Monday, October 03, 2005
life's so full of ironies, twists and turns ain't it?
if my memory serves me well enough, my life's taken a turn from the dreams i had just a mere 2 or 3 years ago.
back then, i told these to my mum and all she did was listen and smile:
"i wanna get married by the age of 22 and have my first kid before 25. i want at least 3 kids - oldest boy and 2 little girls. girls are good cos i can dress them up like little barbie dolls. an oldest boy cos i've always dreamt of a big brother...i've grown up envying my friends who have big brothers to dote on them constantly. my husband would be the greatest guy on earth who treats me like his queen and his little girls like princesses. he'd have a steady job, no need to be rich but must be responsible. i'll have my own career on track and far from DINKs, we'll be happy with dual income and kids to share our lives with."
i can hear everyone laughing now. silly dream eh? now, at the age of 18 and a future pointing in unknown directions, i no longer know whether my life will go as planned.
so far, older guys have only succeeded in screwing up my life big time, offering me no sense of security or comfort. and now when i think of it, i so prefer guys closer to my age...they might not be perfect or mature when it comes to relationships but they're fun. it's suddenly dawned on me that life's short and unpredictable. if we don't have fun and enjoy life while young, when can we live life to its fullest?
but if i sit down and do my math, gawd! there's absolutely no way my guy can finish school, finish NS, get a steady job and marry me before i turn 22. Mission impossible, gurl! my dream can only be fulfilled with a guy much older, who have generally proved themselves to be jerks and so from today onwards, they remain as dreams... i've gotta start formulating a new dream now. sigh.
but just a statement beforehand: i'd really love to have kids before i grow too old to watch them grow up. i wanna hold on to my youth while i give lessons about life to my kids. i wanna be able to bring them to places i've never been too while i still have to vitality in me. i wanna experience the freedom of not having hit the big four-0 and already got no kids to trouble me. i've heard the crap about independent new-age women who don't need kids and a husband to enjoy life but i think that's bulls***. i love my family and i want my own one. i love kids and i wanna be able to stroll down sunset beaches in the arms of the man i love when i'm streaked with grey hair. hmm. i don't expect people to understand my thinking but that's just me.
another part of me wants very much to travel the world...in a kebaya. yes. i wanna be an SIA girl. i've harboured such a wish ever since i took my first flight with SIA. the stewardesses seemed so elegant, pretty and nice. my dad says it's just being a 'high-class waitress'. i really couldn't be bothered to argue. it's so much more than that. everytime we go to the airport, i'd gawk endlessly at the groups of SIA girls walking by with the luggage and handbag. even till today, everyone's asking me whether i've thought of being an air-stewardess...and i always said "maybe". as much as i want to, it'd depend on circumstances. if like today, i'm attached to a guy i love, i couldn't possibly bear to leave the coutry for days on end ever so frequently. so, it's still a maybe. unless u be an SIA guy with me! haha. dream on lar. things change and we've just gotta be flexible. after i lose my credibilty as an SIA girl when i hit 25, i'd leave and settle down, build my little circle of love.
so you see? it's either one or the other. life's all about choices ain't it? it's about taking risks, calculated or not, and embracing whatever the result may be. but one cannot downplay the influence of fate. if fate so decreeds that i meet the man of my dreams right now, i'll take whatever's given and build my life with this start.
by the way, news flash for today - Bali just got bombed again! geez man. wassup with the world? the muslim extremist have been reported as the culprits of the bombing and i just can't figure out why the hell they've gotta do something like that to the people of their own country and race?
this is in no way a political comment, just some personal feelings...no offence taken alright?
i respect the muslim religion as i respect every religion. we all have a right to our beliefs. but have these extremist ever paused to give a thought to their own people? how they'd suffer when tourism is affected in Bali? come on!
Bali obviously survives on tourism and being the 2nd time it's being bombed, who knows when there'll be a 3rd? a 4th? no-one ever gonna go back there till years on. by then, will the quaint little island with lovely beaches and lovely people still be in survival? it's doubtful.
maybe the sayings are right. the end of the world is nearing. just check out the number of hurricanes and typhoons tearing across all parts of the world recently. the states alone has had to bear the brunt of 2 callous hurricanes - katrina and rita. will my kids or my kid's kids ever get to live a full life? i don't even wanna start thinking about it now...too far off.
one last word for the day. i'm trying to convince myself i'm not a blog-addict. no rozy, i am not. oh and i love you too. you, the other you and all the rest of yous out there. i love all of ya...loads!*p.s. he's back!!! geez. i'm scared. god, please don't let anything go wrong k? i'll be guilty all my life. argh.
'fallen_angel'
2:37 PM
