Sunday, November 19, 2006
I rest my case.
'fallen_angel'
6:31 PM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
why must there be so much pain and hatred in this world?
i can see why you are upset.
but i have to say this - you havent been replaced. and you never will be.
i'm lying if i say that i can forget you or replace you.
it's impossible.
so what if i'm dating again?
does that mean i'm in love again or happy?
no.
so not.
i'm just seeking company to absolve my loneliness.
dad's in depression now.
undergoing counselling and on medication.
you know how it feels for me?
you know how horrible it is to hear your dad speak of suicide?
everyday i live on the edge of insanity and fear.
because i dunno when everything in my life will fall apart.
it doesnt help that i'm so so occupied by attachment that i cant even remember the last time i had a proper dinner and conversaton with my family.
no matter what my dad has done in the past, he is still my dad.
i still love him.
i'm so so lost and i dunno what to do.
you remember why you broke up with me?
the root of it is that you felt i dont make enough effort to spend time with you.
now, can you see that it's not just you? my family is suffering too.
and do i have a choice?
no i dont.
if i had one, i'll never neglect my family. and you should know how important my family is to me.
i dont even know if you're reading this, but i still have to say it.
you know why i started dating again?
because i got sick and tired of drowning myself in alcohol night after night after night..
which was what i did the week after we broke up.
it was my only other alternative.
say what you may like.
like you said in your own blog, you wont wish me happiness and you wont give me your blessings. i hope you're happy now that i'm not getting a single ounce of happiness in every single aspect of my life.so what if i'm dating again?
i still cry myself to sleep every other night.
and i only knew about my dad's depression a few days ago.
via email.
because my mum couldnt find a way to speak to me besides my email.
cos she knows i check it for work regularly.
and to think we stay in the same house. in the same small small house.
you have any idea how patheticc that feels?
and i cannot even take a day's break... cos LO warned me that if i take another day of MC, i'll have to re-do my entire SIP. retarded.
so what do i do now?
continue.
and pray hard that god gives me enough time to make it all up to my family when SIP ends.
i'm living on borrowed time now.
and i wish so hard, that i have enough of it.
why isnt anyone there?why doesnt anyone care?why is there no understanding in this world or in my life?what am i to do now???
so much pain, so much hurt, so much anger, so much confusion...
so lost...
'fallen_angel'
9:06 PM
Saturday, November 11, 2006
and yes... i still do read your space. all the time.
i'm glad you now enjoy my habit of reading alone at starbucks.
i still do, you know...
take care of yourself...
and i'm really proud of you, and happy for you... for all the successes and great times you're having at work...
glad you took the advice to try new things... you've really gained from it...
really really happy for you...
all the best...
so much that wants to be said... but also so much that no longer needs to be said... it's all said and done, ain't it?
'fallen_angel'
8:00 PM
It's been awhile...
Firstly,
the reason why i seemed to have disappeared from the face of earth for so long is due to a few factors:
#1 - Attachment at TT is so torturing, time-consuming and energy-sapping. for example, yesterday i was on the afternoon shift and worked till 10plus. then was forced to go for the irritating DnD at Hilton Hotel until 12plus. it was a waste of time and i truly didn't see an enjoyment in it. It would be ok, except for the fact that this morning, i had to be at work at 7am. which means if i go home and sleep, i need to wake up at 4.30am. which will leave me with barely 2 to 3 hours. i didn't dare to sleep, cos i know i'd definitely not be able to get up. so, hanged around in orchard throughout the night. so as of now, i've gone about 30-odd hours without sleep. and i feel like a walking zombie.
#2 - back to modeling. done a few days of modeling for OSIM's new product... awfully good money but it's not dependable. been shuttling around for auditions and castings with some near successes but still lacking the last stroke of luck.
#3 - FBMA youth arm... time-consuming and it's a heavy responsibility. i know i will relish the responsibility. i just need to get used to it...
#4 - still helping my manager at TT deal with some of his workload from the ARDE Singapore. should be over soon... hopefully.
#5 - as some people would have already seen, i'm back in the dating field. so yes, i'm not gonna hide the fact that i've bounced back from heartbreak and as always, i believe strongly in light at the end of the tunnel still... think what you may think about me and say what you may say. all i have to say is - my uncanny ability to bounce back from my losses and stand up stronger has led me thus far all these years. and this ability does not make me less of a woman than i am. whatever impression you may draw, it's your impression afterall. no, i havent forgotten the past, and neither have i forgotten you or him. no way will i forget. i have merely chosen to give myself a chance... and put the keys to my happiness in my own hands instead of anyone else's. if this doesnt make sense to you, dont bother trying to figure it out. cos it's likely that you never will...
all i know now,
is that i need sleep.
desperately.
once upon a time,
i could go without sleep for 72hours on end,
work 17hour shifts for 3 to 4 days in a row,
and not feel the tug of weariness.
but i can't now.
i wonder if it because i'm growing old,
or it's merely cos i'm not enjoying my job?
wonder wonder wonder.
it's was great to see familiar faces along the streets... especially GAYNA! nu-er! getting prettier and prettier by the day... i saw the puzzled look in your eyes and i promise i'll explain it to you when we get the chance yeah? =) oh and you take care too...
Gavin, Shawn, Joce and gang!
KTV!!!!
i want my kopitiam sessionsssssssssssss toooooo...........
i'm dying from cold turkey...
and i truly truly miss you people...
take care and dont work too hard wor.....
good night...
i'll try to be back as soon as i can.
'fallen_angel'
7:37 PM
