Saturday, November 18, 2006
why must there be so much pain and hatred in this world?
i can see why you are upset.
but i have to say this - you havent been replaced. and you never will be.
i'm lying if i say that i can forget you or replace you.
it's impossible.
so what if i'm dating again?
does that mean i'm in love again or happy?
no.
so not.
i'm just seeking company to absolve my loneliness.
dad's in depression now.
undergoing counselling and on medication.
you know how it feels for me?
you know how horrible it is to hear your dad speak of suicide?
everyday i live on the edge of insanity and fear.
because i dunno when everything in my life will fall apart.
it doesnt help that i'm so so occupied by attachment that i cant even remember the last time i had a proper dinner and conversaton with my family.
no matter what my dad has done in the past, he is still my dad.
i still love him.
i'm so so lost and i dunno what to do.
you remember why you broke up with me?
the root of it is that you felt i dont make enough effort to spend time with you.
now, can you see that it's not just you? my family is suffering too.
and do i have a choice?
no i dont.
if i had one, i'll never neglect my family. and you should know how important my family is to me.
i dont even know if you're reading this, but i still have to say it.
you know why i started dating again?
because i got sick and tired of drowning myself in alcohol night after night after night..
which was what i did the week after we broke up.
it was my only other alternative.
say what you may like.
like you said in your own blog, you wont wish me happiness and you wont give me your blessings. i hope you're happy now that i'm not getting a single ounce of happiness in every single aspect of my life.so what if i'm dating again?
i still cry myself to sleep every other night.
and i only knew about my dad's depression a few days ago.
via email.
because my mum couldnt find a way to speak to me besides my email.
cos she knows i check it for work regularly.
and to think we stay in the same house. in the same small small house.
you have any idea how patheticc that feels?
and i cannot even take a day's break... cos LO warned me that if i take another day of MC, i'll have to re-do my entire SIP. retarded.
so what do i do now?
continue.
and pray hard that god gives me enough time to make it all up to my family when SIP ends.
i'm living on borrowed time now.
and i wish so hard, that i have enough of it.
why isnt anyone there?why doesnt anyone care?why is there no understanding in this world or in my life?what am i to do now???
so much pain, so much hurt, so much anger, so much confusion...
so lost...
'fallen_angel'
9:06 PM