Monday, May 15, 2006
alright, this is a warning to whoever's reading this now - what's coming up next will probably be a super emo post so bear with me, or just close this window. one more thing...read all you want, but please try not to ask me whether i'm okay when u see me around alright? i'm trying to go to school normally... help me...it's my last semester...*btw, congrats to all DHL winners this coming saturday. and no, i'm not one of them this time round*
tian, i just wanna let you know i read your recent blog entry.nothing can describe the feelings in me now...for one, it's your longest blog entry ever and for two, it's the only one written with me in mind.okay... i'm kidding about these two =Psighi don't even know what i wanna say now.i'm at a lost for words.i know you still have hopes of us getting back together... honestly, so do i.you always know how much i love you and wanted our relationship to work out...i've just quit my job at raffles hotel today... but still, no-one can even begin to imagine how messed up a life i have.ever since i lost you, my life has turned for the worseremember how i told you i had depression and came out of it before?i hate to admit it but i can see the same signs again...i'm falling into it all over again.i don't even wanna begin to wish to be back by your side... cos i know i shouldn't be dragging you into that dark and scary pit with me.inside me, i wanna ask you of this: "please wait for me to find my way back into the light...please...be there..."but i know i cannot be so selfish...as much as i can never forget our first kiss, our first embrace or even the first time i said 'i love you' outside your house and how you smiled ever so secretively when you heard it, i know i have to relieve you of all that memories.i dont know if i'm doing the right thing of posting this entryi dont know if i'm doing the right thing of talking to you ever so often recently in schoolbut what i know is this:my heart aches when i hear of your new pet and how i can't share your happinessit hurts when so much is going on in your life and i'm not there to share those moments with youit breaks me down when i cry at night, i can't call you to seek comfortit tears me apart when i see you, i know i can't run up to you and put my arms around you like used to all the time.will you ever understand how it feels like to sob uncontrollably every single night? i do...for i sob into the pillowcase you once slept in ever so often...till i tire myself out and fall into restless slumber...the sense of loss is so great... sometimes i get disoriented... your family was wonderful to me and it's weird to think of it that way, but i have emotional atachments there because they're a part of you too. i'm sorry to disappoint your grandma, and i wish i never had to disappoint your family too...i dont know what i'm blabbering about here so...i'm just really sorry.i know u'll come to me and ask me what happened and if i can share these woes with you...but i'm really sorry...despite how much i still love, treasure and care for you up till this very moment,i hope you can understand that i have to be responsible for mistakes i made...i need solve those problems on my own...please don't feel responsible for any of this.throughout our relationship, i have to admit the fact that both of us made our fair share of mistakes. at times i feel like i pampered you too much... i loved you so much i was willing to do anything for you. but at times, i demand more than i know you can offer to me. i realised that i was too selfish... i forgot that you never had a true relationship before...i rushed into things so fast we crashed headlong into our own mistakes. i no longer wanna pinpoint your mistakes... cos they're all blurred in my mind... but i sincerely hope you'll see them and change them for the sake of that next lucky girl.you know what tian?i never thought i was better than you.maybe it is true that i have more experiences than you... but never did i think that i was too good for you.in fact, i felt i was learning something new with you...you said you were trying to be as good as me, that you were trying to prove your worthiness of me.but tian, i love you the way you were even when we were just good friends...i never wanted you to be better in any way...you were good enough for me...true, your lack of experience sometimes frustrated me...but when i look back, i tell myself - "isn't that what i wanted? i wanted to be able to grow with you...to be able to experience the maturing stage with you..."i guess i failed really badly...so see? don't say you've failed...for if you say so, i've failed on an even larger scale.
dont....dont wait for me....i dont know how long i'll be....but i'll be satisfied knowing that you walked away recognising the fact that i still do love you very much...even if you see me with another guy one of this days, dont even start to think that i forgot about you.no way... you are far too special to me...and i know you were suspicious of me while we were still together... please, just trust me this one last time... i never did cheat on you...i always loved you one-heartedly.please... continue striving for your future... strive hard...and you'll one day learn that it's worth it... not for me, but for the lucky girl whom you'll decide to spend the rest of your life with. don't let any single person be the one reason you live for.... if it has to be, let it be yourself...as for your last request that i take good care of myself, i promise you i'll do my best. i've been ill for the past 2 weeks... i'll probably not recover for another one or two weeks but rest assured i will take care. i'm in a really down period right now, so i can't say i'm doing alright. but i will pick myself up... sooner or later...and similarly,for what it's worth,i really love you too.after baring my heart and soul tonight on a public webpage, i'm no longer afraid of criticism. people out there, say what you wanna say and think what you wanna think about me.
for i now know who my true true friends are....the ones who will always protect me from malicious harm...the ones who will never judge me upon the mistakes i made and the ones who are forever willing to stand by me regardless of how messed up i am.
Edna darling, thank you for all your encouragement tonight. i'll bear in mind all that u've said...
Rozy sayang, i've really run out of words to say to you...i'm just sorry i couldnt celebrate your birthday with you nicely...thank you once again for all that you done for me...including the times you scolded me and cried for my mistakes.
'fallen_angel'
10:36 PM
