Sunday, October 16, 2005
sometimes, i really have no clue as to how i'm feeling. i feel sorry for everything...i don't know what i did wrong but i'm still sorry. sigh. i hope this is merely a passing thought. it was never my intention to make anyone uncomfortable or put anyone off. it's just the way i am. i think alot of things i penned down in this blog before were mistakes...i shouldn't have made my feelings so widely known. if only i knew.
i'm feeling this dull ache deep inside my heart and i have no idea what's causing it. sometimes when i hear his voice or see him, i feel the wild beating of my heart...a sure sign of the love i have but sometimes, that hurts cos i have to keep it all under wraps. at other times, it just hurts like crazy. it won't stop and nothing seems to make it better. all along, i always thought that love's about going to the ends of the world for the person you truly truly love. it's not about changing or sacrificing. it's about wanting to give him your all because you want to. seems like after so much that has happened, it's time i woke up from my fairytale. in the real life, it's more about giving him what he needs, what he wants and dealing with your own. today, i don't know what love is anymore...i don't know what to expect and i can only accept whatever cards i'm dealt with. but no matter what, i'll never give up trying to love him the way i can.
i think i know why i love
Nora Roberts' novels so much. She writes of romance that's so full of love, passion and eagerness that sounds perfect to me. Every female character is different - strong, vulnerable, smart, naive, self-content and passionate. At some point in their lives, they'll meet a man who's head over heels in love with them. So much in love that they're willing to trade-in their original no-strings-attached lifestyle just so that they can mould their own future, with each playing the most vital role in the other's story. because of the love he has for her, he wants to savour every bit of her...slowly, lovingly or even savagely. they bask in the warmth of their love constantly, sharing their joy with family and friends, building their own nest with children as evidence of their love. the changes in their lives are welcomed with open arms because they know it's only for the better. we need more of this sorta love in our present society...desperately. i know it's all fiction but i haven't ceased to believe that it doesn't exist in this world.
the perfect match for each one of us is still out there, somewhere. one day, you'll find it. don't try looking to hard cos then u'll miss the best opportunities.
there's so much love in me that's just waiting to be showered upon the person who best deserves it. i might have found him but i can't give him the full shower. short sprinkles now and then is more than enough it seems. i want to drown myself in love, but not my own. i hope i won't cos that's exactly how i'm feeling now.
i promised myself this will be my last and final entry about love and my relationships. from now on, i'm starting a clean slate. with a boring blog. hopefully no-one reads it anymore.
'fallen_angel'
4:06 PM
