Tuesday, May 30, 2006
did i just wake up from a dream?
it all seemed really unreal
a whole day
and it felt like a total blur
one moment it's there, the next it's not.
i don't even know how it all happened
the emptiness inside of me is hideous
the void is unfillable
but people say life still has to go on
the bond was there, the love is still great
but ultimately, i still had to let it go
will it ever come back to me?
please... i promise to treasure it with my heart and soul
will i ever have a choice again?
the physical pain is bearable. in fact, it's gone.
but it hurts
so bad
i dunno how to make it all go away
perhaps, it never will
it'll remain a part of my shadow till the day i leave this world
god save my soul
i'm sorry...
so so sorry...
'fallen_angel'
10:54 AM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
that night at sakae, u promised to give me all the time i need
u said u'll willingly wait for me
u understood what i was going through and u'll wait till i'm ready.
but look what happened today?
u decided that u've had enough of waiting.
u decided i was taking too long.
and it's merely a week.
so now it's all over.
because u couldnt keep to your promise
u promised to understand my situation and what i was feeling.
u couldnt.
and i'm sorry.
i was ready to say 'yes'
but now, according to you, it's :"goodbye... for good"
so... i shall spare you any further torture...
goodbye...
goodbye to everything.
as much as i wanna say i love you, i shant.
so that you dont have to say "stop your talk" another time.
u must be tired.
i shall stop here.
as per your wish, you wont ever hear from me again.
trust me
you'll think i disappeared from the face of this earth
and it'll be a good thing
i give you what you asked for
so... now... goodbye... for good.
'fallen_angel'
6:27 PM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
you've finally came to see the whole picture.
the how and why we are where we are now.
thank you for listening to me yesterday night
i dunno if we did the right thing but i believe you now know where i'm coming from.
thank you so much for understanding my plight
as i've said before, i cannot ask of you to wait and harbour hopes
hence, i'm gonna repeat myself
move on if you can
it will be your own choice
i still love you
but i have to be fair to you as well
i realised i underestimated you by thinking you would never be able to accept me anymore.
you proved me wrong
thank you
and please, stop blaming yourself... stop shedding any more tears...
let's wait and see what the future has in hold for us.
'fallen_angel'
9:28 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
well
seems like i'm kinda getting what i wanted huh?
or do you call it what i deserved?
leave you be?
as in "leave me alone"? or "get out of my life"?
i know why you are saying this... but i can't understand why...
but i guess i cant blame you for saying that...
i'm just sorry that whatever happened had to happen...
you probably dont wanna hear any of this anymore
but i still have to get it out of my chest
if that's what you are asking for, i'll give it to you...
i'll leave you alone.
and am i supposed to pretend i dont see you anymore even though you're right in front of me?
i dunno what to do anymore...
my defenses are all breaking down...
but i guess its probably better for you to start hating me and shutting me outta your life too huh?
sigh
for those who are wondering how it is that i can be so messed up emotionally and not show anything in front of you guys,
well
i'm a gemini.
so go figure.
plus, this is not my first time feeling like this.
having had professional help, i can distinguish what's actually happening to me in my mind and in my heart.
i just need to try all over again.
there's only so few i can count on to bare all too.
"i love you" - and that's to all who love me too.
'fallen_angel'
10:37 PM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
i just came to realise that i did the absolutely right thing to quit my job.
let's see:
i have 4 reflection papers to do and if i don't do any by these two days, i'll have 5 to do by thursday.
destination planning and development project...so much to do, so little time.
next tuesday, a really horribly tough business enterprise issue presentation to work out.
next monday, organizational behaviour class test.
organizational behaviour project... i dunno what to do about it.
i'm like a pathetic lost sheep especially when there's no-one there to share my weals and woes with.
time to get started.
mid semester tests in 3 weeks' time. and it will be here in a blink of an eye. scary scary.
last night, i had a horrible nightmare... it's so horrible that i don't even wanna repeat it here.
but i know i was sobbing out loud
and when i woke up, i was still sobbing and my entire pillow and bolster was soaking wet...with tears and perspiration. even though my aircon was blasting right in front of me.
see?
i can't even let my tear glands rest in my sleep...
sigh
i've put on 5 kg since before the holidays.
i know it's because of the fact that i've been eating and eating, but sigh...
people still say i lost weight.
weird
after next week, i'll start on a more healthier diet...i swear i will...
hmm
anyone wanna watch da vinci code with me?
and i wanna go bowling, eat sakae sushi buffet and sing ktv till i collapse.
any takers?
tomorrow i've got an appointment at 9 plus in the morning,
followed by an interview at 12 noon.
then lecture at 2 pm.
hectic hectic day
i just hope the interview goes well and i can reject all other offers.
pray for me...
this is the place i really wanna do my internship at...
a really random, disorganised and unfocused post but what the hell.
take it or leave it
cos that's exactly how i'm feeling now.
gotta go get started on my reflection papers.
ciaoz all...
'fallen_angel'
8:18 PM
Monday, May 15, 2006
alright, this is a warning to whoever's reading this now - what's coming up next will probably be a super emo post so bear with me, or just close this window. one more thing...read all you want, but please try not to ask me whether i'm okay when u see me around alright? i'm trying to go to school normally... help me...it's my last semester...*btw, congrats to all DHL winners this coming saturday. and no, i'm not one of them this time round*
tian, i just wanna let you know i read your recent blog entry.nothing can describe the feelings in me now...for one, it's your longest blog entry ever and for two, it's the only one written with me in mind.okay... i'm kidding about these two =Psighi don't even know what i wanna say now.i'm at a lost for words.i know you still have hopes of us getting back together... honestly, so do i.you always know how much i love you and wanted our relationship to work out...i've just quit my job at raffles hotel today... but still, no-one can even begin to imagine how messed up a life i have.ever since i lost you, my life has turned for the worseremember how i told you i had depression and came out of it before?i hate to admit it but i can see the same signs again...i'm falling into it all over again.i don't even wanna begin to wish to be back by your side... cos i know i shouldn't be dragging you into that dark and scary pit with me.inside me, i wanna ask you of this: "please wait for me to find my way back into the light...please...be there..."but i know i cannot be so selfish...as much as i can never forget our first kiss, our first embrace or even the first time i said 'i love you' outside your house and how you smiled ever so secretively when you heard it, i know i have to relieve you of all that memories.i dont know if i'm doing the right thing of posting this entryi dont know if i'm doing the right thing of talking to you ever so often recently in schoolbut what i know is this:my heart aches when i hear of your new pet and how i can't share your happinessit hurts when so much is going on in your life and i'm not there to share those moments with youit breaks me down when i cry at night, i can't call you to seek comfortit tears me apart when i see you, i know i can't run up to you and put my arms around you like used to all the time.will you ever understand how it feels like to sob uncontrollably every single night? i do...for i sob into the pillowcase you once slept in ever so often...till i tire myself out and fall into restless slumber...the sense of loss is so great... sometimes i get disoriented... your family was wonderful to me and it's weird to think of it that way, but i have emotional atachments there because they're a part of you too. i'm sorry to disappoint your grandma, and i wish i never had to disappoint your family too...i dont know what i'm blabbering about here so...i'm just really sorry.i know u'll come to me and ask me what happened and if i can share these woes with you...but i'm really sorry...despite how much i still love, treasure and care for you up till this very moment,i hope you can understand that i have to be responsible for mistakes i made...i need solve those problems on my own...please don't feel responsible for any of this.throughout our relationship, i have to admit the fact that both of us made our fair share of mistakes. at times i feel like i pampered you too much... i loved you so much i was willing to do anything for you. but at times, i demand more than i know you can offer to me. i realised that i was too selfish... i forgot that you never had a true relationship before...i rushed into things so fast we crashed headlong into our own mistakes. i no longer wanna pinpoint your mistakes... cos they're all blurred in my mind... but i sincerely hope you'll see them and change them for the sake of that next lucky girl.you know what tian?i never thought i was better than you.maybe it is true that i have more experiences than you... but never did i think that i was too good for you.in fact, i felt i was learning something new with you...you said you were trying to be as good as me, that you were trying to prove your worthiness of me.but tian, i love you the way you were even when we were just good friends...i never wanted you to be better in any way...you were good enough for me...true, your lack of experience sometimes frustrated me...but when i look back, i tell myself - "isn't that what i wanted? i wanted to be able to grow with you...to be able to experience the maturing stage with you..."i guess i failed really badly...so see? don't say you've failed...for if you say so, i've failed on an even larger scale.
dont....dont wait for me....i dont know how long i'll be....but i'll be satisfied knowing that you walked away recognising the fact that i still do love you very much...even if you see me with another guy one of this days, dont even start to think that i forgot about you.no way... you are far too special to me...and i know you were suspicious of me while we were still together... please, just trust me this one last time... i never did cheat on you...i always loved you one-heartedly.please... continue striving for your future... strive hard...and you'll one day learn that it's worth it... not for me, but for the lucky girl whom you'll decide to spend the rest of your life with. don't let any single person be the one reason you live for.... if it has to be, let it be yourself...as for your last request that i take good care of myself, i promise you i'll do my best. i've been ill for the past 2 weeks... i'll probably not recover for another one or two weeks but rest assured i will take care. i'm in a really down period right now, so i can't say i'm doing alright. but i will pick myself up... sooner or later...and similarly,for what it's worth,i really love you too.after baring my heart and soul tonight on a public webpage, i'm no longer afraid of criticism. people out there, say what you wanna say and think what you wanna think about me.
for i now know who my true true friends are....the ones who will always protect me from malicious harm...the ones who will never judge me upon the mistakes i made and the ones who are forever willing to stand by me regardless of how messed up i am.
Edna darling, thank you for all your encouragement tonight. i'll bear in mind all that u've said...
Rozy sayang, i've really run out of words to say to you...i'm just sorry i couldnt celebrate your birthday with you nicely...thank you once again for all that you done for me...including the times you scolded me and cried for my mistakes.
'fallen_angel'
10:36 PM