.love is rocking my world.

I'm just an ordinary girl.
If you don't know me, I'll seem like an ice-queen
If you do know me, I'm nice enough to be a caring friend

For my friends, I treasure every single one of you.
For my family, no love can be greater than mine for each of you.
For the people who don't like me, I hope I get the chance to change your mind one day.
For the one who I love with all my heart, you mean the world to me and I'll never wanna let you go.

. . . . .

Caution:
This blog contains long and wordy entries due to my love for language.
Stay away if you faint at words.
I'm serious!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

is it true?
that infidelity can be inherited,
and will run in the family?
as much as i hate to believe it,
it seems to be true
in the case of mine at least
and it seems to have broken my lovely family apart finally

my maternal grandma has 3 children
aunt, mummy and uncle
aunt and uncle got divorced a few years back with their spouses
aunt is still the responsible mum to my 3 wonderful cousins
and uncle is still the responsible dad to my other 2 young and vulnerable cousins
now, if things don't change,
mummy will be the 3rd and final child in her family to get a divorce
and when that happens,
the family i have always been proud of for sticking together through hard times,
will be shattered into small, unretrievable fragments of fragile yet possibly lethal glass shards.

and all that, thanks to the man who says he is my father
the man who held the heart of my mother since she was 16, till today's 40 years of age
the man who had the undeniable love of my mother despite his downfall and impregnable ego
the man who has given in to temptations again and again
the man who has had the forgiveness for his mistakes again and again
the man who never learnt how to appreciate all that he truly has to treasure
i wonder if, after saying all that, i can still call him a man
a true man stands up to his mistakes and admits them with honesty
a true man never should let the woman who loves him so despair
and that is a man i hate so much right now... only because i love him as much.

just weeks ago, we were planning a 20th wedding anniversary party for them
it would be on the 16th of January 2007
6 months shy of my 20th birthday
it would be a testament to their love and devotion
it would be one of the brightest moment of our family
and i would probably have been the one giving the first speech as their eldest daughter
as the only child they have that was present at the time of their wedding, albeit without much sensory abilities
today, all i know is that mummy said: "Dont bother with the 20th anniversary. there won't be any"

rudely awakened at 9.17 am
chloe and me stared blurry-eyed at the familiar figure standing at our door
and listened with disbelief as she made the announcement with tears in her eyes and voice lodged in her throat
and at that instant, i knew she meant it
19 years of living with her, i know by heart what she always said to me when anyone in the family quarreled or fought - never say anything in pique, knowing that you wont mean it an hour later. words spoken can never be taken back. harsh things said can mean forever despite the circumstances.
and she always practised what she preached
that's how i know that she means business
and having lived with my father for the past 19 years,
i also know full well what had triggered this avalanche
it was clear to me
walking out of my room to see my little brother sobbing on the living room sofa,
it just broke my heart
he said: "mummy say she dont love me anymore. she say she dont want me anymore"
but i knew she was just really really sad and didn't know who to take it out on
my first thought was whether mummy would walk out on us and leave us alone with a father who doesn't know how to be father
my second thought was how much i hate my father for taking things for granted
and then it dawned on me that i knew deep inside that this day would come sooner or later
all along, i knew what was underneath the facade of my father's dedication act
and i realised that as much as i hate for it to happen, it is inevitable

i'm turning 19 tomorrow
and i know full well what it feels like to be so brutally betrayed by the man you love
though it's incomparable, mine and hers, but i can see it from a woman's point of view
after devoting your entire youth and giving up your dreams for him,
the last thing you need is betrayal
it's unforgivable, what he's done
but what's worse is his point-blank refusal despite evidence against him
i felt like screaming at him, telling him that if he still is a man, he should face it like a man
admit his mistakes and plead for forgiveness
denying just made it disgusting and incorrigible

it came so suddenly... just yesterday we were the model of a happy family
eating dinner at beautiful Chijmes
playing games in the car on the ride back
them both taking my baby brother to taekwondo class and we eating macdonalds while watching the World Cup
what a difference a night can make

then i started hating the inventor of the SMS technology
without it, my father could probably have hidden his 'dirty linen' for the rest of his life
and we would still be the happy family we've always been
then i felt stupid
if my father was smart enough to learn how to say NO, where would those SMSes come from?
i grew up finding excuses for my father
just like how my mother constantly found excuses for him
but this time, we all give up
there's just no point is there?

mummy.
my siblings and father would probably hate me for saying this
but you are indeed still young
and as a woman, you do not have to bear with this humiliation
i could say it is but human to err and you should try giving dad another chance
but i know you have already given him umpteen chances
now, it's the last straw and you should spare a thought for yourself
you can still build a life outside of his
we all know that you are more capable of supporting yourself and us than he is of himself
i just hope you can remember that no matter what new life you build,
the 4 of us will be a permanent feature in it
our father made his mistakes, but we should not be punished
most of our growing up lives saw dad as a ghost
fleeting in and out, as and when he wanted
but you were the only constant in our lives
please stay that way...
if anyone should go, it's not you
it's him
because wherever you go, me and my siblings will follow you
it's easier for him to go, than for all of us
and grandma needs us too
she has literally no one else
her son erred
just like her husband did
but she's still our beloved grandma
this morning, your 4 kids sobbed
but the tears shed were for the complete family we had and wanted
i shed those tears for you as a friend and a girl
not just a daughter
because you've been hurt and seeing that, hurts me like crazy too
i will support your every action
and every step you take, i'll be right behind
i'll do everything it takes to support you...
trust me on that

when chloe looked at me with tear-filled eyes and more streaming down her cheeks,
and said she still wants the 20th anniversary party
that she doesnt want to make a choice
and asked: "is there nothing i can do?"
it broke my heart once again
she has never been in a relationship
she probably cannot really understand matter of the heart yet
but all i could say was that this was between the 2 of them
it's a relationship, love and trust problem
we are mere outsiders
though we are important stakeholders in the relationship,
they are the main players
and it's unfair to keep her in her misery for the sake of us
it's just not fair
and saying all that hurt...
it truly did
especially seeing the helpless look in here eyes

even if things changed and they decide to stay in the marriage,
things will never be the same again
it never will be
i just want the best for mother i love so dearly
i want what makes her happy
i want for her what i want for myself... a love that takes us to the end of our lives with lotsa laughter and happiness... a companion who respects and appreciates us...
if only he can be that person...

tomorrow's my birthday
my 19th birthday
12 June
and this must be the 'greatest' birthday gift of all
a punishment maybe?
for being the one who got them married in the first place
for being the one who made them take the first step into this marriage without a happy ending
i dont know
sure seems like it
why else have all my birthdays so far been disastrous?
why else does trouble appear to celebrate my birthday for me year after year?
i blew off the birthday celebration i was supposed to have with Edna today
i'm sorry sweetie
i just dont have the mood to go anywhere now
let alone be reminded of my birthday
in the first place, i never had the thought of celebrating my birthday this year
too many things have happened
how can i possibly enjoy my birthday, knowing that just weeks ago another soul has been denied of having that chance forever?
and now this...
god
i don't know
Sweetie, i'll make it up to you later this week or next week okay?
call me after you get back from camp alrighty?

life still has to move on
at least now my mind has been taken of my own troubles
or has it?

loneliness
is this what it feels like?
i know
there are people around for me
but where's that crucial figure in my life?
the one i know i can depend on and lean on whatever the storm is that's blazing around me
the warm embrace i so crave from whom should be there to kiss away all my pain and hurt
the significant one who will keep me warm no matter what mistake i've made
the one set of shoulders i need to cry on
i dont think i've ever felt so, so alone in my life

conclusion?
i hate birthdays
especially my own.

'fallen_angel'
1:39 PM