i thought to myself..."i should go join. and when they ask that standard question of 'why do you think you can be a CLEO cover girl?', i would simply say 'well, my name is cleo. i am who you are. why not?'"
muahahaha
i know i'm not making sense but i'm so super tired
tsk tsk tsk
last night slept at 4am
now my eyes can barely keep open
supposed to go on with my issues presentation powerpoint but i'm ready to give up
so annoying
cannot even focus my eyes on the comp screen
wasted my time going for meeting today... 2 hours of meeting and NOTHING got done
and when i say nothing, i really mean nothing. nought. zero. empty.
grrrr
that was followed by another 2 hours of slacking
but at least had shawn to talk to so not that bad.
we entertained each other at Mensa
btw, i still think the image of you eating the bone marrow of the veal shank is utterly gross
and the corn!
my gawd.
*gawk*
anyway
i'm blabbering
good night....
pray that i dont see work and words in my dreams.
haha
unlike Chloe, who dreamt of maths equations the whole night while preparing for her o'level math papers.
muahahah
that was hilarious
cos she woke up hysterical and scared that she would fail just like she did in her dreams
tsk tsk tsk
nut case.
okok
i really need to go
ciao ciao
au revoir
bonne nuit!
'fallen_angel'
12:19 AM
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
arghhhh
i'm going crazy with eco-tourism
and i realised that i spent my whole night researching for my eco-tourism issues presentation that i havent edited the business enterprise proposal that i'm supposed to have for tmw's group meeting at 12 noon
how how how?!?!?!
tonight no need to sleep already
and i think i'm supposed to finish the OB article analysis too!
grr....
i'm so gonna die
i never knew i was this bad at organising my time
i never had this problem before?!
how how how?!?!?!
at this rate, my hair's all gonna fall out sooner or later.
edna says all i need is to find one day to dedicate purely to my project work
and i think she's right
that's what i've been doing the past few semesters
but this time round, no time!!!
maybe this sunday.
at least 16 hours of chionging
if i could do it before, i sure can do it again.
so please everyone,
i'm sorry if i MIA on sunday ok?
do me this lil' favour of leaving me alone
msg me if anything crops up but dont blame me if i delay my replies
i really need to get this all over and done with
thank god ms ong says we can submit our issues presentation draft by monday instead of this friday
so i can use sunday to do it
anyway, had a pretty nice day today
woke up to a coool rainy weather
headed to bugis for breakfast at coffee bean before my appointment
nice, but the toast i ate had a tad too much cheese.
within 10 min, i was making a beeline for the ladies
grrr
that's what i call lactose intolerant
or rather, stomach's so sensitive that i cant eat so much dairy products!
haha
but i enjoyed myself
headed back to TP for DPD lecture at 2 pm
borrowed 5 books from the library for research purposes and lugged them all the way home
no particular good or bad mood...
just... stressed out.
muahaha
i think people who know me well will know how i'm like when i'm stressed
so if i offend anyone, please do not take it to heart.
i definitely dont mean what i did or said.
okok... gotta get back to work.
had to vent my frustrations abit to relieve the stress.
and i think i need an iPod shuffle.
so many songs on my laptop's iTunes but cannot listen without my laptop.
grrrr....
oh well... ciao ciao.
'fallen_angel'
9:45 PM
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
important clarification: I DID NOT FAIL MY FRENCH TEST!!!
the real reason why i had to re-take my french listening test is kinda complicated and confidential.
but for the record, i got full marks for my original test.
and to remove all doubts that i didnt achieve that based on my own abilities,
i volunteered to take a re-test with Jerome
and i got full marks again.
it proves something doesn't it?
actually, only proves that i can understand minimal simple content but it's good enough at this level.
the only saving grace of having to stay back so late and wait the whole afternoon away was the eventual full marks i got, and the knowledge that Jerome knows me by name! haha. so much for not knowing the students you dont personally teach. it's a plus point that he's pretty good looking. i know it's a sinful thought but there's nothing wrong in appreciating a person right? and he's nice. from what i see so far in any case.
still havent got back my results for ticketing
cos someone in our batch hasnt taken the test. despite being 2 weeks late.
how duperly irresponsible.
the whole world has to wait for 'her royal highness'
grrrr
i so wanna know how i did
ms. tan says alot of people failed
despite her major moderating
our class got a few
good, compared to the rest of the classes where many many more failed.
shit
now i'm getting scared
cant wait for lesson next tuesday
the only reason why i'm actually looking forward to ticketing class
it's boring otherwise.
cos it's not my interest, although it's pretty easy for me to understand the contents.
sigh
i'm so tired of projects
and everything else
so many things to do
i havent even bought my apel portfolio and i need to submit by this week
and all i'm doing is slack my days away
and going out
got things on friday and saturday
gotta sacrifice
sigh
sigh
sigh
why why why
i dont remember being as stressed out before
shittified.
i need to stop blogging
at least not so often
spend more of the time on work
'fallen_angel'
10:14 PM
Monday, July 10, 2006
stupid day.
right now, i'm sitting at Jupiter's cafe in school
the weather so nice and windy
and i'm waiting for 6 pm to go for French re-test.
grrr
had barely 2 hours of sleep last night cos of the annoying world cup final match
came for organizational behavior lecture at 9 am in the morning...
so disciplined right?! amazing...
supposed to then have tutorial at 12 nn
but only when we went up to the room then we saw the notice pasted on the door that our class is postponed.
shit
like wadehell are we gonna go now?
so we decided to have our group meeting
with 2 members absent nonetheless, but it still had to be conducted
finished up pretty quickly cos everyone was like half dead
ended up at Jupiter's by about 2 pm
and i've been here ever since
and it's 4.32 on my comp's clock now....
if i knew, i'd have just gone home on a cab
but a cab damn ex now lor... price hike once again.
sigh
i'm so so shagged
i wish i didnt have to do the French re-test.
plus the weather is so duper conducive for sleeping... no sun, lotsa wind and cool temperatures.
i wanna snuggle up in bed!!!
and once again,
we met each other.
without acknowledgement.
sigh
i dunno if it's by choice or not...
i guess i should have known it would be like that
shouldnt have had my hopes so high up
looking in the mirror earlier in the ladies,
i realised i look quite... haggard...
i dunno what i was that gave me that idea
maybe it's the lack of sleep
maybe it's something else
i miss the radiance i was once proud of having
what's happening?
nowadays, i cant seem to go anywhere without the whole powder and blusher deal
when i used to be able to go out confidently with just concealer for my dark eye rings
i need to do something about it
romance is not in the books it seems...
so that leaves exercise, enough beauty sleep and less stress on myself
but how?
no time no time no time!
24 hours a day is not enough
especially if i wanna have at least 9 hours of beauty sleep a day.
sigh
or maybe it's just the lack of romance
"girls in love and the most beautiful and radiant ones"
or so they say (loosely translated from mandarin)
sorry folks... i sound like i cant stop lamenting about everything huh?
haha
excusez moi
some quotes from Glamour magazine from men:
"women who eat are sexy" - indeed. that's why i eat the way i do when i can. don't stare at me like i'm a freak when i eat my heart out. and stop making me feel guilty for not rapidly putting on weight no matter how much i eat. it's in the genes.
"our friends' approval counts" - is that why? so i see... it's just a guy thing. no wonder.
"some men just need time" - dont date a man because of how successful you think he's going to be. date him because you like who he is now. in the end, it's what's on the inside that will make him successful or not. if he has that drive, fire in his eyes, help him cultivate it... and be patient. (i'm sorry i realised this only now...)
i've always believed that to be a better boyfriend,
all guys should make it a regular habit to read through girl mags like Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Cleo and Female.
not the trashy and pointless ones of course.
get them from mum, sis or girlfriends...
every girl reads at least once in a while.
or rather, every self-loving girl who is determined to be well-educated about life.
hence, to be fair to the opposite sex,
girls should make an effort to try to understand guys by reading more about their thoughts
but then again, guy mags dont really say much about themselves.
i tried it before.
so i thank myself for buying mags like Glamour USA because they frequently feature comments and quotes from the opposite gender...
argh... but i still fail in that subject. Men 101.
k la... i'm not making sense already... gonna go study for my french test.
ciao ciao
'fallen_angel'
4:26 PM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
had an enjoyable weekend...you said i seemed happier this morning...i hope you're rightcos somewhere deep inside, my heart achesyou and i both know the reason whyi know there are things you wanna say to me and ask me...but you held back...nevertheless, thank you for everything you've ever done for meand also for everything you're still doing for mei'll cherish all these moments we sharedfor as long as it takes...nothing else we can do right?there's so many things waiting for me to dothe service ambassadors... got a whole load of documents that i need to do up all because i lost the entire SA folder from my thumbdrive... it crashed along with every single file in it.destination p&d... PBL stuff, issues presentation, etc... and i've barely started on my issues presentation... deadline? end of this coming week.organizational behaviour... gotta do the article analysis for the group PBL project... asapbusiness enterprise... proposal need to rush, wine list need to develop, etc... deadline? also by end of this coming week. PLUS about 7 or 8 reflections to do... these are not normal reflections by the way. you need research. extensive research. goodness gracious me. argh!french... project need to complete within the next week or so, need to practise real hard for oral test. i so dont wanna get a C+ for french like i did for Jap just cos i didnt put in enough effort.all these are just a fraction of the stuff awaiting me.these are the tangible stuff.what about all the rest on my mind?the intangible crap?the things that i cant shake off no matter how hard i try?things like you?whom i miss like crazy but cannot do anything about it?i'm so scaredso scared that i wont be able take all this any longer...but no one could probably understand it...even if you understand, what can you do?like i always tell my mum: so what if i told you my problems? what can you do? can you make it all go away???i dunno if you still read my blogi dunno if i still want you to read my blogit's a conflicting thought i know...sighcrapso many things i wanna say... such that i now dunno where to start.i sometimes wish i can turn back time...to the times we were happy togetherand i try to tell myself that maybe i can just forget everything unhappy in the pastjust so that i can be happy with ya...but i get reminded of the fact that i chose solitudeeven though it doesnt suit me in any way... i admit i fail as a lone figure in this road of life...the coldness and the aloofness is killing me... but it's the price i have to pay for making stupid decisions and wanting to stick by them.i shant say anymore...i've said so much along the same lines the past few days that i think people are getting bored of reading...even i realise that i should be getting pretty bored of saying the same things over and over again... but i am not... surprisingly huh?oh wellmy head hurts like crazyand i've still gotta catch the world cup finals between france and italymay the better team win... i have no idea how to pick a winner in this...i wanna sleep my pain away... but i cant seem to will my eyes to shut themselves up.
'fallen_angel'
10:54 PM
Friday, July 07, 2006
today, had a pretty nice day.
morning went for boring DPD tutorial
then Cal sent us to RITS at TAS for lunch
3-course meal for $7!!!
super cheap
but portions also super small
ate with 2 Shawns ;p, Gavin, Cal, Emilyn and Ming Shan (dunno if spell right or not, haha)
had a pretty enjoyable time chatting and catching up with the lecturers
and next week - 5-course fine-dining for $7 ONLY!!!we've booked for 10 pax so whoever wants to join feel free...and we'll bring our own wine! muscato anyone???muahaha...after that, headed down to Orchard to meet Edna
on the way, saw Amanda heading to Heeren to work
love her new style... so grunge.
haha
anyway
accompanied her to Topshop and she bought some clothes
talked alot on the way
then we decided to find somewhere to chill and talk
ended up at Holland V again
haha
initally planned to go Essential Brew but thought of taking a walk and seeing if there's anywhere else we can go eat and chill.
ended up at 211 rooftop terrace cafe
pretty nice place
lots of greenery and all that stuff
but the weather was a little warm cos it was still sunny when we first got there
the food quite ok but a bit on the expensive side
anyway, took a whole bunch of photos, chit-chatted and ate a pizza each
well actually i had 2 slices left and she only ate 2 slices
haha
amazing
like damn waste money and food huh?
missed the feeling of talking to her so much...
hope you get well soon k gurl?
i'll always be supporting you!
then i took a cab back home cos i was so lazy to travel all the way
but when i reach my block, i tried to pay with the only piece of cash i have - $50
and the uncle refused!!!
he said he dont wanna take big notes
in the end i had to call Chantal to bring small change down for me
so irritating
end up mummy found out i took cab and nagged at me
bleah
not that i didnt have money lor!!! the idiot *****
grrrr
anyway
when we got to the rooftop terrace cafe,
i suddenly thought of the few times when we walked past the cafe together
but always gave it a miss cos of the prices of the food
but the ambience was quite nice and romantic
wish we actually tried that place at least once together
then the images that came through my mind was of those times when we walked inside the Holland Village Shopping Centre... the small shops we walked by, the one or two times we walked through Cold Storage together...
sigh
now,
Holland Village always brings back bitter-sweet memories
then there was Swensen's, where we ate together before we got attached... with Cal and Gavin i think
and Crystal Jade, where we ate together and i will never be able to forget that you loved the food there
when i got into the cab, images that flood through my mind were of you putting me into a cab to go home... how you'd open the door for me and first check and see if the uncle looks decent.
so much more i can think of... just in that area alone...
but seems like there's no more point in recalling it...
glad to see that you seem to be moving along pretty well
it hurts to pretend not to see you when i see you...
but i guess that's what they call 'necessary evil'?
so much emotions in me and i dunno how to deal with them
every other hour i get the temptation to pick up the phone and dial that number on my speed-dial but i never do...
i know i cant...i shouldnt!so i wont.why does this have to happen all the time?
i hate myself.
i hate my emotions.
i hate my constant battles of the heart vs the mind.
this sucks
i'm so jealous and envious of the people with wonderful partners and untroubled relationships.
how do they do it?
i'm so lost...
here's something i lifted of the website called cleopatra.com
"If her nose had been 1 cm shorter, world history might have been different."The most beautiful woman in history...Cleopatra~Cleopatra was the most splendid person in ancient Egyptian history,who led the world history by her nose.Her beauty and elegance saved Rome by bringing great Romanheroes such as Julius Caesar and Antonius to her knee.Being a brilliant woman, she could speak ten different languages.She was truly the woman who had both beauty and ingenuity.Many women in the world admire her and they want to be as beautiful as her.intriguing huh?
ever since i learnt of my namesake, i started reading about her history and it is so interesting to know...
and how different we are... i admire her but i dont think i can ever be like her...
not even close
or maybe i just dont want to?
haha
crappy shit.
'fallen_angel'
10:12 PM
Thursday, July 06, 2006
my dear cousin says love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and he wears it everyday.
is it true?
is love really so simple?
if it was really the case, then i say i cant even keep track of the times he's shown his love for me.
even edna thinks that if 2 persons love each other, nothing should stop them from being together.
but i still think there is really such a thing called 'not emotionally ready for a relationship'...
or am i just finding a lame excuse for myself?
if what i see is meant for my eyes, here's the answer to your question: no, no-one said it was gonna be easy. but no-one said it was impossible either. and no, i'm not enjoying the ride. to everyone else, it may seem like i am enjoying it fully... but it's killing me...
i'm just hoping that one morning i can wake up and be rejuvenated, feeling as though the night's sleep has killed all the monsters in me.
so much has changed in me ever since the incidents of the past few months
ever since i knew you, had you, gave up on you, found you and lost you all over again.
never in years of dating, have i lost so much sleep and hurt so much over a single relationship.
does that tel me something?
i dunno... if it is, i need someone to show me.
ti voglio bene...
mi dispiace...
one thing edna said just now really touched my heart...
she said she wants to get better... so that she can comfort me the same way i comfort her.
she doesnt want to just be a listening ear... she wants to be able to help me.
i love her for that...
you know,
i think i'm really really fortunate...
i have wonderful friends like Edna and Rozy, who listens to everything i say and who tries their best to help me out of my troubles...
thank you girls... for not judging, for not abandoning and for listening... i love you both...
and to a certain someone out there
i hope you know that i'm speaking to you...
the assurance you give me, that you'll always be there no matter what happens, is what keeps me going at times...
when i feel that the whole world is going against me, i find comfort in knowing there is at least one person out there who will be on my side.
i know it seems selfish of me... what i'm doing...
and i also know i'm maybe being very unfair to you...
but i really dunno what else to do and how to handle the things that are happening between us...
the unconventional relationship between us is amazing but at the same time, a terrible enigma within itself. one which drives me crazy at times just thinking about it...
sei affascinante.
'nascondre' or 'correre'?
'piangere' or 'ridere'?
or simply 'credere'?
'sorridere' can be the hardest thing to do sometimes. when you just cannot do it from the bottom of your heart.
E una bella giornata
but it's as dark as midnight inside of me.
arrivederci...
'fallen_angel'
9:54 PM
can someone out there tell me how people deal with hurt and pain?
i really wanna know how most 'normal' people out there deal with those mixed-up and pent-up emotions in them...
everytime i think i know,
i get messed up all over again.
no, i'm not in any kind of trouble.
not in the literal sense at least...
but somewhere within the depths of my heart, it's slowly dying...
i know how i feel...
but i also know i have to learn how to ignore those feelings...
because it won't only affect me... it'll affect the other party too.
especially if i take any actions without first letting it go through my mind.
does anyone have idea at all?
how much it hurts to have to ignore those overwhelming emotions and act as though nothing is wrong?
i hate the feeling of having to pretend i dont see my heart, when it's killing me inside and standing right in front of my face in real life.
"these foolish games are tearing me apart."
and so Jewel sang.
am i really just playing foolish games?
or am i really doing what i need to do?
it's times like this when i'm confused all over again.
i begin to have doubts about what i'm doing...
but i know it's too late for doubts and regrets.
so, i shall continue on this path...
i must learn to deal with my emotions and keep it under control...
"one should always govern over you emotions; not let your emotions lead you by your nose"
it's probably just another passing phase... a period of adjustment...
like i told a friend of mine who came to me for advice: "maybe you dont miss her... you just miss the companionship. the feeling of having someone close by your side, knowing that the other person feels the same way too."
maybe it applies to me too?
i hope it does...
i cant deny that i'm pretty happy with my life right now... at least nothing is devastatingly wrong...
everything's so peaceful on the surface
i'm having personal time and space,
i'm having more time and efforts in building up my friendships with people i neglected to really appreciate in the past
i'm having more time for my family
i also have more time to do my school work.
but can i really focus on those?
not really... though i try really hard.
being reminded of my feelings so many times in a day, is not fun. definitely not fun. it's in fact, painful. extremely.
i dunno what the hell is wrong with me too
now i just hope for school to be over...
hope that with me being busy with my internship, it'll take my mind of other stuff...
maybe it'll help if i dont have to see him so constantly.
will it?
sigh
the heart vs the mind.
and no, i'm not gonna draw you back into my personal battlefield. i'm not so silly.
so... leave me be and soon i'll wake up...
i know i will... cos i know i have to.oh and before i go, tonight's match-up - France vs Portugal.Zidane vs FigoViera vs DecoRibery vs RonaldoHenry vs PauletaBarthez vs Ricardohot stuff eh?a pitch of 22 extremely talented playerswhat will it ultimately boil down to?Domenech vs ScolariScolari, we all know who he is. the man who led Brazil to World Cup victory 4 years ago in S.KoreaDomenech? yes i hear you. who the hell?hahayet, it is down to these two men... may the cleverer man win.the portuguese team would be likely to have been instructed to attack with all their might. after all, a good attack is the best defence. and for that to work, players like Deco, Costinha, Figo and Ronaldo have to be at their very very best. both physically and techically. the defence would have to hold their fort and cover the tracks of their attacking teammates.the french will most definitely be attacking with lots of caution. ball control, flicks of magic and visionary play would be the mission of the night for the french players. in Zidane, Viera, Malouda, Ribery and Makelele, they've got older, experienced midfield players who are also oozing with flair and class. in Gallas, Thuram and Sagnol, they've also got solid defensive forts who have proven capable of withstanding the constant pressure from the 6-men Brazilian attack. i'm foreseeing an extremely exciting match with both sides playing beautiful attacking football. and just like we saw against brazil, france is capable of fairplay and maintaining the balance between friendship, fairness and competition. let's hope portugal can do it too.they dont have a good disciplinary record this year and with players like cocky ronaldo, i think the football they play can be very disgraceful. with all that talents, they should play with their capabilities and not with their mind games.i'm boldly predicting a 3-1 win for france. for these oldies to teach both ronaldo and scolari a lesson in life - arrogance does not pay. and playing fair is the best way to play.
'fallen_angel'
12:28 AM
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
IQ quiz
---------------------------
Q 1: What are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge?
A:
Step 1, open the fridge door.
Step 2, put the elephant in.
Step 3, close the fridge door.
Q 2: What the 4 steps to put a giraffe in the fridge?
A:
Step 1, open the fridge door.
Step 2, take the elephant out.
Step 3, put the giraffe in.
Step 4, close the fridge door.
----------------------------
what you read above might not be anything new to most of you.
in fact, i know it's a pretty old joke
but here's a new and interesting way to look at it -
the fridge is just like your heart.and the elephant is the hurt inflicted by a past relationship.in the 1st scenario, you opened your heart to the relationship and ultimately got hurt...and when the relationship came to an end, most people would close the door to your heart, trapping the hurt in there and closing off everything else from it too.but sooner or later, the 2nd scenario would have to be played out.the giraffe represents the possible new love.and the only way you can allow it into your heart for it to fill it to the brim, is to open your heart first.then the most important step is to take the elephant out of it.that's the only way to make space for the new possibilitiesfinally, if you want this to be everlasting, close the door to everything else.let the new love fill your and not let anything else intrude on it.am i making sense?
by the way, some people might find this a tad familiar, and that's probably cos you watched the same chinese show as me.
a grandfather told this to a little girl who was harbouring intense hatred for someone else, but there was a slight difference in the analogy. he used the elephant to represent hatred and the giraffe to represent love. apply it in the same way and you'll see that it can also make alot of sense.
i'm posting this for the benefit of some people out there, who doesnt have the privilege of understanding the meaningful and profound chinese language.
you see, another point i wanna bring out is that there is a 1,000,001 ways to interprete a single action, incident, scenario or sentence.
ultimately, it boils down to how YOU want to view it or interprete it.
look at it the wrong way and you make yourself miserable.
look at it positively and constructively, you make your life a happier one to lead.
who agrees with me?
these are really just abstract and ideological ideas... it's definitely easier said than done.
but sometimes, you've just gotta to constantly remind yourself that there's no other way.
and in life's journey, you're not allowed to stand at the same spot - neither progressing forward nor turning back
whenever you find yourself stuck in a puddle of mud or lost at the crossroads,
tell this yourself and you'll find yourself moving on sooner rather than later.
because you'll then know that you HAVE to decide on a route for the next part of your journey.
you'll have to know what step to take next.
right
i think i'm starting to go round in circles.
gotta watch Germany play Italy later on at 3 am
so i think i better go sleep awhile now...
i'd hate to fall asleep during the match.
i'm predicting a 1-1 draw, and italy winning on penalties. but just barely.
we'll see ;)
'fallen_angel'
11:57 PM
Saturday, July 01, 2006
this morning's interview was an eye-opener
there were at least 500 people who turned up for the interview
and no, as expected, i didn't make it past the first round
reason being i was put in a group with many 20plus-year-olds
and they went with those who could start immediately instead of me
cos i said i'm still studying and can only officially join early next year
guess i'll just have to go back after i graduate in February next year
sigh
i knew i should expect this result
but still a tad bit disappointed nonetheless
haha
i actually felt like i was at some Miss Universe audition or something
so many girls!
all shapes and sizes
some tall, some short
some slim, some plump
some really gorgeous and pretty, some really normal looking
some young and some old
and the only thing that made the difference was the number of guys as well
so many
but only a handful are good-looking
and most are actually even shorter than i am
tsk tsk tsk
the standards of SQ nowadays
even my aunt, mum and friends also say that SQ standard of girls getting lower and lower
so sad
maybe i should try the JAL application?
but i dont really like their uniform
i still want the kebaya!
haha
but then again, JAL pays in US dollars... hmmm... good money =D
oh well... better to think about this later on this year...
i seem to be doing pretty well for my French class in school
better than i did for Jap last semester at the very least
but there's this one thing i definitely have to do
i wanna learn Italian and/or Spanish
i love their language
and it'll be of obvious advantage no matter where i go in future with my career
i think i have a knack for languages, just as i do for mathematics
so i wanna do it while i'm still young and not waste time
had a brief encounter with the Italian language when i was working in Brek Ristorante
and i loved it alot
so graceful, sexy and musical
it may seem alot like French, but i can assure you that it's a much more beautiful language than French is.
Spanish, is just really interesting and useful
many countries nowadays speak Spanish
well... i'll just have to make time
oh and before i forget, driving!
way overdue
time to get started
but it'll still have to wait till i start earning my own keep
or else how to pay for lessons?
right?
haha
tonight,
England vs Portugal
England is definitely talented enough to beat the depleted Portuguese squad
but it will ultimately depend on how adventurous Eriksson will be
and knowing him, he'll just be hard-pressed to take the boring way out
a Portuguese side without Costinha and Deco and a not-fully-fit Cristiano Ronaldo, serves to benefit the England team
if only Eriksson knows how to fully utilise the wondefully talented attacking duo of Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard
with Gary Neville back to full match fitness, it will definitely provide the team's right flank with a much-needed boost
no one else can communicate better with Beckham than with his oldest pal
the right flank now needs Beckham to attack freely without a backward glance
and with Gary Neville as a solid backup behind him, he'll have no fear to go forward
in defence, it seems as though a Campbell-Ferdinand partnership will be more effective in cutting out the threats from Ronaldo and Luis Figo
and for goodness sake, if he starts Rooney as the lone striker again, i'll just tear my hair out in despair...
as his coach, he should know very well that this striker of his cannot operate effectively as a lone attacker up front
he needs a partner like Owen... not even Crouch can do as a good a job.
how i wish he took Jermaine DeFoe together with him to Germany instead of untried players like Theo Walcott.
youngster like him should first start with the Euro 2008 tournament before bringing them to the World Cup
sigh
but it's all too late now
guess he'll just have to make do with Crouch
my prediction?
England should be able to win in the very difficult match
3-2 is a very optimistic prediction
but i'd say be prepared for a penalty shootout and england should win marginally
Brazil vs France
hell of an exciting match to be expected
i cannot say who will win
so, this will be the first match that i will refuse to make a prediction
but i'll boldly say that i'm expecting a Germany-Brazil final come 9th July
'fallen_angel'
8:01 PM
