Sunday, March 12, 2006
i hate my life.
i hate everything that's going on.
sometimes i wonder, will it be better if i dont exist at all?
if i'm not in your life, will your life be simpler, happier, free-er?
i dont really know what i'm saying right now.
i love you so much
but it tires me out
i'm trying so hard but nothing is coming out of it.
i dont blame anyone but myself.
i guess you're right...
that something's wrong if i'm trying so hard and no results can be seen.
it is a fact that i want you and i need you...
yes, i can live without you.
but i rather not.
i dont want to...
if that day ever comes, i know i'll break down...
but i'll live.
i'll still live.
i'm babbling...but i'm still gonna post this.
but i might also delete this post by tonight.
i believe that people like rozy who reads nora roberts, will know what kind of love i'm looking for... will know what i need from the guy i love with all my heart...
you.
i hate it when i feel this dull ache in my heart...
i hate it when you start talking about us not being able to last.
but i guess it's inevitable
i love you
i want to be with you for the rest of my life...
i'm trying my best to make it happen...
but i need you to help me... by seeing things from my light and thinking loving me more...the way i need to feel loved...
i love you.
so much
'fallen_angel'
3:07 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
my second post for tonight, but i thought of this diary entry i wrote sometime in 2004
--------------------------
some people treat love as a game.
you play it, and it's either a win or a loss.
there's no ending or a future to it most of the time.
some others, believe in love.
so much so that it's the centre of their life... an ultimate goal to work towards.
there's no right or wrong i love.
no right or wrong person to love either.
only how the person you love is loved and how you are loved.
is it the way you want it to be?
if it is, good.
if it's not, decide if you still wanna live with it. if the answere's a no, move on.
love is meant to be fully enjoyed when in full bloom...just like the colourful flowers in the garden in spring.beautiful, breathtaking, delicious, marvellous, enjoyable, etc... all you can ever think of.that's how speechless i get when i feel that warmth of love spread through me...with you.at times, it just feels like a quiet small stream, flowing through the countryside, bubbling and bobbing along ever so softly, and also being heartwarming and loving.at other times, it explodes into a frenzy of massive waves and fierce upheavals, flooding the banks and blanketing everything else in view. everything feels so right now...
i know that things will not be 100% smooth-sailing.
rapids and potholes are unavoidable.
these and the occasional waterfall just has to be dealt with carefully... with lotsa TLC *winkz*...
for now, i'm preparing for THE DATE this coming wednesday.looking forward to a fantastic night with ya..cant wait!oh and i've gotta warn you in advance - i'm a sucker for romance... so if you dont want me to fall head over heels in love with ya all over again, dont be too sweet =)
'fallen_angel'
12:50 AM
is it even a wonder why i love you?it felt so right seeing you in the morning when you just woke upit felt so right reading my book in peace by your side while you indulged in your early morning gaming fixit felt right eating lunch at your dining table with you, though mostly in silence, it was in peace and happiness (well, at least it was to me)it felt right lazing in your bed, listening to the sounds of your shower and dozing off right where i wasit felt right watching you chose your clothes from the wardrobe and watching you dress up in your formal wearit felt right even when i was helping you find your tieand it definitely felt right waiting for your to put on your socks and shoes so we could leave the house together so, all that made the early rise in the morning and the 1 hour 45 minute journey all oh so worthwhile.
in the cab home just now, i had a smile on my face.
cos i was playing the '1 month - 1 year - 10/20 years' game in my head.
haha
dont even bother asking me what it actually is
all i can say is:baby, you won the game.a month from now, i can picture you and me spending time together..... chilling at home when i'm not working, going out fro occasional movies and dinner dates, etc. all that while waiting for the new semester to begin... guessing and worrying about whether we'll still be in the same class.a year from now, well, most probably we would have just finished SIP, and you'd be getting ready to go to the army. and i can still picture myself waiting for saturdays and spending quality time with you. and the worse part of it would be missing you like crazy when you're not around most of the week and we cant say "good night, sweet dreams, i love you" every night.and 10/20 years from now? well....... i've got a list of names compiled, but as for whether i'll go with your idea and call our kid "Nile Lee", shall reamin to be seen. and no, i'm quite sure it's not a unisex name. it's totally male. and though by then our lives would have turned into something of a routine, it would be a comfortable one....one that we built together...one that belongs only to us...ok maybe i think too much...but hey, a girl's gotta be entitled to her dreams and fantasies, dont she?
without a dream, nothing will ever come trueand without a vision for the future, it will remain bleak for a long long time to come.so, i have my dreams and my visions.....waiting for the day their brought to life.i love you, mr-look-like-piglet-when-you're-asleep.
so so very much...
'fallen_angel'
12:16 AM
Friday, March 03, 2006
ok i've got 5 mins for this update
been busy working everyday for the past week...
at Raffles Hotel Long Bar
yesterday was the STB Star Awards ceremony, where 30 of us went to help out in service and in kitchen
i heard kitchen did a great job and i'm so proud of them...especially you my darling!
*hugz*
haha
and in service,
i need to apologise to all who came...
sorry for the screw-up in your pay and transport home and all that...
let's just say that in future, creative eateries? No thank you.
haha
nevertheless,
i wanna thank each and every one of your for making it work despite the shittified management and working environment
you guys did a fantastic job =D
and emi, i think if given a chance, i hope i could have done much better for you guys..
thanks anyway...i really appreciate it...
kk...i gtg...
hope to update real soon...
love you all!
oh oh...baby, i miss you.like crazy...i dunno when i can meet up with you again, but it had better be soon or i'll just drive myself crazy.*muackz*
'fallen_angel'
3:11 PM