Saturday, September 09, 2006
Just got home from a nice nice dinner at Raffles Hotel's Bar and Billiard Room.
Dinner was fantastic with the company of Jeff and his lovely girlfriend, Joyce.
And of course not forgetting my dear boyfriend.
We spent 3 whole hours on dinner... 7pm all the way to 10pm.
when it got to 9.45, we all got a shock when the waiter came to tell us that they were gonna close the buffet in 10 mins time.
It felt like 8 plus only... amazing.
Time really flies when you're enjoying yourself... really.
Well, all I can say is that I'm really really full right now that I don't think I'll have the stomach for even the best food in the world at this point.
Joyce is a really lovely girl and fun to talk to...
I enjoyed myself....
Thanks dear... for making tonight's dinner possible. I know you worked hard for it... I really appreciate it... I love you...
Oh and i met a long-time-no-see friend of mine...
a friend i knew back in my secondary 2 days...
Luke from ACS(B)...
i can't even remember the last time i met him,
and to my greatest surprise,
he was working at the buffet counter at BBR just now...
my my my...
it was great seeing him...
i'm surprised we recognised each other..
haha...
Being back at Raffles Hotel,
brings back fond memories of the times I worked at Long Bar.
I really really miss working there.
Especially when the F&B Manager of Raffles Hotel, Mr Reto talked to me...
He is a great guy and what really touched me was that he remembers me... a mere part-timer... one of the many hundreds of part-timers that the hotel has.
He even asked me why I stopped working for Long Bar...
and according to him, I will be back there some day - "Once you have the Raffles injection in your blood, you'll never be able to run away."
haha...
that was quoted from him when I talked to him at dinner just now...
as usual, he was doing his rounds of all the F&B outlets in the hotel.
and he also said he will always welcome back good and capable staff... does that mean me? hmmm... haha... *my ego's growing...* =)
anyway...
i really miss the place.
the band, the bar, the colleagues, the friendly guests, the hundreds of cameras I get to handle every day at work, the tips and the feeling of appreciation i get when i work there.
everything.
but the only thing i won't miss would be some of the management there...
they can do better with better management for sure...
meaning the headwaitress, headwaiter, etc.
funny thing is that,
there are so many people asking me to go back to work at Long Bar...
saying they need staff like me desperately...
hmm...
but with internship coming up... unlikely la...
and i know my boyfriend doesn't like that idea...
don't wanna go against his wishes...
Just finished reading another Jodi Picoult novel...
This story is woven around the idea of euthanasia, which if you don't already know, means mercy killing.
The question I have immediately upon closing the book was: "If one day, the man I love so so dearly is inflicted with horrible multiple cancers that are eating away the inside of him bit by bit, and he asks me to kill him and end his pain, would I do it?" Hypothetical, yes.
But if faced with this in reality, would I?
I really don't know.
If he asks me to end his life, I would think he is very selfish. Because he would be leaving me behind alone.
But if I don't agree to it, wouldn't I be the selfish one? To want to keep him by my side even though he is suffering in constant pain? Even though I know he will not enjoy the quality of life he deserves even if he is kept alive by radiation treatments, chemotherapies and what not?
Who should have the right to be selfish?
Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, it will still be a difficult decision.
Will you regret it after?
What will you do after?
Will I ever love someone so much that I will be willing to do anything he asks, even if it means killing him, or myself, or anyone else?
Is it logical to do something like that?Is there really love so great in this world?Personally,I've learnt first-hand how painful a cancer can be to the patients and their loved ones.A very very close aunt of mine passed away 5 years ago, after a long drawn-out 10-year battle with brain cancer. She doted on me like her own daughter because she herself had 4 sons and had always wished for a daughter.She made me her god-daughter and loved me greatly.When she was first diagnosed with a brain tumour,I was only a little girl.All I remember was accompanying her to check-ups after check-ups at Tan Tock Seng hospital.When she had her first surgery,I remember visiting her and thinking how queer she looked without hair, especially since the operation left a scar 20cm long across the top of her head... like a spiked hairband.I remember hating the hospital because TTSH was so dreary with its overhead ceiling fans droning on and on, the cement flooring that made me doubt the quality of local hospitals and stuff like that.I guess, the main reason why I hated the hospital was because everytime I saw my aunt, she was too weak to kiss me on my forehead and tell me how pretty I look, like she always used to do.The first operation was a success. She went into remission for about 3 years.We all thought it was gone for good cos she was back to the cheerful self she was, going around visiting people, buying food for me, shouting at her boys for being a nuisance, etc.Until she started having fainting spells all over again.This time, it was back with a tougher challenge...Another 2 operations and many many months of chemotherapy later, the doctor said she was safe for the time being...but it can come back anytime... and the next time, it will be a real battle to get rid of it.She put on so much weight cos of the medications' side effects, but she was hardly eating anything. She threw up almost every other thing that entered her body. She had permanently lost hair from all parts of her body too...One day, she was visiting us when I saw a thin layer of fine hair on her head. Like a newborn baby's. I was ecstatic. In my naive mind, I thought that the hair loss was cos she was sick and since the hair is growing again, it must mean she's gonna be fine.Sadly,in late 1999,the cancer came back.Fiercer than ever this time.The doctors tried operating, but it was everywhere and there was no way they could remove everything... so chemotherapy was the only way to keep things in control...5 days a week, she went for chemotherapy.7 days a week, she vomited and lied in bed cos she was never able to walk any more than 5 steps before fainting.The weight she put on from the medication before was gone and she started to grow frailer and frailer with each day.Until she could no longer walk.Until she was left with skin and bones.Until she had no more energy to speak to anyone.Until she was in so much pain, that morphine blurred her sense.Until she could no longer recognise me or her 4 sons.Until she faded away so much that she had to be confined to a cot 24 hours a day, fed only water.I can never forget the one day I visited her at home and held her hand.I thought she could no longer recognise me but she held my hand back and a tear slipped from her left eye...Within the next nano-second, the dam burst in me and i couldnt help sobbing.I swore to be strong before i went to see her... I didn't want her young 10-year-old son see me cry... but it was just so much to bear...i remember laying my forehead on the back of her hand, and letting the tears flow for 15 minutes...I had one thought: If this is the pain she has to go through, please just let her go. Let her go when she can still see and hear her sons. Let her go when morphine can still numb her pain. It hurts to let her go... but it hurts even more to see her in constant pain that never seems to fade away.Finally, in the afternoon of 9 January 2001, she left us all.I remember the date so clearly because it's my parent's wedding anniversary.I was on my way home from school, on bus 67.I remember passing through Geyland and Eunos, when my hp rang.My grandma called.Saying that Aunt just died.I first thought she was kidding, until I heard her choked voice over the phone.I hung up and reality set in.I was supposed to call Mum and Dad to tell them.But I was glued to nothing outside the window of the crowded bus.I called Mum, told her and said that I wanna go to her wake that evening.I ended the call even before Mum could say anything.And I started crying on the bus.Not loud sobs... but tears couldn't stop flowing.Luckily I was at the back of the bus.The wake passed in a blur... I remember crying only a little when I saw her hallowed face through the glass window in the casket.It wasn't until the cremation ceremony, that I bawled my eyes out. I called her Mummy, because she was my god-mother. And with my cousins, I couldn't stop crying out for her...I cried myself to sleep that whole week...It hit me the hardest when I saw the casket being sent into burning flames, and my four cousins huddled together crying. they were only 10, 11, 17 and 20. how young...till today, 5 years have passed.And i havent once gathered up enough courage to visit her...I cannot bear the image my memory will dig up.One moment I see her healthy, well and hugging me. The next I see her with no life or soul in her, trying her best to breathe and see who's around her.I cannot bear that...But next monday, I will be going to visit her... 1st time in 5 years.I'll be going with grandma and her eldest son... who is my da-ge that i have constantly been talking about... I hope I won't cry...And I hope what I remember will be her love, her care, her hugs and kisses and her vitality.I still love her as much as I did when I was a little girl.What morbid thought at 2.30am in the morning.
Sorry folks...
I couldn't stop thinking about it and the only way to relieve myself of this mental burden is to write about it.
I wish, with all my might, that everyone i love be safe and healthy for as long as i'm around.it's a selfish way of putting it... but i really don't wanna have to go through that sort of mental torture again...
'fallen_angel'
12:46 AM
