Saturday, July 15, 2006
i dunno what i'm doing here blogging
when i can barely see through my overflowing tears at what i'm typing
talking to my dear friends just now was satisfying
and brought back so many memories
so much was put into perspective
and it breaks me to pieces to really recognise all the silliness i've been displaying
i'm beginning to lose all hope in myself and my relationships
although i still believe in true love, i think i'm becoming truly disillusioned about it
not until i meet the one who's right for me, will i learn to give my all again
the risk is too high
the pain is too great
though to him, and the people around him, i will be seen as the one who didnt want and the one who gave up... the one who let him down.
but others cant possibly tell how bad i'm hurting inside...
Gav touched my heart just now, when he said that he worries for me when he sees me down...
i dont want people around me to worry...
but...
i'm really just such an emotional person
never in my life have i been put through a test like this
and i cant say if i really made the right choice.
but it seems to be the best option
everything's gonna be really tough now
there's so much i need to get over...
i've never been afraid of love and relationships before.
never.
not even after all that crapshit i've been through
2 violent boyfriends who beAt the crap outta me when they're unhappy.
a psychotic boyfriend who attempt suicide just because i had to go to school and couldnt accompany him.
then there are the ones who cheat on me, the ones who 'loved' me only for physical satisfaction, etc... some are overlapping each other's traits.
after every failed relationship in the past,
i've always come out stronger than i was before
and i never lost my faith - that there is still true love in this world.
i've always had the confidence in myself in relationships.
but now,
i cannot be so sure of it anymore...
i've never had this weird feeling tugging at my heart before... and instinct tells me that it's fear...
fear of falling in love again...
not just falling in love simply... but really falling so deep that i devote more than i ever have and not knowing how to draw myself up.
i find myself asking the same question over and over again... "will i ever fall in love so hard and fast again in my life?"
and i have no answer to it now...
i used to be able to vehemently say YES!!!
now all i wanna do i learn how to stop crying!
i believe i can fdo it ah
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dreams. do they really come true?i read somewhere that lives, are woven out of dreams.without dreams, life becomes meaningless and pointless to live for.i agree wholeheartedlyi admit that i'm a dreamer... but afterall, i am a girl...and which girl doesnt have a dream somewheredeep inside her heart?i've got losts of themmost might never come true, some might while others might just fade into the background in my life as time goes by.---------------------------------------
had a great great day today
mainly because i had the company of 2 good friends
gav and shawn
ktv was super duper fun
3 persons and we got to sing the songs we like and mike-hog all we want
muahahaha
and dinner was fulfilling too
at redhill
spend 3 hours at the hawker centre
just sat and chitchatted all the way
sigh
really missed those days when we spent so much more time together
missd talking to both of them!
grrrrr
sleepy...
arrividrerci!
'fallen_angel'
1:39 AM